To think that children will fit in around OUR lives, not the other way around?

[HonestQuestion]

I am sure I'm going to get flamed for this but maybe there will be some good advice too! (I have NCd)

DH and I were talking last night about how we intend to bring up children. We have seen friends and family where DC rule the roost - everything is organised around the children. The children aren't ever left to their own devices to play; the parents are constantly playing with them and distracting them with activities. The TV is always switched to children's channels, not the news or anything adult. Evenings with the family have to be run on the children's schedule for naps and snacks and feeding.

Even when they are in bed, the mums are held hostage to the DC speaking over the walkout talkie and summoning them to the bedroom plenty of times before they finally go to sleep. We meet up with our friends for lunch or dinner or a day out, and always seem to come home not really having had much of a chat or catch up with our friends - because the day or evening is always all about the children - we all have to be in their thrall!

It seems the experience of raising a child these days is so far removed from how DH and I were brought up. We remember being left to our own devices to play, watching the news and learning about the world from it, we remember that the adults ruled the house - my dad would never have dreamed of having kids' TV on all evening when he got home from work!

And it's so far removed from how we want to raise our children. We don't want to lose 'who we are' and what we find interesting. A friend of ours said on FB the other day that she is going on a mini break and leaving her DC alone overnight for the first time in 3 years! I can't imagine being like that! And I can't imagine having a DC, meeting up with friends but spending that time constantly entertaining the children.

AWBU? I have my hard hat ready...

Goodness.. I don't think I'd think about it too much yet - you never know what kind of kids you're going to get.

I'd be judged by you both ways I reckon - our kids (2, 5) come pretty much everywhere with us because we live abroad - so last night they were up until 10:30 having been to an indian restaurant with our friends and us (thank goodness for ipads - another judgment tick). Our lives do revolve around them a bit because now the 5 year old is in school, so that's fixed times he has to be somewhere, and nothing can vary there. Bedtimes, luckily, we have sorted now (but for years DS1 wouldn't let me leave for an hour at least!), but I carry water and snacks (and a change of clothes) everywhere still because they're kids, and if we get delayed, they'll get hungry.

DS2 amuses himself but likes to talk to me, DS1 always wanted me near, but at least I could work because he was quiet - but they both need monitoring to make sure they're not having bright ideas, or the 2 year old needs a nappy change, or they're falling asleep, or any one of 100 things - all kids are different, and you need to treat them accordingly.

Caprinihaha - you have just hit the nail on the head for me with 'some parents lack the confidence to stand back'. I've just ran through all the parents I know in my head, and it is all the more insecure ones who are ott child focused. Interesting.

Marilynsbigsister from what I understand of your post, in your first marriage you had your first children together with your husband. In you second marriage you bith had grown up children from previous relatioships.
I think this makes the whole difference.
Having your first children together better say your first child - this changes the whole dynamics of the couple relationships - especially when the kids are still young.
That is the most difficult time that you will probably experience in your life.
It's no wonder it doesn't work out for so many people.
Once there are more and older kids it's much more possible to look at your couple needs.
But the first time it's just hard.

Oh OP. The thing you are missing is that you aren't a couple anymore, you are a family. They are your children not an accessory.

If you want to raise individuals you need to take their wants and needs Into account. And you will. And you will laugh at that idealised view of how you will raise your children because we all do it.

But yeh, this is the sort of thing I would have said at 15 years old looking into the future (also no plastic tat, no gadgets etc) the fact of the matter is you do whatever you can to get you through. It's very abstract until you actually do it.

And you will want to talk about your baby in minor detail because you will want to know you are getting it right and that orange baby poo is normal.

Good luck though.

It doesn't sound like you actually like children.

Our lives changed immensely when we had children but I expected them too. We grab couple time after they go to bed but the day hours are theirs. They are only young for such a short time and should look back on that with fondness not sadness due to parenting methods.

Exactly bathtime! OP isn't getting a rough ride because of being ignorant. We all knew jack shit pre children. But most of us didn't start threads advertising how little we knew!

We all have ideas how we will parent

Then we become one and well it's a learning process all the way

I have not been one of those parents that fits life around naps, feeds, playgroups, having nursery rhymes on in the car, going on holidays that he will enjoy but i won't I have tended to pick things that I can enjoy too apart from the odd few hours at soft play. I was asked once when he was a baby if it was fair on him that I dragged him round friends houses and we sometimes stayed late or he would be asleep in his buggy in a restaurant after 9pm he was happy and a very content easy baby and being a single mother I needed to see my friends. For some that sounds awful but for us it worked but I was and still am one of those parents that does think I do not have to stop being me and do what I enjoy for ds to be happy

Parenting is hard work
(for some much harder) but nothing is as rewarding it's what you make it, for most of us anyway

Ha ha you wait until you have children. Yes your lives do have to adapt to fit round them. You just can't go out for a meal or clubbing and leave them home alone!

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if i'm repeating points already made. I don't think you're being unreasonable to think this pre kids at all. However if you're posting then i assume you're open to listen to a different perspective. To say kids need to fit around your life is a little like saying a new full time job, of which you have no previous experience of, has to fit around your life. It's unreasonable to think that when you start a new full time job that you're not going to need to learn new skills and that it won't be a big impact on your life - probably to the extent that it does rule your life for a while. i've certainly had those points in my career where it's all about work and life is on hold for a time.

