To not move DS out of guestroom even though it means PILs will have to sleep on sofa-bed?

[Chiup]

They are coming from overseas to stay for a month (possibly longer). DSil may come too. We have a 2-bed house. It feels cramped already.

DS is 8months. We've just moved his cot into guestroom to assist with sleep-training. DH feels we should move him back into our bedroom for duration of visit but I don't want to. It's his room now. He sleeps better in own room, as he used to wake every time we got up to use ensuite or snored! It's also nice to have all his toys in one place and I've turned the double bed into a play area.

We can offer PILs our double sofa-bed in lounge or they could get a hotel/holiday apartment nearby. I'd prefer the latter but it's obviously expensive and inhospitable. Sil could sleep on floor or have sofa-bed if PILs get a hotel. They are lovely people but I find it stressful having guests. I also don't want to give up our bedroom to them as I need to be on same floor as DS for night feed and settling him.

AIBU?

[MissBattleaxe]

Your house is just too small for three adult guests for a month. End ofc story. Your DH needs to understand. You can still welcome them and treat them respectfully, but let them stay nearby. I need personal space every day or I can't function, and I know I'm not alone in feeling that way.

[CottonSock]

If I was you I'd be getting some quotes for alternative accommodation nearby and discussing with dh.

[MissBattleaxe]

You could just tell them there's no bedroom for them but you have found a Travelodge for them to sleep in and then can spend all day with you and eat with you. tell them they wouldn't sleep properly anyway at yours as the baby is awake all night.

If the cost is too much for them for a month, they could decide to stay a shorter time. Surely any reasonable guest would understand?

[2rebecca]

Their culture may be you stay and all squash up together but they are coming to stay with you in your culture. I think SIL should definitely be left at home and it should be made clear there is no room for her and she visits at a different time or they book somewhere together. 4 weeks seems excessive to me. Maybe tell them when you move to a bigger house they can stay but at the moment there just isn't room and they come for a shorter time and stay elsewhere. If your parents get a hotel when they stay your husband could maybe explain that to them so they realise they aren't being treated differently.

[LoveBoursin]

Tbh, it's all weel and good to ask on here what we think. Most people are British and are likely to be as uncomfortable as you to have guests in a crowded place for a month. So of course, they will agree with you that really it's an accepptable arrangement.

However, your DH and his family aren't british so their expectations will be different.

I think that, at that game, there is some give and take to do and all parties have to make an effort.
It is NORMAL for your DH to think that having everyone there will be easy and fine and that's what you do anyway because that's how he grew up.
It's NORMAL for you to feel uncomfortable, in a very British way.

My experience as a member of a bicultural family is that you will have to accept some of their ways and they will have to accept some of yours.
And most importantly, you will have to arrive to a compromise between you and your DH, one that you are both happy with and that you will present to his family, in a united front.

[LoveBoursin]

Btw, I would hate to have to spend a month at a TavelLodge. Hotels are all nice and good when you are away for a week. For a month, I would just refuse to do it.
Just saying...

[miaowmix]

Yabu, and very disrespectful to your inlaws. The issue is that you don't actually want them to stay at all, seeing as you're not willing to compromise any part of your precious routine, so I think you should be honest and tell them. None of this passive aggressive shit.
It would be perfectly straightforward for you to move into the guestroom with your baby, or clear it so that your guests can use it.
I would, and have, give up my bedroom in a heartbeat to accommodate guests, as well as move my child into our room if needs be.
But I am very hospitable and do actually like other people, even family!

[MitzyLeFrouf]

Well aren't you just faberooney GreyGardens.

[MitzyLeFrouf]

'None of this passive aggressive shit.'

.
.
.
.


'But I am very hospitable and do actually like other people, even family!'

I'd call ^^ that passive aggressive.

[miaowmix]

Or maybe just old-fashioned, you know, caring about my guests' comfort?
But yes, I am actually quite a nice person, thanks Mitzy.

[Chiup]

Grey, I am willing to compromise. I am willing to have them in my home from breakfast until evening, I'm happy for them to treat it like their own home (use kitchen, washing machine, shower etc) but I need a break at night-time. I want to enjoy the visit too. I want to be able to sleep well, for DS to sleep well, and to be able to use my lounge at 5am when he is up wanting to play. I don't want to have to creep around my own home, restricted to my bedroom for fear of DS disturbing our guests. I don't want piles of clutter everywhere because the lounge and spare room have been turned into guest bedrooms!

During the day I will be taking them on trips, showing them the city etc and they will be spending quality time with their grandson/nephew. I feel there are more ways to show hospitality than cramming everyone into a small house.
Why do you think I'm being unreasonable to want some personal space?

[MissBattleaxe]

I actually think the OP is more likely to have a better relationship with them if they stay nearby. If everyone is under each other's feet for 4 weeks, I predict several big fall outs.

