I know people are sick of this already, but am I?

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

It's Mother's Day. Obviously, there are probably a ton of threads already like this, and I'm really not a grabby person (honest!) so never thought I'd start one, but..

We don't 'do' Valentine's Day. We don't buy each other Christmas presents, just get stuff for others and for the kids. We don't 'do' our wedding anniversary. We don't buy each other Easter eggs... We didn't even give each other birthday presents last year. This is all suggested by him. And I'm bothered a bit because it's nice to celebrate things, but on all those occasions I agreed because it's not worth an argument and while it 'bothers' me... I'm not upset about it.

But right now, all I am is a mother. I feel like it's all I do. I'm not working, my youngest DD is so challenging and day in day out is battles with her, toddler group and two school runs.

He didn't suggest lunch or anything so I arranged lunch with both of our mothers.

This morning I woke up (DD was in my bed so very early!)... And made an effort to stay there for a bit in case of breakfast / a card / something coming my way!

But nothing.

So I went downstairs and the living room is a huge mess from last night when we had people over. I went to bed before him because I was knackered, and if it was me, I would've made the effort to tidy up or at least take glasses and stuff to the kitchen.

So I've tidied everything, older DD has given me a card she made at school, and that's lovely. But I'm a bit annoyed if I'm honest.

We have a cinematic light box thing on the side in our house, and yesterday was the dogs birthday and we wrote happy birthday in it for him.. (That makes me sound a bit weird but my DD loves it).. And my oldest DD said 'tomorrow we can have I love you mummy!' and I said that was sweet. So that was a gift wrapped idea for him but he didn't even do that... And that's free!!!

I'm being unreasonable, I know. I just wanted Some kind of acknowledgment. Sorry, I just needed to vent. I'm pissed off, there, I said it

Not on the high street... My kids love it. We write something different on it every day. (Except today obviously!!)

Is like to say I bought it to help her with her spelling but actually, I just thought it would be cool to write things like 'Drink More Wine' on when people come to dinner

Hmm I think the problem here is that you've agreed to not celebrating anything at all. What a miserable existence.

You need to tell him that actually Christmas, birthdays and Mother's Day do matter to you.

I don't think it's about money, we're far from rich but we do okay and aren't struggling. (Even with my frivolous lighbox purchase)

Honestly, I think it's because he's thoughtless. He's a brilliant dad, a very hard worker, I love him etc. But he's not thoughtful. About anything. That's pretty depressing isn't it!

I am definitely getting one of them! Think I will get it for my partners birthday and put a birthday message on it for him! Thanks.

YANBU OP. It isn't about spending lavish amounts of money but it's nice to be acknowledged. We don't bother with Valentines Day much but Mothers Day is a bit different, I think.

I don't buy into this whole "you're not his mother" shtick either. Small dcs can't do much without a bit of adult facilitation.

Love love love your light box though! Where can I get one?!

YANBU.

Yes Mother's Day is for the children and you're not DHs mother BLAH BLAH BLAH but as a parent you help your children do a lot of things. Wipe their arse, get their meals and HELP THEM do something for Mother's Day.

It's just nice to feel appreciated. I think you should talk to him tho. If he was a decent mind reading chap you wouldn't be in this position but he isn't. So assume he needs it spelt out.

Is he normally expressive and thoughtful, showering you in perfect gifts every birthday and Christmas? or is he pretty much like this all the time?

I've read a few threads like this now and they all seem to reverb with the same sort of underlying issue.

Everyone's DH / OH is an unthoughtful git and they expected more of them, when their expectation wasn't met they're deflated and upset.

To me that's a bigger issue than not getting a £1 card from Tescos.

That's harsh. Your shared DD actually asked him to do something for her (I'm assuming she can't do it without help) and he didn't bother.

That's unkind.

She can't do it without help. And actually the letters for the box are in a high cupboard anyway.

He isn't a bad person, he just doesn't think this stuff isn't important... Because it's not important to him. And that's that really.

(And to the person getting a light box, you should go on Amazon and order an extra letter pack, they're great!)

He does sound s misery!!
We don't celebrate most things & it makes me sad, however I got a card from the dc this morning, little bunch of flowers & a share size galaxy. I was over the moon because although he's a misery he actually acknowledged that it was important to me (not getting "stuff" but a bit of recognition) and ds was so excited to give them to me. Baby was excited to rip the envelope

I'd tell him that you feel hurt. I'd also say you want at least a card for occasions. He could help your dd make one. for you.
Happy Morher's Day

Ps give him a kick up the backside about tidying up. I'd have the rage at that being left any time not just md. you're a sahm & his partner, not his maid ffs. Why do people think they don't have to lift a finger if the other is sah I'm on mat leave & it's bloody harder than being at the office

A card from school made by your children should be enough along with spending the day with them.

