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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I pay up?

117 replies

blahblueblah · 04/03/2016 22:31

I've name changed to protect my identity.

As a family of 6 siblings we have contributed on average at least £500 a year towards my parents cars, new kitchens, bathrooms, doors, floors - the list goes on to projects desired my mum. Each year we get asked by one excited sibling to contribute, everyone else works and earns high salaries and they readily agree, I feel awful because as a SAHM I do not earn money and although my dh is lovely about it and we are not very short of cash I still feel guilty/bad about it.
On one occasion I was asked for £1500 for a new car to pay immediately and I was unable to agree as we were in the middle of a major building project, I was unable to contribute, I was assured this was absolutely fine.

So now my dad has lost a lot of money in a scam, lost all his savings and he has also borrowed secretly from his siblings and my brother and my sisterand I am now being asked to contribute towards the settling of these debts and given I have been a SAHM for 10 years I am feeling very uncomfortable about expecting my dh to cough up again, my siblings think I'm being tight - they have all massive houses, no mortgage and no financial issues.
Tonight my lack of contribution to the car has been brought up - 4 years on - my lack of enthusiasm for paying back my aunt who gave cash to my dad and doesn't want anything back because he basically brought her up. I'm not convinced I need to pay back my siblings for the money they lent my Dad either - if he'd asked me I would not have agreed - we simply wouldn't have had the money but now it seems that everyone else's financial decisions are my financial responsibility.

I need some perspective...

OP posts:

Original poster

blahblueblah · 08/03/2016 08:05

Inertia dh would speak to my siblings, my gorgeous, loving man would do anything to make me feel better about all this shit but I feel a deep need to sort this out myself, however painful it might be - I'm fed up getting pushed around by them and if they fall out with me because they say majority should rule and I say I will make my own mind up - then so be it, I see so little of some of them it hardly matters - I'm in that kind of place in my head.

OP posts:

mmgirish · 08/03/2016 08:17

Dear OP, your siblings are being so unfair to you. Their demands are outrageous. I too understand the guilt associated with parents in Ireland but this is a step too far.

Stay strong!

Roussette · 08/03/2016 08:40

This is MN at its best, I am so glad everyone on here is pointing out to you that you really need to stop the money and disengage from any conversation about it!

Blah stand firm with your siblings. It is totally awful that the children are bankrolling their parents! I would feel awful if I had to borrow off my DC's. They spent a little bit more on me this Mothers Day (only about £40! but more than a bunch of daffs!) and I was touched and said "you shouldn't have spent so much" because that's what parents do, not take take take.

No more money to parents, take no truck from your siblings, you can do it!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/03/2016 09:28

Blah - you're sounding so strong, fabulous! Yes, absolutely step away from the dysfunction and the attempt to guilt you into anything - it's their problem, not yours.

I would "warn" you but I think you'll probably realise it anyway - they'll likely try something on whenever your parents have passed away, so that you lose out at that point. Up to you how you deal with that but I think I'd just think "well sod you, we didn't expect anything and don't need anything anyway".

I hope that doesn't happen to you but IME, it could.

Original poster

blahblueblah · 11/03/2016 08:37

I agree Thumb - Dad's debts will have to be paid when the estate is settled - the Trust Dad has put his assets in might not be as tight as the family are assuming - so in the event that my parents need elderly care, there is a real risk that the local authority can use the assets despite the existence of the Trust, in this senario, I will not pay a penny from my own money to settle any debts with people who choose to lend money to my Dad.
We have another family conference tonight - I'm dreading it - I know I have made my position clear, but that won't stop the terriers attacking.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/03/2016 09:01

Do you have to go? If you do, can your DH go with you?

Original poster

blahblueblah · 11/03/2016 09:10

It's by phone - It involves other updates and discussions about Dad's health - mental and physical. I can drop the phone but I'm still dreading it.

