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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know people are sick of this already, but am I?

112 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 06/03/2016 11:03

It's Mother's Day. Obviously, there are probably a ton of threads already like this, and I'm really not a grabby person (honest!) so never thought I'd start one, but..

We don't 'do' Valentine's Day. We don't buy each other Christmas presents, just get stuff for others and for the kids. We don't 'do' our wedding anniversary. We don't buy each other Easter eggs... We didn't even give each other birthday presents last year. This is all suggested by him. And I'm bothered a bit because it's nice to celebrate things, but on all those occasions I agreed because it's not worth an argument and while it 'bothers' me... I'm not upset about it.

But right now, all I am is a mother. I feel like it's all I do. I'm not working, my youngest DD is so challenging and day in day out is battles with her, toddler group and two school runs.

He didn't suggest lunch or anything so I arranged lunch with both of our mothers.

This morning I woke up (DD was in my bed so very early!)... And made an effort to stay there for a bit in case of breakfast / a card / something coming my way!

But nothing.

So I went downstairs and the living room is a huge mess from last night when we had people over. I went to bed before him because I was knackered, and if it was me, I would've made the effort to tidy up or at least take glasses and stuff to the kitchen.

So I've tidied everything, older DD has given me a card she made at school, and that's lovely. But I'm a bit annoyed if I'm honest.

We have a cinematic light box thing on the side in our house, and yesterday was the dogs birthday and we wrote happy birthday in it for him.. (That makes me sound a bit weird but my DD loves it).. And my oldest DD said 'tomorrow we can have I love you mummy!' and I said that was sweet. So that was a gift wrapped idea for him but he didn't even do that... And that's free!!!

I'm being unreasonable, I know. I just wanted Some kind of acknowledgment. Sorry, I just needed to vent. I'm pissed off, there, I said it Wink

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/03/2016 14:04

Wheredid - yes, my DH didn't bother with his mum for either MD or her birthday, and not much for CHristmas either, until I came along.
She might not have been able to fight against it - her own DH didn't even get her an engagement ring, he got her 10% deposit on an overlocking sewing machine instead, ffs, and never got her presents or taught the boys to do so either - but I wasn't putting up with it. So I made sure he got her stuff for her birthday/Christmas/MD, to set the seeds and make sure I got stuff too.

She's never complained about getting presents, I'm fairly sure she's rather happy it finally happened after many years of getting SFA!
BUT she also should have put the whole situation to rights instead of going "oh well, that's just their way, I won't fight it" - it's not just their way, they're just idle selfish fuckers who CBA to think about it.

MistressDeeCee · 06/03/2016 14:12

So I went downstairs and the living room is a huge mess from last night

^ its this, that is the main problem

Mr Lazy is taking you for granted. Fancy looking at mess then just going to bed, leaving it all for you to do. As the the rest - he's a tightwad. & no celebrations = he doesn't have to bother himself

Your DD got you a card - thats fine, you're her mother not your DH's. Couldn't she have done the "I love you mum" lights thing, and helped with the tidying up alongside (not instead of!) your DH? Or is she not old enough to at least do a little bit?

I hope there's something you can do to make your day nice - have a chat with mates, glass of wine, at least something. Perhaps its not much, but still. You've got other things to sort out down the line, its not on for you to be taken for granted. Put your foot down

LatinForTelly · 06/03/2016 14:15

You are not being at all unreasonable. He is being a misery. At some point, you will both have to discuss this.

I can see it's not about presents. It's about feeling appreciated. That doesn't have to cost anything other than a bit of time and effort. Flowers and Cake for you, OP. And I hope you get something sorted for lunch.

stayathomegardener · 06/03/2016 14:17

Change the light box to "It's the thought that counts"
If the children question it say Mumsnet made you.
Your DH take on it would be interesting.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 06/03/2016 14:52

You say he's hard working, a good husband and allows you the luxury of not working and that's surely worth more than a bunch of flowers

You're missing the point autumn. I assume this is because you can never pass up an opportunity to be disdainful of SAHMs. Even on Mothers Day you must put the boot in.

herecomesthsun · 06/03/2016 14:54

Honestly, I sort of get myself stuff I fancy, I got myself a "free" Mother's day gift from Marks and Spencers (with a couple of other purchases), got in blueberry pancakes (cue DH made breakfast), we went to church and I got flowers, DC also made paper presents (a paper diamond anyone) then we went for a (cheapish) brunch prompted by me.

