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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel cross with my parents for never visiting because they have pets ?

48 replies

Italianmoma1983 · 03/03/2016 07:18

They always say they can't possibly come because they have no one to leave the pets with. They would never entertain the idea to leave them in a kennel. I'm depressed and I love them to come just to be a companie for me (Dh is away a lot at week end). My mum has agreed to come but not before May and only if she can get tickets. When I'm old I would never put my pets before my children/grand-children if they are in hour of needs.

OP posts:

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 03/03/2016 07:24

They have their own life, maybe they want to enjoy their child free years.

If you are struggling then your DH should be stepping up at weekends, it's not down to your parents to pick up the slack.

Original poster

Italianmoma1983 · 03/03/2016 07:26

Just one visit...I haven't seen them since August ! I'm not asking for much !

OP posts:

xenapants · 03/03/2016 07:30

Is there some special reason why you can't visit them?

Zampa · 03/03/2016 07:32

I entirely sympathise! My Dad comes to visit but his wife always finds an excuse. Current one is sick cat ...

Can you go and visit them? Let them bring their pets?

Original poster

Italianmoma1983 · 03/03/2016 07:33

I go twice a year, I have organised holidays this year to go all together this summer. I can't take too much time off so I can't go and visit them that often.

OP posts:

KacieB · 03/03/2016 07:33

No - I can understand this.

I live near mine but have parents who won't go out to dinner or out for trips anywhere without the dog. It limits options hugely, not least because I have a phobia of dogs.

The thing I've grown to realise is that, to them, that dog is now their "baby". They've spent many years of their lives shaped around childcare and having something to look after between them, and can't live without that intermediary. They dress it up, put endless photos on social media, bring it up in every conversation, say they couldn't live without it and so on because that's what they need.

To me (and you I suspect) they're "pets" - of course they shouldn't be mistreated or hurt or anything; but essentially animals who are not equal to people. To many owners they're "children" who can't be abandoned even for a weekend as you say, and that can feel hurtful to be on the receiving end of.

So I get it. and hope you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel soon. Depression is horrible.

Original poster

Italianmoma1983 · 03/03/2016 07:33

They are in Italy and I'm based in England

OP posts:

Muskateersmummy · 03/03/2016 07:34

What sort of pets are we talking about? And how many? It does seem a little odd. Can they not travel separately ? DM visit you and DF stay at home with the pets?

Original poster

Italianmoma1983 · 03/03/2016 07:35

Kacie - yep it's the same for me....they even call (half-jokingly) the dogs your brother and sister 😬

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 03/03/2016 07:36

It's not easy to just put a dog in kennels. Some dogs would not do well in a kennel environment.

I'm currently trying to find a home boarder to look after my dog in the summer and it's not been easy. He's on a trial stay right now and if it doesn't work out, it's back to square 1!

Duckdeamon · 03/03/2016 07:37

Yanbu to be annoyed: their priorities are clear!

liz70 · 03/03/2016 07:37

I only see my parents about twice a year, usually us travelling down (over two hundred miles) to see them. Both are in their 70s, and my DF is not in the best of health. There are phone calls, Skype etc. for the rest of the time. You really can't rely on your parents to "look after" you when you're an adult, I'm afraid.

What can't your parents bring their pets to stay with you if need be? They travel free on trains. We (DH) drive to my parents, but our dog always comes with us.

waceystills · 03/03/2016 07:38

My ex-in laws where like this. They left our wedding before the pudding course was cleared away!

They had to get back for their dogs. But the dogs were their life and meant the world to them so we never complained.

maybebabybee · 03/03/2016 07:38

Sorry but not all dogs can go in kennels. I would have said is there any reason dogs can't come with them to visit but just read they're abroad which obviously makes it a lot more complicated!

liz70 · 03/03/2016 07:39

Sorry, posted before your more recent post.

Original poster

Italianmoma1983 · 03/03/2016 07:45

I don't want them to look after me, it's having their presence will be nice !

