To be upset that no one is ever bothered about losing me as a friend?

[GreenFishYellowFish]

I always find that people seem to be really bothered if they think they have upset someone else or that someone else is avoiding them, but no one seems to care or bat an eyelid if I drop off their radar or distance myself. It really upsets me.

I distanced myself from a friend a few months ago as she kept telling my DCs off when we met up and was also quite critical about my DD in comparison to her DD, eg she kept referring to my DD as overweight, when DD is not overweight it is just that my friend's DD is a very tiny slight build. Like I said, I distanced myself but have always been polite and friendly when I've bumped into her. She doesn't seem bothered at all and has not made any effort to contact me or ask if she's upset me in any way.

Whenever I've distanced myself from anyone in the past, there just seems to be a sense of acceptance that I'm off their radar, and no one is ever bothered. Even when I've backed off for a while and just not initiated contact, no one contacts me.

AIBU to find it upsetting?

I wouldn't chase somebody who quite obviously was making a point of ‘distancing‘ themselves or being annoyed about something. But I arrange get togethers and meeting up with most of my friend groups, think its just usually one person in a group who does that - me in my case! Perhaps you have that role also op?

LoveBoursin - I do arrange meet ups and text people to see how they are etc. I know what you mean about people who let you do all the legwork and it can be a bit miserable. I hadn't read the OP like that hence earlier reply.

If that is what you meant OP, then for you, it must feel quite lonely. Sorry for misunderstanding.

I think the problem is that people have a different definition of "friendship". I have two friends. That doesn't sound like many, but these are the people where it is all about give and take, and where we would be genuinely concerned if we didn't hear from each other, would visit each other in hospital, lend each other money in a crisis etc.

The rest of the people I see are acquaintances. We just don't have that deep bond. I have maybe 10 or so of these that I see on a regular basis, nights out, meals, weekends away etc. OP, you need to consider exactly who your real friends are out of your circle, and have reduced expectations of the others. See the others for what they are - fun people to spend time with, but don't get hung up if they disappear.

Anyone who says they have loads of "friends" has a different definition of friendship to me.

The original post by Green is confusing. It infers that she was cutting friends off for upsetting her as in the example of comments over dd's weight. I thought distancing meant not returning calls or taking up invitations.

Friendships are quite hard work to maintain esp if you're busy with life generally. I prefer to have a small number of friends as I'm quite lazy about keeping friendships alive.

There's a difference between being not hearing from someone because (1) someone has the perceived hump with you and (2) people leading busy lives and only making sporadic contact to meet up and then there are (3) real friendships where people don't keep track of who got in contact the last time, they just feel comfortable enough to get in touch with a friend when it matters.

If I thought someone was "distancing" themselves, I'd just let them. I have enough real pals to let silly drama llamas get on with their attention seeking nonsense.

i think you also fall into a pattern of who does most contacting/organising.

The main person in our group who did this moved away. The rest of us haven't seen anywhere near as much of each other. Not because we don't want to, but we are useless as making the effort to contact each other/organise things.

So perhaps if they are used to you doing the running, then it's not a conscious thing on their part?

You've got it sussed I think Grapejuice . There is usually an 'organiser' in friendship groups for casual meet ups and they probably do get taken for granted a bit.
However, I have a friend that loves organising things and being in control of everything so it takes all sorts.

I agree with the PPs saying it sounds like unnecessary drama over adult friendships. Also I think if there is this disconnect where you feel she criticises your child, it's fair to assume she picks up on it in some way and you aren't great mates in her book either. Perhaps she felt you criticised her kid too, who knows? So if you've apparently drifted, she's fine with that. And you should be fine with it too as it wasn't a good thing for either of you.

greenfish they will mind but if DC's are involved life just gets so busy thet don't have the time, energy, thought or patience to pursue a friendship like they might have pre kids and 5/10 years ago. Some people also just genuinely don't think much about others/their change in behaviour so they may not have noticed.

YABU. You want to "distance yourself" from people (many people, from the sound of it) and you also want them to be upset about it and miss you. Maybe they are just happier without the drama and fuss?
You don't like them much, they don't like you much, you're even.

Real friends, you contact each other, because you want to. Sometimes its more one, sometimes its more another, you don't make a big deal about it.

Green YANBU
I don't think it's passive aggressive or playing games as some PPs said, to wonder why you have to do all the running to have any social contact with your friends.
I got to 25 and the same thing hit me; the only way I ever saw anyone was if I called, I made the arrangements, I booked the cinema, etc etc.
The only time certain 'friends' actually called me, was to see if I could do a favour, pick up kids from School with mine, lend them £20.
But I have to take some of the blame, I enabled them to behave like that by always doing the running around and saying Yes!
I finally saw sense and thought "fuck this", and stopped making the calls. There was no fall out, i just realised that my low self esteem meant I somehow thought I had to fight to keep friendships, rather than knowing (like I do now), if someone wants to be in your life, they'll make the effort to be, as I always did. When I stopped calling, and my phone didn't ring back, I knew they weren't the friendships I wanted in my life. One sided relationships are damaging in all areas of life.
And where friends are concerned, it's better to have two 50p pieces, than 100 pennies.

