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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think its actually ok to be pissed off at having a shit Mothers Day?

140 replies

Bogeyface · 06/03/2016 02:31

All these posts about "entitled" women wanting diamonds and generally taking the piss are really horrible and not really what MN is about surely?

Its ok to be disappointed you know!

There will be some women who go over and above for their families and no one acknowledges that. A card, a few flowers, is that really too much to ask?

No my husband is not my child, but I am the mother of his children and its not too much to expect him to help them, remind them and encourage them. Kids, especially teens, are notoriously self centered so saying "They are old enough to do it themselves" is true in theory but not in practice. A reminder of "Dont forget its Mothers Day on Sunday, have you made mum a card yet?" is all it takes.

And sometimes being ignored on Mothers Day hurts because it is just another little straw on the camels back.

Frankly I think its disgusting that people find it entertaining to take the piss out of women who are feeling low, unloved and not cared for. Sure its become a Hallmark Holiday but that doesnt negate the feelings of a woman who wakes up tomorrow to just another day with a husband who doesnt think that her efforts as a mother justify recognition so buys his own mother a bouquet but doesnt help his kids do anything for their mother.

OP posts:
Lurkedforever1 · 06/03/2016 09:59

Not read the other thread, but I think with older kids and teens they should be able to organise it themselves. I'm a lp so I do agree the partners involvement when they are young is necessary. However by 6/7 dd was capable of remembering to give me the card she'd made at school and a odd offering of 'breakfast'. And as she's got older expanded on what she does. At 12 it means far more to me that she's put in the effort and thought herself to get a cheap, but much needed present, a card, and made breakfast in bed for me. Rather than if somebody else had reminded her, given her a load of money, and helped her with it. By 10 or so any nt child that goes to school or to shops should be able to manage without an adult facilitating it. And if they don't it's hardly the dads fault they're a bit thoughtless/ forgetful any more than it's the mums.

Young children or sn of course are different when the other parent should be helping them.

IdaJones · 06/03/2016 10:01

Yanbu. It's just an excuse for women to be bitchy and snipe at other women.

HeavenlyPeas · 06/03/2016 10:01

Completely agree OP. For the record I am currently having a shit mother's day - I have tonsillitis and am mainlining painkillers as can't get antibiotics until tomorrow, DS has D&V, and DH has an important exam tomorrow so is keeping at arms length from both of us as much as possible and living in a little bubble of dettol spray. And because he's so behind with revision from looking after us both I told him not to waste time yesterday going out to get a card and flowers.
The difference is I know he does care, he's still brought me tea and a pain au chocolat in bed not that I can swallow it and he's promised we'll have a nice family day once we're better to make up for it.
I imagine for most people it's nothing to do with whether or not they've actually got a nice card and some flowers or a gift, but whether they know they've been thought of, and whether their role as a mother is generally valued.

MrsJayy · 06/03/2016 10:16

There is the other side to this women moaning that their partners dare to see their mother or the flowers were not good enough or the children dare to go out saw that last year or the martyrs who say i dont make a fuss on MD its fine people make their own happiness relationships have to come and go dithering about expectations dont make for a happy mothers day imo

RufusTheReindeer · 06/03/2016 10:30

I think its fine to be upset about having a shittymothers day, i have never had one...yet

My three are 12 and up, i make it very clear that if i dont get a card their lives will not be worth living Smile i even reminded them yesterday which resulted in a mad dash to the shop with their father

One is in bed, one is on minecraft...i did say good morning and was there anything he would like to say to me, there was a slight delay because he was killing something. Dd just smirked and said happy birthday

Ds2 said i have a lovely present...he hasnt seen it but it cost them £4 each so it must be good Grin

i can see it being much more of an issue for me when they all leave home and it gets more difficult for me to threaten them

starry0ne · 06/03/2016 11:00

I agree OP..I commented on a post last night.. It is about been appreciated...Your DH is not your DC annoys the hell out of me because sometimes we have to help our kids..

I am a LP..I celebrate MD more than my own birthday as it is what I spend most of my life been..

My DS loves doing what he can ..He has made croissants for breakfast bought stuff from card factory ( my money ) because he wants too...

I put my son's name down for a cubs event today..It doesn't meant he day has to resolve about me..The washer is on .I will be cooking my own Sunday lunch in a while..but yes I want to feel appreciated...If I had a partner I would expect him to help my DS do the stuff I have had to help him with this am so he can do what he wants for me...

I think some posters are right about appreciation should be shown frequently not on MD but when it isn't then yes you want something more.

Parenting is tough although very rewarding... I do see it as a day to acknowledge what I do...

I don't think for most it is about the present itself..

