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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I pay up?

117 replies

blahblueblah · 04/03/2016 22:31

I've name changed to protect my identity.

As a family of 6 siblings we have contributed on average at least £500 a year towards my parents cars, new kitchens, bathrooms, doors, floors - the list goes on to projects desired my mum. Each year we get asked by one excited sibling to contribute, everyone else works and earns high salaries and they readily agree, I feel awful because as a SAHM I do not earn money and although my dh is lovely about it and we are not very short of cash I still feel guilty/bad about it.
On one occasion I was asked for £1500 for a new car to pay immediately and I was unable to agree as we were in the middle of a major building project, I was unable to contribute, I was assured this was absolutely fine.

So now my dad has lost a lot of money in a scam, lost all his savings and he has also borrowed secretly from his siblings and my brother and my sisterand I am now being asked to contribute towards the settling of these debts and given I have been a SAHM for 10 years I am feeling very uncomfortable about expecting my dh to cough up again, my siblings think I'm being tight - they have all massive houses, no mortgage and no financial issues.
Tonight my lack of contribution to the car has been brought up - 4 years on - my lack of enthusiasm for paying back my aunt who gave cash to my dad and doesn't want anything back because he basically brought her up. I'm not convinced I need to pay back my siblings for the money they lent my Dad either - if he'd asked me I would not have agreed - we simply wouldn't have had the money but now it seems that everyone else's financial decisions are my financial responsibility.

I need some perspective...

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/03/2016 11:27

So pleased you sent the email, and even more pleased that 3 of your sibs have been in contact and supportive! Excellent.

NynaevesSister · 05/03/2016 12:06

Yes! Well done you. Stand strong. Now that four of you are in agreement it will be harder for the other two to try and manipulate you. You're one step closer to reclaiming yourself from your childhood.

Please look into Al-Anon. This really helped me in my mid twenties. Saying out loud that mum was an alcoholic was utterly liberating. And saying it loudly as if I was saying she had curly hair turned things around. As long as it was a whispered secret between me and my siblings we were the ones who felt shamed.

YellowTulips · 05/03/2016 12:27

Another voice to the "well done" choir Thanks

It's telling 3 of your siblings have agreed with you. It seems that not everyone is as happy with this arrangement as you suspected - like you they may have been under pressure and ran with it to keep the peace.

Wrt guilt - from an outsiders perspective there's a huge irony that the mechanism being used to make you contribute seems entirely lacking in those who should be feeling it - namely your father and the siblings coercing you into this mad premise.

You have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

Quoteunquote · 05/03/2016 12:42

Honestly OP you have to practice saying No.

NameChangeEr · 05/03/2016 13:51

Well done for the email, see you weren't the only one to feel like that.

Original poster
blahblueblah · 05/03/2016 14:47

Actually I still am the only one that feels this way - the 3 siblings who called were checking I was ok and supporting my right to decide what I wanted to do - it's not how they feel though.

OP posts:
NameChangeEr · 05/03/2016 15:12

But its a great start and maybe they'll question there own sense of love. They won't want to imagine their own children feeling they have to pay them money when they can't afford it to show them love.

mathanxiety · 05/03/2016 20:55

Please take the advice of NynaevesSister to go to Al Anon. It's not just for drinkers. It's for those deeply affected by alcoholism too.

LittleRedSparke · 05/03/2016 21:07

i'm adding my voice to the well done - keep it up

Lynnm63 · 05/03/2016 21:50

Well done you. MN at its best, deep down you knew you were right but hopefully we encouraged you to listen to that little voice inside you.

Baconyum · 05/03/2016 23:39

Well done and so pleased you have support

Vintage45 · 05/03/2016 23:50

I'm another one saying tell them NO.

MidniteScribbler · 06/03/2016 06:01

"No" is a complete sentence.

So is 'fuck off'.

