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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to share my medical history with the other parents in the playground?

92 replies

Obliviated · 04/03/2016 13:04

We have a system at the primary school where you have to queue up to pick up your child. There are about 30 parents in the queue, takes about 10 minutes to get through everyone.

I have a problem with my hips, they separated after the birth of my youngest child and although some days they aren't to much of a problem, other days it's very painful to walk and stand, especially when it's cold. I also have a severe prolapse that I'm awaiting surgery for.

I walk up to the school and usually sit on a bench in view of the door so the teacher can see I'm there. Another mum who I know well queues and asks for my child with hers. It's never been a problem as the teacher can see I'm there.

Except that yesterday the teacher said my child couldn't come out until last, because I hadn't queued. I was totally embarrassed because it was said loudly in front of everyone and I sat and waited until the end. I asked him why he hadn't let Ds out with his friend as he usually did and he said that someone had complained that I don't queue like everyone else.

I explained my problem and he was very much of the view that as he hadnt known then there was nothing he could do about it, and that I didn't look like I had any issues. I said he could have quietly spoken to me instead of making a point in front of everyone. He said that it was his responsibility to ensure that the queuing system was used etc.

I have to take a letter from the doctor to enable me to sit on a bench for 5 minutes. And put up with dirty looks and comments from the other parents unless I explain myself to them. It's not like I turn up last and expect to have my child sent out first - I walk into the playground with the other mum, she goes to queue and I sit down. He comes out at the same time as he would if I had been standing right next to her.

I'm not looking forward to the playground this afternoon.

OP posts:
Micah · 04/03/2016 13:10

What do they do for playdates or if someone else needs to pick a child up, childminder for example?

Id go to the office, say you have a formal agreement with x's mum, who will be picking your dc up from now on, so the teacher should hand the child over to them, in the same way they would a childminder.

Tell x's mum first though!

Then see what they say..

FigMango1 · 04/03/2016 13:14

The other parents don't know your issues so they would just assume you can't be bothered to queue like everyone else. It's not up to the teacher to sort this out. How would you prefer to have this arrangement of sitting down but keep your medical issue private?

Original poster
Obliviated · 04/03/2016 13:18

I think it's because I'm physically there rather than having phoned to tell them that someone else is picking him up. I said to his teacher yesterday that regardless of whether I'm there or not the other mum has permission to pick up DS.

There's one other parent in particular that makes life difficult with her comments about queue jumpers and piss takers so I'm pretty sure it's her that's complained.

Most people go over and stand with their friends anyway, it's not the strictest of queues and the majority of the parents seem nice. It seems to be the fact that I'm sitting down that really winds them up. They think I'm lazy. They should try having their uterus wanting to fall out, they could sit down too then.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 04/03/2016 13:19

Jesus wept a Drs note bugger that go and say friends mum will be picking up from now on and you do not appreciate being spoken to like a naughty child in front of the other parents go sit on the bench ignore the tutters

Original poster
Obliviated · 04/03/2016 13:20

I would prefer them to mind their own business tbh. I'm only sitting down for 5 minutes, not walking to the front of the queue and demanding they roll out the red carpet for my Ds. It just seems like such a ridiculous thing to complain about.

OP posts:
FigMango1 · 04/03/2016 13:22

Yes but they don't know why you get to sit down and they have to queue. As petty as it is they might just be irritated to see that. Make an arrangement with the teacher for your friend to pick up your dc and just ignore everyone else.

MrsJayy · 04/03/2016 13:26

It has nothing to do with them why she sits down their assumption of laziness has led to the op being embaressed,(sp)

OurBlanche · 04/03/2016 13:29

And they have no reason to know. Someone has her knickers in a twist and the teacher as been bossed into submission by her.

Contact the office and HT and tell them that your hitherto informal yet workable arrangement has been banjaxed by a squeaky wheel/nosy bitch and that you have no wish to explain your medical needs to all and sundry, but would like them to formally recognise the fix you and your friend put in place until such time as you can stand in the queue and collect him yourself.

spanky2 · 04/03/2016 13:30

Those parents that complained should get a life. If it bothered them that much they should have asked you. I wish all I had to complain about was someone not being in a queue!

TeaPleaseLouise · 04/03/2016 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFairyCaravan · 04/03/2016 13:31

I wouldn't provide a doctors note, I would have a chat to the head. But saying that, as someone who is disabled, I wouldn't have a problem with the HT and class teacher knowing I had health problems which meant I couldn't always queue up to collect my child. It would make my life easier afterall.

