To think that children will fit in around OUR lives, not the other way around?

[HonestQuestion]

I am sure I'm going to get flamed for this but maybe there will be some good advice too! (I have NCd)

DH and I were talking last night about how we intend to bring up children. We have seen friends and family where DC rule the roost - everything is organised around the children. The children aren't ever left to their own devices to play; the parents are constantly playing with them and distracting them with activities. The TV is always switched to children's channels, not the news or anything adult. Evenings with the family have to be run on the children's schedule for naps and snacks and feeding.

Even when they are in bed, the mums are held hostage to the DC speaking over the walkout talkie and summoning them to the bedroom plenty of times before they finally go to sleep. We meet up with our friends for lunch or dinner or a day out, and always seem to come home not really having had much of a chat or catch up with our friends - because the day or evening is always all about the children - we all have to be in their thrall!

It seems the experience of raising a child these days is so far removed from how DH and I were brought up. We remember being left to our own devices to play, watching the news and learning about the world from it, we remember that the adults ruled the house - my dad would never have dreamed of having kids' TV on all evening when he got home from work!

And it's so far removed from how we want to raise our children. We don't want to lose 'who we are' and what we find interesting. A friend of ours said on FB the other day that she is going on a mini break and leaving her DC alone overnight for the first time in 3 years! I can't imagine being like that! And I can't imagine having a DC, meeting up with friends but spending that time constantly entertaining the children.

AWBU? I have my hard hat ready...

10 years ago twitter and instagram hadn't been invented, cars with blue tooth had not been dreamt of... and now look at us virtual reality headsets are about to launch in the shops.

And you're honestly standing firm over your child in 11 YEARS FROM NOW only being allowed a payg phone....

Can you see how this sound so ridiculous to many of us?

I think there is a compromise to be had between your vision and the parents your perceive to have been to adaptable to their dc's op.
You are right I think that some people have kids and their life outside of that stops to an unnessacary degree. To the outsider looking in that can be quite annoying but you have to remember that that's what they feel comfortable with. (And you yourself can't know how you'll feel until it happens). There are other parents that try and make more effort to maintain their own interests and invest continuing time in their outside interests and friendships-but even those parents have to compromise y necessity and want to do so a little bit more perhaps than you have described. I am more in the second camp. I was youngish when I had my girls and none of my friend had kids.I made a conscious effort to not stop doing the things I had enjoyed doing pre kids, to avoid becoming a baby bore when with them etc.And it worked to some degree.But I had to cut back drastically on my social life of course in comparison to pre kids (and indeed I wanted to). Most of the time the kids must come first-if you ate lucky you will have kids that fit in around you, but be prepared not to be! Also be prepared if you are going to try and maintain your social life to be very very tired! Going out til 2 and then getting up with a baby is pretty tough.

Simple phones making calls only to Mum and Dad! So they could never even text their friends!! Even texting may be becoming a little dated now. All of the local secondary school kids I see round here are surgically attached to their phones.

I doubt such a device even exists. You will need other ways of even trying to keep up with their phone and internet use, and even then they will find ways around when out or with friends, unless you ban friends too.

You have no idea how the world of mobile phones and internet will evolve by the time any potential children of yours reach that age, but believe me when I say (as a parent of 3 DDs age 20, 17 and 13) that I feel I have to run faster and faster just to stand still with it.

In fact, whenever I get an upgraded phone it is very often my teenagers who get me started learning to use it. They seem to have an innate understanding of such things, whereas I find that at nearly 50 now I am generally slower on the uptake than I used to be.

You are wasting time over thinking this at this stage of your family.

It is like writing the introduction to your PhD before you finished your GCSEs or getting quotes for bathroom tiles for the loft extension before you start house hunting.

That's the stage that really scares me HexU. That balancing act you mention.

My eleven year old isn't on social networks, but very keen on programming in c and scratch!

However I disagree that social networks are worse than real life for friendship breakdowns etc. I can't easily see a conversation that my DD has had with friends, resulting in problems, but we can and do review convos on social media. I've found its opened up communication rather than the other way round. My older DD I am friends on FB etc, can see their friends profiles...

op

DH and I could have written your op about 3 years ago. I can safely say we were both very naive and wore beautiful rose tinted glasses.

Your life will change and IMHO it changes for the better.

JizzyStradlin - scares me to, we are so not ready for it.

On plus side both DH and I have good tech backgrounds and our eldest has so far been a sensible sort.

Their current school attitude to computers is mostly laudable - but they insist this platform thing is safe - chat part is monitored but I don't know who is on it, though other schools apparently are, or much about it at all.

I can only see the situation getting harder and harder to control. I want our children to be safe but don't want to restrict them too much.

So you bite your tongue that CBeebies is on, you don't agree with children going to lots of activities or having things other children have and you expect children not to interrupt?

Fusion, if that was a reply to me, I think you're being rather black and white or obtuse about what I wrote. I've listed some stuff I hope we won't do. Hope. I haven't commented on what we will or won't do, because I'm not in a position to. I also haven't said that I want my (currently hypothetical) child not "going to lots of activities or having things other children have", just that to me it seems excessive that an entire weekend is spent ferrying a child back and forth.

Twix - that Catherine M. Wallace quote is well and good, but the views of a "a cultural historian and literary critic" (I Googled her) are no more or no less valid than the views of any of the hundred folk on this thread. It may work for you or get you through the day, but I hope that at some point I'll be able to teach my child that it's rude to repeatedly interrupt when others are talking. If that's unrealistic, so be it. I'll find out soon enough. I've seen plenty of children (family's, friends', students when I used to teach) raised in a "child centred" way, and the outcome isn't a reflective, responsible young adult. That's what I've seen (yet another caveat for you) so on the basis of what I've seen (""), I hope to avoid that approach and that outcome.

