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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unsure of whether or not to lend DP this money?

38 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 03/03/2016 21:29

Dp and I are normally fine financially in that we earned a similar amount and spilt everything equally money-wise.

However, Dp has recently started a new job and isn't going to get paid until the middle of next month. He is also in the process of trying to set up a business and is building up a supply of tools etc that he needs for it.

He didn't realise that the pay date was going to be so far away (as he was expecting to get at least a part payment this month) and consequently after paying for some supplies and so on means he is very short on money this month and has asked to borrow £500 to cover bills and stuff until he gets paid.

At this point I have already lent him about £2500 to help out with the costs of setting up his business, which I am happy to do, but if I lend another £500 that brings the total to £3000 which seems like such a lot of money out of my savings and I would really struggle to regain this money if for some reason Dp didn't pay me back.

I do trust him to pay me back and he is normally very good with money, the job he's starting is much better paid that his last job so he will have spare money to pay me back although it might take a few months.

Aibu to be unsure? I have no real reason not to, I don't need the money myself at the moment as its from my savings and I see it as an investment in out future but its such a lot of money to me!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/03/2016 21:44

How will he manage if you don't lend him the money and what plan has he in place to repay you?

MaidOfStars · 03/03/2016 21:49

Do you live together? Do you joint own stuff? How long together? Any reason to distrust him generally? Feel like the business will fail?

Would the entire £3k come from his salary or is the business £2500 to be paid back once the business gets going?

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 03/03/2016 21:49

If I don't lend it to him he will have to go into his overdraft which will mean having to pay bank charges which doesn't make much sense to me.

He has already said that he will start paying me back as soon as he gets paid, not sure exactly how much he will get/pay as it depends on whether or not he does any overtime over the next month or so.

OP posts:
merlinalison · 03/03/2016 21:51

I would, but tbh it's usually the other way round, I've miscalculated, and my dh is the one bailing me out...

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 03/03/2016 21:52

Sorry Maid, yes we do live together although we rent not own. Been together 3 years this year so quite a while, engaged so serious relationship etc.

I don't think the business will fail but it just might take a while to get going, especially as Dp will be having to fit it in around his FT job. The business is sort of a hobby of Dp's so he will keep it for fun even if he doesn't make any money doing it, he's going to pay me back out of his wages.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 03/03/2016 21:57

How long have you been going out for?

At the end of the day only you can make the decision, but it is a huge amount to get back in dribs and drabs.

Toomuch2young · 03/03/2016 21:57

I would, and once we were married we shared everything anyway.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 03/03/2016 22:03

Overdrafts are there for this exact situation Confused and if he can pay it back then he'll get one monthly charge and interest. However, he'd probably pay more than you will earn in interest.

If you're not comfortable lending then don't. Just tell him you can't. He has the means I'm not even sure why he's asked you as you don't share money!

MaidOfStars · 03/03/2016 22:03

How long will it take him to pay you back? 6 months? A year? Five years?

In your situation, I would lend it, as long as there was a reasonable agreement to replenish my savings in a timely fashion (I'd think of it like that, rather than a debt owed - it feels nicer).

MaidOfStars · 03/03/2016 22:04

Sorry, just seen you say it will be a matter of months for repayment.

HeddaGarbled · 03/03/2016 22:17

I would lend it this time but make it clear that this is the last of your savings that you are willing to tap until he has repaid you. He was caught out by the pay dates and it sounds like you are a solid couple.

The business doesn't sound particularly promising and I think your £2500 for equipment for that was more of an unreasonable request than £500 to tide him over until pay day because of unforeseen circumstances. But it's done now. Just don't let the repayments slip. Insist on something every month until you have it all back. If he needs more capital for the business he can get a loan like proper business owners do. If the banks won't lend it's because it's too great a risk which tells you everything you need to know.

Once you are married it's all jointly owned anyway though I would strongly recommend keeping a fuck off fund in your own name at all times just in case you need it.

kirinm · 03/03/2016 22:25

Why doesn't the business sound promising? The op hasn't said anything about it. It's a good plan to work whilst setting up a new business imo.

Me and my DP have been together the same amount of time and we literally split everything. We would have discussed one of us changing jobs and the impact that might have on bills etc beforehand. But if for some reason we hadn't, I would always lend him the money. I know that he would do the same for me and ultimately it's just one of OUR bills that must be paid.

TattyCat · 03/03/2016 22:27

I supported DP both financially and emotionally when he resigned without another job to go to (and I totally understand why he did). We're also engaged and so I saw it as 'our' money and I would have hated to see him miserably carrying on when I was sitting on enough money to support both of us for months if necessary.

I didn't need to - he got another job immediately and at double his previous salary and I was then able to leave my own job to start a business. He has, in turn, supported me ten fold when I needed it. We are there to support each other and to me, that's the way it should be.

MistressDeeCee · 04/03/2016 02:51

Dp and I are normally fine financially in that we earned a similar amount and spilt everything equally money-wise

This isn't the case really, is it? He's relied on your funds in order to start his business. A business that he will do "for fun". & the wages that he earns so that you can "spilt everything equally money-wise" will be heavily depleted by him paying you back, won't they? & after all, bills still have to be covered. So its going to be a case of he pays you back in dribs and drabs which will take ages, or he will just end up borrowing from you again because his money will run out before payday?

