To feel cross with my parents for never visiting because they have pets ?

[Italianmoma1983]

They always say they can't possibly come because they have no one to leave the pets with. They would never entertain the idea to leave them in a kennel. I'm depressed and I love them to come just to be a companie for me (Dh is away a lot at week end). My mum has agreed to come but not before May and only if she can get tickets. When I'm old I would never put my pets before my children/grand-children if they are in hour of needs.

My parents are like this, and it also impacts our visits because they are loopy about DS and the dogs. He's actually very good with animals (we have 2 dogs ourselves) but the level of hysteria and coddling the fucking dog when it growls at him because it's picking up on their anxiety does my bloody head in. We've been up there to stay overnight twice. They've been down here 3 times. It's easier for me to go on my own or for DM to come here in her own. I used to feel guilty that they were missing out on seeing their first grandchild grow up, but it turns out that they're not that bothered as far as I can see. Sad.

Totally agree with ironingbrew. Dogs are not the same as people. I know a few people who are majorly into their dogs and have even had a few funny comments when they ask me about my DS (3.5) and 'compare' my news / updates to their dogs: 'I know what you mean, my Sooty is exactly the same' or 'yes it's difficult isn't it, I have this issue with my Ginger' I then have to nod and agree in fake solidarity. It's a dog! It's not the same! I understand these people see their pets as their children but I just find it very odd

I thought it was just me who had this problem. Me and my DH had to move from the north to the south when I was pregnant for his work and my father in law has never visited us because of his dog so has never met his almost two year old grandson. Deep down I think it's quite sad as he managed to find someone to watch the dog while he went into hospital for an operation but can't or won't so he can come and see his only son and grandson. We're trying to scrap the money together to go visit him this year and if I'm honest I resent it a bit as it's it's money we can ill afford but I can't see any way around it.

Can you go to visit your parents ?

I sympathise OP.

My PIL were like this. They lived a long way away, it was difficult for us to go to see them because of work etc but they were retired so could have come any time they liked but for their reluctance to leave their dog. One of them has now died and as a result our DCs hardly can remember one of their grandparents. It seems mad to me.

Stoptrying, you have expressed much more eloquently than I ever could exactly what irritates me about certain pet owners. The pets as substitute children industry has got ridiculously out of hand. I actually like animals, but can't abide it when owners talk about their "boys" and "girls". I've even heard a colleague talking about having teenager trouble with her daughter, the daughter in question being four legged.
Italianmoma - have you spoken to your husband about how you feel - is he not around at the weekend because he's working? Sounds that you are seriously lacking in support, is it worth talking to your health visitor, if you have small children. I know it's not a very imaginative suggestion, but I get the feeling that you could do with some local day to day assistance and the health visitor might be able to come up with some ideas.
All the best, hope things work out for you.

It is their fault, they chose to have animals and are putting them before their grown up daughter who is suffering from depression.

Damn them for getting a life once their children have grown up and flown the nest! Bastards!

Pets are like children insofar as you can't just drop everything and leave them. You need to find care for them and that is not necessarily easy and is often impossible at short notice. I've had to book pet care for the summer now or I wouldn't have not been able to find any.

I think the OP needs to look at solutions beyond her parents coming over to give her company. That real problem is not her parents and their pets.

It must be so bloody annoying for you OP... are their pets going to give them the emotional/practical support in the way a human (you) could, if and when they need it back?!.

It seems that they do fall in to the category of "my pet is my baby" and it suits them. It's just not great for you that you and your family are missing out on them being a more involved part of their lives for it.
Skype is one way to keep in touch a bit more often, but it's not the same as being together in one place making memories is it, so I feel for you there.

Why is your DH away so frequently at weekends?

I don't think its their fault, you moved away. What did you expect them to do just sit by the phone forever and wait for you?
Why can't you visit them?

I think you have a bigger issue than them, maybe that your DP is never home and you don't have anything to fill your time. As an adult you need to get out and sort that out yourself instead of blaming others.

