To not attend my daughter's wedding

[lastkisstoo]

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

Disco
It's not her dad and even if it was, when social services are involved, we're talking about a guy who needs to FOTTFSOF.

So forgive the dd for not knowing the ins and outs, politics, and general shite behind the scenes in depth.

OP says she does know. She's choosing to minimise.

We all have choices. And then we deal with the consequences.

disco it's not her dad,and he was not really much of a father figure. He is the youngest childrens dad and left after they were born.

That is what the op says.

Putting on a big frock does not mean you get to collude with child abusers or other types of abusers.

This. So much this.

If my eldest child wanted the youngest to play nicely with someone who had abused them... wow. Just wow, that anyone feels that is how it should play out. And we wonder why there are so many threads where women say their mum stayed with an abuser! This adult woman's priority should be her little sibs, not the man who abused them. She is a grown fucking woman.

If got the timeline mixed up, apologies. Easy to do when there's multiple Dads involved though.

It sounds like an impossible situation. FWIW, my parents had a very acrimonious divorce, and whilst I don't know the full details, I gather there was abuse towards my Mum. When I got married I really worried about how to deal with it, and I decided to invite my Dad to the service but not to the reception. It was the best solution I could come up with. My Dad has never forgiven me for apparently taking Mum's side but has conveniently forgotten about how he walked out and left us traumatised and penniless, whilst he went off gallivanting around the globe whilst he hid all his assets in his gf's name.

Mum wasn't overly happy about it, but she made the best of it, and if she felt uncomfortable she hid it well.

I know my situation doesn't compare to yours, but I would have hated it if my Mum had said she wasn't coming to my wedding and it would have put me in an impossible situation to choose between two parents, let alone siblings.

Is there any way that you can all attend the service, but do something else with the other dc afterwards which seems like a celebration? Go out for dinner the three of you?

At least you get to see the ceremony (all of you) but there is no likelihood of a confrontation. Churches are pretty good for avoiding people - sit on the other side of the aisle - arrive later, leave at the first possibility.

Sounds like a shit situation, but you won't forgive yourself if you don't go. Couldn't imagine not going to my daughters wedding when she is older.

Surely the best option is to leave your two youngest with someone else whilst you attend? Regardless of what's happened, she has a right to include her dad.

but I would have hated it if my Mum had said she wasn't coming to my wedding and it would have put me in an impossible situation to choose between two parents, let alone siblings.
well said.

Multiple dads that sounds like you think there are 27 or something.

Hardly it's just two. And only one has even been refered to and quite clearly as NOT the brides father.

I would have hated it if my Mum had said she wasn't coming to my wedding and it would have put me in an impossible situation to choose between two parents, let alone siblings.

But you didn't have a duty of care towards your mother. The OP does towards her abused children. So the situations just aren't comparable.

And speaking as someone with siblings 13 and 15 years younger than I am, I think the OP's eldest has a duty of care to the babies, too.

The bride here is being staggeringly selfish. This man is not her father and yet she is asking her mother to stop protecting her baby siblings, despite knowing of serious abuse, so she can have "Her Big Day". It's appalling behaviour.

Sleeponeday I specifically stated I recognised the situations weren't comparable.

This sounds like an appalling choice. Please talk to your dd, explain, really the situation and explain how desperately you would like to be there but the difficultly with your ex being there.

In the end do what is right for you and your younger children who are still suffering as a result of this man. But if you can bear to be at the service, with your younger kids, seated far from him, then I would consider that as a compromise and you could maybe consider throwing her a celebration meal or whatever after her honeymoon, if you wished to.

Good luck.

I think the bride is in a tough position too.
just because he is not her biological father, does not mean she doesn't view him as one. I'm not saying op is right or wrong but posts about him not being her father are quite offensive. She's sees him as her father figure, it doesn't matter if he isn't her real father, it's how she feels.
I don't think the dd just wants to play happy families on her wedding day either, op states that she has maintained a relationship with him, so not for show purposes or for her princess day.
I can see why the op doesn't want to go and especially take the youngest, but i don't think the dd is selfish.
She clearly loves both and shouldn't be put in the middle between her mother, him and siblings.
She sounds like a terrible dad, especially to the youngest but this is still her 'dad' who she cares about.
I wouldn't take the youngest, i would keep them far away but i would go for the eldest dd.
She may be an adult, but is still your dd.

is he giving her away? walking her up the aisle?

if so, you cant avoid him there,

Could you go watch the marriage ceremony, then go home? That is what I would do in your situation. I would ask that he be seated faraway from you in the church, and not be given a front row family section seat. The ceremony is the important part in the end.

Regardless of the awful circumstances, if you do not go to your daughter's wedding you will regret it for the rest of your life. Your daughter will always regret it too. Her wedding day is one of the most important days of your life and she may never forgive you for not being there. I hope you manage to find a way to go that is manageable to you. Good luck.

When will people fucking learn that victims of abuse shouldn't have to put their feelings aside for the sake of their abusers feelings. And that people old enough to get married should behave like grown ups

Putting on a big frock does not mean you get to collude with child abusers or other types of abusers

^ THIS

Not for the life of me can I understand the attitude that a woman must be in the presence of her abuser, a man who has also caused trauma to her children that they haven't recovered from as yes, just suck it up and be cordial, feel on edge being very careful to try to avoid the invited abuser, just because it involves a WEDDING

The fact that its her daughter getting married does not absolve him of anything, does not change the fact he is an abuser, and OP is specifically being asked to put that fact aside and go to an event at which he will be present. Some women may be strong enough for that - but a woman should never be advised that she MUST do it, or that she is any "less" for not wanting to take the chance of facing him. Why should she? Who is to say she can certainly avoid him anyway, and that he won't try to speak to her? If he does, what then? OP should be polite and amenable and smile, for the sake of the wedding?