Ememem84 · 06/03/2016 07:24

Wow. Well done blah

Original poster
blahblueblah · 06/03/2016 11:47

If you met my siblings you'd realise why they are all very successful and wealthy - they are all dogged in their determination to get what they want and they never give up and to face five people with that amount of determination is exhausting.
That is why I needed to pen the email and make it clear that I will not discuss it any more. I expect I will have to refer to my email frequently when in discussions with my siblings - I have already had to refer to it twice.....one of my siblings has offered to pay my "share" which I have refused to discuss....even in friendly conversations I am getting dragged right back in again.
My dad knows nothing about the discussions we are having about his finances, he does not know that the family wish to settle his debts on his behalf, he does not know that I am being bullied into agreeing to this and he would be genuinely horrified if he found out. Despite having a history of alcoholism, he is a decent person - the scam that he got caught up in was completely out of character, he is not and never has been motivated by money - we are having him tested for dementia, he has had preliminary tests at the GP's and has now been referred on to the next stage.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 06/03/2016 23:05

Stay strong. Look at your lovely DH and your own little family, and keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

Lynnm63 · 06/03/2016 23:47

Perhaps when you email your siblings could say lightheartedly "I'm saying no, please accept that as fuck off might offend'

Baconyum · 07/03/2016 05:27

As an alcoholic he's more susceptible to dementia so that's definitely wise to get him checked out.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 07/03/2016 07:47

Well done op. You owe your parents nothing. I understand though. My mum hasn't worked since 1979 and believed once her benefits ( which she drank ) stopped my dtb and I would stay and hand over our wages every weekHmm. That lasted a few months until we got sick of the " everything I've done for you, I need your money " speech. We moved out. Believe it or not she accepted this and I bet your parents/siblings will to. Most chancers know they're being unreasonable. They just need called on it. As an aside, mum still isn't working and is upset the benefits system don't give her enough to enjoy life....

Original poster
blahblueblah · 07/03/2016 11:28

You see it's not my parents trying to force me to hand over the cash - although they have been complicit to an extent in the past, accepting such over the top gifts. When I don't hand over the cash I'm accused by them of being ungrateful for all the things my parents have done for me - we should be all paying them back for every penny they've ever spent on us. I am the ungrateful, mean, tight spoiled one. It's almost as if my siblings are trying to repay the debt they owe Mum&Dad for their upbring so that they owe them nothing. I'm tempted to share what is going on with Mum & Dad next time I visit, they have no clue that all this is going on.
The whole situation is so fucked up.

OP posts:
MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 07/03/2016 16:42

I think openness with everyone would probably be a very good thing.

mathanxiety · 08/03/2016 05:46

Please don't expect an epiphany on the part of your siblings. They are still completely enmeshed in your family dysfunction and they will not be able to stop and change. They will not be one bit receptive to what you may say. Prepare for lots of flak, even for being cast out.

mathanxiety · 08/03/2016 05:53

This is because so much (maybe all) of what they are doing is a defence mechanism. They are trying to avoid the terrible pain of admitting to themselves that they were not parented, that they were and still are the parents of their own parents. This is really hard to face, because with it come the feelings and impressions from childhood that they are trying to bury and run away from fear, abandonment, rejection, feeling alone, the feeling that they are worthless and the knowledge that something else came first for their parents and that they were powerless in the face of this thing and the terror that comes from realising that their parents, on whom they depended for everything and on whom they should have been able to depend without question for strength, were also powerless in the face of that thing. All of this is buried very deep. Summoning it up again is like walking a minefield.

Inertia · 08/03/2016 06:55

It sounds as though your husband has tried to do what he thought was the right thing in supporting you giving the money, as it's household money rather than his. Would he be willing to speak out to your siblings, and say that as a family you cannot give any more? I get the impression that your siblings would not put pressure on him as they do with you.

Original poster
blahblueblah · 08/03/2016 08:00

My siblings do talk about their awful childhood, at least 2 of them have been through counciling, I went through years of wreatling with the whole thing, I forgave my parents, for my sake as much as anything.
I think there is something in desperately needing to feel the love from Mum and Dad, I think we all have that - needing them to need us, just craving what we percieve as a normal, loving relationship - we take what we can get - scraps and all! If we love them enough, indulge them enough maybe they'll love us back as much as we need them to.
I have the support of three siblings, one sibling is very manipulative and unkind and I do my best not to spend anytime with her, the last sibling allies with her and I think I may have lost her now.... for years I worried about this stuff but I don't anymore - my life is with dh and my kids, where love is open, unconditional and safe.

OP posts: