I know people are sick of this already, but am I?

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

It's Mother's Day. Obviously, there are probably a ton of threads already like this, and I'm really not a grabby person (honest!) so never thought I'd start one, but..

We don't 'do' Valentine's Day. We don't buy each other Christmas presents, just get stuff for others and for the kids. We don't 'do' our wedding anniversary. We don't buy each other Easter eggs... We didn't even give each other birthday presents last year. This is all suggested by him. And I'm bothered a bit because it's nice to celebrate things, but on all those occasions I agreed because it's not worth an argument and while it 'bothers' me... I'm not upset about it.

But right now, all I am is a mother. I feel like it's all I do. I'm not working, my youngest DD is so challenging and day in day out is battles with her, toddler group and two school runs.

He didn't suggest lunch or anything so I arranged lunch with both of our mothers.

This morning I woke up (DD was in my bed so very early!)... And made an effort to stay there for a bit in case of breakfast / a card / something coming my way!

But nothing.

So I went downstairs and the living room is a huge mess from last night when we had people over. I went to bed before him because I was knackered, and if it was me, I would've made the effort to tidy up or at least take glasses and stuff to the kitchen.

So I've tidied everything, older DD has given me a card she made at school, and that's lovely. But I'm a bit annoyed if I'm honest.

We have a cinematic light box thing on the side in our house, and yesterday was the dogs birthday and we wrote happy birthday in it for him.. (That makes me sound a bit weird but my DD loves it).. And my oldest DD said 'tomorrow we can have I love you mummy!' and I said that was sweet. So that was a gift wrapped idea for him but he didn't even do that... And that's free!!!

I'm being unreasonable, I know. I just wanted Some kind of acknowledgment. Sorry, I just needed to vent. I'm pissed off, there, I said it

It's not about the presents its about the thought. Sorry but it sounds pretty joyless to not celebrate birthdays and Christmas's etc with each other. It can't always be about the kids. Personally I could drop Valentines and my anniversary but generally these events are the good bits in between the slog surely? Not meaning to sound obnoxious but we have a rule that we don't work on birthdays.... We take the day off and the lucky recipient gets prezzies and breakfast in bed. They then get to decide on the day's activities. For Mother's & Father's Day it's similar. I've had my croissant and coffee and flowers and have read the papers and am about to head out for lunch. Other years my husband has cooked and has picked flowers from the garden ( little snowdrops etc) so it doesn't need to cost much money. The idea that it's not your responsibility because you're not his mother is bull shit but some people seem to work to this logic. My husband has a friend who did not buy his wife anything for Mother's Day when their baby was really tiny. Wtf. It honestly did not enter his head- I put him straight and I'm afraid I'd be putting your husband straight too. Sorry to sound bolshy. Ps the light box is awesome....seen them in Rocket St George.

We don't 'do' these things - but by that I mean we don't do big boquets sent to work, huge statement presents.

Our version of not doing includes cards though.

I think you need to have a word.

There's a fine line between not being taken in by the commercialism, and being a miserable bastard.

Only found mumsnet last week (how is it I had never heard of it)... Anyway first post but had to reply to this. I'd be sad too if DH never made an effort, I don't get much for mothers day, bubble bath usually, but DH makes the effort to take the children to pick something for me and it means a lot, and they love doing it... Anyway I think on the next occasion Mary you should take the children out to choose something for you, when I was a single parent I quite often took DS somewhere like body shop and asked the assistant to help him choose something up to the value of £10 while I waited outside.... Then we'd go out to lunch or to the cinema.... DS loved it... Perhaps you could do something similar with your older DD next time, do something special together.... Either that or tell DH actually you feel quite hurt and want to talk about occasions again and find something you're both happy with :D

^There's a fine line between not being taken in by the commercialism, and being a miserable bastard.^ THIS

i don't want valentine's cards, and we don't go in for big presents. but i do expect a mother's day card and a bit of extra effort / love from the dcs facilitated by dh.

my friend put it well last year when none of her kids got her a card. "it is a part of our culture - mother's day, father's day, birthdays, christmas, easter, fireworks" that's what we do, that's what we celebrate.

You are not happy with the status quo. So change it.

My aunt and her husband never argued. Because she always said it wasn't worth it. As a result she became really unhappy and resentful.

Are you Jehovah's Witnesses? If so, YABU as JW's don't do Mothering Sunday seeing as it's a Christian celebration. Mother's Day is part of that.

Yanbu. I'd be upset by that. I don't agree with the PPs who say it's not her dp's job to do something for her. My fil buys my mil flowers every mothers day. Their kids are long grown up. I think it's lovely.

For reasons I don't want to go into, I'll never be spoiled or treated on Mother's Day. So I treat myself.

IF something not happening is going to disappoint you, you should be explicit in telling people. Mother's Day isn't over. Remind your DH that he was going to help your dc's set up the lightbox. Don't just sit there feeling disappointed.