It beggars belief that there are some occasions where its deemed ok for a woman to be around her abuser, with her feelings about it minimised ffor the sake of "doing the right thing". Its not right for the victim, is it?

She is definitely not choosing you over him. You are choosing your hate for him over her

I dont know how anyone could say ^ half an hour after the OP posted about social services involvement and her children still being in counselling because of what went on in their life.

I personally would go to the ceremony, purely because I would like to see my DD married. I would let the youngest make their own decisions without pressure either way. They are old enough to understand the significance of a wedding, and have seen how committed you are to keeping them safe. I would then take them out somewhere special to celebrate instead of going to the reception.

I would have a good friend or two primed to 'run interference' if the x tried to make any contact, making sure both DD and the younger DC'S are aware of this.

As a child I was forced to greet and socialise with my two abusers(including greeting and farewell hugs & kisses). This was, and still is, completely unacceptable. Given a choice, most gatherings I would have stayed away from, but I would have gone to my youngest Aunts wedding quite happily if I hadn't had to interact with her older brother.

Very difficult choice for you OP, and only you can decide what is right for you. Make it a happy day, no matter what you decide.

What sanity said. This thread was going in a very weird direction before sanity came on.

Abuse is horrible and the effects last for life. When a wedding happens everyone wants to forget the darker side of life and just have a happy day, but honestly OP when you spoke about prioritizing your little ones I really felt for you. You are in a difficult situation but I think your instinct is the right one. Their feelings matter, you can't put aside their feelings and leave them at home just because it's a wedding and everybody is supposed to be happy.

My cousin who was abandoned by her father invited him to her wedding to walk her down the aisle. She wanted to be walked down the aisle by her father never mind that he abused her mother and abandoned her. Very understandable, everyone wants their wedding day to be perfect and brush all the unpleasantness under the carpet. It was hard for my aunt who had raised her dc as a single mother for their whole life, and the deadbeat who never paid a single penny in child support got to walk her daughter down the aisle. Weddings turn everything upside down.

If the OP doesn't go, she is choosing her other children and herself over her older DD.

If the OP does go, by herself or with the other children, she is choosing this DD over her other two, and herself. She is forcing herself and her children, who are in counseling, to be around their abuser. Not having to talk to him doesn't stop the anxiety.

If the DD doesn't invite the OP's abuser, who is nothing to the DD, only he (and she) is hurt.

OP if your DD wants you and her DSis's there, you need to be unwaveringly clear and honest with her. She has invited a man who has abused both you and your other children (and from the sounds of it her as well). You've said she's probably forgotten how serious it was. It wasn't a petty argument, or a bitter break-up, this is a serious serious issue. It is not safe, emotionally at the very least, to attend with him there.

She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!

This shows just how much she doesn't understand. You don't want this to damage your relationship with her so if there's a way to show her or remind her of what he did, diaries, school reports, doctors visits, etc etc then show her. Remind her of the stress of waiting for him to explode. The anxiety, the tears. He doesn't have to do anything for it to be damaging to either you or your DD's.

Maybe your DD doesn't really understand in the way you think she does.

After all, it sounds like he is a good liar/manipulator- you say that you took him back once, and subsequently married him, only for it to be over within seven months because the abusive behaviour resurfaced. So, you yourself have been taken in by him before (just as could be happening to her now), and also, she may be a bit confused by some of the back and forth that happened previously.

So perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt that she just doesn't really understand, and put insome tiem to try to communicate that to her.

I do think you are right about avoiding him, and protecting your younger children. I think you got a bit demonised earlier in the thread and that was very unfair. However, I don't think the demonisation of your daughter that has followed is fair either- the only person who deserves outright condemnation is your abusive ex. He is the one who has caused all this.

Everyone else is just trying to pick up the pieces best they can. And people do make mistakes in these kind of circumstances.

What an awkward position to put you in. Would it be possible for you all to go to the wedding but not the reception an then the younger two would not feel they have held you back. Good Luck, I think you are a very brave loving mum.

• This is not about me, it is about my children that need my protection. I feel absolutely that if I do not take them but go myself they will be devastated that they are the only ones missing out on their sisters day. They already blame themselves for so much of his behaviour towards them, this will just re-inforce that if they are the ones 'punished' by being left alone while we all go.*

They are 10, they may feel like this now but they WILL understand as they get older.

I think it is easy to think that the older one can understand but the younger ones won't but how much are you going to hurt your eldest by not being there?

You don't even need to go to the reception, just go and see her be married and be in a few pics.

In fact take the younger two to the actual wedding then go out for a meal somewhere just you and your 2 youngest.

Not attending your daughter's wedding, for me, is in the unforgivable band.

Think about the message you are sending your oldest dd and everyone else who attends. You are clearly saying you don't care about your oldest, you might not see it that way but others will.

This could be the end of your relationship with dd, or at least put a strain on it for a long time.

YANBU.
I totally understand your perspective on this. Your younger DCs need to know that you are fully on their side, if you do take them along then they will be fearful of seeing their father; and your older DD is naive to the point of stupidity if she thinks that he will just ignore them, or that just being in the same room won't have any impact on them.

I think she is the one being selfish here, actually. I think you have been put in a horrible position, an unnecessarily horrible one. If the man was the father of your older DD as well, it would still be horrible but more understandable - but he's not.

Your older DD is going to be hurt and angry; but she should really be more considerate towards the feelings of her little siblings. I'm sad for you that she isn't.