To not want to share my medical history with the other parents in the playground?

[Obliviated]

We have a system at the primary school where you have to queue up to pick up your child. There are about 30 parents in the queue, takes about 10 minutes to get through everyone.

I have a problem with my hips, they separated after the birth of my youngest child and although some days they aren't to much of a problem, other days it's very painful to walk and stand, especially when it's cold. I also have a severe prolapse that I'm awaiting surgery for.

I walk up to the school and usually sit on a bench in view of the door so the teacher can see I'm there. Another mum who I know well queues and asks for my child with hers. It's never been a problem as the teacher can see I'm there.

Except that yesterday the teacher said my child couldn't come out until last, because I hadn't queued. I was totally embarrassed because it was said loudly in front of everyone and I sat and waited until the end. I asked him why he hadn't let Ds out with his friend as he usually did and he said that someone had complained that I don't queue like everyone else.

I explained my problem and he was very much of the view that as he hadnt known then there was nothing he could do about it, and that I didn't look like I had any issues. I said he could have quietly spoken to me instead of making a point in front of everyone. He said that it was his responsibility to ensure that the queuing system was used etc.

I have to take a letter from the doctor to enable me to sit on a bench for 5 minutes. And put up with dirty looks and comments from the other parents unless I explain myself to them. It's not like I turn up last and expect to have my child sent out first - I walk into the playground with the other mum, she goes to queue and I sit down. He comes out at the same time as he would if I had been standing right next to her.

I'm not looking forward to the playground this afternoon.

I can't even imagine seeing a parent sat down instead of queueing and caring enough to complain. Are peoples lives really that empty?

I agree with Fizrim, I'd just keep doing what you're doing (depending on your DCs age maybe explain why they'll be last so they don't start to worry?)
Stuff the doctors note and stuff having the share your personal details with people you don't want to.

There's one other parent in particular that makes life difficult with her comments about queue jumpers and piss takers so I'm pretty sure it's her that's complained.

Is there any way you or a friend could let her know that some people have hidden disabilities?

he was very much of the view that as he hadnt known then there was nothing he could do about it, and that I didn't look like I had any issues

The teacher needs a gentle reminder that not all disabilities are visible. I would phone the head, explain that due to a medical condition which you do not need to disclose to the teaching staff, you WILL be remaining on the bench and your friend WILL continue to collect your son in the queuing system. I would also state that if they have any issue with this it should not be dealt with in the queue in front of other parents.

I'd be telling them to stick their Dr's note where the sun don't shine (in a friendly, non confrontational manner )

I did use the phrase 'not all disabilities are visable' when talking to him yesterday. If I hadn't have been put on the spot I would have mentioned reasonable adjustments too, but my cheeks were burning and it was raining so I just sort of scurried off. I think.i will definitely make an appointment with the head. The mornings are fine, both nursery and reception go in together and I've known the nursery parents since Pre School, it's never been an issue with them, they just make room on the bench without having to say anything. They all pick up at lunch time though unfortunately.

I've got no mid setting unfortunately, which is why I've been ignoring the rude parent. It's either ignore, or go in all guns blazing and demand to know what her problem is.

I've never had to deal with playground politics before. It's an eye opener.

This is terrible. What a nasty teacher. Sounds very sadistic. If he is like this with a parent what is he like with the children? You need to talk to the head.

I would go for the all guns blazing option myself. Or if it is your style tell her exactly why you sit on the bench. In graphic terms.

Doctors note ffs. Are you a primary school child? When you go to the head, the term 'reasonable adjustments' might get her to sit up and listen

Fwiw my GP surgery has signs up saying that they no longer issue doctors notes for schools.

Write a letter to the head teacher and governors stating you are not paying for a doctor's note ( doctors will charge for this) and if they don't want a big fuss made over this simple arrangement you will go to the newspaper as it is not acceptable to treat you thus way.

Go to the top, complain and that will hopefully put a stop to all the fucking nonsense..

Can you not note in your child's contact book that you authorise the other mum to pick up your son every day after school, so even if you'r on the playground she would have official authorisation to pick him up. So as far as the teacher is concerned - he gave the child away toman authorised adult.
And you don't have to queue.

Sorry to hear about your prolapse. I know exactly how terrible and terrifying it is. You don't owe anyone explanations or should be pushed to share something you don't want to.
Good luck with the operation!

Wow, this is disgusting, what is wrong with people? Even the ones on this thread saying yes but the other parents don't know your reason blah blah, they have no right to! Even if you were just being lazy it's still no one else's business.
Do not get a doctors note, your current routine affects absolutely noone else, why are people so bloody interfering? I would go to the head, the teacher has handled this badly and since when does one parents view trump you?

I explained my problem and he was very much of the view that as he hadnt known then there was nothing he could do about it, and that I didn't look like I had any issues

FFS are you supposed to show him your severe prolapse or something? How dare he require medical evidence before he believes you?