This is very amusing. I also would love to hear an update in a few years time. This is very naive. Life is different.

Lets hope you dc don't have any extra needs...

My DH shares the OP's views and so do all my in-laws who live abroad. They have a completely different culture - definitely adults rule the roost. Kids really have no say. They think I am soft and DD pampered. But in their homes they have large families and they all live close together so there are always lots of children around for them to play with each other and plenty of adults to keep half an eye on them.

I do have a friend who once told ds he shouldn't be joining in with adults talking at the dinner table

I laughed he always has done and been encouraged to apparently it's not something she will do when she is a parent

That's fine she loves ds to bits and he loves her just she has different ideas

Good Luck OP.

I broke all my "rools of parenting" within 6 months, and I'm a better parent for doing so.

If you do have DC they will probably become toddlers just around the time that Your friends will have more independent DC and can enjoy a lie in again. If they are kind they will remember the toddler years and try really hard not to look too smug

Haven't read the whole thread but I think I'm in danger of becoming a martyr mummy...

We take dd out with us to places, but the first sniff of her getting upset I want to leave.

I won't eat til she is settled at night, and I suffered quite a lot if guilt (not sure if it was pnd) when she was first born over doing things for myself.
Its something I need to watch as time goes on.

But every one is a perfect parent until they have kids. I always said my kids wouldn't get sucked in to children's tv characters, peppa pig rucksacks and on the night garden bed sheets ect...
However... The first time she laughed at the twirlywoos on cbeebies that was it... She has toys, clothes and books now, all adorned with them!

With my first, he was premature and a sick neonatal baby so I gave him every bit of attention I could spare.

Bought him anything he ever wanted
Stuck to set routine thinking I was doing what's best for him haha
Took him to so many extra activities we always had something planned next.
Now I realise I was doing it all wrong

Then when I was pregnant with the second, things just HAD to change. I was exhausted from the pregnancy and working full time. Oh was exhausted from working overtime at the end of the tax year. It was too much to continue.

So I had to agree for set times for homework, doing stuff together and time for me to rest in the evenings

Now we use weekends to build Lego and stuff I would of done with him at any time before.

Now I have the second child, it's a real struggle to get him to sleep through but no way am I spending all day and night entertaining him. If dinner is late that's no big deal, if it gets burnt by accident and he eats toast, I don't stress that he won't get enough vitamins like I did with my first child.

If he has to play with toys himself for a while when we watch tv, that's also no big deal.

I don't think you should put your children first all the time and I have learned the hard way not to!

I understand a lot of what the OP is saying, and I do have two children of my own.
Children need to learn that actually, sometimes, things aren't always going to be about them!
We go for meals and they can draw/colour/ chat quietly between themselves while adults are talking.
If people are over after bedtime and they are in bed, that's where they stay!
I'm a Not a one woman entertainment crew, if they are bored they have plenty of things they can play if I'm busy!

I have 4 DC ranging from 8 yrs old - 5 months. As PPs , I was a great parent before that. I feel that I have become progressively less so with each child/stage because there are different stages along the way and they are different for every child according to their personality/peer group/experiences. Every age throws up something new.

Basically, the more I parent, the less I realise I know. I haven't hit the teenage years yet and am full of respect for those with adult children who have managed to come out the other side with offspring and own sanity intact. Frankly, it is entirely up to them how they parent.

Love the concept of them all just fitting rounds us though. Can't see how that would work short of locking them in a soundproofed cupboard!

You are being totally unrealistic in assuming things could be this way...but I do not blame you, I was exactly the same while expecting dd1. Despite my best intentions, She was a high needs fussy irritable baby with severe silent reflux (on ranitinide) and colic. Her first six months were spent screaming what felt like 24/7 and would not be cuddled or lay down. I ended up some nights standing up walking around for hours just to give her some relief from the burning acid in her throat. Although not serious illnesses, some babies are naturally fussy! A far cry from the imagine I had of me and dh hosting dinner parties with dd sleeping serenely in her nursery .....for examples, you want to go out for dinner and your baby sleep in pram...thats fine...but how relaxing would it truly be if your baby fights sleep and screeches for over an hour and vomits in the process? My guess would be that you would join the thousands of parents who think a takeaway at home will do for a few years instead! So you abu to think 100% it will be as you described. But you anbu to want or hope to parent your way you.described.

You are not being unreasonable - I felt the same before DS was born but now he is here, I am more than happy to work around him and I don't miss the things I was desperate to cling on to before.

Don't have children yet OP You've got a fucking shock coming!!

I remember when my youngest was born, how we just wanted to go out for lunch one Sunday. I am sure you can imagine, as we did, how this lovely little newborn would just sleep quietly in her removable car seat with handle, next to us, as we chatted about adult things and enjoyed each other's company. What happened? She screamed and screamed. Did we try that again? Nope.

i thought as you do before i had kids

I haven't R all TFT but -

• you're not taking into account how much you're going to love your children.
• you seem to talk as if they're all pliable and will fit to whatever mould you provide, which many won't.
• you're underestimating the power of a decent nap I'm their own cot for many children
• you haven't taken into account how much you and your priorities might will change.

But I don't think you're U for realising how important it is to maintain relationships with your DH and friends and i dont think you need to pander to every whim of your offspring.
We all have hilarious ideas before kids arrive; just don't get upset or be too hard on yourself when they don't work out.

I dont know anyone who parents like that.