Bogburglar99 · 04/03/2016 13:32

Oh for goodness sake. It is painful for you to stand so you've come up with a perfectly common sense fix. In fact the other parents are less inconvenienced because your friend is getting two children released at once, so the queue overall moves faster!

Speak to Head.

elliejjtiny · 04/03/2016 13:35

YANBU. I had a similar issue with 2 of my boys. The school has a no buggies policy so you are supposed to leave your buggy in the entrance and carry your baby into the hall, classroom etc. I have 2 dc who have physical disabilities and walked very late. Both times I had a younger dc by then too. I couldn't carry an non walking toddler and a baby or hold them both on my lap while watching a concert/assembly. I just brought in an appointment letter from wheelchair services for each of them to show the secretary and now all staff know I'm allowed to have my buggy in school.

PollyPerky · 04/03/2016 13:37

I think this is appalling ( as a former teacher!) There is no way a teacher has a right to ask you to produce a drs note- what a cheek. I'd talk to him again and very politely tell him he's overstepped the mark, that your dr has better things to do with their time and your ailments are none of the school's business. I would also talk to the head about the teacher's behaviour which was just crass.

The head needs to tell him that he's overstepped the mark, he ought to apologise and that should be the end of it.

crispytruffle · 04/03/2016 13:38

Tell him to do one! I 100% would NOT be producing any doctor notes! I'd go to the Head and discuss. If I saw a parent sitting daily on the bench I wouldn't assume they were lazy, I would probably think they might have a back problem or something!

Cocolepew · 04/03/2016 13:38

WTAF?! Fuck that.
Do not get anyone a Drs note Angry. If I saw the same person sitting down everyday I would presume there was a reason. Its nobodys business either.
It actually makes the line shorter because there is one less person in it.
This has really annoyed me Blush

Mappcat · 04/03/2016 13:39

Speak to the Head. Situation is outrageous.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 04/03/2016 13:39

"The other parents don't know your issues so they would just assume you can't be bothered to queue like everyone else. "

Wow. I would really hope that the majority of other parents would NOT be this judgmental in a situation they know nothing about Shock

Fizrim · 04/03/2016 13:39

I think it would be more embarrassing for the school if you just sat down each day and your child came out last, so I would do that. Especially if it's likely to be a short-term thing until your surgery. Even more effective if the other parent/child can wait with you until yours gets out.

Wolpertinger · 04/03/2016 13:39

A doctor's note Shock

Does a) he think you are a child and b) think the NHS has nothing better to do than provide him with notes?

I'd speak to the Head and mention hidden disabilities. Person complaining should have been told there was perhaps a reason and he would ask and deal with it and then to keep her nose out of it

TeaStory · 04/03/2016 13:42

YANBU.

Allowing you to sit on a bench and get your friend to collect your DS is a Reasonable Adjustment. A doctor's note is ridiculous.

As for "that I didn't look like I had any issues", how DARE he? I'd complain to the Head.

I'm physically disabled, and the next person who says "so what's wrong with you, then?" as if I don't deserve any privacy will find my walking stick shoved up their arse.

MrsJorahMormont · 04/03/2016 13:43

The teacher is in the wrong BUT you have no idea how many chancers he has probably dealt with - not you! Go and speak to the HT, explain that this was handled badly and that you need support from the school. The teacher is probably caught between a rock and a hard place tbh but I have every sympathy with you OP. HT is the person to speak to. It was highhanded to suddenly announce that your child could no longer come out without checking the reason for it.

PollyPerky · 04/03/2016 13:45

I suppose he is the kind of man who also thinks that anyone using a disabled toilet, unless they are in a wheelchair, is queue jumping as well?

Has he never heard of disability that is not obvious?

I'd love him to watch the video made by the woman who had to change her stoma bag in the loo and was criticised for using a disabled loo simply because she had 2 legs that worked.

yumscrumfatbum · 04/03/2016 13:46

I never fail to be amazed at the pettiness of some people. Why on earth do they even care they you sit on the bench? Our school always has a bit of info on the bottom of letters for assemblies or so on about making provison for parents who have additional needs. I think it is part of the Disabilities Act that they adjust any policies to facilitate your needs. www.nidirect.gov.uk/disabled-parents-and-school

MadamDeathstare · 04/03/2016 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.