to think we are not 'older parents'

[blondieblonde]

Read this on the Guardian.

DH was 39 and 42 when we had our kids, I was 31 and 33. I don't think we are older parents, but the article which is so negative has me worried.

[bananafish81]

Thing about egg quality and chromosomal abnormalities is that it's all on a spectrum

I have friends in their 40s who have got pregnant really easily and had zero miscarriages

I have friends in their early 30s who have had miscarriage after miscarriage and taken years to get pregnant

I was diagnosed as being in borderline premature ovarian failure at 33 - ie I had the ovarian reserve of someone in peri menopause. The NHS wouldn't fund someone with as poor a prognosis as me and many private clinics would have written me off as a lost cause

I was and am significantly more 'decrepit' than many of my friends in their 40s!

[nokidshere]

I was 39 and 41 when I had my children. Dh was 47 & 49. We were never made to feel old, or even older by anyone. We are 55 & 63 now with a 14 & 17 year old.

Our ages have never been a problem for us or them. We are fit and active, stay on the same wavelength as much as we can with our dc's and do everything and more than many of our younger friends.

[Helmetbymidnight]

I'm always surprised when I read these threads is just how decrepit some people think 40-somethings are.

[Ludways]

I was 34 and 38 when I had mine, dh is 4 years younger though. I'm now 48 with a 14 yo and a 10 yo. My age is just an absolute non issue for me, I'm able to run around, play football, go swimming and climb to the top of the climbing frame, I'm happy to listen to their music and to go to gigs etc. with them. It's very much down to personality.

The thing that makes age a non issue is that I'm immature, lol, that same immaturity was even worse in my twenties and I'd have been a bloody awful mother then.

[5BlueHydrangea]

My dh was 63 when we had dd. I think he qualifies...

[Birdsgottafly]

There was a recent report by those working in the field of fertility calling for a greater understanding of the issues when leaving ttc until later on, not those who don't find partners etc.

They say that majority applying for IVF, are people who have left it late and expected no problems, because they thought that late 30's, would still give them plenty of time, when for many, it doesn't.

They were also calling for funding not to be used for this purpose.

[blondieblonde]

Oh I see. Blimey. I didn't know ANY of this as I planned a baby/put off having one etc.

Couldn't they have taught me in school instead of how to put a condom on a cucumber?!

[bananafish81]

Egg quality declines with age. The older you are the greater proportion of your eggs are chromosomally abnormal

A chromosomally abnormal egg will either not fertilise, fertilise but not implant, implant but miscarry, or develop into a baby with chromosomal abnormalities like Downs

The older you get the fewer chromosomally normal eggs you have meaning the less likely you will have a live birth of a healthy baby

However even at the age of 30 only half your eggs are chromosomally normal. It's not until your late 30s that the decline gets much steeper

[blondieblonde]

pp:

My friend says ideally everyone would get their eggs frozen at 18 and use those when trying to get pregnant, such is their quality compared to older eggs.

[mimishimmi]

Also, my nan was one of eleven... her mum started at 16 and kept having kids through to her forties.

[mimishimmi]

I think the age you've had them is about average now, even slightly younger than average. I was treated like a teen mum when I had my first at 24 but glad we've got it out of the way and kids are older now. I know that physically I haven't got the stamina I did 15 years ago so I think I'd be pretty stressed out starting now. Then again, maybe I'd have more stamina because I hadn't had the kids yet

[limitedperiodonly]

WTF is this writer and her case histories going on about? Older parenthood is not a new phenomenon. Being able to stop having children after one or two or none, is.

Before reliable contraception it was entirely normal for women to have children until the menopause or they died. Whichever came sooner.

That's well within living memory.

My own mother's mother died in the '20s when my mother was a few weeks old. My mother was one of four. Families of 10 or more were common.

I was born when my mother was 41. My father was 46. They wanted me. Or that's what they always told me

[splendide]

Actually I can believe that Ovaries. How awful :(

I was (for want of a better word) quite pushy about getting treatment which I probably wouldn't have been at 20. Not saying all 20 year olds would feel like that but I was really timid at that age.

[OvariesBeforeBrovaries]

It's actually the opposite splendide - studies have suggested that PND is more prevalent in younger mums, and younger mums are much less likely to seek treatment for fear of stigma or having their baby taken away. I hear a lot of people say they think younger parents cope better, but really it's just that younger parents hide it more :( will try and dig out the study, it's interesting.

[splendide]

5madthings (congratulations, you'll need a name change!) - how ridiculous to be told you're old to be having your 6th baby! As other have said babies used to be born till the mother died or hit menopause, the idea that it's a modern phenomenon is just stupid.

I had my first (and likely to remain only) DS when I had just turned 36. I wasn't treated as high risk and had him at home. Had a brilliant birth and very healthy pregnancy but then had bad PND and suffered hugely with the broken sleep. I wonder if I'd had coped better with the shock and disruption of a newborn better when I was younger. But I don't think PND affects older mothers disproportionately so maybe not!

[yetanotherdeskmove]

My dad was 40 when I was born and his mum was 40 when he was born (and he was the youngest of 2 not one of a large family). It’s not a new thing. I had my DC at 36 and 38 (no reference was every made to my age by any HCP during either pregnancy) and my dad is still able to run about in the garden with them. Age is relative.

To the poster above who said they feel older at 30 in Yorkshire, not in this part, I’m fairly average age of the mums I know I would say.

[bananafish81]

OHSS is much more likely when you're young and have spectacular ovarian reserve and it is not to be messed around with.

