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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to change DS's room a bit, remove posters, add some nice bits? To make it nice for visitors.

106 replies

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 27/02/2016 21:27

I really thought this would be ok. But my DD (age 17), thinks not!

So, my DS left home last September, for Uni. He is only 30 mins away by train, perhaps 40 mins by car, but nonetheless, he decided to stay in Halls, which I totally agree with. He has made some lovely friends and is having the time of his life. He does not come home at weekends, he is too busy partying! He went back to Uni after Christmas, and I haven't seen him since, (although we text daily). He and 4 friends will move in to a rented flat this July. Deposit has been paid, contract signed etc. So, I know he won't be coming home to live any time soon! I suspect never, it's a 5 year course and he wants to be in the thick of things rather than commute.

So, I thought I would remove the truly awful posters from his room, and put a nice picture up in their place. I wouldn't throw the posters away, just roll them up, in case he wants them later (he won't, imo). I thought I would also add a few niceties, like candles and stuff. Basically, to make it a nice guest room for visitors. My Sister, her DH and their 2 year old are coming in March for a weekend, and I think it would be nice to make the room more homely and remove the very scary skull posters, that would most likely freak out the 2 year old. My parents are coming in May.

DD says that if I change the room, DS might not want to come home. But the thing is, he doesn't come home! I texted him the other day asking when he might visit was secretly hoping he'd say he would visit me on Mothers Day and his reply, was that he had "no idea", and that he'd "not given it any thought, as he was having so much fun".

Surely to goodness, I don't have to keep his room "as is"? I should also say that this isn't his room since he was little. We moved in to this house when he was 16.

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 27/02/2016 22:05

Just ask him what he thinks?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/02/2016 22:05

Totally agree blackcat. He's at university, that's all. He could well be back home once his course has finished. It's his room.

RiverTam · 27/02/2016 22:05

Where do you think he's going to live during the very long holidays? Sorry, but I think it's a crappy thing to do. You're basically saying that he's a guest is his own home.

ScarletOverkill · 27/02/2016 22:05

Have you told him this is what you want to do? I would let him know first

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/02/2016 22:05

Joise - he's a student. That lease will expire.

blackcatwhitewhiskers · 27/02/2016 22:06

And I am almost positive that in order to do that he will have needed to provide his address which will be his parents'. :)

But others see it differently and that's fine, but I do remember that sense of rejection and it really hurt to be honest and I won't do it to my own children.

gleekster · 27/02/2016 22:06

YANBU. I wonder what DDs reasons are for wanting DS room to stay like a shrine?

Either she is really missing her brother, or she is selfishly thinking that you will do the same to her room?

My DD leaves for uni this year and I reckon she will want hers left as a shrine Angry

JolseBaby · 27/02/2016 22:07

I think feeling welcome is more down to her DS knowing that he can come back if he needs to, rather than maintaining a room that he doesn't sleep in anymore on the off-chance that he might come round. OP hasn't seen him since Christmas and has no idea when she might next see him. If she had plenty of spare rooms then it would no doubt not be an issue, but in practical terms if she has visitors on a fairly regular basis then it makes sense to turn the bedroom into a guest room for visitors - including her son - to stay in. If he decides to move back in FT in the future then the room can become his again if necessary.

JolseBaby · 27/02/2016 22:09

Gleek - probably a bit of both. I think the kids who want their rooms left untouched are probably still at that stage where they have a bit more maturing to do. They're desperate to go off and do all the glamorous looking adult things which are all very exciting, but they want the psychological comfort blanket of knowing they can come back to how it used to be, if they don't like it or if it doesn't go as planned.

WhirlwindHugs · 27/02/2016 22:10

I am in the take them down (and send him a didn't want to scare the 2yo text) but don't put your own stuff up camp.

I think it's still 'his' room until he stops coming home for the summer.

futuremrsstinson1 · 27/02/2016 22:11

I'd ask OP. Before I left home six months ago my brothers room was kept as a shrine and he hadn't lived at home for 8 years. Maybe came home 10 days out of the year and really wasn't bothered- in fact the past 2 times he stayed he slept in the guest bedroom as it was more presentable for him and his girlfriend. Yet his bedroom stayed the same. I doubt he still wants the topless poster of some random porn star from FHM 2007 somehow. Yet Mum insists on keeping it there.