I can't leave my pets either, firstly as one would eat the kennel assistant and secondly the cost is very high and I couldn't afford it!

Torn on this one. When I was born, my parents already had a three year old german shepherd which had come from a rescue home. Now, I loved that dog, and that dog regarded me as its baby and was incredibly protective of me and was soft as heck around me. Anyone came near me, it would growl.

However, because my parents refused to ever put the dog into kennels, we never had a holiday until I was 14, the year after our dog died (lived to a very ripe old age).

When I was young (up until the age of about 9) it never bothered me that all my friends went on holidays. We weren't well off as a family and wouldn't have gone somewhere abroad but once I got to 9 or 10 I did feel I was missing out somehow. And once I was at secondary school, and every other kid went on holiday, I started to feel that the dog - much as I loved him - was more important to my parents than I was.

Sadly, other things have happened since to suggest I wasn't wrong.

I don't see the OP asking for practical help, just interest, love and support in her life.

I would always travel to see my children wherever they are in the world. If you don't, it says something very significant about their priority in your life.

It's irrelevant if it is for pets/don't like traveling/miss yoga class. Finances and disability are different types of reason.

Coming to see a child (as you are always their child, even if you are an adult!) is just a normal part of everyday life, everyone I know who has children abroad goes to see them if they can, sometimes for weeks, certainly as much as possible.

It's not 'their life' or 'your life', it's 'family life'. I would be gutted beyond belief if I moved abroad (which is quite a typical thing to do, especially if you marry someone from another country) and my parents simply couldn't be arsed to get on the plane/sort out a pet sitter/be minorly inconvenienced to see me, their child. Just as I would expect them to be gutted if I didn't make the effort to see them.

I get you op.

Our in laws moved two and half hours away. They expect us to visit more often than we do. We can't stay over, as they don't want any of their spare bedrooms to be used as bedrooms. They are hobby rooms.

So we lack the kids into the car for 5 hour round trip. Every school holidays.

Since they moved a year ago they haven't been once. I don't expect or want help with childcare. They didn't give any when they live half an hour away. Mil was looking after our niece when she was two. The niece got out of the house and onto the main road. So I wouldn't allow her to look after them anyway.

They expect us to make the trip on Christmas Day too. They can't come to us because of their dog. It's ridiculous. But moan they don't see us enough.

From the other side....... I used to be rather agog when people talked about and regarded their pets as children. We then got a cat and I have turned into one of these people My youngest child talks about her youngest "brother", no one wants to go away for longer than a few days because they will miss him etc. I am very laid back with my kids but the cat has brought out what must be deeply rooted inner neuroticism. He vomited recently and my immediate reaction was to phone 999. I can't honestly believe it myself!

OP YANBU to feel put out, but it is something that you will have to accept I'm afraid. I would imagine that if they did put the dogs into a kennel to visit yu they will constantly be going on about them anyway, which would spoil it.

OP would they consider getting the pets passports so they can bring them? I remember seeing this on the news and a young family had taken their dog to Majorca as "he was part of the family, and it wouldn't be a family holiday without him". It only cost them another £2k.

I think that as they live in another country, visiting a couple of times a year is about what you can expect. She said she would come in May, which is just eight weeks off. I live abroad and I wouldn't expect more than this from my mother. It sounds a bit like you want them to be there for more than a few days if they are to keep you company? That isn't really possible with pets, as you can't just leave them for longer periods of time. Also, your parents have their own life to lead and commitments on their time - I don't think you can expect them to drop out of their own lives to keep you company.

If I were you, I'd look for support locally for day to day contact. Do you have any friends, dh's family or other support groups?

I think the pets are a red herring (though perhaps worth pointing out that there are people who don't want to leave home, and whose pets are an 'alibi' for them having to stay put, and I've certainly noticed that my own parents, who live in another country too, are definitely more 'set in their ways' now they're in their 70s, and reluctant to travel or alter routines) - the OP needs to find ways of managing her depression, and other sources of company. Even without pets, how often would she expect her parents to visit from Italy, especially if it's a long trek to the airport at their end or hers?