I'm not even techy HexU. Going to have to book myself onto some kind of course when the eldest turns 10, methinks.

Creeping - I said no iPhones at 11. Certainly a very basic PAYG will be needed once they start becoming more independent. You'd better buy one now and look after it then because I doubt they'll be selling dumbphones by the time your yet-to-conceived DC reaches 11
Are you going to insist they travel by penny farthing as well?

Yes, do OP.

Haven't read the whole thread but I reckon you may be in for a shock if u have children.

Also one of the great secrets about becoming a parent is the utter relief of not having to think about yourself and your entirely dull problems anymore. You can extend that to all your 30-something friends and their similarly dull problems too.

Parents often reeeeally like spending their time doing things with their children.

^^This. it's hard to describe this to other people. I work full time, when I'm not at work I want to be with my kids, and they deserve that family time too. I just can't fit family time, friend time, extended family time, mow the lawn/house work/shopping/cleaning time, "me" time etc in - there are not enough hours in the day. So a lot of it is multitasking time. I am visiting with you friend and also hanging with my kiddos.

At this stage of my life that is what I need....and I'm okay with it.

Instead of judging your friends parenting, try to empathize that they are in a different place and space than you.

I was the person who said my 11 year old has a smart phone (and mobile data shock horror).

We have whatsapp but no forms of other social media yet as child not interested. They have parental controls - which we found apple to be very handy at setting it up as my child's phone links to ours.

Also having a mobile phone is a privilege and I have the right to check it at any point. the high school support social media and talk about monitoring rather than preventing it. We have boundaries for Internet use and I'm slightly annoyed by your assumption that it's both unmonitored access and therefore neglectful. However it's because of your naivety of all things parenthood which means that it's just funny. You've slated parents with babes to parents with teens and all in between. I'm sure I once had these thoughts but they were so long ago I can't remember.

I have know lots of people expound at length about how that's the way it should be before they have children. The only people I know who have put it into practice after the baby arrives are, to be frank, pretty awful parents who have with sad kids with big hang ups.

The good news is that having children is a totally voluntary endeavor and no-body need do it. Lots of people choose to remain childless and although there is sadly still some judgement around that, it is far more realistic (and kinder) to run your lives to suit you as a couple if you don't have children.

From way they behaved after we became parents we both think it hit them how much they had missed by being so busy and carrying on like they did pre DH - there have been a few comments along those lines.

DH's mum says this. They got married young and had little control over their fertility (Ireland in the 60s and 70s) so had a big family that they took every opportunity to escape from by going to the pub/parties/weekends away. She says her children, nieces, nephews etc are better parents than her generation were and enjoy their children much more.

My parents probably had your mentality, fast forward 25 years and I've just come home to spend Mothers Day with them, it's a 300 mile round trip to find out they're going out tonight

Remember not to go too far in the other direction. Surely you should be having kids because you want them not because you think it's what you should be doing.

Completely agree OP! Obviously certain logistics of having children means you do have to "go with it" but when they're a little bigger then no way should they be ruling the roost! Too many parents are slaves to their children.

Not an assumption WBD - it's what we have seen with our own family and friends - even with the locks they still find a way around it! 11 year olds don't need mobile data access so our 11 year old won't be having any.

That's a bit of a contradiction OP - "kids find a way around it but ours won't"?

The more you post the more I feel like an old sage shaking my head and wisely saying "ah the naivete of youth".

I'm 21 ffs, OP stop making me feel like this

Ds (6) has ASD traits (verified by ed psych), although not enough for a diagnosis at this point in time, and had medicated silent reflux as a baby. When I was pregnant I imagined him rolling around happily gurgling on the floor while I got on with my work with an occasional glance and coo in his direction. In reality, he was never happy to be put down for longer than a few seconds. He also hated the sling. I had to walk outside for hours to get him to sleep. When the movement if the pram stopped, his eyes and mouth pinged right open. I was intensely jealous of people with low maintenance babies and wondered what I had done or was doing wrong.

DS has continued to be more time consuming and challenging than I could have expected pre child. He has always hated playing alone, and his anxiety and worries coupled with a perfectionism and a somewhat pessimistic attitude mean that he needs his hand holding a lot more than other children. He is just about OK going to school now, but resists separation from us for any after school clubs or classes or to go on play dates parties. He probably will be better at ir a few years, but I have had to adjust my expectations. As DS hates occupying himself, one of the few ways we can get peace is by handing him a tablet and letting him watch TV. So, he does that more than I would have though was good. But "something's gotta give". No family or friend help around.

EssentialHummus

Re: if that was a reply to me, I think you're being rather black and white or obtuse about what I wrote. I've listed some stuff I hope we won't do. Hope. I haven't commented on what we will or won't do, because I'm not in a position to.

Erm, yeah, because I can't see any sense in someone stating what they don't want/won't do/hope not to do/think they might not do in the absence of any experience or ability to articulate what they will do... as they're not in a position to, I am being "black and white" or "obtuse"?

I think the post about it being like looking for quotes for bathroom tiles when you don't have a house or writing your intro to your PhD when doing GCSEs is on the money here. It's just absolutely pointless to pontificate on what you will do/won't do/might do/hope not to do before you actually have kids.

Hey, we all did it, I probably do it about the future e.g. having teens etc. It's human nature. It just normally involves, well, black and white thinking and being a bit obtuse.