MissBattleaxe · 06/03/2016 11:15

YANBU. It's about not feeling appreciated and it's a valid feeling.

Oldraver · 06/03/2016 11:22

I completely agree and the snidey 'he's not your mother' posts are horrible and totally missing the point.

I get erm........quirky presents, but they are bought with love. DS gets very excited so it wouldn't matter what he got or if it was just a card.

I think nothing, unless you have made it clear you dont want even a card, is hurtful and disrespectful

Noisytraffic · 06/03/2016 11:27

We've never done Mother's Day in our family - we've always been of the opinion that you should appreciate throughout the year. I send my Mum random 'I love you' cards which she says mean so much more.

MrsJayy · 06/03/2016 11:33

He is not your mother pisses me off too you are the mother of his children get off your backside and get a card

Sniv · 06/03/2016 11:38

I'm not a mother so I have no horse in this race, so it's interesting to see people's reactions, expectations and bend-over-backwards justifications. There's a lot of false dichotomies, isn't there?

"I'd rather be appreciated 365 days of the year". Well, honestly, you can be and still have a special fuss made of you from time to time.

"I don't want a load of cheap tat", Well, I didn't buy my mum cheap tat - did you? I bought my mum embroidery silks, beads, hand cream, a chocolate bar and a card. Under £15 worth, so not expensive but all nice things she'll like and use. Obviously I'm a bit more savvy than your average 8 year old, but if an adult is in anyway steering the effort there's no need for a small gift to be shite.

"It's a Hallmark holiday" we celebrate most things (birthdays, anniversaries, halloween, pancake day) in certain ways because we're basically told to. I think life would be less fun without random festivals, and I think Mother's Day is an even better idea than chocolate egg day or dress up a ghost day or eat a pancake day so I'm happy to participate.

You're allowed to want some treats and fun and a bit of fuss made of you sometimes. I certainly do.

Puppymouse · 06/03/2016 11:40

My DH nearly forgot Mother's Day. It came up in conversation and I gave him a rolled eyes look and a quiet FFS but wasn't too bothered. Yes, I was a bit narky but it wasn't remotely a symptom of him not loving me. He just has a very difficult relationship with his Mum now and hadn't really remembered he was meant to help DD (2.5) with getting me a card etc. He pulled off a lovely morning here anyway with breakfast, a present and a card.

Some people are just genuinely wired not to understand commercial stuff and show their appreciation in other ways. It was never a big deal in our house growing up really but as a mum now I make sure to acknowledge and tell mine I love her.

murmuration · 06/03/2016 11:41

I haven't read the other thread, but I agree OP.

Last year I was just made to feel worse when I posted about feeling bad on Mother's Day. I have self-perception issues where I don't feel like I 'deserve' to be call a mother and don't really 'count' as a parent - like I'm just faking it. I know what caused it (issues in first few months of DD's life), but can't seem to shake the sense. Having my second Mother's Day arrive and go without anyone even acknowledging that I was a mother, even to say, "Oh, forgot to get you a card" - my second Mother's Day and the second time it had happened - made everything worse. Then being told I was silly and entitled just reinforced the belief that nothing regarding being a 'mother' should ever apply to me. I shouldn't have posted, as I hadn't been crying before that!

Happy to say this year that DH did in fact help DD get me a card and while I am unsure what this 'lie in' that people speak of is :), I am just thrilled to be acknowledged. That's all I wanted. And maybe I can even think I might really be a mother (although even typing that my brain is going "no! you're just deceiving yourself! you don't really count as a mother!"... but I'm hoping that perhaps repetition of such days may make that voice quieter and quieter).

Dexterjamesmummy · 06/03/2016 11:44

Allnames same here. This is my 2nd mothers day without my little boy (he died at almost 13 months), I read fb this morning and just cried seeing all the Mothers day messages. I've now got a little girl and she's poorly today so we're doing nothing! I got a card this morning (I made it myself at playgroup this week 😁) but the only thing I really want I'll never get so Mothers Day is a bit shit for me too really x wishing a peaceful day to all the mummies without their babies x

Puppymouse · 06/03/2016 11:46

Dexter Thanks so sorry about your little boy xx

fuzzpig · 06/03/2016 11:58

I agree that it's usually a symptom of the relationship in general, going on most of the threads I've read anyway.

BipBippadotta · 06/03/2016 12:04

Flowers Dexterjames It's my 2nd mother's day without my daughter, too. No other dc & in the middle of fertility treatment & both missing our mums. So a bit of a bleak one in our household.

