to think we are not 'older parents'

[blondieblonde]

Read this on the Guardian.

DH was 39 and 42 when we had our kids, I was 31 and 33. I don't think we are older parents, but the article which is so negative has me worried.

This article is just angst for angst's sake.

Exactly. And yes, I do wish more of these handwringing 'Oh, the scourge of the Older Parent Who Cannot Skip Through Fields of Daisies With Their Toddlers and Will Die When the Tot is Eight' articles would occasionally point out that women until the advent of widespread contraception would have gone on conceiving until they hit menopause. So while the widespread older first-time mother is a new thing, yes, women having subsequent babies in their mid and late 40s is nothing new at all. And neither is the 'older' father.

There are also of course no guarantees about lifespan - both my mother and her mother had their children in their mid 20s, but my grandmother died at 60 (very active and slim but a heavy smoker, had a heart attack), so only the oldest grandchildren even remember her...

I was grandparent at 39 and I didnt look particularly old at the primary school because it was a middle class area and some of the mothers were older than me.

Now my two gs's are in their teens(they live with me) and I am early fifties, yes I do feel older and worry that they are embarrassed about me. The reason I mention this is that I was adopted by older parents and always remember cringing at primary school when a friend said "Gosh, isn't your dm old?". It really stuck with me.

It is all in the eye of the beholder because last week I collected my third gs from school with his mum. His friend asked if I was his auntie! His mum wasn't too pleased.

My dad was 43 when I was born, never been an issue in my relationship with him at all. What's worrying you?

Only glanced at the headline but, at 31, you're not even half way to drawing your pension yet.

Why exactly are you worried?

I was 31,33 and 36 when I had my children and I'm one of the younger mums at school for DC1 and DC2, maybe one of the older ones for DC3s year. I think I had my children at the perfect age and I don't feel old at all now (I'm 41).

Op here - I'm not overly worried just a bit anxious in general as I hadn't thought of it being an issue before. One of my parents died when I was very young not age-related so I know it is not clear cut.

I was 32 and 36 when I had mine. Our friends were the same age as we were when they had their children, and the couples in our NCT classes were the same ages as us, so I didn't feel like an older mum. I do feel that I am significantly older than a lot of my schoolfriends and distant family members when they had their children though, as they were largely in their late teens and early 20s.

My midwife told me 35 plus was considered an older parent when I was having my last one at 30.

Exactly, CreamofTartar. There are many historical records of women having children well into their 40s, it was no big deal at all until reliable contraception.

Elsie it took me a while to realise one of my son's friends "mums" was actually the grandmother of my DC's friend :o I was confused when her daughter rolled up to collect the little boy :o

OP don't worry. Had you been "younger" parents people would assume your DCs weren't planned and all the other connotations that go along with that.
It's all in the mind anyway so I don't think your DCs will really notice. They don't know any different after all.

35 is the age at which pregnancy complications become statistically more likely, but that stops being relevant after the child has been born obviously!

Seeline I dont think the older you are dictates the brightness of your children at all. I know older parents who sit on the dole and never went to uni, however I had my first at 18 and she is in the gifted and talented portion of her year! :) My 7 year old son is not far behind either, and im not even 30 yet :D

The point of all this, that often seems to get missed, is that your children are unique to the stage in your life that you had them. If you'd have had children at 21 and 23 instead, they'd be entirely different people.

So imho people who are annoyed with their parents for being 'old' when they had them aren't thinking it through - the choice wasn't be born earlier or later, it was be conceived and born when you did or not exist at all.

I'd rather have ancient parents than to have never been born

Is that article entirely negative though? One or two contributors worrying about their parent dying, which is fair enough but not exclusive to older parents, but others talking about the benefits of financial security, of good communication, of appreciating time spent together.

I guess it's interesting that most of the positive contributions are from the parents who feel their lives have been enriched by obviously much-wanted children. Maybe the child's POV might be different, but then so might that of children born to younger parents who weren't ready for a family, or those born to parents who divorced acrimoniously, those whose father died in a car crash at 34, etc, etc. Three of my friends lost both parents before they were 35, and none of them were 'older'.