'Better to have two 50p pieces, than 100 pennies'
I love that.

I'm confused. When a poster posts about a 'friend' insulting their children, they are told to distance themselves because they aren't a friend. She the OP does just this, she is told she is attention seeking, petty, playing games and more. I shouldn't be surprised though, this is AIBU where people like to tell people they are regardless sometimes.

OP, YANBU. I get exactly what you mean. I distanced myself from 2 friends. One we did clash and she was very frustrating, I also found her very manipulative and great at getting her own way in an underhanded way but no one else saw it and pandered to her. The other made snide digs and had a go at me because I didn't go to all of their events and days out. When I explained why (and they were very valid reasons) she didn't want to know, just told me I was petty and was only interested in having her say. I stepped back from them both but I didn't hear from the rest of the group either. If I see them they are friendly and lovely. If I initiated meeting up, they would. But they don't ever bother with me or invite me anymore and I can only conclude that they aren't real friends. Why should I be the one to do the chasing. And I do find this often. And from reading this thread, I can see why. Everyone seems to be so busy and damn important that they don't really seem that bothered if their friends are in their lives or not.

What a pp said about roles definitely makes sense. I am very organised. I end up being the ones to organise things (and nicknamed the 'social secretary' which winds me up tbh) and there are times when I don't want that role, but I get left out as a result.

I don't think u are being unreasonable to be upset, but if u are distancing yourself because u disapprove of them they possibly picked up on thAt and that's y they didn't get in touch

However, I have only 1 friend who I know will contact me with or without me contacting them first, it's a mutual friendship - my other friendships are based on me making the first move, do I like it - no have I come to accept it - yes. I don't know if it's me or the people I am "friends" with but its my reality.

I know what you mean and how you feel but I'd say that probably they aren't bothered because they didn't value the friendship anyway or enjoy your company enough. Sorry if that's harsh but I do think friendship is just as simple as that.

If your friend is making horrible comments about your dc I would say she probably doesn't like, respect or care for your friendship that much. Who knows why that friend has hung onto the 'friendship' or seeing you, maybe she isnt very good at knowing how to discourage the friendship or is happy just to see you to pass the time.

I have a friend from a group of friends who I feel is a lot more 'gushy' with our mutual friends than she is with me and sometimes makes little comments that make me feel I annoy her. We obviously have mutual friends which is why we are still in contact but I would bet my life that if we didnt and I cut contact I would never hear from her again. I would be fine with that too though as it makes me feel crap about myself!

However I have friends who I know would miss me if I disappeared and can totally understand how crap itd feel if I didnt. Sorry I don't mean that to sound smug at all but just that I understand why you are upset . I think perhaps youre just unlucky that you havent met any friends who you just really click with or spend too much time chasing people who you know deep down you arent that compatible with.

It's making mender how many friends, as in real friends, people actually have.

I mean I've always seen friendship as something that was working two ways, even if it's a very casual friendship. If then you stop calling and these people aren't bothered, why on earth are they happy to come and spend time with you in the first place? It's like they can't tell someone NO even if they aren't bothered swing that person

wondering - to clear up the confusion, I don't think anyone is saying that the distancing is dramatic/game playing. It's that after distancing she then wants them to miss her and do the running, which is not the desired outcome of someone genuinely committed to distancing. That's the drama seeking part, still wanting to continue with the relationship despite the distancing. Hope that makes sense now.

YANBU unreasonable for feeling upset OP, and you did the right thing in distancing yourself from someone who was being unkind to your DD. But she wasnt a friend really, was she? A friend wouldn't do that. Maybe this is to do with the kind of people you choose/have as friends.

Also pride and ego can be a terrible thing at times, people say they wouldn't "chase" someone who distanced but if its a really good friend, why does it even come down to chasing? A really good friend Id be on the phone to her even if we had to have it out, argue, about who was right or wrong. I wouldnt be stiff-necked about making the 1st move. & its normal to phone or message when you haven't heard from a friend in a while just to say hi, how are you. An acquaintance though, I suppose I would let drift. So its possible those you view as friends, view you as an acquaintance.

LoveBoursin has it about right

A work colleague has joined meetup groups, she's like a different person now, has a social life. & she has a DD I think one of the groups is for mums wanting to make friends with other mums. Stuff like that is good..doesnt tend to be any egos in the way, you all have the same friendship aim. Meetup groups can be a good thing for those who actually get up and go without looking for reasons not to. You havent said you are looking to make new friends but thought Id just mention it as maybe a good way to find people on the same page as you. & staying distanced from those who are not.