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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that no one is ever bothered about losing me as a friend?

43 replies

GreenFishYellowFish · 01/03/2016 16:37

I always find that people seem to be really bothered if they think they have upset someone else or that someone else is avoiding them, but no one seems to care or bat an eyelid if I drop off their radar or distance myself. It really upsets me.

I distanced myself from a friend a few months ago as she kept telling my DCs off when we met up and was also quite critical about my DD in comparison to her DD, eg she kept referring to my DD as overweight, when DD is not overweight it is just that my friend's DD is a very tiny slight build. Like I said, I distanced myself but have always been polite and friendly when I've bumped into her. She doesn't seem bothered at all and has not made any effort to contact me or ask if she's upset me in any way.

Whenever I've distanced myself from anyone in the past, there just seems to be a sense of acceptance that I'm off their radar, and no one is ever bothered. Even when I've backed off for a while and just not initiated contact, no one contacts me.

AIBU to find it upsetting?

OP posts:

MLGs · 01/03/2016 16:41

Yabu. They probably have some pride!

Arfarfanarf · 01/03/2016 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubyRo · 01/03/2016 16:45

Yabu.

If I thought someone was distancing themselves from me I wouldn't chase them, I'd let them get on with it.

I think you either need to tell people when they have pissed you off or distance yourself and except that might be the end of the friendship.

Ignoring someone and waiting for them to notice is very passive aggressive and annoying.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/03/2016 16:46

If people distance themselves from me then no way would I chase after them. Would still hurt though.

Sorry..it's a bit rich to consciously stop speaking to people then be upset they don't run after you.

FigMango1 · 01/03/2016 16:48

I think a good friend will be concerned if you distanced yourself and will check if all is ok. Maybe they just are not very good friends to you .

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 01/03/2016 16:49

Maybe it's best to discuss with friends why you're upset and try to resolve it before you decide to distance yourself?
It's usually awkward to bring it up e.g. 'Im offended when you criticise my dd's appearance' but it might clear the air.

It took me years to realise my friends couldn't read my mind and I had to vocalise what was bothering me or let it go.

Stiddleficks · 01/03/2016 16:51

I understand what you mean op. I find that I am often the one initiating meeting up etc. If life gets busy I can notice that I may not have sent a message to someone in a couple of months and that gets me wondering why at no point have they not contacted me, especially when I hear that they have been seeing and speaking to other friends regularly. Why is it always me that has to get in touch first. It does hurt when you realise that actually nobody is that bothered about you.

BillBrysonsBeard · 01/03/2016 16:54

I would never chase anyone either... Just assume they had distanced for their own reasons and it's up to them to get in touch. I think the people who worry they've upset someone all the time are quite needy and unable to read people, so don't be sad you don't have any of those as friends! Sounds like your friends know you want space.

Original poster

GreenFishYellowFish · 01/03/2016 16:57

Stiddleficks, that is it exactly!

BillBrysons, but if a friend didn't contact me for a month or so I would contact them to see if they were ok, whilst no one even gives me that courtesy of checking if I'm ok or not. It's a case of I contact people, or the friendship dies. No one ever seems to think "Hmm, I haven't heard from Green for a while, I'll send her a text to see how she is and to see if she wants to meet up, perhaps she's been busy".

OP posts:

LetsSplashMummy · 01/03/2016 17:02

YABU, stop playing games and setting your friends tests and passive aggressive little punishments. As you have tried this approach a few times and it has been shown not to work, you could try something else, like speaking up if your friend upsets you and dealing with things.

I think you should also try to accept that people won't always behave as you would or as you think they should, this will cause you nothing but heartache. If you want to see someone, call them and have a nice time, it is that simple for most people.

CamboricumMinor · 01/03/2016 17:07

YABU. People aren't going to bother with you if you are demonstrating that you aren't interested in keeping in touch with them? Why would they? They will have other friends who aren't so passive aggressive.

Stanky · 01/03/2016 17:07

I wouldn't chase after any one, and I've distanced myself from people. I don't want them to chase after me, I distanced myself because being around them was getting me down. Remember how they made you feel when they were horrible about your dc. That's why you distanced yourself. Spending time with friends is supposed to be enjoyable, and if that's not the case then it might be time to let the friendship fade out. Put your time and energy into the people you love and care about.

hellswelshy · 01/03/2016 17:10

Sorry but yabu. I had a friend who did this, did the whole deleting me from Facebook thing, blanking me etc. I did obviously wonder why as we had Ben mates a while but also I knew she had form for it with previous friends and family members! I suppose I thought oh its my turn and left her to it. I was not willing to ask her why because if something had upset her she should have told me, I'm an adult I can take it! Very passive aggressive sorry.

gandalf456 · 01/03/2016 17:15

I think if she was being mean to your kids a) you are well rid anyway and b) she probably wasn't that into you either so you certainly don't want her chasing you now

LifeofI · 01/03/2016 17:19

You are not unreasonable to be upset but there is a reason people are not bothered to get in contact with you.
I have cut off a few people who always tried to chase me down and wonder why, i always had my reasons but i cared even less to tell them why simply because i don't have to. I never get why people are so bothered if someone cuts them off but then i never get cut off.

maggiethemagpie · 01/03/2016 17:20

I think with friendships there is a tendency for things to just fizzle out, whereas in relationships there is always this need to have 'closure'.

