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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is dh bu (recent bereavement)

52 replies

PunkrockerGirl · 05/03/2016 20:00

My db died 8 weeks ago Sad
My parents also are dead, so it's only me left from my family.
Pils are coming mid April. To be fair they stay in a b&b round the corner.
Dh works a lot of evenings so he thinks it's ok to leave me to entertain pils in the evenings.
I have to get up for work at 5.30am. Pils insist on staying here to watch the 10pm news even though they could watch it at the b &b Confused
Dh is upset because I've told him he needs to cancel work engagements and be here to entertain his parents.
My grief is too raw, I can't play happy families when my own are no longer with me and its too soon after I lost my db.
Aibu to tell dh he needs to be here in the evenings to entertain his parents?

OP posts:
positivity123 · 05/03/2016 20:02

YANBU and I am so so sorry for your loss. I would also insist they leave at 9pm if you can.
Wishing you all the best

HackerFucker22 · 05/03/2016 20:04

He either entertains them or makes sure they leave earlier.

Sorry for your loss, are you sure you want PIL over at all at the moment?

Johnny5isAlive · 05/03/2016 20:04

I think YANBU. What time do you normally go to bed? If they are keeping you up then just excuse yourself and ask them to lock up as they leave. But your DH needs to support you at this tough time

Very sorry for your loss.

jenniuol · 05/03/2016 20:04

No, yanbu. Tbh I think your husband should be there anyway but definitely in your situation. If you're up at 5.30am, 10pm is late to be having guests I think. I'm sorry for your loss Thanks

SleepyBoBo · 05/03/2016 20:05

Not at all - it's his parents! Though they could be told to just watch the news at their B+B, if your husband has to work and you need an early night. It's not like you've asked them not to come, he/they need to compromise here.

Very sorry for your loss Flowers.

dementedpixie · 05/03/2016 20:05

No yanbu, if he wants them there he can take time to be with them.

OliviaBenson · 05/03/2016 20:05

Yanbu. Bereavement aside, why doesn't he take any time off to see his parents? You aren't there to entertain them.

I'm very sorry for your loss and I can fully understand your upset. It shouldn't be down to you in the first place and I can see why this is too much to ask right now.

littleleftie · 05/03/2016 20:06

YANBU

How long will they be here for? I think he has a nerve expecting you to entertain them. Either he joins you/entertains them alone or they should come at a time when he is free to spend more time with them.

dementedpixie · 05/03/2016 20:06

Can you not just excuse yourself to go to bed whenever you need to? Tell them to switch everything off before they leave

AtSea1979 · 05/03/2016 20:07

YANBU but why don't you just ask them to leave at 9pm?

Roseberrry · 05/03/2016 20:09

Yanbu, grief is so tiring! He should be there most nights to help entertain, it's only fair.

Sorry about your brother. It will get easier to deal with, just takes some time Sad

Guitargirl · 05/03/2016 20:09

YANBU

If your DP is not listening, I think I would deal with him later when you feel more up to it and I would just explain how you feel to your PIL for now.

Are they reasonable people?

BIWI · 05/03/2016 20:09

... or why don't you just go to bed and leave them to watch tv?

I'm sorry for your loss, by the way. Please, please, please be kind to yourself, and don't let other, inconsiderate people take advantage of you.

Katenka · 05/03/2016 20:13

Yanbu. I think it's only fair he takes time off when is parents are visiting. Even without the bereavement.

Thanks for you

pippistrelle · 05/03/2016 20:17

For me, even in the best of circumstances, your husband would be VU to leave you to entertain his parents. In these circumstances, it's thoughtless and unkind.

Condolences, OP. I hope your husband realises how unfair he's being, and steps up to the plate.

FigMango1 · 05/03/2016 20:22

YanbuThanksyour Dh is being really insensitive to do this. Does he expect you to be over it by then? You need to tell him that he's being very unkind by dumping this on you.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2016 20:24

YANBU. She can't leave them and go to bed if he doesn't get home till really late unless they have a key to lock up behind them.

positivity123 · 05/03/2016 20:25

I've been thinking about this and I think you could be honest with PIL and explain to them that your grief is exhausting you and could they support you by leaving earlier? I'm sure they would understand xx

Original poster
PunkrockerGirl · 05/03/2016 20:25

Thanks for all your messages and condolences.
It's always been a bit of a 'thing' . Tbh my work pattern (I'm a nurse) is always come home, chill a bit, go and watch some telly upstairs and set the alarm for 5.
This

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 05/03/2016 20:26

Thanks Op.

I don't think YABU at all. You can't be feeling up to entertaining anybody, never mind seeing his family gathered around him right now.

Is there any way under the circumstances that the visit can just be rescheduled for a better time when dh is more available?

AlisonWunderland · 05/03/2016 20:26

Sorry for your loss.
Even without that, your DH should be around if your PIL are coming,, and not leaving you to entertains them

TheWitTank · 05/03/2016 20:27

YANBU. He either takes the time off, or they leave earlier than 10pm. Unless they are total unreasonable fuckers, they must understand that someone who works at 5.30am needs to be in bed early surely?! Be honest and tell them. Or just leave them watching TV, go up to bed and tell them to let themselves out when they are finished. So sorry to hear about your db Flowers

OTheHugeManatee · 05/03/2016 20:29

I think YANBU. If your DH is being thoughtless I would tackle this directly with your ILs. You can emphasise that you really want to see them while still making it clear you are struggling and need a LOT of extra sleep while grieving.

Original poster
PunkrockerGirl · 05/03/2016 20:32

Sorry pressed post too soon.
This way, dh expects me to come home from work, cook an evening meal for them (I eat at lunchtime at work) and entertain them until he gets home at 10ish.
I could cope with this normally. I shouldn't have to but I do. But I cannot play happy families at the moment. Dh is not getting this.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 05/03/2016 20:33

Even without the reason tragic loss, it is unreasonable of DH and your PILs to expect you to entertain/host them nightly until 10:35 pm -ish, especially when you are working and have to get up early. Completely unreasonable.

And even 9pm would be too late if it's nightly!. When are you supposed to have any time to yourself, relax and prepare for work the following day?!

They can watch the telly at their B&B. Or your husband can deal with them. He needs to get over himself and be home to sit with them or tell them what time they have to be out. Just tell him when you want them out, and make him be the messenger with his own parents.