Definitely talk to the head. According to the disabilities discrimination act they are legally obliged to make reasonable adjustments to accommodate your disability. Allowing you to wait on the bench and letting your son out with his friend should count as a reasonable adjustment. If anyone asks, you have a medical condition that, on bad days, makes you unable to stand for long enough to queue. That is all the explanation that is required.

Dear,
As I am sure you are aware I was incredibly embarrassed by dcs teacher on (day). I found the behaviour inappropriate for the setting as well as distressing. The assumption that I am lazy because my disability is not a visible one is rude and discriminatory. The request for proof of my disability equally so and will not be forthcoming unless the school are willing to pay for it. As for complaints from other parents, I'm sorry, but I do not need to justify my disability and the manner in which it affects me to anyone in the playground.
Please ensure my child is ready for the friend that queues for both of our children in the future.
Thank you.

And the complaining parent can do one!

Oh, I want to kick whoever's complained!

Some people - that parent and the teacher for example - probably don't have an idea about a prolapse, that it exists and how many women are affected by it. So be dismissive towards them.
Deal with the school and treat remarks like immature rather than malicious.

The other parents don't know your issues so they would just assume you can't be bothered to queue like everyone else. It's not up to the teacher to sort this out.

Except this teacher decided it was up to him, didn't he? That being the case, he should have asked OP quietly what was going on rather than choosing to humiliate her and distress her child. It's none of the other parents' business why she isn't queuing.

The whole queuing up business sounds ridiculous anyway.
In every school in the land, parents stand outside door, children queue up inside, come out one at a time and released to parent who steps forward. Takes less than 5 minutes.

If I were you, I'd just get to school at the last moment and tell your DS to go to the back of the line each day.

I agree what a terrible queuing system. Ten minutes queuing to pick up your kid? Who's got time for that rubbish?

See the head and complain about the teacher wanting a doctor's note and complain about this system while you're at it.

The teacher is being a totally ignorant officious twat. Does he seriously think he has the right to demand you queue unless you give him a doctors note? He seems to be muddling you up with the small children that he teaches. The parent who complained is also being an childish ignorant idiot too.
The whole queuing system sound weird anyway. Is there a good reason for it?
I would certainly ask to see the headteacher about this. It is outrageous.

I would go and complain to the HT tbh.

First of all, the teacher should know that not all disabilities are visible.
Second, not knowing whether there was a reason or nnot for you to sir down like this, he had no reason at all to make a call like this and shame yoy. Especoially because he has in effect made the point that you have NO reason not to stand in the queue, as if he knew what was going on.

As for taking a letter from the doctor ... is he saying that he doesn't trust yuo tio tell the truth about your own health to do what exactly... having the privilege to sit down for 5 mins??
Plus I'm sure your doctor has other things to do than writing a letter to the school explaining you are allowed to sirt down on the bench whilst waiting for your ds

Wrong on all sides.

I had a few years where I couldn't stand and never had to explain myself. The teacher variously walked dd round (when I couldn't walk) or I did similar to you. Never had to explain my medical history.

As for the can't bothered to queue...

If I was seeing someone always sitting down and I assume not walking as eaily at least some days, I would assume that they are struggling. Why assuming that they want to jump the queue when clearly they aren't jumping as such?

For the future I find the phrase 'I'll discuss my medical history with you when you show me your medical degree' works well.

Puts it back on them to clarify exactly why they think they should know.

In this case, straight to the Head, you had already made a reasonable adjustments, the fact that the teacher changed this without speaking to you first is . . .well pathetic.

Really not very professional of him, and the Dr's note was so far over the line it's not funny.

I'm actually really angry on your behalf, and fucking sick of people who have no right to demanding Dr's notes. Not aimed at you, but don't they know this is a waste of a Drs time...........

Fucking ridiculous.

I feel for you OP, I also have a hidden disability that makes it very difficult to stand and our school, in their wisdom, decided to remove all the benches from the infants playground. Can't wait until next year when dd will be in the Juniors, where there are multiple benches available.

I would take it to whoever the next rung up from the teacher is - in our school that's head of key stage, not head of school. Keep it as calm as possible and come at it from and 'educating' point of view, rather than an all guns blazing complaint. I like Dawndonna's letter/email suggestion, but personally would tone it down a little by removing the sentence containing 'rude and discriminatory' and add a brief explanation of what actually happened, as I doubt the teacher has told them, given you didn't kick off at the time. I do think it's fine to include something stating that you felt the need to bring the matter to their attention, as you would hate other parents to be put on the spot and embarrassed in the same way and you are sure the school wouldn't want that either. State that you will not be getting a doctor's note and tell them what you want to happen at pick-up from now on.

As for other parents, I know it's hard, but honestly just ignore them, they aren't worth wasting your energy on. Unfortunately, there will always be ignorant people and you have two choices, either confront and attempt to educate them - if you feel up to it or decide that their opinion counts for naught, they do not matter and completely ignore them. This gets easier with practise and I speak as someone who has multiple years of putting this into practise due to having a child with SEN before my disability became so, well, disabling, iyswim.