AIBU to change DS's room a bit, remove posters, add some nice bits? To make it nice for visitors.

[BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate]

I really thought this would be ok. But my DD (age 17), thinks not!

So, my DS left home last September, for Uni. He is only 30 mins away by train, perhaps 40 mins by car, but nonetheless, he decided to stay in Halls, which I totally agree with. He has made some lovely friends and is having the time of his life. He does not come home at weekends, he is too busy partying! He went back to Uni after Christmas, and I haven't seen him since, (although we text daily). He and 4 friends will move in to a rented flat this July. Deposit has been paid, contract signed etc. So, I know he won't be coming home to live any time soon! I suspect never, it's a 5 year course and he wants to be in the thick of things rather than commute.

So, I thought I would remove the truly awful posters from his room, and put a nice picture up in their place. I wouldn't throw the posters away, just roll them up, in case he wants them later (he won't, imo). I thought I would also add a few niceties, like candles and stuff. Basically, to make it a nice guest room for visitors. My Sister, her DH and their 2 year old are coming in March for a weekend, and I think it would be nice to make the room more homely and remove the very scary skull posters, that would most likely freak out the 2 year old. My parents are coming in May.

DD says that if I change the room, DS might not want to come home. But the thing is, he doesn't come home! I texted him the other day asking when he might visit was secretly hoping he'd say he would visit me on Mothers Day and his reply, was that he had "no idea", and that he'd "not given it any thought, as he was having so much fun".

Surely to goodness, I don't have to keep his room "as is"? I should also say that this isn't his room since he was little. We moved in to this house when he was 16.

SDTG - absolutely makes sense if your DS was still spending 50% of his time at home. I think I spent about a week out of an entire year actually sleeping at my parents' house after I turned 18! I used to visit during the day and go back to my own place at night, so had moved out really which they knew.

If he can't be bothered to pop over for mothers day (even if for a short while) or have any plan in mind to, why not?! Bloody hell, respect goes both ways.
I'm sure you are helping him out financially too with uni or in any way possible, he could at least come and say 'hello' if he's only 40 mins away!

It must depend on the person. Some DC would hate it and some wouldn't mind at all.
A relative's DD shared a bedroom at home with her sister and once she left for Uni the sister now has the room the way she likes it, and the older DD doesn't mind at all when she comes back.

Talk to your DS and ket him know what you want to do and suggest he comes home for a weekend to box up anything private for him to reopen when he returns.

Mum didn't redecorate my room until I was a postgraduate student (so living away all year round), PILs still haven't redecorated DH's bedroom, it's like a shrine and he's in his 40s. But as you might imagine a 40something man has parents who are very elderly and should really have moved to a smaller house years ago.

Another one in the camp of not leaving rooms as they are. My DS room is a health hazard and I will be very keen to reclaim it once he leaves for uni.

You sound like you have ishoos thickandthin

Also, not everyone is in a position where they can afford to retain DC rooms once they go to uni. My SIL had to get foreign language students in when her DS went to uni as she couldn't have kept the house otherwise. DS had to sleep on a sofabed some visits. It was that or lose the house entirely. Needs must and all that.

I left for uni and never looked back. I would have thought it a bit needy and desperate if my room had been left exactly as it was, never redecorated etc.

Have you actually asked your DS OP? You may find he isn't remotely bothered about his room being made fit for human consumption.

It's your house but it's his stuff. I suggest you have a chat and explain now he is not living at home his room will be used for more general things, like guests staying. Does he want to sort out and box up some of the stuff, which means coming home at some point, or is he happy for you to do it.

Make it really clear you want him to come home, want to see him etc.

I think it is perfectly fine for the room to be used by other people but be sensitive to him.