OP posts:

exLtEveDallas · 03/03/2016 07:45

But what did you expect to happen when you moved to the UK?

When we moved to Cyprus we accepted that we could only see our parents once a year, and then only if we paid for the flights. We sucked it up because we were the ones who moved. As it happens we organised ourselves so that they came to us for a month, and we went to see them for 2 weeks.

Sorry, but if you want to see them more then you will have to travel home more.

OliviaBenson · 03/03/2016 07:49

Why isn't your DH around much at the weekends? Given the distance between you I can understand their point of view.

TheEternalForever · 03/03/2016 17:35

I can understand why they can't come and visit. Plane tickets are expensive anyway, and so is finding a sitter for pets especially if they have more than one. And they love their pets. Pets are members of the family (to me anyway, and I'm sure to your parents too), not something to be shoved into any old place so their owners can go swanning off on holiday. Pet owners accept that they can't even go for weekends away, let alone proper holidays and visits without first spending ages finding appropriate and affordable pet care, and they run on whether their pet sitter is free, not their own schedule. Not every dog can go to a kennel. We take our dogs to a lovely lady who minds them in her home because they'd never do well in a kennel. Our old dog went into a kennel the first time my parents went on holiday after we'd had her (she was probably about 1) and when we came back she was a wreck!! She shook every time a car door slammed and hid under the table if a dog barked on TV. She never went to a kennel again, and neither have the dogs we have now! My parents made other arrangements. Maybe your parents can't. Whether you like it or not they have a responsibility to their pets, and they seem to take it seriously. It's not their fault that they can't visit. Can't you Skype regularly instead, so you can still see them but no one is being put out or feeling cross/guilty?

tenbluebottles · 03/03/2016 17:43

We're in a similar situation. My elderly DPs have a dog that they won't put in kennels.
He gives them so much pleasure that I accept that they won't come and stay so I need to go there (300 miles).
Sorry, but you just have to lump it.

SisterMoonshine · 03/03/2016 17:56

From Italy, I would hope for a once a year visit from my parents.
Not really more than that.

ironingbrew · 03/03/2016 19:47

"Sorry, but you just have to lump it" and "You really can't rely on your parents to "look after" you when you're an adult, I'm afraid".
What horrible things to say to someone who is suffering from depression, some really callous responses here.
Can't believe that any parent could put their animals before their daughter's well-being. Lots of involved complicated replies here about how important pets are and that its not the OPs parents fault that they can't visit. It is their fault, they chose to have animals and are putting them before their grown up daughter who is suffering from depression.
Fair enough if the OPs parents can't travel due to ill health but it sounds as if the pets are an excuse.
I hope I'll always be available for my grown-up children, can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to be there for their child when they need help.
OP, I deeply sympathise with you, hope you start to feel better soon.
Dogs are not as important as people.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 03/03/2016 19:52

My in laws haven't been for fives years because of animals and they're 90 mins away!

Doesn't bother me but Id be bothered if my own parents were like this. Have you told your mum how you feel?

Jenijena · 03/03/2016 19:54

My parents aren't even half joking when they call their dog my sister. Way to confuse DS, 3, who is about to become a big brother...

EponasWildDaughter · 03/03/2016 20:02

My parents were a bit like this with the dog they had after i left home.

The dog they had while i was growing up was looked after perfectly well (My mum never worked, so at home a lot) but was treated ... well, like an animal. Lots of affection for it, daily walks, but it slept in basket in the kitchen, not allowed on the sofa, or upstairs, ect. Food in dog bowl always in lobby or the kitchen. Died at 11 or 12 yrs old. Lovely dog.

But the dog they had after i left home was treated like a child. Sleeping upstairs on the beds. Allowed on furniture, growling at visitors was tolerated with amusement, fed under the table, ect. Horrible snappy dog!

They were always mithering on about not leaving the bloomin dog too late - even if only out to dinner for a couple of hours. Wrapping up bits of meat in napkins for it. Arrggh.

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