And at some point - away from important dates - discuss this policy with him. It's not a household rule if you don't both agree. It sounds like an excuse for him to be lazy and neglectful, especially as you say you arrange to do things for him on Father's Day. I know some people say that you shouldn't need commercialized days to show love and appreciation for the people in your life, but if it never happens, then really you need those commercialized days!

YANBU except for the fact that you've really allowed this to happen by accepting his dictat that you won't do presents because he can't be arsed. Which, let's face it, is what it's about, isn't it.

He doesn't want to have to think about buying nice things for you that will make you happy; so he sets up a situation where he doesn't have to.

Does he buy you presents or thoughtful things throughout the year? Bet he doesn't, I can almost guarantee it.

DH would do this if I let him get away with it. I haven't let him (well mostly, the year I was pg with DS2 and he said "I haven't got you anything, I thought I'd take you shopping" I pretty much told him to fuck off as I had SPD, acid reflux and was just way too fucking tired to wander round the shops! So no present that year.)

However, you are right - a kind gesture costs nothing, and it would have cost him nothing bar a little bit of thought to have cleared up for you and done the lightbox message. You weren't even worth that much thought for him, which says a lot about how he regards you, sadly :(

Have some and some and - and maybe buy yourself a nice present to make up for his shitness.

OP are you married to my DH???

He's the same with birthdays/Christmas etc and I buy all the presents for both families etc. It doesn't bother me usually because we tend to buy something we want for the house but he didn't get me anything for my 30th in January and I was upset

We had a chat and today I got a toy monkey and a chocolate bunny that he took DS1 (3) to pick out yesterday. I'm over the moon with them, all I wanted was a bit of appreciation.

YANBU to be pissed off but maybe talk to him calmly and explain why it upsets you.

You don't do these things because it's not important to him but it's important to you. Why do his opinions over ride yours, is it always this way? Why don't your feelings matter? You should be saying to him that actually it does matter to you. A bit of appreciation and thought goes a long way.

I don't understand why you cleared up OP. If you go round doing it, don't be surprised that he lets you.

I would have said, 'DH the place is a mess, clean it up you filthy bugger'. And if he had suggested I help I would have given him this look and said 'It's mother's day, I'm putting my feet up'.

Why can't you do something like that. What are you afraid of?

"MD is for DCs to do something, you aren't your DHs mum. MD is bollocks anyway. "

This really irritates me.

Why?

So DCs aren't supported by parents to:

• buy birthday presents for others
• buy Christmas presents for others
• buy Easter eggs etc for others

Are birthdays bollocks? Are all holidays bollocks? Why is it only bollocks because a man has to support the children to do something thoughtful and considerate?

Would he get the arse if you didn't do anything for fathers day?

I get it and send hugs... but I'm feeling grouchy as this is the second year I didn't even get a card from OH... in his defence he buys presents but not cards... ungrateful aren't I. I just think a card is nice.

Um... No. I'm not a Jehovas Witness. I probably would've mentioned that.

And as if my Mother's Day wasn't shit enough already, the restaurant doesn't have our reservation! I can only laugh!

My Ex never did anything for Mother's Day either. I'd sit with your daughter and help her do the message of her choice. I always bake a cake with the kids and let them go wild with smarties and sprinkles to decorate it, then go out somewhere for lunch.

Oh no, Mary - that's awful! So do you have 2 mothers on your hands and nowhere to put them? Eeek! Send Feckless out to the shops to get something for lunch at home, maybe - then at least he'll have done something!

Oh op! I really feel for you. Tell dh he's in charge of kids & get some

I once told my husband that I didn't like receiving flowers and they were a waste of money. A few years later I changed my mind and decided I loved flowers after all, so I told him that. People are allowed to change their minds about their expectations, but they do need to communicate that change of mind to the relevant parties.

What I'm trying to say is that if you want a fuss made after such a long time of no fuss being the norm then you need to make that clear.

I only read to the end of page 1, so that may not make sense now.

Yanbu, it doesn't matter if op isn't his mum why can't he support the dc in doing something nice?
Doesn't he appreciate her to at least make her feel a bit special on the one day that's so focused on being a mother?

Someone just wrote "it's not about the presents it's about the thought". That's exactly it. Yanbu op.

How rubbish of him. YANBU. He's being mean.

Dh tried to do this because he doesn't bother with his mum (I don't know how she feels about this. Last weekend he suggested our dc don't bother for me

I said 'no way are you doing that to me. You're not teaching the kids that I don't matter. I expect something. Something little bought or made with love'

He has obliged.

If the restaurant is out and you have DM and MIL coming to yours, don't forget to remove the lightbox saying ITS FUCKING MOTHERS DAY from view.

Not celebrating birthdays sounds utterly miserable and not somehing I could do.
For mothers day I got nothing, last mother's day I got nothing either. Next year I'll get nothing. Until my children are old enough to make something