It's not clear from the OP whether the parents have explicitly been told that she feels very low and isolated and have been begged to visit, or not. There's a big difference between ignoring a direct appeal from someone who is desperate and just not being prepared to jump on a plane after every phone call. And her mother is coming.

My parents also live in another country, only have cats which a neighbour can feed, and my personal situation in the UK is difficult and isolated, but they have their own lives, volunteering and responsibilities, and I respect that. They did their parenting a long time ago.

Coming twice a year from another country is quite frequent. My parents are up north and it would be an unusual year that they came more than once. If I said I was desperately needing help, they'd be straight in the car though.

Yanbu, really pisses me off when mil puts her animal before her grandchildren.

I think the pets are a red herring (though perhaps worth pointing out that there are people who don't want to leave home, and whose pets are an 'alibi' for them having to stay put, and I've certainly noticed that my own parents, who live in another country too, are definitely more 'set in their ways' now they're in their 70s, and reluctant to travel or alter routines)

^This! My own DM retired a few years back and 30 minutes drive is now long distance for her. I do all the running to her, which is fair enough at her age I think.

OP I do think you need some long term, sustainable help. They do visit you, but you obviously need more than this. "Hour of need" is rather subjective. I would consider that as something life threatening to be honest.

Pets aside relationship is a 2 way road. If somebody doesn't make an effort because of ( insert the excuses) they shouldn't expect their relatives to bend over backwards to accommodate their demands

Yes, relationships are a two-way road, but you need to factor in that the 'cost' of reciprocal gestures (be they visits or whatever) isn't the same for all parties, depending on their circumstances.

As I said above, my parents are in their mid-70s, and even though they're retired, and in reasonable health, it's a very big deal for them to up sticks and come to visit me from our home country, though its only a shorthaul flight. Age has certainly made them more nervous/cautious travellers - they dread having to make an online flight booking, get twitchy if they haven't booked months in advance, get to the airport hours early for fear of missing the flight, and are petrified of unfamiliar airports/public transport connections - and the older they get the more they seem to need routine and deal less well with the unforeseen. Also, endless medication for longterm conditions etc etc. They would of course come if desperately needed in an emergency, but it's not a trifle to them.

Even though I have a fulltime job and a toddler, and am a non-driver who lives rurally, it's actually easier in many ways for me to book a flight to see them!

OP have you considered that maybe they can't afford to come? Plane tickets are expensive, but they will also have to find care for their animals. It's not cheap!! How long do you want them to come for also? Every day they're here would be another day of paying for pet care. Maybe they just can't afford it all! I completely agree with SoupDragon and Greyhorses, you need to find a support system close to home instead of expecting your parents to drop everything and run to another country every time you need them. Depression is horrible and yes I'm sure it would be lovely for you to have your parents here. But (and I may be wrong here) it doesn't seem like they don't want to come - they just can't! You need to talk to your partner about this, and try and find some other support system close to home. And talk to your parents by phone or Skype (free) instead. It's not as good as a proper visit but maybe it's the best they can do.

(Also for all the people saying pets aren't children, they are in that you have to do something with them when you want to go on holiday! You can't take pets on planes - or rather, you can but it's a long and complicated process and depending on how long the parent's are coming for, the dogs might still be in quarantine when they go back. You can't just leave them and hope they won't starve to death. And it's not like asking a neighbour to feed an outdoors cat a couple of times a day. Dogs are hard work, there aren't a lot of friends/neighbours who'll just look after them for you. This isn't a case of "oh I don't love my child, I don't want to be there when she's in trouble", it seems to me like a "well I would like to be there but I have a life and responsibilities and I can't just drop everything at a moments notice and run off to another country". That doesn't seem unreasonable to me)