Did he go ahead and start his business because he knew your money was available for him to do so

Would he have been able to start his "fun" business without your funds? Would he have even considered venturing into, and maintaining a business without your funds to back it up, or without your funds being available as a safety net further down the line "just in case?"

Actually, he doesn't sound as if he has financial sense to me He's had £2500 from you already to start his business, and already needs a further £500. I do understand about the "extended paydate" thing but still, why doesn't he have the means to tide himself over for just that period?? You live together - so he's not a man that has to meet a full monthly rent + bills on his own. & if you're wary about lending him more money then something about the situation is troubling you - and there's a reason for that.

I think he will ask for more money in future. Paying you back, paying half the rent and half the bills plus having to live through the month, doesn't balance out moneywise. Id let him go for the overdraft, why not? If you don't want to splash out £500 just now then he has to. He'll just have to repay the bank, yes he will pay a little interest but he is working so should be able to deal with that, surely. On £500 the interest won't be huge

I know there's a view financially re couples where people see it as well, you share everything your money is his money, and vice versa. But it doesn't mean that a partner for various reasons may financially abuse you, or have a dependence on your money - not shared money - in order to facilitate something he wants/get things done

YANBU to be wary re. lending him more money.This is a man that keeps dipping into your savings. Thats really not a good thing

FedoraTheExplora · 04/03/2016 03:03

My DP put 16 grand into a protein shake business

FedoraTheExplora · 04/03/2016 03:04

Didnt mean to post. Haven't seen a penny back. It wasn't my money but be very careful!!

Oysterbabe · 04/03/2016 03:09

I think I would as you are getting married and assets will be joint then anyway.

HermioneJeanGranger · 04/03/2016 04:59

But they're not married yet, so it's not joint money or a joint business. I would let him go into his overdraft or use a credit card, OP. You've been generous enough already.

kirinm · 04/03/2016 07:37

But they live together and are building their life together. Is this how you all live? With zero trust and only spending your own money?

Wow. Maybe don't get married OP.

CantChoose · 04/03/2016 07:48

Tricky. We have joint finances but before we did I would have happily loaned DP money if he needed it.
However, I share PP concern that a single delayed pay check has left him that short.
If you earn the same and split costs equally how have you ended up with more than 3k savings while he is £500 short? Does he spend the rest of his money irresponsibly? Or he he spent a similar amount of his own savings on his business too? If so, 5K+ on a hobby when he clearly isn't flush seems bonkers!!

IlikePercyPig · 04/03/2016 07:52

I would, if you don't trust him then why be with him?

kirinm · 04/03/2016 08:56

Can't choose - I'd be fucked of i missed a work payment but my DP would be fine. I pay nearly £500 of student loans per month so only manage to save half of what my DP does. Op's DP is 'short' by £500 which implies he has some just not all.

It's threads like this that really make me appreciate my relationship.

kirinm · 04/03/2016 08:57

That should read 'I'd be fucked if I missed a work payment' - financially I mean.

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 04/03/2016 10:26

I have made it clear to him that I don't want to lend anymore of my savings (after this) as I don't want to deplete them too much. He is fine with this as tbh, after this he shouldn't need to borrow anymore as he will have enough money coming in of his own.

I have also pointed out that while I'm happy to share most things with him, this money is the only thing that is 'mine' not 'ours' because as a PP pointed out I don't want him to get the impression that this is a joint savings pot he can dip in and out of whenever he chooses. The account is in my name only and he does not have access to it.

I do trust him but living with a financially amongst other things abusive ex has made me open my eyes and realise I need to protect myself. Dp is nothing like that but you never know when I might need those savings!

The only reason I have savings and he doesn't is that he has spent a lot more of his disposible income on stuff for his hobby/business, whereas I have saved most of mine. Our outgoings are very low so when he does get his wages through he will have more than enough to pay me back a significant chunk of the money each month and still be able to pay all his bills, we have estimated that he should have £500 a month or so to give me. He has considered selling some of his 'stuff' to try and make up the money he needs but I think I would feel bad if I saw him sell things to make money when I had what he needs sitting in the bank.

He is normally very good with money, I think the reason he has found himself short this month, as well as the payday situation is that he lost his previous job very suddenly (I started a thread about it, Dp and I worked in the same place) and as such the pay that he had from that job was only a few days worth of money and not enough to tide him over to his next payday.

He actually had 2 jobs but the other job he had (the one he didn't lose suddenly) was only part time and paid weekly, he had to give that one up in order to take on the new job as the new one is full time hours so he wouldn't have time to do both. As such his last lot of earnings from the previous job was only a week's worth so not enough to last.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 04/03/2016 10:35

I'd loan him the money on condition he set up a standing order to pay you back a decent chunk every payday and gives you a written confirmation of how much he owes and the repayment schedule.

If you've calculated he would have £500 spare to pay you back every month, then he should set up a SO for that amount.