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 11/03/2016 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

blahblueblah · 11/03/2016 09:35

Completely agree that my siblings are treating my parents like children but to be fair - that is how my mum likes to be treated , my Dad however does not. His thinking has become a lot more rational now he has been off alcohol for 10 weeks, he would be horrified at the way I am being treated but telling my parents will open another can of worms and it's not long since we had the last one, mum is still very fragile.
I think if it all goes wrong tonight I will inform my siblings of my intention to drag everything into the open hopefully that threat will get them to back off.

OP posts:

averythinline · 11/03/2016 09:38

You do not need to give money for anything - if this trust is not as tight as think and they have to pay for any care you don't have to pay or contribute for that either....

either refer to your email or ask the pushy one to email details so you can think about it/chat to dh..- give yourself a breather if you don't feel up to just saying NO

its amazing that your doing/saying it yourself but cut yourself some slack esp when dealing with the strong sibs- as they were older and had to pick up the parenting role as well they are probably even more stuck in that headspace...Give yourself a break and timeout if you need it..(dc crying/door knock/kettle boiling whatever if on phone)

NoSquirrels · 11/03/2016 17:42

Good luck blah, stay strong.

TheCrimsonPleb · 11/03/2016 18:02

my life is with dh and my kids, where love is open, unconditional and safe.

This 100%

I have a similarly dysfunctional Irish Catholic, alcoholic parent background. I remember when I met my husband's parents I couldn't believe that they just let him get on with his life, never made any demands, didn't insist on being prioritised over everybody.

The scales fell from my eyes and I realised how weird my world view was as a result of my upbringing. It was like being de-programmed and it took a while to get the guts to tell my family to back off. When I did they went nuts - lots of anger and attempts at manipulation and guilt tripping.

My advice to you is focus on your dh and kids. They are your priority and this includes your financial priority.

When you speak to your siblings tonight stay firm. Don't get into a debate about it and renember you are not doing anything wrong by going against the grain.

mathanxiety · 12/03/2016 02:19

If you are able to afford a solicitor, and even if you are not able to, I would hire a solicitor to look into the trust. There should be a solicitor of record associated with it. It might cost you a bit in the short term to do this, but in the long term it might pay off very well.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 12/03/2016 08:27

I hate the stock MN response of no is a complete answer but I think it applies here. Just say no.

Original poster

blahblueblah · 12/03/2016 13:40

I went out with dh and ds instead of staying in for the phone call. Got an email update from dsis about the call - apparently they have all decided that a family reunion at Xmas would be a good idea and I'm about to be the bad guy again because I have said no. I can't even bear the thought of it, I almost feel panicked, I do everything I can not to any spend time with my bossiest sister - these phone calls are bad enough. They want to do this for Dad as he'd expressed a wish to see his whole family together one last time....I think he wants to see us all make up - but the rifts run deep....too deep.
math I have never seen the Trust documents - I have just been made aware of their existence.
Thanks crimson I really hope I don't inadvertently pass the guilt thing on to my dcs.

OP posts:

TheCrimsonPleb · 12/03/2016 13:47

Thanks crimson I really hope I don't inadvertently pass the guilt thing on to my dcd

You won't. You have insight that will prevent that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/03/2016 23:11

Blah - well done for not kowtowing to the diktats of your family. I imagine even if you had stayed in for the phone conference, you'd have still been ridden over roughshod, so you did well to go out instead.

I only have 2 siblings, but there is strong mutual antipathy between myself and one of them (no really good reason, tbf, just a lot of shoulder chips, but that sibling doesn't forgive - I've tried olive branches before and been slapped down, so I don't bother any more). My Dad keeps saying he'd love to have another family photo of all of the grandchildren together - but that sibling refuses pointblank to come anywhere near Dad (lives hours away) when I am there with my DSs. So it isn't going to happen - I feel bad for Dad but there's nothing I can do about it. The only way he's going to get his photo is by digital manipulation now!

At least he doesn't try to get us to spend time together though, which my mum used to. Forcing it makes it worse, IME. Lots of sympathy, especially as you will be subjected to lots of guilt-tripping (What if it's his last Christmas? etc.)

for you.

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