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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my dh to have his liver functions tested

36 replies

CaughtUpNearTimbuktu · 04/03/2016 21:17

He's a really heavy drinker, most days he drinks until he falls asleep and the following day he aways complains his joints hurt and he feels like he has the flu. He never has a head hangover but I do think this is partly because he's usually got a pint in his hand by midday.

I'm hoping if he gets his liver tested he'll be scared into stopping because I'm sure from the way he's acting it's got some form of damage to it.

I'm at the point where I'm switching off from our relationship but as a person I still want to help him and don't want him to go the way of his father and grandfather because he is a kind soul if only one with a massive flaw.

AIBU to want him to see what he's doing to himself because he sure as hell doesn't care what he's doing to us

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 04/03/2016 21:20

Doesn't he have a job?

Original poster
CaughtUpNearTimbuktu · 04/03/2016 21:21

He's self employed and works from home. He takes his lunchbreaks in the pub

OP posts:
shinynewusername · 04/03/2016 21:22

The trouble is that liver function tests are often normal, even when there is a lot of alcohol damage. So the risk is that you badger him into going, his tests are normal and he takes this as a green light to carry on drinking.

GloGirl · 04/03/2016 21:22

It won't scare him into stopping. He's an addict.

His immediate response to stress will be yo drink not to quit.

There are still smokers with cancer puffing away.

He is living the choices in life - you have to choose yours.

PurpleDaisies · 04/03/2016 21:24

Does he recognise that he's a really heavy drinker? I think unfortunately until someone is ready to admit they're an alcoholic to themselves and seek help there's very little anyone else can do to convince them.

Have you got any support in real life? This website has some good stuff on it.
al-anon.org

Original poster
CaughtUpNearTimbuktu · 04/03/2016 21:24

shiny I didn't realise that which is annoying because he's making himself physically unwell off the back of a psychological problem

OP posts:
Original poster
CaughtUpNearTimbuktu · 04/03/2016 21:26

purple he justifies if by comparing himself to his father who drinks beer like water from waking to sleeping. He sees his father's alcoholism and because he's not as bad tells himself he's not an alcoholic

OP posts:
edwinbear · 04/03/2016 21:26

YANBU. I used to drink a bottle of wine on a Friday and another on a Saturday with maybe a couple of gin and tonics on top, which is obviously well over guidelines, but I didn't touch a drop during the week. I had raised enzymes in a LFT a couple of years ago which scared the life out of me. I stopped completely for 8 weeks and luckily my enzymes dropped back to normal. I very rarely drink these days as I consider myself as having had a lucky escape, had I not had that test I would have carried on binge drinking oblivious.

However, he may well prefer to bury his head in the sand and not find out what/if damage has been done, which is his absolute right as an adult.

PurpleDaisies · 04/03/2016 21:28

He sees his father's alcoholism and because he's not as bad tells himself he's not an alcoholic

It sounds like he's in denial. Do you think he would see his GP?

Original poster
CaughtUpNearTimbuktu · 04/03/2016 21:30

He has done in the past and the gp dismissed him because he has the odd cup of tea Hmm obviously I only have his word on that one but knowing that gp I believe him.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 04/03/2016 21:32

I don't understand-"the odd cup of tea?" Is that supposed to have some protective effect?

Would your dh accept you going with him to make sure he doesn't downplay how much he actually drinks and listen to what the GP really says? I can't imagine any actual doctor dismissing drinking as you've described it in your opening post.

shinynewusername · 04/03/2016 21:35

the gp dismissed him because he has the odd cup of tea

Hmm, as a GP, it is a rare day when someone with a drinking problem tells the truth about their intake. Sounds like DH fed you a line tbh - asking about non-alcoholic drinks isn't even part of alcohol screening.