My room however was immediately turned into the office. not at all bitter and feeling second best. It hurt if i'm honest- i'm not going to stay there apart from Xmas or maybe Easter/birthdays but the fact my Mum has kept my brothers the same and changed mine has stung me a little bit.

JolseBaby · 27/02/2016 22:11

I know he's a student and the lease will expire. Mine did when I was a student. I either renewed the lease, or moved somewhere else. Assuming - on the off-chance - that he lets the lease expire for the summer and decides to come home for a bit, he'll only be there for the holiday and when term starts again he'll be off.

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes · 27/02/2016 22:11

I was absolutely distraught when my mum did this to me.

peggyundercrackers · 27/02/2016 22:12

It's strange you text him every day but haven't told him your plans for changing his room - I only say his room because that's what you called it...

I would speak to him first and see what he says then go from there, I wouldn't change a room to accommodate short term visitors though, I'm sure 2yr olds don't get scared of pictures on a wall...

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/02/2016 22:12

Every other month doesn't sound like regular visitors though.

I'm not going to agree so better off the thread. But I wouldn't have wanted my room taken away by my mum, and I won't be doing it for my DSes. Their rooms are here as long as we live in our/their house. Their well being is far more important than a couple of nights the visitors would spend here. We have guests, but they know they are sleeping in ds1 room, or ds2 room (from September) not a 'guest' room.

Sparklingbrook · 27/02/2016 22:12

I think it's important that he knows he always has a room to come back to but at 17/18 should be able to understand that needs mean that you want to utilise his room when he's not there.

RiverTam · 27/02/2016 22:12

DH's parents kept his childhood room as that until he was in his 30s (he didn't live at home). Mine redecorated when I was still at uni. Kind of mirrors both of our relationships with our parents.

newmumwithquestions · 27/02/2016 22:13

Please talk to him about it. I think YANBU but you just need to make sure he doesn't feel pushed out.

Over 20 years ago when I went to uni my parents got rid of my piano. To be fair I hardly ever played it and they had bought it for me in the first place (I was 6 when they bought it) but I was still upset about it!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/02/2016 22:13

'Shrine' fucking hell, glad I'm not yiur Dd gleekster. Have some empathy.

JolseBaby · 27/02/2016 22:15

I think it's all in the asking. If OP asks and her DS is fine with it, then happy days. If he would prefer she didn't, then she can decide how she wants to proceed. I genuinely wasn't bothered by losing my room - and I didn't get asked, it just wasn't there the next time I went home!! Mind you we lived in quite a small house and my Mum had spent years getting out and putting away all of her sewing things, so I was happy for her that she'd finally got a craft and sewing room where she could keep her things. However that's just my view and there's nothing to say that I'm right Grin

JolseBaby · 27/02/2016 22:17

Don't you think that Glee was perhaps being a bit tongue in cheek?! Confused

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/02/2016 22:18

Not necessarily, judging by all the other posts. I'm finding it shocking tbh.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/02/2016 22:19

I'm sorry, BlueEyes, but I wouldn't change his room yet. We've been through this with ds1 - he graduated last summer and has now moved out properly, but whilst he was at university, this was still his home, and his room was still his, so we didn't change it - in fact, ds2 wanted to move into ds1's room, but we said no.

We did use his room for guests when he wasn't there, and we did tidy it up - but it was still his.

Now he's moved out, ds2 has moved into ds1's old room, and ds2's old room is now a proper spare room.

I don't think it was a sign of ds1's immaturity - he was not an immature young man - but as he was spending about half the year at home, he still believed this was his home - and I wouldn't have changed that without asking him.

thisagain · 27/02/2016 22:21

I know my DD (21) who is now back from uni and back in her room would have hated it and been very upset. I personally think kids should have a room in their house until they have decided to permanently leave and uni isn't permanent. In fact, with the length of uni holidays, my DD was home 5 1/2 months of the year. My DN is still at uni and his bedroom is also untouched and would be very upset if it was changed. In his mind, that is his home and his permanent bedroom but his uni one is just where he needs to be to study temporarily. So personally, I wouldn't touch it but it may not bother him at all!

Cel982 · 27/02/2016 22:23

They're just posters! They can go back up again before he comes home if he's really bothered. And candles and things are not generally immovable once placed in position.

Of course YANBU to neaten the place up for guests who are going to be staying there. I would text your son and say "Going to take down some of your scarier posters before Tiny Tim comes to stay - will keep them all safe so they can go back up whenever you return to us!"