To not attend my daughter's wedding

[lastkisstoo]

My daughter is getting married in the Summer. She has 2 half siblings (my youngest 2 dc) that still stay at home with me.
I have been divorced from youngest dc's father for 5 years. His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again.
My older daughter still has a relationship with him. She was relatively young when we got together and he was a father figure to her. He was very aggressive and shouty even then, but as an adult she has obviously forgiven him/forgotten about it and accepts him as part of her family.
She has invited him to her wedding. I am utterly devastated as it feels that she has put his feelings above her siblings. She states that she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!
I have had to tell her that we cannot attend. I cannot put my youngest two through that, and I do not feel that I can attend without them as that feels like they would be being punished in a way.
My daughter is extremely hurt and angry with me. I just do not know what to do. The younger two are aware that this is going on and have said that they will go - although I know that it is purely to save me being upset and not because they want to be around him. I just don't feel that I can risk putting them in that situation, he damaged them so much already. What kind of mum would I be if I took them along?

[lastkisstoo]

Round she did not grow up with him. When his behaviour started I put him out and he had nc with any of our family for 2 years. He came back when my youngest was 2, saying he had had anger management treatment and counselling, and certainly seemed to be a different man.
2 years later I married him, 7 months later it was over and he was out again as soon as the behaviour resumed.
I completely understand that I brought him into my daughters life, and do not blame her at all for caring about him. However sanityclause, everything you said is exactly it - thank you. She seems to have forgotten how horrible the horrible parts were, and minimises the abuse to her siblings.
The youngest two are 10, and are still in counselling to try to repair the damage caused by their dad. There has been social work and child protection involvement, such was the severity of the emotional abuse.
Please understand that it breaks my heart to even think of not being there on the most important day of her life. Little ones aside I would be there no matter what, being in the same room as him would not phase me. This is not about me, it is about my children that need my protection.
I feel absolutely that if I do not take them but go myself they will be devastated that they are the only ones missing out on their sisters day. They already blame themselves for so much of his behaviour towards them, this will just re-inforce that if they are the ones 'punished' by being left alone while we all go.

[SanityClause]

I can't believe all the victim blaming on this thread. It's now the OP's fault that her husband abused her, and her children? So now she just has to suck it up, because she stayed with him?

Well, clearly the OP gave poor messages to her DD while growing up about healthy relationships, by staying with her husband, but hopefully she can give a more positive message now, by explaining what the husband did, and why she doesn't want the younger children to be put in this difficult position.

(Disclaimer, he may just have been a bit shouty, in which case perhaps everyone can plaster on a smile for one day, and try to avoid each other. I'm doubting it though. People generally want to attend their DC's weddings. It would usually take something pretty extreme to stop that happening.)

P.S. Thanks, granny, although it's actually a quote from a Marx Bros film - "no one believes in a Sanity Clause" (Santa Clause).

[soapboxqueen]

Given that updated information, I probably wouldn't go.

[SanityClause]

Oh, xposted.

Have you spoken to her about it? There was a similar thread about a year ago, by quite a well known poster. She explained to her DD about the extreme nature of the abuse, and then all talk of the step father being invited stopped, and her DD apologised profusely.

I think sometimes we try to protect our grown children from what we hope can no longer harm them, but sometimes they just have to know.

[MistressDeeCee]

Id hate it if my DD was close to a man who was very aggressive to me. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him. She's made her choice, its the man thats the most important here - he trumps your feelings. However he is a father figure for her, thats her choice and she is entitled to it. All sounds very "you had better go, or else". With weddings come a huge sense of entitlement...

His relationship with his children was very rocky after we split, then broke down completely over a year ago due to his aggressive behaviour. They suffered a lot as a result of this behaviour, and have no wish to see him again

she doesn't think it a big deal for her younger siblings to spend the day in the same room as him - they don't have to speak to him!

^ how nice for his children he sounds lovely . & its not for your DD to choose her siblings' reaction to being in the same room as this man, nor the level to which they may or may not be upset.

God alone knows why you even allowed your DD to grow with him as a father figure. But, Id likely go to the wedding see my daughter married and ust not go to the reception. There's no need, the ceremony is the main thing so leave straight after the ceremony. No need for younger DCs to attend. Have a plan, spend the rest of the evening with them go out and do something nice together

[grannytomine]

I don't know the film SanityClause but it does suit you, a bit of Sanity doesn't go amiss and there is an awful lot of victim blaming here. Poor kids still in counselling.

[shinynewusername]

She's made her choice, its the man thats the most important here - he trumps your feelings

How'd you work that out? By the sound of it, she invited them both and wasn't expecting the OP to react as she did.

[lorelei9]

Social workers were involved? And your eldest knows this?

It sounds like she's being U. I am very sorry about this situation. Sadly weddings do make some don rose coloured glasses. Friend of mine was NC with her dad and urged by many relatives to forgive him and invite him to her wedding. She and her mum told them to fuck off.

Can you talk to your daughter about this? I think it's a horrible position to put you and your children in.

[RubyFlint]

What sanity said. Your eldest DD should hear the truth. One day she will likely have children of her own.

[maydancer]

I actually think you are being EA to your daughter in making her choose between 2 parents.

[MissingPanda]

What Sanity has said.

Mn is weird at times. A grown woman is prioritising an abusive man over her abused mum and siblings and this is acceptable because she's getting married

The victim blaming going on is disgusting.

[VimFuego101]

I would attend, regardless of his presence. If your younger kids really want to go, could you take them to the ceremony only and sit somewhere where you don't have to see him?

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

This man is not her father - he should have declined the invite -

DD should have been more aware of this fact her mother would not want him there

I would not have invited my father to my wedding - my mother did all the hard work bringing us up single handed - he didn't deserve a day out

[trufflesnout]

I think your DD is being U too. She should be empathetic to the fact that this man abused her mother and siblings - tbh I think it would be really damaging for the younger two. Isn't it a recognised phenomena that some people who witness/experience abuse become empathetic to the abuser and nonchalant towards the feelings of the abusees?

IFIWY, I would not go. Much as it would pain me not to witness my DD's wedding, I don't think I could safely or happily be in such close proximity to someone who hurt my children - least not while all other guests are carrying on being happy and jovial for the bridal couple.

[Lweji]

I really wouldn't (don't) want my child to feel they have to choose between my ex and I.

I have certainly done my best not to make my DS choose.

So, I think you are being unreasonable here in not considering her feelings and effectively stating that your dislike for this man is more important than your love for her.

She is definitely not choosing you over him. You are choosing your hate for him over her.

[MistressDeeCee]

Sorry OP I've just realised your DD didn't grow up with him technically, and that your younger DCs are in counselling. Its a horrible situation. Think hard about what you want to do. If you do eventually decide you don't want to go then I don't think you should be judged for that and again, if you don't go then do something nice with your younger DCs. Don't sit home and brood on it sounds like there has been enough stress and unhappiness as it is. Your eldest DD is an adult, has made her choice and thats her right. Just because she is getting married I can't see how its fair that you be guilt-tripped into having to be near a man who has caused family trauma. Maybe its about appearances.

In any other circumstance I think this would be deemed inappropriate in terms of having to share space with an abuser but because its a wedding it will mostly be seen as "fine".

When is a victim not a victim? Oh yes, when there's a family wedding

[Floralnomad]

Could you and the younger siblings just go for the ceremony part and sit at the back , that way you attend the actual important bit of the day but don't have any contact with other guests .

[DiscoGlitter]

It's your daughter's wedding. Suck it up.
Plus, you say yourself that he was a father figure to her growing up. Which, presumably, means that her original father had fucked off and left whilst she was still small.
Why shouldn't she want the father she has properly known at her wedding?!
Regardless of your feelings.
It's not all about you.

[sleeponeday]

I think loyalty has to go to the (minor) children abused, and not to the (adult) non-abused child who apparently doesn't think that matters.

You aren't choosing not to attend your daughter's wedding. She is choosing to make your attendance an impossibility, if you are to protect the younger ones. What sort of message would it send them if you went? That the abuse they suffered wasn't actually that bad, or that significant?

You aren't letting your eldest down. She is letting you and her younger sibs down. She's a grown woman prioritising the man who abused her baby siblings over those baby siblings and her mother, and why on earth OMG it's her WEDDING! changes that, I do not pretend to know.

I was prepared to tell you that you were being grossly unreasonable when I clicked on this thread, but then I saw that you have a choice between damaged and vulnerable children and an adult who doesn't seem to be willing to take that damage on board, and wants you to have contact with the abuser.

[AskBasil]

Jesus I can't believe the sheer fuckwittedness of some of these replies tbh.

Her kids are in counselling and social workers are involved.

No one should be told they need to go and have any contact at all with a man who has done that to their family

Whatever the circumstances.

Sounds to me like the daughter's wish to play happy families at her wedding, has taken priority over what family life should be - free of an abusive arsehole frankly.

I would go only for the ceremony and then go out with the younger kids. Can't believe that your DD is so selfish actually.

[Dolly80]

I agree with other posters who've pointed out the victim blaming on this thread. The OP has said that her ex's 'aggression' was such that her children were subject to social work involvement due to emotional abuse. I'd interpret that as being a pretty serious level of 'aggression' - whoever it was directed towards (OP and/or the younger children).

OP - If your daughter is aware of the previous history/professional involvement then I'm surprised she thinks inviting you all is feasible. However, I imagine she too is in a difficult position, particularly if she was not directly exposed to the 'aggression' and views your ex as a significant father figure. She may be being naive and I don't necessarily condone her stance but I can see how she too might feel torn.

Can you discuss with her again, explaining your various options for attending and the worries you have about each of them?

Also, did the social workers take a view re: future contact between the children and their father? If they advised against it, you'd might want to weigh up if being at the same event as him could trigger a re-referral (it probably wouldn't but given you mentioned them still being in counselling it might).

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

It sounds like DD wants to play happy families for a day and have her father figure walk her down the aisle. She wants to pretend in front of friends and colleagues that she has a normal friendly family. Is that so bad? Surely everyone can plaster on a smile and be happy for her on her big day.

[DiscoGlitter]

It's her Dad. That she wants to invite to her wedding. Which, by the OP's own admission, bogged off a few year after she was born.
So forgive the dd for not knowing the ins and outs, politics, and general shite behind the scenes in depth.
She'll just want her Dad there.
Like people do.

[sleeponeday]

Jesus I can't believe the sheer fuckwittedness of some of these replies tbh.

Her kids are in counselling and social workers are involved.

Oh, but those are trivial little details compared to a girl's right to play at princess for a day, donchaknow! Her day, her way! What's a spot of child abuse when white frocks and table plans are at stake?

Sometimes, I despair.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Ive read through this thread and I'm astounded.

This is almost the direct oppersit of the (very bloody good) advice I was given when I was in the similar situation.

When will people fucking learn that victims of abuse shouldn't have to put their feelings aside for the sake of their abusers feelings. And that people old enough to get married should behave like grown ups.

Putting on a big frock does not mean you get to collude with child abusers or other types of abusers.

op the advice I was given was be brutally honest with your DD she's grown up enough to know the details about what happened.

If she's reasonable then that will work, if it does not work then you will know you have a choice to make,but give her a chance.