Original poster
CaughtUpNearTimbuktu · 04/03/2016 21:37

I know right. Buy that gp is properly useless and is notorious for being so. It's just awful that the one time he was prepared to seek help he got turned away, I know with addicts you only get a small window with them when they accept they need help and I'm scared we've missed it

I'm more than happy to go with him. I'll support him 100% whether as his wife or as a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaughtUpNearTimbuktu · 04/03/2016 21:38

shiny he probably fed both a line in trying to convince himself.

I think the only way he will ever genuinely get sober is when his dad dies and I am worried for him that will be too late.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 04/03/2016 21:38

It's just awful that the one time he was prepared to seek help he got turned away.

I agree with shiny (as another (ex now) doctor). That seems vanishingly unlikely. I think he's telling lies to you.

ImperialBlether · 04/03/2016 21:39

If he's drinking at lunchtime, surely no work takes place after that?

shinynewusername · 04/03/2016 21:40

Can you see another GP - either at the same practice or change surgeries?

Original poster
CaughtUpNearTimbuktu · 04/03/2016 21:42

purple it does seem that way doesn't it. I think it's time for home truths (again) and an insistence I go with him to the Dr. Will the Dr listen to me?

imperial he says it does, and he's bringing money in. But thereagain perhaps it's only half what it should be. I don't know I work full time so can't really tell.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaughtUpNearTimbuktu · 04/03/2016 21:43

Shiny if I can convince him to let me come then I'll make the appointment and it will be with the gp who is good with MH issues.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 04/03/2016 21:45

Your husband is an alcoholic. For him to stop drinking he has to want to. Nothing you can do to change that.

Do you have children?

LobsterQuadrille · 04/03/2016 21:48

Hi OP - as a recovering alcoholic, the first step of AA is admitting that we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable and that we needed a power greater than ourselves to restore us to sanity. I'm not saying that AA is the only answer - but the sentiment pretty much has to be there for someone to desire the change. I still have my blood tested in full every year - and your DH would see the effects of his drinking because there are three liver function results, one of which is (I believe) the recent drinking.

The GP issue reminds me of that old saying that you're only defined as an alcoholic if you drink more than your GP. If he's enabling your DH's drinking (in effect) then he's not going to be any good. Can't you make an appointment with a different GP at the same surgery? But the bottom line is that your DH has to want this himself.

shinynewusername · 04/03/2016 21:49

I know with addicts you only get a small window with them when they accept they need help and I'm scared we've missed it

Don't worry OP - that's a complete myth. Recovering from any addiction is a long, slow process - there isn't some brief window of opportunity that has been missed for your DH. So put your mind at rest that the one chance to make things right has been lost.

That's the good news. The bad news is that - because recovery from addiction is a long, slow, difficult process, it is completely pointless trying to your DH to engage in it unless he really wants to. It is hard to get over alcoholism when you are really motivated to do so, let alone when you are not.

I know this is very hard to hear. It is so distressing to watch someone you love destroy himself but you can't fix this for him. Don't let his addiction destroy your own emotional health. Get yourself some help and support and don't give up hope. I have plenty of patients at least as addicted to alcohol as your DH and who managed to get sober.

LobsterQuadrille · 04/03/2016 21:50

And yes, plenty of alcoholics drink at work .... they refer to themselves as "functioning alcoholics" - a misnomer, clearly, but many people who have drunk for years can function on a steady flow of alcohol throughout the day.

Wolfiefan · 04/03/2016 21:52

I'm sorry but he has a drinking problem and won't accept that.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it.
You won't cure it.
You can only protect yourself.
You can't make him change. Either he decides to do something different or you decide whether you can live with that or he has to leave. Sorry.

Original poster
CaughtUpNearTimbuktu · 04/03/2016 22:06

shiny and indeed all of you thanks for your support. I'm OK, I have places I can vent and be supported and I know I need to look after me and the dc but someone has to look after him. He doesn't, and his parents sure as hell don't it. I'm in two minds if I walk out he will hit rock bottom, if I stay he will have someone looking after him when no one else will.

It's horrible.

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