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AIBU?

Is dh bu (recent bereavement)

52 replies

PunkrockerGirl · 05/03/2016 20:00

My db died 8 weeks ago
My parents also are dead, so it's only me left from my family.
Pils are coming mid April. To be fair they stay in a b&b round the corner.
Dh works a lot of evenings so he thinks it's ok to leave me to entertain pils in the evenings.
I have to get up for work at 5.30am. Pils insist on staying here to watch the 10pm news even though they could watch it at the b &b
Dh is upset because I've told him he needs to cancel work engagements and be here to entertain his parents.
My grief is too raw, I can't play happy families when my own are no longer with me and its too soon after I lost my db.
Aibu to tell dh he needs to be here in the evenings to entertain his parents?

OP posts:

Report

clairemum22 · 05/03/2016 22:12

I am so sorry for your loss. I completely understand that entertaining dh's family will hit hard. To be honest, even without your bereavement Intnk it's a pisstake to have to entertain until 11 when you have to be up at 5. I'd be going to bed to chill be about half 8/9. It's rude of your Phil to expect this and very inconsiderate of your dh. Take care of yourself and I hope dh listens and helps you.

Fishface77 · 05/03/2016 22:08

So sorry for your loss op.
Tell him. Tell his parents.
I'm not very confrontational so would be more inclined to change my shifts to lates if at all possible or make sure I go straight out from work and come home late.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2016 22:06

8 weeks is no time at all. He needs to be told. Plenty of people who have not suffered so much bereavement aren't that insensitive.

And again, even without that, he's pisstaking to expect you to do this every night when he knows you have to get up at stupid o'clock in the morning.

AyeAmarok · 05/03/2016 22:00

So sorry to hear about your brother, OP.

YADNBU about your in-laws. Your DH is an insensitive arse if this didn't occur to him.

PunkrockerGirl · 05/03/2016 21:57

Expat
You are quite right, I'm enabling him.
I need to be told, so thank you.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 05/03/2016 21:53

It's still pisstaking to expect you to cook dinner and entertain every single night whilst he has 'work engagements'.

And this time? I'd tell him NO.

And then go to IKEA every night and hang out there till 10.

Yika · 05/03/2016 21:52

I agree absolutely - Y.A.N.B.U. Their visit (if they visit at all at this point) should be designed to support you in your hour of need - and your DH should be doing that already day to day. You are absolutely in the right to insist that he shoulder the burden of their visit. Very sorry for the loss of your DBro.

OTheHugeManatee · 05/03/2016 21:47

How long is the visit, OP? Is there any way they could be asked to postpone?

I think as your H is being an arse insensitive about this the best solution is to address it directly with your ILs.

AdoraBell · 05/03/2016 21:40

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

YANBU in the least. Having lost my parents some years ago I would say you tell him either he is home to deal with his parents or you will go out straight from work and be home around 11pm.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2016 21:33

'This way, dh expects me to come home from work, cook an evening meal for them (I eat at lunchtime at work) and entertain them until he gets home at 10ish.
I could cope with this normally. I shouldn't have to but I do. But I cannot play happy families at the moment. Dh is not getting this.'

For real? Even without your loss, you have to get up at 5am. And it's HIS parents. You need to stop enabling him like this.

'I can't play happy families. This is too raw for me and I'm exhausted. So I won't be cooking a meal or staying up late. You take off work or I'll have to tell them myself, before they come over, that I can't do this.'

The end. And then fucking do it.

I'd tell them, actually.

Naicehamshop · 05/03/2016 21:29

No. You need to speak to him very very firmly about this. It's not acceptable, and he will be rearranging things so you are not put upon in this way at such a sad time.

OTheHugeManatee · 05/03/2016 21:26

And I am so sorry for your loss.

OTheHugeManatee · 05/03/2016 21:25

This way, dh expects me to come home from work, cook an evening meal for them (I eat at lunchtime at work) and entertain them until he gets home at 10ish.

He is having a fucking giraffe

PunkrockerGirl · 05/03/2016 21:24

Thanks peaz
You're right, a sibling loss is very, very hard
Dh has both parents alive, plus his 2 sisters.
He hasn't a clue what it's like and why I'm putting my foot down regarding the in law's visit.