You say he's hard working, a good husband and allows you the luxury of not working and that's surely worth more than a bunch of flowers.

If gifts mean that much to you, then maybe you need to work out why.

But why is it always his way? It doesn't have to be. Tell him presents are important to you and that some thought would make you feel loved.

Happy Mother's Day

must proof read but not correcting my other mistakes

What a miserable existence. I could understand if you were much older and didn't want more stuff but really at your stage in life? Is he very anti-commercialism or just not bothered? Does he ever show any appreciation or thoughtfulness or is life just endlessly routine? I would find it soul destroying to not even have a token gesture occasionally.

It's not about presents... It's about some kind of gesture. Doing the lighbox thing / tidying up as it was Mother's Day the next day / making breakfast or even a cup of tea!

It's not about presents.

And 'the luxury' of staying at home isn't as it sounds. I've tried my daughter in three nurseries so I can work, but they eventually tell me they can't have her back because she's too disruptive. I even had to defer my university place.. It wasn't my choice to be a full time mother and be so dependant on him.

Your Dh sounds thoughtless and a bit selfish. Yes he works full time, but caring for two young children and all that entails is a full time job.

I'd go with HELLO? IT'S MOTHERS DAY on light box.

Enjoy your lunch with your family anyway.

I don't think YABU. Presents don't have to cost a lot of. Money just to be thoughtful.
My best present last Christmas was a pen with a photo of my favourite actor from my dh cost around £5 I bloody love it. I bought him a back scratcher cost a couple of quid on a well known auction website not sure if I'm allowed to say the name on here changing the light box would be thoughtful rather than expensive not going that hurts doesn't it?

It's not worth the argument?

How do people end up in relationships like this?

Don't you know that if your trying to express an opinion ends in an argument, that indicates that this is a very bad relationship OP?

Seriously, that's just not normal.

I'd go with "Happy Independence Day, Ghana" as more PA

YANBU, OP. I'm a MD sceptic but, as you say, it's not the gift, it's the lack of kindness.

I don't think YABU.

It's all very well to say it's for the children to sort something out for their mum but surely they need guidance and help from the other parent. It's not even guaranteed that children will make something at nursery or school. I do think it's important that children are encouraged to think of what their parent might like for Christmas, Mother's day etc - then as they get older the parent gradually hands over full responsibility for it when they're old enough to spend their own money, get themselves to the shops or make their own craft or whatever.

We decided not to do Christmas one year and a friend asked what I'd received. She was shocked and asked if we were talking, we were and it was fine but it made me realise we should be making an effort with these things even if it's a card and small token gift to show you've actually thought about the other person. We've reset the ground rules so the expectation is very clear. DH doesn't care about Fathers' Day but he will have it marked in a small way so we don't lose momentum. We don't do anything special most of the time but to ignore it would be a slippery slope for us.

Just be really clear about what you expect and don't let him forget it, hints won't do you have to be direct and even march him out of the house to the shop if needs be. And yes you aren't his mother but it's a day to show appreciation just like it will be for him on fathers' day. It becomes a much bigger deal when ignored than when he bothers to spend £5 on flowers/chocolates and a card, especially if they make the card together.

Also agree it's not about gifts, it doesn't have to be anything bought, just the thought that goes into it and taking the time to really think about the recipient and what makes them happy

My DH is also just not bothered but sometimes we do something for someone because it's important to them. Just tell him straight, there is no argument but this is something you need to make your relationship a little better. But he's not a mind reader either so you do have to spell it out. Tell him to take you out for a cup of tea and treat you to something small.

Op mine was like this for the past 3 years. never planned anything and im just like you a sahm so it kinds of hurts more when i see it as my only job at the moment, I would get upset we would argue, he would say I'd said I didn't want anything, blah blah blah... my mum would ask me what id got each year and would then go and buy me a bunch of flowers when I said not much.

Then this past week he suddenly asked me where and when i wanted to go for a meal on Mother's day - I hate going today and it's always packed and over priced, so we went out last night. then today I've woken up to a bunch of flowers delivered too, he's not working either at the moment so Im not sure why it had all happened until I got it out of him that my mum had rung him through the week explaining that although they may not have done md with his mum, I was used to it with her and she expected him to make much more of an effort than he previously had done. (they do have the kind of relationship where they can talk like this though, i appreciate not all do).

But just because someone else has made him realise his families way isn't the only way to do it hes suddenly clicked. You dont have to go as far as that but maybe next time your mum pops round get her to ask in front of him what did you get for Mothers day, something lovely I expect then you can say well err not exactly in front of him, with my dp I could tell him till i was blue i the face but he sees me as moaning, its when someone else steps in he suddenly realises, yeah they're right!.

And going of topic THE LIGHT BOXES ARE IN THE RANGE FOR £15.... Dont buy the £60 ones out there.

Yanbu