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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd [21] objects to £50 pw rent

369 replies

mrsfuzzy · 02/03/2016 13:26

title says it all, low-ish income house hold. dh reduced hours [26 per wk], i have medical problems so limited for work, ds on j.s.a, two in college, one in school. ddhi college full time, but works 14 -16 hours at weekends, takes home about £600 pm. self inflicted debt, wastes money on stupid things i.e £20 bet Shock that her mate would throw up after chugging a milk shake, dd lost 'but it was a laugh' Hmm.
now she has told dm that she is 'paying £50 a week to share a box room with her dsis [3 bed house] and it's not fair because she's not at home much ! dm has just me this on the land line dd uses [dropped her phone - broken].
aibu, considering we cannot do with any reduction in income.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 02/03/2016 22:46

And yet OP has another adult DC who is likely to be costing more money to keep and she isnt collecting their full expenses from them. Despite 'needing' it according to you. Why is one person not having to pay what they actually cost if this money is needed?

RudeElf · 02/03/2016 22:48

Why not charge both what they cost rather than some plucked off the internet/aunty's dog's mate suggested percentage that isnt covering one person's expenses and wont cover the other's if their income reduces? That makes no sense at all. If this money is needed

Bogeyface · 02/03/2016 22:51

My son hated paying me £15 a week out of his JSA for full board and lodging for his own room. He is now living in a flat (has a job, which took him 3 years to find, try being young AND disabled when you want a job in the UK), and he has admitted that he didnt realise how good he had it. After his rent and bills there isnt much left!

This is one of those lessons that doesnt really kick in until much later unfortunately.

newname99 · 02/03/2016 23:00

She seems to have a good rate of pay if she can earn 150 pee week for 14-16hours a weekend.Are you sure she gets 600 p/m?

I think if she is trying to get an education she needs support to study and not worry about earning a set amount.

sashh · 03/03/2016 06:54

How much does ds pay? What does he get for that?

DO you get any child benefit/tax credits etc for dd?

If dd stopped working what would you do?

I wass pissed of at paying rent in my first job, not because of paying but because of what I paid and what I got.

I paid a bigger percentage of my wage than my brother (I was earning less) and he got to use family car to go to work without paying petrol, while I had to pay busfare to work. He came home at lunch time and got a cooked meal, I had to buy mine. etc etc.

Have a discussion about what is fair and why.

Janeymoo50 · 03/03/2016 07:04

How much does ds pay out of his (albeit meagre JSA) or have I missed that? My mum always took a third of our income from the day we started work (actually my first weekly wage was £26 and she got 10).

bornwithaplasticspoon · 03/03/2016 08:56

When we were working out how much to ask ds for rent we decided on a percentage as his hours fluctuate. He gives us 20%, which is an average of about £40 a week. For that he gets his own room, sky TV, internet, council tax, utilities, food cooked washing and ironing done - bargain! He's saving to move out and has been looking but in our area he'd pay around £100 a week for a room in a shared house including bills so for now he's staying put.

ivykaty44 · 03/03/2016 08:58

Rude, did you miss the post where I explained why a percentage of my dc wages was charged? It clearly was their choice, that is my dc to pay a percentage.

I have given you clear examples where in society we make and pay by percentage - you choose to ignore this.

In the case of the op if she said all her adult dc had to pay £100 per month regardless of how much money they had this would clearly cause a problem if each dc had different amounts of income. Just the same as if everyone was told to pay £100 per month for NI, as some would not be able to afford that amount and others would clearly have more than enough money to pay.

You choose to have extras, meals out or fine wine they are not life's essentials, whereas medical care isn't a choice and why we pay a percentage.

Incidentally CMS also calculate maintenance on a percentage of earnings, for some resident parents the amount will not be enough to buy the child a pair of shoes, for others it will cover the cost of a holiday. Using a percentage of income is seen as a fair way by many of calculating payments and is used in some areas of life.

Tamesa · 03/03/2016 09:12

I think your daughter will be ashamed of herself when she is older.
Yes it is laudable that she is in ft higher ed and has a job, but I shouldn't think that means that her studies take the same amount of time as a ft job would.
What she wants is £600 a month to spend on herself. Lots of people would like that.
I doubt she would be so irrational to stop the job so that she didn't have to pay housekeeping and I doubt that if she did do this that her mother would throw her out.
She needs to realise that she is part of a family and that this includes give and take. Generally everyone does their best in their circumstances and she needs a (hypothetical) clip round the ear

RudeElf · 03/03/2016 09:43

I have given you clear examples where in society we make and pay by percentage - you choose to ignore this.

No i didnt. I responded directly to your examples at 21:55, 22:10 and 22:12. Why have you chosen to ignore my responses to you and pretend i didnt post them?