Also worth bearing in mind that when it comes to clickbait articles, The Guardian is really just the Daily Mail with a quinoa salad.

The youngest "older parent" in that article is 44, a mother about ten years older than you. Her story is pretty unremarkable. The ones with more negative stories had much older Dads, all well over 50 so far older than your DH. You seem to be letting an anecdotal article worry you unduly when you don't really have much in common with the subjects.

I am pregnant with my first and 42. ( DH is 37). I did not "wait" on purpose, just didn't meet even remotely the right man till I was in my late thirties. The only regret I have about slightly older motherhood is that we had trouble conceiving- we had to have IVF- but now that has worked I am not remotely fussed about my age relative to my baby's. Like Silvette in the article I have got all my travelling and partying and career developing well out of the way and am very ready to throw myself fully into motherhood without any qualms about missing out on life.

My parents were 26 and 27 when they had me. They're both dead. There are a lot of unhealthy younger parents out there who will smoke, laze and eat themselves to death long before they see grandchildren, and some people are just unlucky like my Dad and get terminal cancer in their early 50s.

Don't allow the media to create needless anxieties. You'll end up worrying about stuff you don't need to worry about, while the real sorrows and challenges in life will be ones you'd never haver predicted.

You are not an "old" parent but your partner is. I don't see the big fuss.

Thanks everyone, you're the anonymous, digital older sister I needed!

when it comes to clickbait articles, The Guardian is really just the Daily Mail with a quinoa salad.

That's increasingly and depressingly true, Sheffield.

A lot of those cases in the Guardian article are men marrying women young enought to be their daughter. It is a dynamic all about money of men buying pretty younger women and is about women not earning their own living an in effect being owned by men.

It is totally different if you are about the same age and are equal. So best not to generalise.

Of course if women married men who were their age rather than old enough to have fathered them the world would be a much better and more equal place. If you have to have an age gap get a younger man.

I've been both "a young mum" and "an older mum", having had DS1 at just turned 22 and DD at 36.

FWIW, I'm fitter and healthier now - at almost 41 - than I ever was in my 20's. There is no perfect age to have DCs I don't think, like most things in life, there is no "one size fits all".

I try to make a point of ignoring those kind of labels .

If you are worried it might say more about how you feel personally about it and how you interpret the points raised.

I can relate to the first article about her father's death. I am my mother's second child (from her second marriage) born when she was 35 and my father's first at 60. My dad died when I was 9 and my mother had a huge breakdown and has been mentally unwell since that point. There is 15 years between me and my sister due to them meeting and the length of time it took to conceive me. She is around 45 and I am around 30. My mum is 65. But I could die tomorrow in my 30s and not see my DD grow up so I guess age is just a number.

Though I have to say I hated having older parents and being one of the only ones in primary school and almost secondary school. I did get teased! Everyone else parents are so young and acted young whereas my mother was a lot more mature due to my father being a lot older than her though they were financially secure.

My DD is 5 and in her class the age is so diverse and I dont even think she would take any notice in the slightest unlike when I was at school.

In the future would like another which could be 5-10 years away and it doesn't bother me regardless of how I felt about it as a child.

If its what is right for you then it's right for you no matter what anyone else thinks/ says.

I feel different wherever I go.. I live in Yorkshire and feel slightly older for a mum (30) but then I stayed in Brighton for a while and was surrounded by first time mums in their 40s and 50s.

My mum had me at 42 (my dad was 41) in the early 70s. I felt they were very old growing up compared to my friends' parents who were all at least 10 years younger, but now it wouldn't be seen as that old, esp for the father. They did both pass away by the time I was 30 though. My mum always said I kept her young, and did seem young for her age, but it doesn't stop health problems occuring, sadly. Yes, people can die at any age, but it is more likely to happen as you get older. Fact of life!

I was 30 and 32, and DH was 33 and 35. I was lucky to have been able to have children relatively young (started trying at 28). I would say an older parent is one over 40, esp if you have your first child then.