Just talk to him and see what you think after. Give him a call and tell him you're having visitors and are thinking about taking down the posters, keeping them for him of course and putting in some new pictures/ redecorating/ whatever but it'll always be a room for him. If he ever needs it he'll take priority and he'll have a bed under your roof no matter what. My parents changed my room about after I left but I could always come back and stay/ live with them, what's the big deal? You're not changing his room to the lodger's and he must never return!

This is your SON you are talking about! He has not moved out, he is in full time education away from home. I am forever reading posts on here that your children are adults from their 18th birthday and should move out and be self-sufficient.

Before he moved on to this stage of his education, what did you do when your sister came to stay? Do the same thing now!

This is his home until he has a job and moves into somewhere else. Student accommodation is not home!

i currently have one in student accom, one away on a gap year and one still here. For ALL of them, this is home, somewhere they have their own space and no one is moving their stuff and where they can come as a bolt hole.

Leave his room alone unless you ask him if you can take down some posters so as not not to upset his little cousin.

I told my dd I was doing this, and I did - she was rather astonished, but it DID need doing. I got a huge piece of MDF, painted it the same as the walls, and covered it with lots of her memorabilia, so it's still her room, but prettied it up a bit, too. It's been over 8 years since she moved out, but as most of the time she's been only 30 miles away, she's only stayed over a few nights a year. It had only been her room for a few years, as it had been ds' room until he went to uni.

Jolse - for me, it wasn't about the amount of time ds1 was spending here, it was more that I didn't feel he had left home at that point - as thisagain says, university isn't permanent, so home is still home, otherwise they aren't truly permanent anywhere, and that would be a rather unsettling feeling.

I should say, though, that I did tidy up and sanitise this room when he went off to university each term. He knew that I was going to do this, and had the opportunity to put away anything precious.

I thought it was perfectly reasonable to clean and tidy, but I didn't take down any posters - as another poster has said, most occasional guests could cope with ds1's posters - and the occasional guests were not going to be spending as long in there as he would, in the vacations. Sorry - too many posters in that sentence!

I can't even get into DD room for her belongings and she is at uni but in halls, she was back for a month at Christmas, will be back for a month at Easter and unless she finds a placement back for 3 months in the summer. That's almost half the year. Next year she will live in a shared house, but as it is at the other end of the country i will still only expect her to take what she needs not all her stuff. Her room is exactly as she left it, down to the piles of washing on the floor, these are delicate wash line dry items which I will do when the weather changes. She would hate it if I changed her room and be very upset so I won't but then I want her to come back as often as she wants.

The day I left home my DP redecorated my room and DB moved in, however I was in my 20's moving to the next town to my own house, so I didn't mind.

If my sister had thought it would stop me coming home she would have bricked up my rooms door

I'm doing exactly the same as you OP.
Seems daft to have a pretty uninhabitable room in the house, and then have nowhere for guests to stay. I'm decorating ds's room into much more of a neutral 'guest room' look now he's not using it for much of the year.

I would have been devastated if my parents did this.

My parents moved house when I went to uni and so I didn't have a room in their new house. It never bothered me, I actually rarely went home in the holidays generally staying in my student house, with my boyfriend or off on trips somewhere. I did 3 back to back degrees taking 8 years it would have been weird if my parents had kept a particular room for me all that time especially as in my final year I married DH.
Personally I would give him the option to come home for the weekend to put some stuff away (maintains privacy), but make it clear that although he's welcome anytime, you need the space when he's not there. Tell him its happening though I wouldn't just do it and leave it as a surprise for when he visits.

Doh, yet another thing Ive done that puts me in the crap parent camp! I really should stop reading MN. My four DC are at uni and three of their rooms are now beautiful guest rooms. Repainted, new curtains and NO junk. Their chests of drawers are mostly empty and about half of their wardrobes are empty . I did two of their rooms within 6 months of them leaving for uni but I really excelled with DC4 because I did her room before she left. It was easier because she could tell me what she wanted to keep and what I could chuck. I kept DC2's room as is because he is more of a homebody and has more bits and bobs than his brother and sisters I'm not a complete bitch

DC4 told me that clearing out her room at home helped her settle at uni. I can promise that non of my kids were 'devestated'. Maybe they are less into 'stuff' than other kids as we have moved around quite a lot during their childhood.