My C&P function is misbehaving so cant post the full quote but in response to the paragraph that begins,

in the case of the OP

If we are discussing the OP then apparently OP needs this money, so if her DC arent earning the £100 that she needs then surely she cant afford to have them there?

you choose to have extras

I was referring to you in that comment. Not the OP. We were discussing you. You will note i also included your rent/mortgage and food in the supermarket which are indeed life's essentials so relevant to OP if that's who you want to believe i was about. It wasnt, it was about you.

CMS is calculated as a percentage that increases/decreases with salary because it is reasonably believed that if a child were still residing with the NRP they would experience the impact of an increase/decrease in their parent's salary by way of more/less money being spent on them.

This is another non comparable example as an adult DC living at home is A) not responsible for their parents' financial needs and B) is only covering their own expenses and C) is likely to keep any increase in salary for their own spending.

angielou123 · 03/03/2016 09:58

My eldest son is nearly 22 and still lives at home. He works, but I don't charge him for living here. I think it's because I moved in and out of my parents home a few times over the years, with kids in tow, and they never would take any money off me. I do all his washing, cooking, cups of tea on demand, all his paperwork and I even pay a few of is bills out my bank. Soft touch? Yes of course. I know many of you will be horrified and think i'm a complete push over, but i'm not. If I need his help, he's there, always.

sleeponeday · 03/03/2016 10:19

I was scrolling to look at the age. If she was 17, this would IMO be unfair. But she's 21 - and she isn't paying £50 for half a boxroom, is she? She's paying less than her share of the food and utilities, with the bed space thrown in gratis.

She's 21. She's old enough to contribute.

Having said that, so should the kid on JSA. He'd have to use that money for food and utilities if he lived alone, so he should be paying say a tenner a week to you as well. I do appreciate that if she's working and he isn't, and she has to spend some of her hard-earned money on living (wholly reasonable) but he gets given it without work and doesn't, that would seem pretty unfair.

sleeponeday · 03/03/2016 10:20

angie that's great if a parent can afford it. OP can't. That's the point - and at 21, her dd should be able to grasp that.

AndNowItsSeven · 03/03/2016 10:46

THE KID ON JSA PAYS £20 A WEEK

AndNowItsSeven · 03/03/2016 10:47

Sorry but it's been said about ten times now.

squoosh · 03/03/2016 10:50

Does he? I don't think it's very clear.

RudeElf · 03/03/2016 10:51

Yes £20 and gets more for that than the DD gets for her £50.

AndNowItsSeven · 03/03/2016 11:26

Again elf yes he should pay more but posters keep saying he pays nothing.

seven201 · 03/03/2016 11:28

Does the £50 include food? If so I think it's a bargain!

OneMagnumisneverenough · 03/03/2016 12:09

I think a percentage thing or a "leaving them both with the same" only comes into play when you have two people who are working equally hard but society chooses to reward one more. For example:

Child A has a full time job earning £17k per annum
Child B is doing a full time apprenticeship earning £5k per annum

or Child A is studying 26 hours a week and is working part time and getting £150 per week
Child B is in full time college course and gets an apprentice allowance of £60 per week.

or Child A was supported through Uni and earns £35k but is at home saving for a flat deposit
Child B has disabilities but is working in a special scheme earning minimum wage

There are loads of scenarios where you may choose to treat at home adult children differently but fairly. I don't think the situation in the OP is necessarily fair or equal but then we don't have all the details and that is clearly the OPs prerogative.

For all we know the DS on JSA may be out pounding the streets every day and is using the remaining £35 a week on getting to interviews, clothing himself appropriately, producing CVs etc. If so then I'd be prepared to cut him some slack but my instinct would be to take the £50 from him as well as the DD and drip feed money back to him for transport etc for interviews.

WombOfOnesOwn · 03/03/2016 12:38

Wait, so you have two children in college full time. One works in addition to her class schedule, one does not. So your child who has taken the extra initiative to work is charged 1/3 of her earnings, but your other full-time college student who refuses to work can stay with you for free? I think I'd resent that arrangement as well. Is therr a reason that when money is so tight, your other college student child can't get work and contribute as well?

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/03/2016 12:40

The OP said that her other college going child has special needs.

Floralnomad · 03/03/2016 13:13

It's one thing an adult child contributing to the household it's a totally different matter when you are expecting them to subsidise other children . The OPs daughter should be paying her share of food / utilities ,( not mortgage as they don't own the asset) assuming there are 6 in the family that means the OP is spending £300 per week on food and utilities - I doubt she is .

Pyjamaramadrama · 03/03/2016 13:19

Is the op ever coming back?

Groovee · 03/03/2016 13:26

My sisters put up a complaint when our dad raised their digs.

So my dad challenged them to find somewhere that would offer what they got (a shared room, hot water, breakfast and dinner and a packed lunch for work! All washing and ironing done).

They came back after a week and said they were staying and agreed to pay the £5 a week more!

If she's not happy she could find somewhere else.