to think we are not 'older parents'

[blondieblonde]

Read this on the Guardian.

DH was 39 and 42 when we had our kids, I was 31 and 33. I don't think we are older parents, but the article which is so negative has me worried.

[Shesinfashion]

Both me and my DP are older parents. DP was a younger parent however to his first two. It is what it is.

[Shesinfashion]

We were both still in our late 30's when our last child was born. IMO over 35 is older to have a baby.

[sportinguista]

Personally I thinki it's approach to life that matters. I think people in their 50's now certainly weren't the same as in my grandparents day. My parents were thought of as older parents back in the day - and yes I lost my mum to cancer when I was only 20. But what stays with me is she was more mature than many younger parents and gave me a much better parenting example than a flighty 20 something maybe.

I'm an older parent (not 50's) but certainly don't feel that, neither do many of those around me!

[Movingonmymind]

Exactly, it is what it is. Article seems to be from the perspective of the kids, so yes, a 60-something parent to a teen is 'old' relatively speaking. Doesn't sound as if you are, op, no more than many. Obv your dh is older.

[Sonotkylie]

There are no hard and fast rules. My mother had me at 23. She was a lousy mother and drank throughout my childhood. Still young though so she's still around making everyone's life a misery now. DH mother had him at 42. Lovely woman with whom he had a great relationship. She had health issues in his 30s and her 70s but lived independently until her late 80s and had a good relationship with her grandchildren too. Life's what you make it. Age is not the whole story, so stop worrying. These articles are only designed to reflect 1 thing

[JenEric]

If you assume most people have kids been 15 and 55 that's 40 years making 35 the middle. Therefore I would say anyone under 35 is a younger parent and over is an older parent. I am fairly sure that the NHS classification is 35+ is an older parent.

In practical terms it makes no difference really. My mum was "young" when she had me but I was only 31 when she died. Yes the older you are when you have kids the more likely you are not to be here when they hit 30's but realistically life doesn't work like that.

[bananafish81]

I'm 34, DH is 45, I'm 8 weeks pregnant with our first

If this one sticks then EDD is 3 weeks before my 35th birthday so I will escape having 'elderly primagravida' on my maternity notes

DH is older, but in my social circle and area of London no one has a baby before their early 30s. The only friends of mine who had their first in their late 20s live outside London and settled down much younger

[katienana]

You can lose your parents at any age, my dad lost his dad when he was 30 my grandad was only 54. Dh lost his mother when he was 10 she was only about 40. You can't live your life anticipating death or illness all the time. I'm 32 expecting my second don't feel particularly young or old either way just right for my family.

[rogueantimatter]

Even if there is an optimum age at which to have a baby you can't win - unless you only have one baby.

Then there's middle child syndrome, only child syndrome....

Pros and cons with everything.

[passmethewineplease]

Don't worry, this stuff is just anecdotal rubbish.

You are by no means an older parent, your DH might just be in the older parent category but really nothing to worry about!

I had my first young, there's cons to that as well! Don't stress.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

I am an "older parent"...although I had my first at 29, my DS was born when I was 42, he is five and I am coming up 47. I am now, unfortunately, a lone parent and my DS has ASD to contend with. I would be lying if I said that my age doesn't sometimes play on my mind, my Mum died at 60 when I was 32. However, my Dad is 77 and in fine health. I agree with katienana, you can't spend your time worrying about what might or might not be around the corner.

I am, however, the oldest mum at the school gates and thankful that people think I am much younger . I would give yourself a break OP, yes your DH is a bit older, but it is hardly news these days thankfully

[Tywinlannister]

I was 29 and 34, I'll probably have another at 36. DH was 34 and 39. My DF had already died at 31 so had kids young and still didn't get to see them grow up!

My Mum thought I was an older Mum at 29 because she'd had me at 19. She is about as active as a 70 year old, so again, isn't really enjoying her grandparent-hood so having kids young did her no favours.

Don't worry. Who can say what will happen in the future.

[Gobbolino6]

It depends where you live. Here, you'd be average age as a couple. I was the youngest mum at all my baby groups by far, having my first at 28', and Im one of the youngest at the school gates.

[MadisonAvenue]

I was 27 when my first was born and 30 with my second. I didn't feel like one of the older parents when my oldest started school but in the three years between then and my youngest starting I noticed a big difference.

Thinking of my own parents, they were 34 and 36 when I was born and I was always one of those with the old parents at school. Even now, my mother in law is in the 60s and my parents are in their 80s.

[happy2bhomely]

What exactly are you worried about? Age is no guarantee of good health and accidents can happen to anyone.

I was 17 when I had my first and 30 when I had my 5th. My eldest is now 15 and he still considers me an old fart even though most of his friend's parents are as old as his grandparents.

The only thing that makes a different in my life is that my children still have 4 great-grandparents and my son even got to meet his great-great nan when he was small. So from that point of view, it's lovely that our parents will hopefully get to see their grandchildren grow up and maybe have children of their own. The downside is that my mum is 52 and works full time, so there is no help with childcare or anything.

My MIL is 49 and she is as active and healthy as an unhealthy 70 year old!

