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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay up?

117 replies

blahblueblah · 04/03/2016 22:31

I've name changed to protect my identity.

As a family of 6 siblings we have contributed on average at least £500 a year towards my parents cars, new kitchens, bathrooms, doors, floors - the list goes on to projects desired my mum. Each year we get asked by one excited sibling to contribute, everyone else works and earns high salaries and they readily agree, I feel awful because as a SAHM I do not earn money and although my dh is lovely about it and we are not very short of cash I still feel guilty/bad about it.
On one occasion I was asked for £1500 for a new car to pay immediately and I was unable to agree as we were in the middle of a major building project, I was unable to contribute, I was assured this was absolutely fine.

So now my dad has lost a lot of money in a scam, lost all his savings and he has also borrowed secretly from his siblings and my brother and my sisterand I am now being asked to contribute towards the settling of these debts and given I have been a SAHM for 10 years I am feeling very uncomfortable about expecting my dh to cough up again, my siblings think I'm being tight - they have all massive houses, no mortgage and no financial issues.
Tonight my lack of contribution to the car has been brought up - 4 years on - my lack of enthusiasm for paying back my aunt who gave cash to my dad and doesn't want anything back because he basically brought her up. I'm not convinced I need to pay back my siblings for the money they lent my Dad either - if he'd asked me I would not have agreed - we simply wouldn't have had the money but now it seems that everyone else's financial decisions are my financial responsibility.

I need some perspective...

OP posts:
TheSkiingGardener · 04/03/2016 22:34

It's not ok to spend someone else's money.

That's the basic fact here that you always need to come down to. Your siblings are very welcome to spend their money however they want but they cannot tell you and your husband how to spend your household income.

MsVestibule · 04/03/2016 22:35

No, you shouldn't pay up and no, you shouldn't feel guilty. I know it's difficult when it's something you've always done, but a 'No, I won't be contributing' should suffice. They'll get used to it!

dementedpixie · 04/03/2016 22:36

Tell them all to fuck off and that you are not responsible for the debts of other adults

BackforGood · 04/03/2016 22:36

YANBU to say no.
Indeed, from where I'm sitting, YWBU to have paid for so much beforehand.

Your parents are adults who need to live within their means.
In the absence of some terrible event or illness outside of their control, I wouldn't have been contributing to all the things you already have.

HortonWho · 04/03/2016 22:37

Tell them they all need to give you £500 for your renovation work and get cross with them when they don't, because your parents and you and your DH were counting on their contributions in your costs and now you can't finish your works.

Unreasonable they say? Exactly what they're doing to you.

Shakey15000 · 04/03/2016 22:38

No way! Stand your ground and tell them to jog on.

ImperialBlether · 04/03/2016 22:39

I'm staggered that your dad had savings but everyone's buying him a car etc! What did he think his savings were for?

HeffalumpHistory · 04/03/2016 22:42

No way!
If your siblings want to pay towards your parents cars/house improvements/debts then their choice, why should it be assumed that you will too. Particularly as they know you are a sahm.

it is not ok to spend someone else's money
THIS!!!

As pp said, tell them to fuck off

lem73 · 04/03/2016 22:47

Personally I don't think this is about being a SAHM. You have been so generous to your parents but you have to think of your own family and the wonder if your parents are abusing this. I would expect to contribute in emergency situations or dire need but this is flipping ridiculous

VelvetCushion · 04/03/2016 22:50

Cant believe what im reading here. Tell them all to get lost.
Dont feel guilty or bad. For you Thanks

YellowTulips · 04/03/2016 22:51

There is a hugely dysfunctional dynamic at play here.

This situation is not normal.

Yours siblings can spend their money as they wish - but equally so can you.

Your priority is to your "primary" family and not your parents and you should feel no guilt about this.

I wonder if your father would have invested in this scam if he didn't think his children would bail him out?

It's fine to buy things for our parents - when it's not at the expense of our children. Any normal parent would say the same.

How did this start? Was it asked for/expected from your parents or is it driven by one or more of your siblings?

