To think that children will fit in around OUR lives, not the other way around?

[HonestQuestion]

I am sure I'm going to get flamed for this but maybe there will be some good advice too! (I have NCd)

DH and I were talking last night about how we intend to bring up children. We have seen friends and family where DC rule the roost - everything is organised around the children. The children aren't ever left to their own devices to play; the parents are constantly playing with them and distracting them with activities. The TV is always switched to children's channels, not the news or anything adult. Evenings with the family have to be run on the children's schedule for naps and snacks and feeding.

Even when they are in bed, the mums are held hostage to the DC speaking over the walkout talkie and summoning them to the bedroom plenty of times before they finally go to sleep. We meet up with our friends for lunch or dinner or a day out, and always seem to come home not really having had much of a chat or catch up with our friends - because the day or evening is always all about the children - we all have to be in their thrall!

It seems the experience of raising a child these days is so far removed from how DH and I were brought up. We remember being left to our own devices to play, watching the news and learning about the world from it, we remember that the adults ruled the house - my dad would never have dreamed of having kids' TV on all evening when he got home from work!

And it's so far removed from how we want to raise our children. We don't want to lose 'who we are' and what we find interesting. A friend of ours said on FB the other day that she is going on a mini break and leaving her DC alone overnight for the first time in 3 years! I can't imagine being like that! And I can't imagine having a DC, meeting up with friends but spending that time constantly entertaining the children.

AWBU? I have my hard hat ready...

Not read the whole thread

I do get what you are saying
But honesly in parts your life will have to revolve round your kids because a. It is often a logistical impossibility not to and b. You will want it to. I'm not saying you ant possibly know because you dot have children because I had some ideas on things I would do once ds was born and I have stuck with that ( I'm quite laid bck mainly though and go with the flow) you can't imagine how much the love you have for them will influence your thought processes though in comparison to how you think now. I don't mean that in a derogatory way just genuinely I think it's true.

However you do see differences amongst parents in how they do things and may think that's not for me and do stuff differently and that's fine but try not to judge others all parents do what works for them

I was a single mum for a good couple of Years and managed well on my own and still kept my social life ( although reduced!!) I would take dc with me places were other parents I knew wouldn't even with two parents for child wrangling ( meals out for example . You know your children and how they behave in certain situations if they are tired etc and that will also dictate wether for example taking a young dc out for a special occasion meal and letting them sleep in the buggy is something your happy to do. I did this. This doesn't make me better than people I know who don't do this.

I also have been away on holiday without dc , let relatives have them for sleepovers sometimes , etc sometimes through nessescity when I was single. But I have a good social life , time alone with now dp .

But majority of the time my life is centered around them and am happy for it to be like that because I enjoy it!!!

I haven't even given birth yet and all my well prepared plans have changed...

Found out that I was having twins at 13 wks (currently 20+3) and even my pregnancy hasn't gone to plan so far! Hospital appointments every 2 weeks encompassing scans, consultant meetings etc. High risk pregnancy for a number of reasons. I'd planned to continue my exercise/training throughout pregnancy, but at 20wks, I'm huge and it's too high risk for me to do anything but swimming and pilates.

We haven't even had the babies yet and we've had to rearrange the house (our planned nursery isn't large enough for twins); rethink my work plans - now can't afford double childcare costs (£500 a week for full time nursery - I don't think so!), and my birth plan has pretty much gone out of the window as the birth will be decided by the medical staff dependent on how early I go into labour (won't get to full term). I have no idea how we will even begin to look after 2 newborns at once!

However I am so looking forward to my new challenge, and that's how I'm viewing it! I can't wait to have something new and scary and exciting to get my teeth into!

You can have a wonderful life as a couple. If you don't want anything to change then don't have kids and it won't.

sometimes people have kids because it's what you do, it doesn't have to be what you do.

It sounds as though parenting would be an inconvenience for you both.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha

That is all.

Haven't rtft beyond the first dozen or so replies not just thought I'd pop on to join in the hysterical mirth add that OH and I thought Exactly the same as you!! And then we had our own kids.....