[happy2bhomely]

*difference

[Lymmmummy]

I think it's the guardian perhaps being a touch sensationalist - almost seeking out very extreme cases of older parenting then implying the same issues apply to far earlier later parenting - though of course perhaps they are shining a light on an important issue and giving the children of these later parents a voice -

Either way I don't think 42 is very old for a father though clearly it's not at the younger end of things either - but there is an enormous difference on every level between parents say who have children at 40 and those that have them at 60 - by that point the 40 yearolds child would already be 20 and be a young adult -those having children at 40 would be likely to see there child live until perhaps early middle age - I do think there is an age after which it is unfair to have children but for me it would be mid forties - and I generally hate the way older parents seem to have become a fascination with certain parts of the press

I did have older parents myself (39 &42) and yes they died when I was youngish and yes I would have much preferred to have had younger parents and will be advising my children to start early if they can - but I just don't think it's a "state of the nation" type issue - it's more an individual tragedy for the individuals involved

[BettyBi0]

Maybe I'm just in denial but I feel it's pretty normal to have kids in your late 30s now.

In my lovely East London bubble most people take a good chunk of time to establish careers and save up their astronomical deposit to buy their first flat. This inevitably means that they have a wait before having kids. But even if you are say, 60 when your child goes off to uni, you've probably still got another 8 years of working life ahead of you. If there is a big age gap between partners then maybe this makes things more complicated.

On the other hand, if the economic situation stays the same and my DD follows the same pattern, then she'll be burying me at the same time as trying to juggle a young family and career. Ugh... There is never going to be an easy time in life to deal with that kind of stuff though...

[Pootles2010]

Exactly Betty - one of my gran's friends is in her 70s, and caring for her parents who are in their 90s. So having kids in your 20s is not neccessarily easier for them!

[Knockmesideways]

It's a bit doom and gloom isn't it? I had my DS when I was 44, he's now coming up for nine (I'll leave the calculation to you ha ha!) My DH was 50 years old.

I have no idea what the future will bring - but neither does the 24 year old having her first child. I may live until I am 80 plus (like my mum) or die when I am 64 (like my dad).

All I will say is that our DS is not unique in his school. In the toddler group I went to with him when he was a tot we had 4 of us over 40, 6-7 in their 30s and only 2 or 3 in their 20s. Maybe it's the area we live in, I don't know, but we have a lot of older mums. Some are on their 2nd or 3rd child, some on their 1st. And being in our 50s now doesn't mean we are on a zimmer frame! DH is capable of having a game of footie with DS, teaching him to ride his bike and I am capable of taking him swimming, chasing him round the garden (when he was younger) and making time for him when he wants to show us his lego creation or needs help with the homework - just like a parent in their 30s.

As for the 30 year old woman who was saying she was 'giving up her life and career for her older dad'. Well, she mentions her mum was 32 when she had her. That makes her mum 62 years old - hardly ancient! Even if her dad is now in his 80s, most women are still working at 62 and those who do retire early are often on child care duties for the grandchildren or doing their own, well earned, thing with life. She doesn't mention her mum - possibly she's already dead (in which case she died very young by today's standards). But if she's around why is all the work (or so it seems) falling to the daughter? She doesn't give you much to go on other than she does all the running around.

Well, so do I. That 80 plus year old mum of mine has diabetes, Alzheimer's, vascular dementia and a stent in her heart which means she uses warfarin (which means regular check ups). She lives alone so I am her main carer. I have an eight year old. I can't get a job which fits in with her - she'll be fine for weeks then have 3 appointments in a week with a possible recheck a week later and no employer will support that in a new member of staff. DH works at the other end of the country two days a week so DS and DM's care fall to me. So I am setting up a craft business. It's not much but it gives me focus and hopefully 'pin' money and I can work it around my commitments.

Of course, whilst the writer who was giving up her life and career looking after her dad, is having a hard time she forgets to do a calculation around 'normal' aged parents. A couple who had their children at, say 28 and 30 like my cousin did are now grandparents (their son is 34) to a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Her mum had her when she was 25. So her mum is now 87 years old. So my cousin now (62) does child care duties for her grandchildren (along with her husband) and looks after her elderly mum (87). Yes, she had her career but now faces the prospect of her retirement being spent looking after her elderly mum or her grandchildren. When does she get 'me' time? When does her life start?

So you're either a younger sandwich or a middle aged sandwich. Either way the way our society is set up means you support those below you and above you at some stage in your life, often with very little help unfortunately.

[cocochanel21]

My mum was 40 when she had me. I'm the youngest of 6 siblings.

I had Dd1 at 15 so I was definitely the youngest at the school gate.

Had Dd2 at 38 when she goes to school I'll be one of the oldest mum's I imagine.
2 of Dd1's friends were pregnant at the same time as me when I had Dd2.

[oldlaundbooth]

From what I gather these days (or maybe just on MN) most parents are 'older'.

I'm 34, DH is 42.

[aprilanne]

when i had my eldest son 25 years ago anyone over 25 was considered a mature mother in other words old .who cares now adays they still say ideally its better under 30 but life does not work out like that

[aprilanne]

my friend just had her 4th baby at 40 and she said the midwife said she was geriatric i laughed when she told me .