My DH and I are staying with his elderly mum this weekend and I'm sleeping in his old bedroom - it hasn't been changed since he left home 30 years ago Its got quite the 70's vibe.

Backforgood - the OP can still use her son's room as a spare room when he's not there, without taking out the things that make it 'his'. It doesn't have to be uninhabitable, just because it's got his stuff in it, and his posters on the wall.

All of the dses know that, when they go off to halls, I will go in and muck out their rooms - get rid of the rubbish, do the washing, clean up etc - so the rooms are nice for them to come home to and are perfectly OK for visitors to sleep in too.

I don't think anyone's saying that it's wrong to use the absent student's room as a spare room - I certainly don't think that - but you can use it as a spare room without stripping out their stuff.

SDTG - that's going to depend on the state of the room. My ds's room was last decorated when he was going through "that" phase and it's all dark colours, which, as it's a big room with a relatively small window, doesn't work that well for anyone else. It's then got 101 different little tears in the paper where he's put posters up and taken them down carelessly - oh, and two holes where he's damaged the plaster.

This is our house and our home, I don't think it's unreasonable to want the rooms to look habitable. I never said anything about stripping out his stuff. It will still have books and soft toys and lego and his camp stuff and other bits he's not got with him at University in there, it will just look nicer all round.
Same with the OP I should imagine - she's already said the current skull posters he has on the wall would be like to freak out the two yr old who is coming to stay. Nowt wring with making it nice - indeed, now, when he's home his girlfriend tends to stay too, and I think it's a bit nicer for her too

Of course you can do what you like to his room ! He is an adult and can understand that you need the room for other purposes.

In most parts of the world people can't afford to keep rooms sitting empty so it's just a first world issue.

Don't you think that Glee was perhaps being a bit tongue in cheek?!

Three people on this thread have used the word shrine , so no, I don't think the comment was tongue in cheek.

I would have been devastated if my parents did this.
You would have been devastated if your parents had removed a few posters and allowed other people to stay in your room while you were at uni? Really?

Of course it's a 'first world problem'. The OP and her son live in the 'first world', and it's not really very relevant to their relationship (which is what we are fundamentally talking about) that other people in other countries have different issues.

Also we don't know how old the ds actually is but I'd not say that someone in their first year at university (especially if living in halls) is a full adult in many ways, to me part of the purpose of university is to assist with the transition to adulthood. First year in halls and you are pretty much fully supported, depending on the set up with food, supervision etc.

OP talk to your ds, let him know about the visitors and ask him if he'd prefer to come home and take down his posters or if he is OK for you to do so. As it's not been his room for long he may well not be massively attached to it's decor, but you never know. I'd really not do any more than that though, at least not until he moves into his shared house in July.

At the moment everything is all going swimmingly for him at university, but it might well not take much for that to change. An essay crisis, a bout of ill health, friendship issues, rejection etc and he might well feel the need to be back home. Also bear in mind your dd's feelings, presumably she'll be off soon too, it might make her feel very insecure to feel that you'd do the same to her.

Annie - yes I would. This happened to my DH and he felt unloved and pushed out. It still impacts his relationship with his parents now many years on. I think you are not 'getting' how being at uni you haven't left home yet and are very much still resident at your family home.

Primaryteach87 - that's not true for everyone, everybody is going to be different.
When I left for uni I very much had left home and wasn't resident at the family home and I was completely fine with that for me it was a very welcome step to independence. I asked DH how he felt (his dad turned his room into an office with a bed in it when he left) and he said he wasn't fussed either way.
Having a room enshrined the way we had it when we left wouldn't have been what made us feel welcome in the family home it was the attitude of the family.