I'm not going to flame you. I think to some extent it depends on the child. My parents would also take me out with them to parties from babyhood onwards and I'd fall asleep under a pile of coats until it was time to go home. I also have many memories of sitting with a book or something to colour while we had lunch with their friends or whatever. But I was a very quiet child so it was easy for them to do. I now have two DC - went on holiday without DD with no worries, but DS is much more clingy and I haven't even attempted to leave him yet for more than a couple of hours (and when I did he screamed blue murder). So to some extent I think it's the luck of the draw

If you have kids who fit in around your life great! Lucky you! If you have people willing to look after your kids so you can have a night away. Lucky you! If you have kids that sleep anywhere just whenever they're tired. Lucky you!

Can you guess that's not quite how mine turned out? And it's absolutely nothing to do with parenting I cannot stress that enough. My 2 girls are completely different despite the same parents both being girls.

Good luck with your ideals but do check back when you have your first baby.

^and both being girls. DH is definitely not a girl.

I will join in the pointing and laughing.

I had children because I wanted ti spend time with, and bring up, children. I'd soent my life so far doing what I wanted to, i felt it was time to put others first for a while.

As it turned out a) we dont live near family so had no one to take them for sleepovers, or even baby sitters. B). Just as the eldest got old enough to go to friends houses, turned out she had a talent for sport, so all our weekends, and evenings are spent going to tournaments, training, filling in entry forms, booking trains, hotels and flights.

I havent bought clothes or had a haircut in a year, never mind time for hobbies and interests of my own!

I used to say that when I had children they would be well behaved, they wouldn't watch telly, they would have no devices or phones until they were at least 18, they would go to bed when they were told, they would sleep through the night, we would carry on going on exotic holidays and back packing and our lives really wouldn't change that much at all. Our friends believed that would happen for us too, because we were really laid back people. After the children arrived we found none of the above to be true.

It's easy to say your life won't change when you have children, before you have children. Actually having children and trying to carry on as normal, is a lot more difficult than it sounds, almost impossible in fact. Especially during the first few years. There will be at least some things you will have to sacrifice.

Personally I would rather accommodate my children's needs and put them before my own if it means they are happier and more content, as this makes my life much easier too. Dragging them from pillar to post, carrying on with my life exactly as I did before, would probably result in some very unhappy children indeed. Children are life changing, raising them is hard work. Don't have them if you expect everything to remain the same.

Today my 20 week old DS who was settled into a beautiful routine had a massive growth spurt

He refused to be put down all day. Woke at 3 am and has fed - wait for this - 15 times.

We were so damn wiped out and I was so totally paralysed with the fatigue by 4 pm that we cancelled our dinner plans and collapsed into a heap on the sofa when he finally slept at 7 pm. I had cried my eyes it wit the suddenness of this because he is a otherwise wonderfully settled baby.

I haven't brushed my hair, DH is out on his tenth trip outside to buy things we've forgotten this time bog rolls and the dog hasn't been walked

Of course such a day won't happen to you op. Your baby will not have growth spurt days.

I would point and laugh but today I have been to hell and back. So I will leave he laughing to others.

Good luck dear.

I'm sorry if anyone has mentioned this but we don't know what electronics your child will need at school in 10 years+. It wouldn't be surprising if secondary school children will be issued with tablets by then and who knows how good technology will be with Internet calling etc. We really can't speculate whether a child who hasn't been conceived yet will have a phone at school (or what phone) aged 11 as technologically and educationally things will be different.

If children are just going to fit in around your existing lifestyle and routine, why bother having any at all?' .

Have a couple of kids and get back to us OP. I don't plan my life around my children, but we do a lot of family things together. Kinda why I had them......

depends on the child. You are more likely to be stressed by non fitting in children if this is what you expect.

Also depends on the children. If you get non sleepers or children with disabilities or additional needs or poorly children then your life does revolve around them. this does not make life worse, just different. harder than having a comliant child, but no less rewarding.

oh and I have not had a night off in five years as a single parent of two children with additional needs. they are not yet able to be without me to be babysat, nor are there any relatives or close enough friends on hand to take them on. Quite a significant chunk of those five years had a child co-sleeping as this is what they needed. This is what you do as a parent. You need to look after yourself to be able to look after them, but there is a lot of putting their needs first. and you want to because they are wonderful and gorgeous and you love them. most of the time You wil even find you make life a lot harder for yourself because you want to offer them opportunities and chances to do wonderful things.

I'm another who'd love you to revive this for the update.

