To not attend my daughter's wedding

[lastkisstoo]

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

[Member251061]

Go to your daughters wedding. She's your child. Show her how amazing she is to forgive her stepdad. I know this must be very hard for all of you. Weddings are about love & new beginnings. All the very best.

[cuntycowfacemonkey]

I think it depends very much on the age of the youngest two. Does your dd have any contact with her real father? Will he be there? If your ex is the only father figure she has and they still have a relationship then I can see why she would want him there.

If your youngest are young adults then I would give them the option not to go but still go yourself.

[newname99]

You need to respect your daughter's feelings and don't make her chose.Dh's mum was like this, so angry with her ex she put her feelings ahead of everyone's.

She eventually went to the wedding and actually it helped her in her recovery, fearing the worst which didnt happen.It's one day and not a parenting competition as she hasn't chose him over you.

Go with a friend, focus on your daughter and have a wonderful time.

[lunar1]

Go without your younger two. You can't just drag step parents out of children's lives when they are adults. Their relationship is separate from you.

[lorelei9]

Hmm
Does your DD know the full story?

If you and your other chikdren went NC it seems odd that she is okay with him

[lilygirl81]

When we got married, DH was NC with his dad, and no invite was sent to him. It was felt that even if communication was restored (which it was) we still couldn't invite him as my MIL would have refused to attend. It was a really tough call, but in the end, MIL had to come first as even before the NC, she had been the most involved in his life.

Could you go but stay as far away from him as you can? Maybe your daughter can come up with some ideas. Even if you went to the ceremony but left after that, I'm sure your daughter would be happier that you were there.

[bloodyteenagers]

Does she know what happened?
How old are the children?

[roundaboutthetown]

I don't have any sympathy for her thinking it is OK to boycott her own dd's wedding. Her youngest children don't have to go (even though they have said they will), but she should. I see absolutely no good reason for her not to.

[Finallyonboard]

You decided to marry that man and have children with him - YOU brought him into your DDs life. This isn't her fault so don't punish her for a situation that has arisen because of a decision you made.

She loves him/ wants him there because you brought him into her life.

[grannytomine]

The OP say that she can't risk this and he damaged the children. None of us know what went on but it sounds serious. I don't think it is appropriate to be judging her on this, she is a mother, she knows what went on and she is the one who has to make the decision. Saying things like she is boycotting the wedding or she is black mailing her daughter isn't reasonable, turning down an invite isn't boycotting something and I didn't see anything in her post to suggest she has tried to blackmail her daughter, she hasn't said she made any demands just said she couldn't go.

[Leeds2]

In the same circumstances, I think I would go to the wedding. Your younger two DC have said they will go, so I would take them too.

[roundaboutthetown]

There is no logic whatsoever to thinking that going to your own dd's wedding is punishing your other children. They don't have to go if they don't want. Why punish your dd by saying none of you can go? That's just not true. You can go...

[SanityClause]

The thing is, young women in our society have usually been brought up to try to be "nice" and conciliatory to everyone. Coming from an abusive childhood, she will have got that message loud and clear, that it was down to her to accept her step father's nastiness. That it was probably her fault for not having been "nice" enough to him.

You don't say how old she is, but I would guess 20s? She probably has rose tinted glasses to think that if she is "nice" to everyone on her wedding day, it will all go swimmingly.

In other words, she's brushing it all under the carpet, and minimising.

If the aggression towards her siblings was extreme, then I think it needs to be spelt out to her, to let her understand why this is so difficult for you and for them.

It would be desperately sad if you didn't go, but she is a grown up and needs to understand why this is such an issue for you.

[Duck90]

You made a decision that he was good enough to be part of your daughters life, marry him and have 2 children with him. Now you think he is not suitable to be around. She cannot be expected to be on the same page as you all the time. If he is so bad, I hope her choice of husband is not based on seeing unhealthy relationships.

[grannytomine]

SanityClause you are well named.

[soapboxqueen]

Considering the op hasn't elaborated on the severity of the ex-h behaviour, I think it is breath-taking how many people think that she should just stuck it up.

If this is normal 'I don't want to be around my ex' then the op should go.

However, the situation could be very much worse and it is irresponsible to guilt trip somebody into a potentially damaging situation.

[Whendoigetadayoff]

You can't not go. It's your daughters wedding. And I'm sure your younger daughters want to see sister married. You can ignore their dad and make sure you have taxi number of you want to leave early. Why on earth would you want to spoil your daughters day - and her mum not being there will - and let your ex win over you.
If you do this you can never undo it. The rift between you will already be starting so stem it now before it gets bigger.
Say you'll go and enjoy her day and the preparation. Don't even speak about him again. He's not worth it.

[roundaboutthetown]

It's a damaging situation to refuse to go to your own child's wedding.

[SoThatHappened]

Fuck her wedding.

If she can put her abusive ex step father above her own mother and half siblings who all suffered at the hands of this man, then she needs a reality check.

If her own DH becomes abusive down the line I trust she will want your support.

[Barmaid101]

More information is definitely needed.

[roundaboutthetown]

She grew up with this abusive man and her mother did nothing to protect her. And now her mother doesn't want to go to her wedding, either. I wouldn't be seeking protection from that mother, tbh - seems like she's been failed at every turn and is now being blamed for not thinking of her half siblings.

[TheSnowFairy]

My divorced parents never saw or spoke to each other after they separated.

However, when my DD died they both came to her funeral but sat apart and didn't speak to each other. I sat with my mum and my dad sat a couple of rows back.

It can be done - please try and go.

[SoThatHappened]

She grew up with this abusive man and her mother did nothing to protect her. And now her mother doesn't want to go to her wedding, either. I wouldn't be seeking protection from that mother, tbh - seems like she's been failed at every turn and is now being blamed for not thinking of her half siblings.

That is a good point actually.

My mum did nothing to protect me when I was growing up from alot of things and she minimises it now.
I'm expected to forget everything and be nice to her because she is old.
I take it back.

[soapboxqueen]

There's no indication that the severity of the ex-h behaviour was the same throughout. He could have become much worse after the the relationship ended. Which would seem to be born out by the older dd not having a problem with him but the younger dd do.