OP posts:

EweAreHere · 05/03/2016 21:17

Your DH may 'work a lot of evenings' but you work a lot of mornings. Why should you be the one inconvenienced when he gets to carry on as normal even though it's his family visiting?

This.

And not only that, you are grieving! And he gets to carry on while wearing you down.

You have go to say No.

peaz1 · 05/03/2016 21:15

So sorry about your DB. Mine died last year and it is a painful, horrible place to be in. Sibling grief is something many don't understand. My relationship with my PIL is fraught, due to their attitude to my brothers death.

You need to put yourself first. You may feel like their company one night, another night you may not. If you've got a good relationship with them perhaps you could explain this? I had to cancel nights out or leave events early because I just couldn't cope with it. You don't know if you are you going to be up to it from one hour to the next.

PM me if you ever need to chat. x

1234HW · 05/03/2016 21:06

I am very sorry for your loss.

I think yanbu.

How close are you to his pils?

Has their visit anything to do with them wanting to look after you? And/or Can they maybe support you in any way (as it looks like your partner has long days) ? Cook you a meal, meal out, proper chat, hug?From personal experience I found it surprising how caring some people turned out to be (and others not :-( ).

Take care x

TendonQueen · 05/03/2016 20:59

Your DH may 'work a lot of evenings' but you work a lot of mornings. Why should you be the one inconvenienced when he gets to carry on as normal even though it's his family visiting? I'd be asking to stay at a friend's for the week and telling him you're having none of it.

notquitehuman · 05/03/2016 20:58

You poor thing. Yes he's being unreasonable expecting you to entertain PIL, bereavement or not. He should also be doing his fair share of cooking and cleaning up after them.

Let them stay at yours and you go to the B&B for a break.

MistressDeeCee · 05/03/2016 20:57

My grief is too raw, I can't play happy families when my own are no longer with me and its too soon

OP, can you just say that to your DH, OP? It really does say it all in terms of how you are feeling

So sorry for your loss. I lost my DB last year April there's no way I would have wanted to play happy families at that time

Your PIL staying till almost 11pm! when the news finishes is too late by the way, that needs to be a "No" from you for a start its just too long an evening on a workday. It doesn't make sense.

RandomMess · 05/03/2016 20:55

Can you not cancel their visit?

YANBU

Sorry for your loss

browneyedgirl1974 · 05/03/2016 20:52

Yanbu. I remember having to attend a birthday party for mil a few months after my mum passed away and it was horrible.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/03/2016 20:48

First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. And no, you aren't being unreasonable to want time to grieve.

I think the whole routine surrounding their visits needs to change, tbh. I never expected my DH to 'entertain' my parents when they visited (my iLs died before we moved away from our 'hometown') even though he routinely had 1 or 2 days with them due to his work schedule. And I especially would never have expected him to be sleep deprived to do so! They usually did something with the kids or visited relatives who live in the area and occasionally he'd go with them. Your DH needs to start taking time off or your iLs need to learn to feed and entertain themselves on workdays. What do they do when you're both at work? Is there a reason why you can't go on up to bed at your usual time and they can let themselves out or watch TV on their own til DH gets home?

As a rule when my folks visited on workdays I came home to either a meal cooked by my mum or an offer to 'treat' us to supper. They never expected us to disrupt our workaday schedule, but rather fitted themselves into it. I think it's because our greater family never looks at visiting family as 'guests'. We're family and when we visit each other we just get on with it and don't expect to be entertained 24/7.

littleleftie · 05/03/2016 20:39

punk I agree with PP that this whole set up would be unacceptable even if you hadn't just lost your brother.

You have to put your foot down and tell DH that you cannot cope with this and if he wants them to visit he will have to take time off or they will have to cancel.

How long are they coming for? Can you stay somewhere else? I am a mardy bitch but I would book into a hotel to make my point if I had to.

eddielizzard · 05/03/2016 20:38

so sorry.

yanbu.

firstly, your pils should leave before the news. i'd ask your dh to sort this out. he can do it nicely by explaining work. they'd have to be pretty unreasonably not to understand this.

secondly, of course he should bloody be there in the evenings! he's their son! they wouldn't be visiting you if it weren't because of him!

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