I don't think this is about being inhospitable, it's about sheer practicality.

[CurbsideProphet]

I think your suggestion is entirely reasonable and sensible - 5 adults (plus bany) in a 2 bed house would be so crowded.

This thread shows that people have clear views on family visits:

1. Everyone must stay in the house. To suggest otherwise is deeply offensive, even if there are not enough bedrooms and the house might feel very crowded.
   

1. Family is not offended by staying in a hotel/holiday let. Comfort of all is important. Family recognise that 6 weeks of 3 extra adults in a 2 bed house could be very crowded and stressful.
   

Everyone's relationship with their family is different. I think you're a saint to have ANYONE visit for 6 weeks, especially when you will be doing most of the entertaining!

[LaurieMarlow]

Grey, your medal is in the post . Isn't it lucky that you're so wonderful?

OP, ultimately I think this is about modern UK life, expectations, living conditions being worlds away from the culture that has shaped your in laws expectations. You are the victim of this chasm and I think it's utterly reasonable for you to refuse to be put in this position.

There's nothing personal here. It's about social shifts and practicalities. There simply isn't enough space for everyone to live according to their expectations in 2016. End of.

[AndNowItsSeven]

Uk culture is to put guests op , yabu.

[AndNowItsSeven]

*first

[CurbsideProphet]

AndNow I'm born and bred here and when I am a guest I don't insist I be put first, especially if it means I would inconvenience my family.... Clearly I am from a strange family - we consider each other's feelings and comfort!

[Boredworkingmum020]

Omg I get stressed if my mil comes for more than an afternoon (she's s raving alcoholic and not usually fit to be round DS for more than an hour though). UANBU. I don't think moving your son is an issue - what would you do if you went away on holiday for a couple of weeks to a hotel? what is an issue though is House guests for a month?5 adults and one baby in a two bedroomed house? Far too cramped and likely to lead to tensions with your FIL. Can you rent somewhere nearby for a month and pay or go halves? As they live away this is unlikely to be the last time you face this issue. We always stay in hotels when we visit friends and family tbh it's s lot less stessful having your own space

[LaurieMarlow]

But bored, the sleep routine is in its infancy. If I were in that situation, I wouldn't be planing a holiday either. I'd hold off until baby was a bit more settled.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

I do lots of sleep training as a maternity nurse /night nanny and he will regress if back in a room with you for a month - then you have to start again and will be a month older and will be harder as got used to being in with you

And yes I wouldn't plan a holiday if in the middle of sleep training

Tho what you need to do is retrain baby waking and getting up at 5am. Pat and shush method or cc - whatever you prefer

5am - That's far too early.

Then in laws can sleep on sofa and you can all get up 7am :)

If that's the only fear

Tho to have 4/5 adults and baby in a 2bed house for a month is insane and dh must understand this

Say to inlaws that baby is in his own bedroom now plus you are sleep training him so he will wake and cry and they may prefer to stay at yours for a week on the sofa bed then move to a prem inn /holiday home for the rest of their holiday

[allegretto]

Yanbu and that is why I asked my parents to sleep elsewhere. My daughter only slep through in her own room and I couldn't cope with a month of broken nights.

[miaowmix]

Chiup I think you're right actually, and you are offering way more than most would during the day etc. So honestly you should just spell it out to them, or at least your husband should, I think that's the crux.

Lauriemarlow Slow hand clap for following the bitchy hers. Well done you!

[LoveBoursin]

Chiup what is your DH saying about it though?
How does he fee; to tell his family taht they can't stay in his house for the duratyion of the hols?

Yes it's all good that you don't wnt to do that buty I haven't heard a lot about what your DH is feeling about it. After all it's his family and his house too...

[AndNowItsSeven]

No Curbside as I guest I wouldn't insist I was put first either. That's the point, the host should be the one insisting the guest is put first.

[lem73]

Sorry Op my dh is from the middle east too and while they are supposedly all about being hospitable blah blah, that's when having guests for dinner, not accommodating them for a month. Please don't let cultural differences be thrown in your face to shut you up. If anything, middle eastern women expect a lot of privacy so why should you get less? With such tight accommodation, you will get very little privacy and I think that is disrespectful.
It is absurd for that number of adults to stay in such a small space for a month. I've had my pils and bil for two weeks in a four bedroom house and it was a real strain, even when the dcs were little. You can never get in the bathroom and no matter how much you tidy, the house is always messy. Also middle eastern people have high expectations about hospitality, so you will be expected to cook loads every day. I always have to offer two different main courses, salad and a vegetable side dish. Plus dessert. Every day. Even if mil cooked a middle eastern dish, she expected me to stand with her just like her maid does at home. People who tell you about putting the guest first etc should try doing that for four adults for a couple of weeks.