I read the Sunday paper magazines in the bath this afternoon, and relished the freebie M & S bath essence and the freebie M & S face mask.
planning from me.
I am fine with it all, just how I want it, with a bit of prompting and planning from me

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/03/2016 14:56

Autumn did she want a bunch of flowers? Nope her child wanted help to write something on a light board.

He didn't bother helping her

Fuzz01 · 06/03/2016 16:16

You have an older DD she could of made you breakfast or tidied up. I don't know what you expect. My DH had some terrible news last night, i got up sorted the kids out,made a cuppa and bacon sandwich each. I didn't make an issue over the fact it was MD. I recieved a lovely card some lindt chocolates.

SeaCabbage · 06/03/2016 17:04

Your dh sounds horrible. But if you have agreed to not celebrate any of these kinds of things, even birthdays, then he's not going to do anything for MD is he?

Why don't you have a chat about what YOU would like to do from now on. Also, the usual question: is there anything nice about your husband?

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 06/03/2016 19:38

My older DD has just turned 5, but she's a young 5.. She couldn't have done the lighbox or made breakfast. She's amazing and thoughtful and woke up so excited that it's Mother's Day.... It's not her fault.

OP posts:
dulcefarniente · 06/03/2016 20:06

Fuzz but the OPs dh hadn't had bad news or anything to distract him from doing something. You got a card and chocolates despite your situation, the OP got diddly squat. All it would have taken to make the OPs day would have been five/ten minutes tidying and a few minutes helping dd put a message on a lightbox. No money or shopping required. Is that really expecting too much?

Eachpeachpearplum1985 · 06/03/2016 20:40

Yanbu. I am in the same boat today and feeling rather sorry for myself! It's not about a gift just a bit of appreciation for your hard work! I even specifically told my dh I was looking forward to breakfast in bed! Pah! He got a card and breakfast in bed for father's day by the way. Having to tell your partner you want to be appreciated feels a bit pointless and shit. Hopefully he'll pull his socks up next year OP Flowers

FlowersAndShit · 06/03/2016 20:56

Fucking hell why are men so thoughtless and shit? Do they just not care? How can someone be so thoughtless towards someone they claim to love? This is why I hate men.

Longsuffering24 · 07/03/2016 08:26

I completely sympathise with you OP. We don't celebrate anything either. I understand why it gets like that, seems a bit pointless when you have to buy it yourself out of the same money pot. DP always buys what ever he wants anyway. But despite that I still feel a bit miffed when I get nothing. I've spent the last 3 days and nights with a sick toddler and I didn't even get a 'happy mothers day' from DP let alone flowers etc. It would be nice to feel appreciated. I think it would be nice if the men folk did something on mothers day when the children are too young. I know some do because Facebook is plastered in the pictures of mothers day gifts etc which clearly the 2yr old didn't do themselves!

Iadmit · 07/03/2016 08:50

I sympathise OP my MD was a washout too. Tbf it was DS's birthday but a card would have been nice! Added to that, OH was hungover and argumentative and 'tired' diddums and when I said I would have like some acknowledgment for MD he said 'lets cancel your birthday ds as the world clearly revolves around your mother!'. He got both barrells once ds was in bed, prick [mad]

HumphreyCobblers · 07/03/2016 09:10

"You have an older DD she could of made you breakfast or tidied up. I don't know what you expect. My DH had some terrible news last night, i got up sorted the kids out,made a cuppa and bacon sandwich each. I didn't make an issue over the fact it was MD. I recieved a lovely card some lindt chocolates."

It never ceases to amaze me that on threads like this, where the OP states that NOTHING happened for Mother's Day, people always come on to say they are unreasonable and by the way, I got presents/a card and I am not moaning. I think if the OP had got chocolates and a card she would have felt appreciated too and wouldn't be complaining.

