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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that when your dd calls you in tears, you see her?

115 replies

Stanky · 09/03/2016 06:55

My cousin is in her 40s, and has some mild disabilities. She lived with her bf for a few years, but they broke up. She phoned her mother in tears, but didn't get any where with her. So, she phoned my dm, and my dm told her to come and stay with her, until we can help her live independently in sheltered housing.

But, if your dd called you in tears, would you not just go and pick her up? No matter what? Bearing in mind that money is no object, you only live down the road, your house is huge and you don't work or have any commitments?

Her dd is mild mannered, and no problem at all. Perhaps mildly irritating to live with, but it's not her fault. She's her dd. Her dad hasn't invited her to stay with him either, but I don't know his circumstances at all.

I don't understand how people could just not help their own dd. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 09:11

I wish that her mother had been there for her for 40 years. Then I could understand. But I don't understand not being there for your dd when she needs you, and pretending everything's fabulous in life, and getting very angry if anyone dares suggest that everything's not perfect, and things have gone badly wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 09:11

I don't even understand what my aunt is angry about.

OP posts:
BombadierFritz · 09/03/2016 09:12

Its good that there is sheltered housing available. Here too you wouldnt qualify if a relative took you in.
I dont know, she could be hard hearted or it might be a strategy. Until you talk to the mum you wont know.

Katenka · 09/03/2016 09:27

So it's not this incident.

You are angry at your aunt for the whole way she has raised her dd?

That I can understand, if she hasn't done much in the last 40 years.

But that's not what you put in your op.

Your aunt may be shit. Has she ever sought any help for herself, regarding her daughters condition? Is she burying her head in the sand and pretending it's not real?

I am not making excuses for her, but has she struggled to deal with the diagnosis.

Also can I ask why you aren't mad at her boyfriend for putting her out? If he was a kind boyfriend why would he do that. Why couldn't she stay until she went into sheltered housing?

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 09:37

I'm not angry at my aunt, I just find her unbelievable and I genuinely don't understand how any parent could do that.

I'm not mad at her bf because it didn't work out, and she is difficult to live with if you don't understand her. My dm is extremely patient with her. She's not awful or anything, but just has funny little habits and repeats little jokes. It can get very grating if you don't have the understanding and patience. But I would have thought that we all have more understanding for our own disabled family members than any body else. She's happier in her own space, where she can shut the door and be herself. She just needed a little support.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 09/03/2016 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Headofthehive55 · 09/03/2016 09:40

I'm possibly much harder on my DD with sn than the rest of my family. However I want to make her as independent as I can. One day we will not be there so I've made as little allowances for her as possible. It's tough love I suppose! It has paid off, she is a lot more independent than we thought she'd be.

Katenka · 09/03/2016 09:41

But if you are upset/annoyed at your aunt for not putting her up, how can you say it's ok for her boyfriend to put her out?

She may be difficult to live with. But surely he holds some responsibility for making sure she had somewhere to go to?

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 09:44

She can and has lived as independently as is safe to do so, in sheltered housing. She is really very independent, but one day she needed help. Her relationship broke down, and she had no where to go. I'm not even disabled, but I know that if I phoned my mum in those circumstances, she'd come and pick me up and help me back on my feet. I will always do the same for my dc.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 09/03/2016 09:46

Absolutely zzz my DD wouldn't eat, so much so she was often taken into hospital. The amount of people who lectured me on this beaker would be good and if only you'd give her to me I would get her eating...in some ways closer family members were hoodwinked most by her.

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 09:46

When you break up with a partner, would you want to carry on living with them even though you'd split up? He tried his best, but he couldn't cope. He's not her parent.

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zzzzz · 09/03/2016 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Headofthehive55 · 09/03/2016 09:49

Perhaps it's to do with sheltered housing. If they took her back in its unlikely that she would get access to sheltered housing. As a mum, it's possibly the right thing long term. She can perhaps legitimately say she is not back at home.

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 09:53

Her exbf is there for her more than her dm. Even now. They have remained friends, and still meet up regularly. The relationship just didn't work out, and he couldn't live with her. I understand him, but I don't understand her parents.

OP posts:
Katenka · 09/03/2016 10:00

When you break up with a partner, would you want to carry on living with them even though you'd split up? He tried his best, but he couldn't cope. He's not her parent.

no I wouldn't but sometimes you have to. Situations mean that couples who have split have to live with each other.

He isn't her parent, but he took some responsibility for herwhen he moved in with her, surely? Then just washed his hands and left her with nowhere to go.

You Aunt doesn't sound like she has helped her much, I suspect her anger comes from her dds diagnosis (many parents struggle with this).

But the boyfriend who put her out before she had sheltered housing set up is as much to blame and I can't quite work out why you feel this way about your aunt but not him.

zzzzz · 09/03/2016 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 10:12

Katenka, you are right, and may be it was a shitty thing for him to do. But I think that couples split up all the time, and just can't get on when living together. So maybe the person who doesn't own the flat, calls on their family for support until they get back on their feet. It's going to have been at least 5 months from when they split by the time she moves into her sheltered housing. That's a long time to live with your exbf, and I don't think that she would have felt comfortable with that. I see this as the sort of normal thing that happens all the time. But I don't see her parent's attitude as normal. I would have thought that when she called her mum, that she would have given her some emotional and practical support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 10:14

But it was his flat zzzzz. Would you move out of your own flat so that your ex could carry on living there? She had no money. He thought that her parents would come and pick her up. They didn't.

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 09/03/2016 10:14

YANBU. Your poor cousin.

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 10:16

Also, would you want your dd to carry on living with her ex bf, even though she'd phoned you in tears?

OP posts:
zzzzz · 09/03/2016 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katenka · 09/03/2016 10:20

I am not saying he is entirely to blame.

But you are putting the blame firmly and only on your aunts shoulders. I don't get why. It sounds like it was all badly handled.

If she decided she didn't want to live there, then she wasn't out in the street.

He moved in with her knowing her diagnosis. He took some responsibility for her well being too. If they split he had some responsibility for her then too.

Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 10:22

I see that it's shitty behaviour, but I can understand shitty behaviour from an ex bf, but I can't understand shitty behaviour from parents. I genuinely don't know what would have happened if she didn't phone my dm. Maybe he would have let her stay. He'd been homeless himself, so I doubt that he would have chucked her out on the streets.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stanky · 09/03/2016 10:23

I blame her, because her dd called her for help, and she didn't respond. I can't understand that.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 09/03/2016 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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