I've just distanced myself from a friend who was once very close, almost like a sister, we really 'got' each other but she ended up letting me down too many times and now we haven't spoken for a while and I'm perfectly ok with just never speaking to her again. I mean, I'm a bit sad, but I'm certainly not going to make contact and I don't think she is with me and that's fine because it makes it easier not to have the confrontation.

I bet some of your friends are a bit miffed you're not in touch but they wouldn't admit it or 'chase' you for an explanation.

Do you do this with people who distance themselves from you? If you would always be the one to get in touch then I can see that you may feel hurt, but you have to realise that not everyone would do this so you can't infer that people don't care just because they don't react as you would.

Original poster

GreenFishYellowFish · 01/03/2016 17:22

So those of you that say you wouldn't chase after anyone, do you just wait for friends to contact you all the time and never contact them? Because that's the kind of thing I am referring to too, as I mentioned in my second post on the thread.

OP posts:

cuckoooo · 01/03/2016 17:25

YANBU to feel bad - your feelings are your feelings. I also find myself putting in all the effort into friendships.

YABU to expect people to act a certain way or to care in the same way you do. You are clearly caring and sensitive.

These people are probably just thinking "what's her problem anyway?" and just back off just like you have and get over it.

BTW, it doesn't sound like much a of a friendship. I doubt she even thinks you were friends.

As I get older, I just realise people are just so busy with their lives they can barely care for themselves let alone for other people. I find most people generally very thoughtless and selfish. You just have to lower your expectations of people.

AlmaMartyr · 01/03/2016 17:28

I don't really chase people tbh... I'm pretty busy with my own life so may not always be aware if someone has been absent, although would always help if they asked for it. If I thought I had offended someone, I'd probably just let them get on with it. And the one time that I stopped speaking to people (big nasty situation), I would not have appreciated them contacting me.

I think these kinds of things are always difficult as we all have different expectations of friendship. I don't expect people to chase me, and I don't expect to do the chasing. I'm always going to disappoint some people but most of my friends are like me really. As LetsSplashMummy said, you can't set your friends tests.

velourvoyageur · 01/03/2016 17:31

People aren't going to come running after you, it's normal. If I get even the slightest hint of drama about a casual friendship that would be enough to make me not want to pursue it/go back to it once some distance had been created. Had enough of that at school.
To be honest, I have a number of friends who are fun to go out with, but I wouldn't miss them if they suddenly stopped talking to me and wouldn't go poking around to see what's going on - they're nice folks but I'm not invested in the friendship. Maybe that's how they see you.
I take this approach to any relationship - be as direct (obvs in a polite way) as you can, don't leave things to simmer, put your feelings on the table if they're still there after you've slept on them. Deal with things soon. I can't be bothered with feeling confused, mind games & second guessing. To be honest, anyone who isn't willing to try and communicate directly and sincerely is not someone I particularly want to invest energy in....life's too short and there's plenty of other people who've worked out how to get on with the people around them....sorry OP, I'm not saying this specifically about you....but maybe you need to think about changing tactics because this one is not working.

BlueMoonRising · 01/03/2016 17:32

You don't know that they aren't bothered though - if they feel you have backed off for whatever reason, they are unlikely to say anything to you.

Well, I certainly wouldn't. I was very upset by someone I thought was a good friend backing off from me (we were both going through tough times, I had supported her through hers, when mine hit she disappeared of the radar). I wouldn't have dreamed of letting her know it upset me, why would I?

Namechangenell · 01/03/2016 17:32

I understand what you mean! I think sometimes in friendships people fall into roles, so the organised one, the scatty one and so on. Hence, I have friends who would always expect me to do the organising as, well, I'm super organised! That said, it does start to grate slightly and I've become less tolerant of being the one who always has to set things up since having my DC. Yes, I'm still organised, but there does come a time when you feel like you're taken for granted, especially when whatever you do is never reciprocated. It's a tricky one though as it's not really as if you can 'keep score' - I know that none of this would have ever crossed some of my less organised friends' minds! They'd more than likely think they just hadn't seen me for a while. I think the key is to accept people for who they are, whilst at the same time having your own boundaries in place. So - if you're happy to always be the one keeping in touch, that's great. If not, then try and find some more like-minded friends. I've moved a lot and am part of an expat community now and am used to the constant ebb and flow of friendship groups. You just can't take everything to heart (that way madness lies!) but don't let yourself be taken advantage of either. You'll find your groove. Good luck.

LoveBoursin · 01/03/2016 17:35

so those of who you who don't chase people, do you ever contact friends to arrange a meet up or check how they are doing?
Or do you expect your friends to do all the leg work?

What Green is talking about is the fact that she is the one to do all the contacting, leg work type of thugs, but if she doesn't then no one bothers to contact her to see of she is ok?

Now my PoV on that is that people who you are always contacting and they never contact you are just acquaintances. Not friends.
Happy to see you and have a chat with you but if you aren't in their life, it's not a problem either.

It's crap though when you have no real friends around

Original poster

GreenFishYellowFish · 01/03/2016 17:37

Thank you LoveBoursin for getting exactly what I meant!

OP posts:

maggiethemagpie · 01/03/2016 17:44

Green - I used to be the one to always chase, but it ended up upsetting me (a bit like how you are upset) and so now I don't chase people, I get in touch if it feels like the right thing to do but I don't 'chase' ie if I get the vibe that they're not bothered I back right off as I'm not bothered if they're not!

This is a 180 turnaround from how I used to be and my life is a lot better and less stresssful for it.

I found the less I chased, or was bothered whether people got in touch, the more they got in touch possibly because I was not giving off needy vibes (not saying you are btw, but I think I probably was)

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