Have been wondering, reading these threads, whether relationship-celebrating days like Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentine's Day etc are worth it, purely from a utilitarian standpoint of % of people made happy vs unhappy by them. Seems to trigger a lot of sadness, grief, disappointment, resentment - feelings that are already there but heightened on a 'special day'. I always wonder if it works the other way - if Mother's Day heightens the happiness of an already happy mother. Apart from on places like FB (which I don't trust to reflect anyone's actual emotional state) I don't see a lot of 'what a fucking fantastic X day I've had, I feel so loved and appreciated - isn't it wonderful that this holiday exists?'.

Snowybelle · 06/03/2016 12:12

So glad you said this bogey

Been genuinely shocked at posters on other threads.

Those whom are under appreciated and under valued, not just today but the rest of the year too, you have my sympathies and support.

Mothers don't ask for much, it's not in the job description, not why we go into it. However, one day a year to be made a little card or a breakfast with help from dad, it's not asking for diamonds the world.

You should not be ridiculed. The women whom have shamelessly done so are not characters worth bothering with IMO. They are pretty unnecessary to society. I will probably get a scathing quote on that. Also they are only diminishing their own value as a mother. Good mothering is not practised for reward but that doesn't mean it doesn't deserve respect and a little recognition now and then. Remember that. And if it takes a hallmark day to kick some people up the arse to do it, then so be it.

Let's show some solidarity on this topic at least.

For women who get forgotton, not just today but all year round, Flowers for you.

doubleshotlatte · 06/03/2016 12:12

OP I totally sympathise my DCs are 6 and 3 and in no way old enough to do anything more than make me a card, which they both did, little scribbled declarations of love that I treasure.

But I was NOT HAPPY to hear DH this morning, when DC1 innocently asked: "Daddy have we got mummy something for mother's day" He snapped: "No, she's not my mother, why didn't you get something for mother's day." Shock

And I always get something for Father's Day for him "from" the kids. Angry To which he will no doubt say "I never asked you get me anything." He and PILs don't believe in all these "commercial" special days and do nothing about them.

Poor lil DCs did scurry off to draw me another card after their Dad snapped at them Sad

expatinscotland · 06/03/2016 12:13

I completely agree, Bogey. That other thread is awful.

IdaJones · 06/03/2016 12:22

Men buy flowers on mothers' day on behalf of their children as they are helping their children show appreciation for all they do all year and also showing appreciation themselves. That's a good thing and it's a good example to the children generally to show appreciation for things people do for them . "He's not your mother" is a ridiculous thing to say."

expatinscotland · 06/03/2016 12:24

'And I always get something for Father's Day for him "from" the kids. angry To which he will no doubt say "I never asked you get me anything." He and PILs don't believe in all these "commercial" special days and do nothing about them.'

Then don't get him a thing for Father's Day.

thatdarncat · 06/03/2016 12:31

YANBU.

I got absolutely nothing today. Have 2 DC, admittedly both under 3, but still, DH went in a rant yesterday about how it is all a scam by card companies. His own mother naturally has been given a card and gift bought by himself.

No lie-in, no breakfast in bed, didn't even have breakfast with me as he was still in bed fannying about on his laptop while I was eating breakfast with eldest child. Has now went to visit his mum with the kids while I'm at home.

I absolutely hate these posts aimed at telling people to be thankful and not expect diamonds. We don't want diamonds, we want to be appreciated. And too many times we are not. Yes, we should be appreciated all year round but birthdays and Christmas have been commercialised, yet we still throw ourselves into those with vigour.
And don't get me started on the last great "kick em when they're down" outpost - Facebook. Endless pictures of cards, flowers, gifts, hashtags galore and the outpourings of thanks by partners. Yep, you guessed it, not had that either. The galling thing is it's always those mums who manage to maintain a social life that would make the cast of TOWIE envious and drop the kids off at grannies every weekend who are put up there as earth mothers, the rest of us who are lucky to get an hour in the supermarket alone are never recognised in this way.

In summary, I am thankful. I am thankful that I have two beautiful, healthy children. I have a lifetime of memories to make and things to look forward to. I am thankful that I can look after them, provide for them, be the comfort to them. I am however disappointed that everything I do, day in, day out, goes unrecognised by the father of my children.

MrsAmaretto · 06/03/2016 12:41

YANBU. It's not to much to ask for 2 days in a year (Mother's Day & my birthday) that I am actually thought about and someone takes 5 minutes to think of buying me flowers or a card. I've given up expecting anything nice to be planned for me.

IdaJones · 06/03/2016 13:02

Someone on the other thread wrote something i agree with
I'm not going to sneer at anyone morning tomorrow because quite often the posters are hurting for another reason really. There was a time people used to figure this out and post constructive and supportive stuff. Now a lot of people are just waiting for a verbal wank off to put someone down. sad