Egg freezing isn't like sperm freezing. I genuinely don't think people realise than egg freezing is doing a round of IVF just without the embryo transfer bit

2-4 weeks of daily injections (depending on which protocol you're doing. My long protocol would have been nearly 5 weeks of nightly jabs). Scans every 2-3 days once you start stimming. Surgical procedure under sedation. Costs about £5k a pop and then you need to pay for thawing, fertilisation and a FET cycle to attempt to have a baby with one of those eggs. And most people will need several rounds of retrievals and transfer cycles.

The idea that egg freezing is some kind of magical insurance policy is a dangerous myth, and I worry that it's being peddled as something it's not

[JessieMcJessie]

Hear Hear bananafish (another IVF-er here).

I think that perhaps there is some wisdom in freezing some eggs if you reach, say, 32 and still have no prospect of a partner on the horizon, but I can't imagine there are that many women in their 20s with egg quality- related fertility problems or worried about risk of disability due to eggs over the age of 18.

That said, I imagine that what tkndnv's friend is saying is that the ideal world would also be one where egg freezing was very straightforward and success rates with frozen eggs were 100%.

[bananafish81]

Re egg freezing we all know egg quality declines with age - but egg freezing means going several rounds of invasive IVF to then require IVF further down the line - when as egg quality only really declines sharply in your mid-late thirties, means potentially having £20-30k worth of IVF treatment you may not need

I've done two rounds of IVF and it's no walk in the park.

Egg freezing isn't the panacea it's made out to be. You risk ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome which can be lethal and it's weeks of injections and surgical procedures under sedation. As you need several rounds of egg freezing to get enough eggs for it to be worthwhile.

Not to mention the astronomical cost.

[tkndnv]

Whilst it's normal to be a parent in your mid/late 30s, it still is "old" in parenting terms.

I have a good friend who is a scientist working in fertility. She had all her kids before 30, even though her career wasn't quite where she'd have liked it at the time, because all her research indicates that is the best time. It doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't have children later than that, but biologically the earlier the better.

My friend says ideally everyone would get their eggs frozen at 18 and use those when trying to get pregnant, such is their quality compared to older eggs.

[BarricadesBabe]

Loving this thread - interesting to hear all the different POVs and it's clearly showing how much things are down to individual attitude, life choices, lifeSTYLE choices, health status, experience with own parents, etc. etc. etc.

Example: MyLocal says "Personally, I cannot possibly image having a child age 10 or younger, the thought of school runs and trailing to Judo classes 3 times a week, dance classes twice and football on a Sunday morning fills me with absolute horror.

Each to their own."

It would have filled me with absolute horror up to, say, age 38-40 but at 47 I find I mind it much less! Until I was 40 I completely pleased myself so now I don't mind devoting so much time to my kids - and I'm now well-established in my (work at home) career so am able to be reasonably flexible. It really is each to their own.

Also, OvariesBeforeBrovaries I hadn't "wanted my babies longer" as an older mum: both DH and I genuinely didn't want any at all until we almost hit 40. But then I was lucky to conceive fairly quickly, I know others find it more problematic.

[ChihuahuaChick]

I think the effects on the children depend very heavily on the individual parents and children. I am the eldest child of four. My mum was in her 30s and dad in his 40s with me, when my youngest sibling was born mum was 40 and dad in early 50s.

Dad's in his late 60s now with long standing sleep apnea and thyroid problems (controlled), still working though all he can get are temp contracts due to ageism and a couple years ago he rediscovered his love of running though a slight injury has put a dent in it for now. He can still out drink most "youngsters" as well.

Mum has some mild joint problems starting to set in, but still hefts round my hefty sprogs and goes for walks and so on.

My MIL and SFIL are of an age/slightly younger than my mum and a good decade younger than dad, had their kids earlier and have had much worse health scares and I know my DP worries after them a lot more than I worry after my folks.

I never really felt bad about having older parents at school or anything. I thought they were embarrassing old farts at certain stages of teenager hood, sure, but so did most kids whose parents weren't the BFF type. My friends actually thought my dad was super cool with all his stories from "back in the day".

[BettyBi0]

^movingonmind - I think that's a great point. I was having my first at 36 and one friend of mine the same age had a 16 year old. She kept saying, I don't know how you can do it, the sleepless nights, all the running around etc. But I look at her and she seems at least 10 years older than me as she's been totally knackered out by motherhood. When she was struggling to balance working and kids I was off galavanting around the world with no responsibilities and unlimited time for myself.

[Movingonmymind]

I wasn't young, was exactly smack on average and now in my 40s looking st my sil of the same age and her newborn baby, i just can't imagine having a baby at my age now. But that's me, based on having already had my kids -and fought th exhaustion-am just too Knackered now having already done it. But may e she has extra unused reserves of energy which I have all used up. Am happy for her and others having kids later. It's fine if it works out.

[LordyGoodness]

I had my first child at 27, DH 40...then no.2 at 31/44.

DH looks young for his age and is immature so he didn't feel 'older'.

At 52 now, though (although he looks 10 years younger I'd say, the bastard! ) - he does feel 'older'. Not so much in terms of energy, but lifestyle choices. Quite a few of the 30 and early 40-something school parents are having their third or fourth child now, and DH just rolls his eyes and says 'God forbid!' .

I felt like a gym slip mum at 27 in my social circle, too, to be honest. Only one of my circle of close friends had a child at the same age. The others were all mid-late thirties when they started, and one of my friends is about to have her first child at 40.