Psycobabble · 07/03/2016 10:06

Yanbu

Even my ex makes sure dc has a card and little gift to give me every year since we split and I do same for him on fathers day . To young to do it themselfs so why wouldn't the father help I don't understand the "your not his mum " argument either

And dp ( not dc dad) made a lovely breakfast in bed ad roast dinner for lunch for us with a little help from dc

Couldn't ask for more so if my ex who has no romantic feelings for my what so ever and my dp who could quite easily just let the whole card n gift sorted by dcs dad be enough for Mother's Day , can go to that effort then surely dh could have tidied up and done the light box message for you!

I suppose if he isn't bothered by that sort of stuff then it's easy to forget you are bothered . Tell him.

I couldn't imagine not doing gifts for birthday Christmas etc with dp. Your deffo deffo not b u . But you need to tell him that actually you do want to start celebrating stuff more and actually just generally feel a bit more appreciated !!

Meeep · 07/03/2016 10:22

Talk to him OP, it does sound miserable this way (his no presents no nothing way) and he's been very thoughtless to not even bother changing the light box.

(Also - some people replying are such wankers. Ignore them. It shouldn't be a five year old's total responsibility when there's an adult in the house to help her.)

Worcswoman · 07/03/2016 10:36

If you refuse to communicate your relationship is not good. If you fear losing it and emotions taking over then you could write a letter. This way you can consider your words carefully and they are not lost in the air but remain in front of him on the page. You don't even have to be there when he reads them, you could take the children out somewhere. But it is important to tell your DH how hurt you are and that he could have joined in with the rest of the country in showing you, or at the very least helping your dc show you that your efforts at being a mother are appreciated. That you as a mother are appreciated. That your sacrifices are appreciated just as you show him that he is appreciated in all the little thoughtful ways that you do. That being 'mother' means something to your dc and he could help them show it, even if it's just changing the light box. They wanted to. To fail to do so makes you feel........ what?
Tell him.

Deejoda · 07/03/2016 10:41

So sad! You should definitely tell him how you feel. Being a full-time mum is hard work and you get one day to be made a fuss over. He should make more of an effort and show you in a way you appreciate that he knows your job is just as important as his. No excuses here! YANBU!!! Do you think this is an overall reflection of the relationship and maybe some joy needs to be re-injected?

HPsauciness · 07/03/2016 10:46

OP, this would annoy me too, but one thing that might help is to read about Love Languages- it's about how people express love. Some people do lots of little things for their partner (doing things) and some people are more about buying things and expressing through gifts (other ones include being verbal 'I love you' all the time). Everyone is different in how they give love and how they receive it. Your husband isn't big on gifts or expression- so this is his default (he sounds great in other ways). My husband is great at gifts, and helps the children buy stuff for me, but not so hot on the everyday mundane helping out in life.

It doesn't mean he can't change, but you'd have to be much more direct about it- by telling him, it may not matter to you we don't do a lot on birthdays/Mothers Day but it does to me. I'd like to go out/have lunch/have a family day/you to pick something with the kids. That would make me feel special. If you don't spell it out, he will never know, and you will carry on feeling vaguely pissed off.

www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages

feellikeanalien · 07/03/2016 10:50

I got toast and coffee in bed but only because my 8 year old told her dad in no uncertain terms that it was MD and he had to do it.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 07/03/2016 10:53

Sounds like he's made the decision not to celebrate for you, and that's the thing that's difficult.

You do realise you don't need to do anything special for Father's Day now? Help your LO's make things or do a card if they want but that's it.

Bitchrestingface · 07/03/2016 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Astrophe · 07/03/2016 11:12

Yanbu, but you'll need to address it with DH, he won't realise why your upset on his own.

My DH doesn't celebrate these events in his family of origin, and he's not naturally thoughtful about gifts, remembering birthdays etc, but he has learned over the years that they are important to me, so he does them. He never has any idea what to buy, so we have a system where if I ever see some little thing I like (pretty earrings, a book etc) I'll text him a photo of it. He just keeps all the photos and so always has a collection of ideas, most of which I won't get, and those I do, I've forgotton about it by the time I receive it. My point is, you can come up with systems that fit both your personalities and preferences.