Look, we've all been where you are now. And it's hard to describe why the pre-child thinking sounds so preposterous in hindsight. But ultimately, you can't possibly say 'how it will be' at this stage, because having kids turns you into a different person, with different priorities, living in a different world (at least for a while). You might as well speculate how you might go about your life as a beekeeper on Jupiter.

Having kids changes you very profoundly and a lot of what feels important to you now will not be. I agree with the poster who said that when the time comes a) it's easier to work around them and b) you'll want to. My DS is the centre of our family and home. I love that his mark is everywhere in the house and our family life revolves around him. That's not to say we've totally lost what we had before, but our reality is very different now.

maybe you'd be better suited to getting a dog.

Actually, no. A cat might be better. Cats are very independent and shouldn't impact upon your social life at all.

I haven't read all the replies, nearly 500 so I just can't, even then they will move on faster than I can read so sorry.

In many ways YANBU. Your friends sound a bit like nightmares and so do their kids.

I had many similar views and still do, with an 8 and 6 year old. We were at a dinner party with friends and they had the fucking baby monitor on and the children were older than mine and I just thought, why? They know they can hear them, they are playing them, and they still think its mandatory.

A lot of the things I said I'd never do I still never do and never would.

Some things I wouldn't have necessariy forseen have happened, but none of them the obvious controversial things I said I'd never do. I don't think I've gone back on anything I felt strongly about enough to talk about.

That said - I didn't make any daft proclamations to be fair! I was pretty open minded.

Ha ha ha

I am forty, and have seen various friends have first babies over the past decade. Now, I no longer say anything when they are still pregnant and talk about their plans for getting back into training for their favourite sport at around 6 weeks after the baby is born. To be fair, one of them managed. Her husband was the primary carer, though, which I think made a difference.

Another one here saying that you sound quite naive about your children fitting into your plans. They may do but it's just as likely they will not. I'm sure your friends at all your dinner parties will be delighted when you insist on staying with your screaming, overtired child And I'm sure you'll find it just as enjoyable.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to carry on with aspects of your pre-DC life, but surely the first priority as a parent is your children's happiness and well being? That is unlikely to always be compatible with maintaining the lifestyle to which you are accustomed! Do come back and let us know how you get on with it though!

Like you OP, I also knew it all and had parenting ideals BEFORE I gave birth to my daughter 6 months ago.

I turned my nose up at children's to. Now sticking my child in her bouncer in front of CBeebies for half hour in the morning is a welcome relief whilst I sit on the settee, finish my morning coffee in my chronically sleep deprived state and quietly have a nervous breakdown

Don't judge it until you've been there.

I thought this too but as every reply I've read so far (didn't get them all!) agreed our life has changed completely.

Yes you can just take your children with you wherever you go. But I found in reality It just didnt work. My two were so much easier to manage when they had a routine. Most babies don't sleep on demand...And even friends who didn't push a routine seemed to find the children fell into their own. It makes my day much easier 99 % of the time. I know what they need and when.
However as an example my kids (1 & 3) need lunch by around 12.30 and to be asleep at 1 ish. So if friends invite us over for lunch yes we could go. But we would probably have two over hungry kids as (childless) friends would be late and take ages to order. And then they would be tired and whine. They are very well behaved (usually) but you just can't expect them to sit still for long doing 'adult stuff' so I end up doing sticker books ofr drawing (not chatting up adults) So yes we could go but it would probably not be fun. Lunch at home followed bykids having a long nap while we rest (clean up...) is probably more appealing.

I also thought, easy just hire babysitters. But most kids love their parents. Mine do and scream blue murder if left with anyone else (new people). And as a mum that is horrible to see as I love them too. So we do use babysitters but usually from 8pm when kids are asleep.

My kids are still small and need a lot of attention. im looking forward to them being a bit more independent (possibly an age you remember yourself?) but sure parents of older kids would tell me it's just new challenges...

I think I might be easier to do you own thing more if you have family close by (I don't)

I hope you have some very chilled out, easy babies. But guess you might be in for a shock...

Thanks for that I was feeling really down today and oh how I laughed. Before DS was born I was full of "no child of mine quotes...". Give it a couple of months you'll just be saying " ill do whatever I need to do to get through the day". Parenthood changes you in ways you have no control over.