Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that when your dd calls you in tears, you see her?

115 replies

Stanky · 09/03/2016 06:55

My cousin is in her 40s, and has some mild disabilities. She lived with her bf for a few years, but they broke up. She phoned her mother in tears, but didn't get any where with her. So, she phoned my dm, and my dm told her to come and stay with her, until we can help her live independently in sheltered housing.

But, if your dd called you in tears, would you not just go and pick her up? No matter what? Bearing in mind that money is no object, you only live down the road, your house is huge and you don't work or have any commitments?

Her dd is mild mannered, and no problem at all. Perhaps mildly irritating to live with, but it's not her fault. She's her dd. Her dad hasn't invited her to stay with him either, but I don't know his circumstances at all.

I don't understand how people could just not help their own dd. :(

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 09/03/2016 08:19

Let's put it this way.

If your 'thirteen' year old daughter phoned looking for help, would you help her. This woman is 'stuck' at thirteen years old, so I do think her mother and father were being very selfish.
Please tell me that her boyfriend also has SN? [worried]

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 08:21

No, her bf didn't have sn. He treated her very well, but it just didn't work out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 08:22

We are helping her into supported housing.

OP posts:
Maturecheddarcheese · 09/03/2016 08:24

Surely the fact that that the daughter has special needs means she is more vulnerable and it is even more important that she can rely on her parents.

I don't understand how anyone could turn away their own child in these circumstances. Comparing it to something like alcoholism isn't fair.

SnobblyBobbly · 09/03/2016 08:24

Absolutely agree with the majority of posters saying how difficult life is with a child with complex emotional needs.

I have close relatives in a similar situation and it drives the parents to their wits end on a weekly, if not daily basis. It looks like bloody hard work from what I can see, so I can only imagine the true extent of what they go through on a daily basis.

Perhaps you could look at this as your Mum helping your Aunt (her sister?) who perhaps is too worn down by the situation at the moment?

Also, I'm thinking after a couple of weeks of your cousin actually living with your Mum she might realise why it's so difficult for your Aunt to cope.

ohtheholidays · 09/03/2016 08:25

NO YANBU,God that made me want to cry.

We have 5DC and 2 of our DC are disabled our DS14 and DD8 I'd never turn my back on any of my DC let alone my DC who are disabled.

We still have to use a baby monitor at night for our DD,she can still sleep like a newborn and she still has to wear pull ups.We pretty much already know that she won't be able to live on her own she's likely to always be with us and were fine with that,we Love her.

And we don't have alot of money or a big home and I'm seriously ill and disabled as well now.

Not all parents do step up sadly OP.When any of my nephews or nieces were going through anything bad it was me that stepped up they're Auntie not they're parents who were all at least 10-15 years older than me,it's always been that way and it still is today even though they're parents don't have any children still living at home where as all 5 of our DC are still living with us and none of they're parents are ill or disabled like me.

Your Mum sounds like a lovely person and it's really nice that your cousin has an Auntie and Cousin that are looking out for her. Smile

Katenka · 09/03/2016 08:27

Comparing it to something like alcoholism isn't fair.

I didn't compare it to alcoholism. In fact I said, it was different situation.

I compared it to the fact that sometimes continually saving someone isn't always the best way.

Unless you have had a life time of it, you can't judge. You have no idea what's going on behind their closed doors or the reasons they haven't saved her this time

MrsJayy · 09/03/2016 08:31

Has your mum spoken to your Aunt to get her side it does seem that the cousin has been abandoned but maybe there is other stuff going on or been said

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 08:32

ohtheholidays, that was a lovely post. My ds has sn too, and is much younger in his development than his true age. I can appreciate that it is really tough, and everybody deserves time to themselves and a break. But I can never see myself taking a permanent break like my aunt has.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 09/03/2016 08:32

Quite frankly I am staggered at how unfeeling some of the posters are on here. My DD is emotionally fragile and has been seen by CAMHS for depression and social anxiety. There is no way on earth that I would turn my back on her if she needed me.

This time last year she was hardly eating and self harming. I don't want her to go back to that dark place again.

Some of you are a hard hearted lot.

firesidechat · 09/03/2016 08:33

I wish that she would walk a mile in her own.

Are you saying that your cousin has mobility issues?

Very sad if so, but as you well know I wasn't referring to your cousin and walking in someone's shoes has nothing to do with an ability to walk.

firesidechat · 09/03/2016 08:35

I'm not hard hearted, but the op has given us next to no information to base an opinion on. The most any of us can really say is "it depends". The op's aunt may be right or may be a cold hearted bitch. Who knows.

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 08:38

No, I didn't mean that. I meant that I wished that my aunt would walk a mile in her own shoes, as in stepping up to help the people in her life who need her, instead of pretending that everything is fabulous, and her dc's problems don't exist. :(

OP posts:
Katenka · 09/03/2016 08:39

But I can never see myself taking a permanent break like my aunt has.

This is just it. I am not saying your aunt is right. But you don't know. You don't know she has taken a permanent break.

Until you speak to her, judging her is BU.

It may read that some of us are unfeeling. However, it's that's me of us know that until you are in a certain position you can never say what you would definitely do.

zzzzz · 09/03/2016 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJayy · 09/03/2016 08:44

Saying what I did id take mine home if they phoned me intears

maydancer · 09/03/2016 08:46

Perhaps taking her I'm screws her chances of getting sheltered housing?

maydancer · 09/03/2016 08:49

I think you and your mother are being naive.at the very least your m should have phoned her parents to find out what was going on

Maturecheddarcheese · 09/03/2016 08:52

Katenka - that doesn't make sense either. You're saying that not continually saving someone isn't always the best. But this woman has SN not something she can get over or change.

She won't suddenly get a grip by being homeless for a while. There are so many people with mental and physical health problems on our streets, I fail to see the reasoning behind this at all. Again, it is a totally unfair comparison.

Katenka · 09/03/2016 08:56

You're saying that not continually saving someone isn't always the best. But this woman has SN not something she can get over or change.

I didn't say she could.

Lots of people don't agree with walking away from an alcoholic. There was a thread here about just that about a week ago.

The point is that until you have been there, in their exact position, You can't judge. Especially when you are not in possession of the full story or facts.

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 08:57

She's getting sheltered housing. She just needed somewhere to stay in the mean time, so she phoned her mum. She wasn't interested.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 08:59

People outside the family, wouldn't know that my aunt had any children.

OP posts:
Maturecheddarcheese · 09/03/2016 09:00

OP thank goodness your DM was willing to step up where her own parents have failed her. I hope sheltered housing works out for your cousin.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 09/03/2016 09:04

Sometimes you get to a place where you just have nothing left to give. Let's not forget that in real terms this is a 40 year old so her mother has been there for 40 years so chances are she is not so young herself and possibly not in the best of health. It could be that the mother is a cold hard bitch but it could just as easily be that the mother knows that it won't help the daughter really for example in my area if you had somewhere to go like the mothers house then you could forget getting sheltered housing as you would be classed as not in need.

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 09:05

Thanks maturecheddarcheese. She can't wait to get her own place. :)

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread