AIBU to change DS's room a bit, remove posters, add some nice bits? To make it nice for visitors.

[BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate]

I really thought this would be ok. But my DD (age 17), thinks not!

So, my DS left home last September, for Uni. He is only 30 mins away by train, perhaps 40 mins by car, but nonetheless, he decided to stay in Halls, which I totally agree with. He has made some lovely friends and is having the time of his life. He does not come home at weekends, he is too busy partying! He went back to Uni after Christmas, and I haven't seen him since, (although we text daily). He and 4 friends will move in to a rented flat this July. Deposit has been paid, contract signed etc. So, I know he won't be coming home to live any time soon! I suspect never, it's a 5 year course and he wants to be in the thick of things rather than commute.

So, I thought I would remove the truly awful posters from his room, and put a nice picture up in their place. I wouldn't throw the posters away, just roll them up, in case he wants them later (he won't, imo). I thought I would also add a few niceties, like candles and stuff. Basically, to make it a nice guest room for visitors. My Sister, her DH and their 2 year old are coming in March for a weekend, and I think it would be nice to make the room more homely and remove the very scary skull posters, that would most likely freak out the 2 year old. My parents are coming in May.

DD says that if I change the room, DS might not want to come home. But the thing is, he doesn't come home! I texted him the other day asking when he might visit was secretly hoping he'd say he would visit me on Mothers Day and his reply, was that he had "no idea", and that he'd "not given it any thought, as he was having so much fun".

Surely to goodness, I don't have to keep his room "as is"? I should also say that this isn't his room since he was little. We moved in to this house when he was 16.

Tell him what you would like to do, and ask him if he could spare a day to help?

I never understood why some people are so precious about maintaining children's room like little shrines just in case they decide to pop back for a weekend.
My Mum took over "my" room completely when I went on a 6 month gap "year" after school and when I returned I no longer had a room and spent a few weeks sleeping in the spare room (my sister now had "my" room) before moving out permanently.
It's always been made clear I'm welcome home whenever I want but I never needed a room kept for me.

My dad was practically gleeful about converting my room to a guest room when I moved out. I didn't care, there was still a bed there when I wanted to visit, but I didn't feel any particular emotional attachment to a room.

I actually think it's pretty ridiculous for a room to be left untouched for the bulk of the year if it could be utilised for other purposes. I'm pretty disgusted by the DD mentioned above that left her underwear all over the floor when she went off to uni. I think that they should, at a minimum, do all their laundry and put it away, tidy up their belongings and accept that the posters of their teens may be suitably replaced by a more up to date print. It can still be their room, but leaving it in a clean and usable condition is also important (and a valuable life skill) otherwise it's just completely disrespectful.

Thing is it does depend on the student and the family. My terms were only 8 weeks long, so even assuming I went up a week early, which I often did, I was only at college 27 weeks, so home for 25. That's not untouched for the bult of the year.
Leaving it for me would not have been unreasonable, certainly wasn't leaving it "a little shrine" merely leaving it so I felt welcome back home.

Dsis said before she went to university that I was welcome to move into her (bigger) room, or dm could take it over as a guest room. When it actually came to it, she found it much harder than she thought she would. She felt it made her feel she wasn't welcome at home except as a guest ie didn't belong as family any more. She was surprised herself by this.
Thankfully dm was happy to leave it for her when she admitted that she was struggling with that.

I think this does depend, to some extent on how many times you're going to need a spare room. We don't tend to have people staying the night that often, and those that do have never minded the dses' posters being on the walls of the room they sleep in - so it was no problem for us to leave their rooms as 'theirs'.

Of course, we did tidy and clean, if guests were going to use the room/s - I tend to have a bit of a muck-out when the boys go back to university anyway.

I guess, if you are having people to stay a lot, and don't have a spare room, it makes sense to make your student dc's bedroom into more of a spare room - though I do think you should talk to them about it first - and it should still feel like their room.

Why haven't you discussed this with him?

I would be happy to remove stuff myself, but would be miffed if my parents just did it without even bothering to mention it to me. Yes it's their house, which is why I'd be happy to remove my stuff, but it just shows a bit of mutual respect if you could, y'know, communicate like an adult.

I did this with my sons room about a month after he left for uni last Sept.

He had previously said in discussions that when he went to uni he would consider himself left home and would hope to go onto his own place after if things all worked out. Therefore I discussed making a spare room with him and he was ok. There was also nothing of his to remove as he took practically everything he owned! He has a weekend job where he is studying and so therefore can't visit most holidays, so it made sense to make the most of the space. When he IS back, it is his as always and it once again becomes a dump lol, and that is his prerogative.

I have also told him that if he does come back after studying finishes for whatever reason, we will fund total redecoration as he wants it, be it black from wall to wall, no restraints, so he can reclaim it.

I'd box his stuff neatly and respectfully, take down posters, and leave it at that. New nice bedding is enough for guests. Let DS know what you plan to do. Then slowly if he really doesn't come back you can bring in changes like candles etc or even a lick of paint. Don't be a bull in a china shop though, most students still consider mum and dad's house to be home and it can leave you feeling homeless if your lease is up and you have to come back to a guest room.

And agree with Ceebie, give him chance to box his own things up if you can.

Is it his room or not? If it's his room then leave it as it is.

My mum changed my room too, I never moved back after uni and now there's a nice guest room if I stay. Do it.

I'd do as you wish, he'll have moved on from those interests anyway. It's still his room for when he comes home but it could be made more neutral imo.

Dear God there are some really precious posters on this thread. "Devastated"? FFS!

Just call and tell him what you're thinking of doing and see what he says. One thing I'd suggest is that you don't go through his things in his absence as he could legitimately see that as invasion of privacy. Maybe suggest you do it together next time he's home (but don't for God's sake use it as a reason to make him come home). That said, if you just want to take down the posters and stick a few candles in there you can always just do that and then put it back to how he had it in advance of any visit. Though as a PP said, if he was that fussed about the posters he's have taken them with him.

The most important thing is that he knows he has a HOME with you when he needs it. A home, not a room.

It only took 1 term at University for my teenage bedroom to feel like it was part of a person I had left far behind. Can't understand all this sentimentality.

if you paint it neutral, remove posters but keep them if he wants them. You could put new bedding on and candles out.Then when you know he's coming home you can switch bedding and put any candles away if he's averse to them. 10 min job at the most!

I think the room now has to have multiple uses. So guest room come sons room when he stays plus study or what ever

Witchend If you were using it for 25 weeks of the year, then its different. I'm referring to the rooms that are left exactly as is for children who perhaps return for a week or two over Christmas.

I wouldn't change it. If the posters are horrid then take them down for the guests then put them back

Hmm. I'd ask him about it first, as you don't want him to feel pushed out. On the other hand my old room at my mum's house remained unchanged for about 12 years after I left, and it felt a bit like a weird sort of shrine. It STILL hasn't really changed that much, it's not fit to be a guest room really. It is a tricky one.

Jessie - I can understand why some people would feel devastated - I'm guessing they feel that when their parents take over their room, they are telling them they aren't welcome at home any more - it's not really their home any more. I'm sure that's not what the vast majority of parents are thinking - but feelings aren't always logical (nor do they have to be, IMO).

Of course not everyone is going to feel that way, but that doesn't make their feelings any less valid. Maybe there are some things that would really upset you that wouldn't bother me at all - but I wouldn't use that as a reason to say your feelings were not as valid as mine.

I think yanbu, but ask him first what he wants to keep and wants to sort out himself.

STDG firstly, to say one would be "devastated" by the redecoration of a room is to cheapen the concept of devastation. It's drama queenery. The word should be saved for actual tragedy.

Secondly, the "devastated" crew are perfectly happy to consider their feelings sufficiently universal to the extent that they warn the OP definitively that she must not do it or risk "devastating" her son. so your criticism applies as much to them as to me.

If I was in your circumstances i would have the view that he had moved out and it was no longer his room. I'd ask him if he minded me making some changes out of courtesy and make it clear he was welcome home whenever he wanted

I actually can't remember the timescale in which my mum made changes to my childhood room. When I left for uni, I didn't really go back, apart from the in the summer between first and second year. I was on a four year course, and I stayed in my uni town for most of the other holidays because I had a job there. In fact, I still live there now, 10 years on. I was never made to feel unwelcome at home, but realistically it is a small house, and leaving everything as it was wouldn't have been a good use of the space.

I would try to let him know that, while it will always be HIS room as a place he can come home to, given that he is now living away from home and plans to live away for summer also, you need to be able to use HIS room for guests on occasion. And in that context, while you don't want to make wholesale changes to HIS room, which will always be HIS, it would be nicer for guests to have something slightly more everyday to wake up to than some of his posters.

I wonder, is there any way to frame the posters, so that side 1 is his stuff, but side 2 is nice pictures you'd like, and you can both just turn them around to suit the current resident of the bed?

But certainly reassure him that you aren't throwing everything out, will keep the posters (offer to post them to him if he wants!), and keep most of his things as they are but perhaps make some space at the end of the wardrobe/on a shelf/1 drawer for visitors to use, and perhaps put out a couple of slightly more "guestlike" bits - that he could put into said "visitor space" when he is in residence (like pot pourri into the drawer ).

Is that the 'some people have real problems, how dare you be upset by such a minor thing' argument, Jessie? People are different, and just because you don't find something devastating, or consider it worthy of an extreme reaction, doesn't mean other people won't genuinely feel that way. You don't get to deny their feelings.

And, as I have said on the thread, I don't think it's unreasonable to use the absent student's room for guests, or to tidy it and clean it if necessary, but that communication is important, and a few posters on the wall have never bothered the guests in our house who've used one of the dses' rooms to sleep in.

There is never going to be one hard-and-fast rule about what parents do with their student dc's room in their absence, but personally, I'd rather be a bit too careful of my dses' feelings than hurt their feelings.