LeanneBattersby · 04/03/2016 22:54

This is just absolutely crazy. I've never heard of anything like this before in my life.

Just say 'no I don't have that kind of money available for myself, never mind for other people.' And repeat.

Your siblings sound awful.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 04/03/2016 22:56

WT actual F?! Of course you're not being unreasonable!

suzannecaravaggio · 04/03/2016 22:57

all sounds a bit odd to meHmm

bloodyteenagers · 04/03/2016 23:00

Tell them no.
You have funded your parents life styles for long enough. About time they grew up and funded their own choices.
If a sibling wants to bail them out, fund their life style, whatever, then good luck to that sibling. Just don't expect the others to also cough up.

They can either like it or lump it. But doesn't change the fact that your parents have taken the bloody piss for years. And whilst everyone else has been doing up their house etc, they have been saving loads of cash.

Original poster
blahblueblah · 04/03/2016 23:04

I'm a bit surprised you all think IANBU - while I agree that it's not really a SAHM issue - that issue has made it more difficult for me as I am spending the money dh has earned - although he would dispute that it is his money.
It started I think with siblings wanting to show how well they had done - we have had a very dysfunctional childhood, alcoholic agressive parents but we all came good and like the world to pretend it didn't happen. We don't stay in touch we use money to express emotion.
The fear is that apparently dad dies owing money to aunt and that would shame him and us. Dh is supportive beyond belief but I am over the whole thing.

OP posts:
yummumto3girls · 04/03/2016 23:06

Shocking!! It's normally the parents helping the children out not this way around, feels very wrong and unreasonable of your parents to have expected this so regularly. Can't believe your siblings think it is fair when you don't work - do they expect you to go into debt over it?totally unreasonable!

NameChangeEr · 04/03/2016 23:09

Fuck me, that's insane!
Really really messed up. Even if you weren't a SAHM.
Don't give anymore money, you don't need to pay their lifestyles congratulating yourself for escaping a hellish childhood.

Your DH is a saint.

Seeyounearertime · 04/03/2016 23:09

My perspective would be this,
Dbro: "Hey bro, Mum needs a car, can i have £1500 from you tomorrow"
ME: "Hahahahahahahaha fuck off mate hahahahaha" Hang up phone.

Simples.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 04/03/2016 23:10

I think you should draw the line here and tell them you're not helping to clear any debts and actually, you won't be contributing anything anymore. It is quite amazing that they feel OK to ask for this when your parents are clearly making no effort to budget / plan and are not grateful!

expatinscotland · 04/03/2016 23:12

Oh, fuck them! Tell them NO. Your parents sound irresponsible as hell. Your siblings want to piss money up a wall, that's their business. 'I am not able to contribute. ' Over and over and over.

ToadsforJustice · 04/03/2016 23:12

Your dad owing money to your aunt is if no concern to you. It's a load of crap talking about "shame" in this situation.

I don't believe he had his money scammed. If he had any money, why are you and your siblings contributing? It all sounds very odd.

YANBU.

Canyouforgiveher · 04/03/2016 23:12

bizarre. And I can't help but think that your family's constant bailing out of your parents didn't help them in the long run- they'd have been better off being adults about money and not relying on others. Presents are one thing but press-ganging you into presents is another.

I suspect there is a history of dysfunction here where you are from a culture which reveres the parents (there are traces of this in my own Irish background) and a strong feeling of "you owe them everything". And a family culture in which money equals love. You don't actually have to buy into any of that.

you are right OP. you do not need to rob your own life and your children's to support your parents throwing away money.

lorelei9 · 04/03/2016 23:13

I'm mystified by the whole set up

You do not exist to support the parents who chose to bring you into the world.

WTAF. My head hurts.

YellowTulips · 04/03/2016 23:14

So it's dysfunctional behaviour borne of a dysfunctional childhood.

At some point someone needs to say that "rewarding" shifty parents to prove how well we have all done as kids in spite of them is just insane.

I think you just have to say "enough - I've got nothing to prove here and certainly nothing that money can fix".