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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to send teen home?

32 replies

Patchworkrainbow123 · 27/02/2016 17:00

DS (15) has a friend over for the weekend, seems a nice lad so im not blaming him for any of this.

Boys have headed out to play football and I come up stairs and there is a distinct smell of smoke. Quick look around my sons rooms and I find tobacco and a make shift yoghurt pot ash tray! This was in my sons drawer so he can hardly blame his friend.

I just dont know what to do. My DS has really changed this last few months and I knew something shifty was going on at times. TBH i think the tobacco is just the tip of the iceberg! He has admitted to 'trying' weed and part of me thinks he is telling me all this so I can stop him but then again we have a close relationship and Im worried if I come down too hard on him he will stop confiding in me.

I want to send his friend home the minute they get back but I dont want to embarrass my son either or make things difficult as he hasn't found friendship groups easy. My DH works away so I cant ask him for advice.

WWYD??

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 27/02/2016 17:04

To be honest, I don't think one more day is going to make any difference.
Stay calm, try not to throttle your son, and have a good chat to him once his friend has gone.
( TBH, if this is the worst you get with a teenage boy, you will think yourself lucky in years to come!)

LaurieLemons · 27/02/2016 17:09

I wouldn't send him home, you'll only embarrass your DS I think. Has he been hanging around with new people lately? Do you know how he could have gotten the tobacco? I would have chat with him after the friend leaves.

starry0ne · 27/02/2016 17:14

I would remove the yoghurt pot..Say nothing keep him wondering for the next 24 hours ..Then talk to him.

Original poster
Patchworkrainbow123 · 27/02/2016 17:14

Thank you both. I know he is trying to get into a new friendship group and I think its seen as 'cool' to smoke along with go to parties, drink and use drugs. I'm at such a loss with this and have no one in RL to ask.

OP posts:
Gingersnap83 · 27/02/2016 17:14

I think you shouldn't send friend home. It just make son resent you and make him clam up more. Have a talk with him tomorrow. Naicehamshop Is right though, hopefully this will be the worst you get.

Original poster
Patchworkrainbow123 · 27/02/2016 17:16

Yes Starry I think thats what im going to do. He will know I know for the next 24 hours. Then what...stop pocket money, ground him, do nothing...god i've no idea how to handle this one

OP posts:
Original poster
Patchworkrainbow123 · 27/02/2016 17:17

I think its going to get worse tbh. He told me last night that he has tired weed 'about 15 times'. I honestly dont know if its good that he feels about to tell me, wether he is gauging my reaction for bigger news or wether he want me to stop him

OP posts:
teeththief · 27/02/2016 17:18

I would remove the yoghurt pot..Say nothing keep him wondering for the next 24 hours ..Then talk to him.

This ^^ I'd also wait a couple of hours once his friend has gone to give him the chance to fess up (I don't have teens yet though!)

AlpacaLypse · 27/02/2016 17:19

Not quite the same, but one of the dds friends on a sleep over left his bag half open downstairs. While scooping up some of the (endless) trail of used mugs, I saw very clearly a pack of tobacco in the top of his bag.

I haven't said anything, they're all 17.

But I would if it took place indoors. To me that's really disrespectful.

Naicehamshop · 27/02/2016 17:19

Talk to him, calmly. I know this is easier said than done, but you will get more out of him like this than by having a massive rant. Good luck!

NantucketNightbird · 27/02/2016 17:22

Yes I agree, remove the yogurt pot and tobacco plus spray lots of air freshener. Ds will think oh shit and you can talk it out when the friend leaves.

Passthedietcoke · 27/02/2016 17:22

Trying weed 15 times isn't trying - it's using weed.

As a teen I really pushed the boundaries, but I would never disrespect my parents home by actually smoking in it.

Don't give him anymore money. That's what stopped me. If he wants to smoke weed or fags, then he is using pocket money to do it, and that's not right.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 27/02/2016 17:29

Trying weed 15 times isn't trying - it's using weed.

^^this, with bells on. I've tried whisky. I don't like it. Haven't tried it again.

YY to removing the pot, spraying some air freshner and saying nothing until the friend goes.

On the plus side, it sounds like your son is being honest, even if he's trying to soften the blow by saying he's 'trying' weed rather than smoking it socially or possibly habitually.

The friend being there gives you a day to think though...what are you prepared to do? How far would you take it?

Orda1 · 27/02/2016 17:31

Act now because he goes off the rails completely.

Tram10 · 27/02/2016 17:32

Smoking in his bedroom is a fire hazard.

Original poster
Patchworkrainbow123 · 27/02/2016 17:33

Thanks all.

Im prepared to take it as far as it needs to go. Grounding, no pocket money, removal of gadgets etc. I just dont know how best to handle it. I dont want to go so far as he rebels more but I dont want him to think im a soft touch either. I also want to keep communication between us open though Im not sure how to do this as I do have a very real problem with him smoking

OP posts:
user7755 · 27/02/2016 17:34

Move the yoghurt pot, don't say anything.

When friend has gone, sit down with son. Explain that smoking in the house is not acceptable, if he chooses to do it outside the house that is his prerogative but he will have to pay for it himself.

In terms of the weed, do you think he is sensible? A lot of people use it socially and never go on to anything else, some people it becomes a gateway drug for other things, some people get very, very unwell on it. I would talk to him about the risks, ask what he intends to do about it, explain concerns that I have and leave it with him, explaining that if he has any questions or concerns he can come back and talk to me about it. I would make it clear that I don't like it and won't support it (or again, allow it in the house), but trust him to do the right thing. FWIW if he is having friends over and going out to play football, it doesn't sound like it's affecting his MH at the moment.

Passthedietcoke · 27/02/2016 17:35

Honest, calm conversation is the best way to do it. He will feel utterly shamed. Remembered when my mum found my cigs and I was mortified at the calm way she dealt with it

Simply say the money is now gone, the gadgets are gone. Let's have some honesty and respect.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 27/02/2016 17:35

I'd be more concerned that he's using a plastic pot as an ashtray and then putting /hiding it in a drawer of clothes. A friend of ours burned his house down with a spliff end in a plastic rubbish bin when we were 15....

Jessbow · 27/02/2016 17:35

Take the pot away, say nothing until fried has gone. Produce pot again to son tomorrow and say ''lets talk..........''

What do you think they have been smoking?

velourvoyageur · 27/02/2016 17:40

I don't think you should remove it & not say anything about it - why would you want him to feel on edge? Then you might as well send the other kid home because he won't be able to enjoy anything anyway.

you don't 'use' weed btw
(snarky teenager in me raising its head, sorry!)

Loqo · 27/02/2016 17:42

Id get a smoke detector for his bedroom - one that can't be tampered with.

You can buy cheap disposable drug testing kits on Amazon.

Original poster
Patchworkrainbow123 · 27/02/2016 17:43

Its tobacco i think..I know the smell of weed (occupational hazard).

Thanks all, I feel MUCH calmer now. No I dont think he is sensible, i think he is pretty immature. I also think he is a bit lost at the moment and looking to fit in and is hell bent on getting with the 'cool' crowd.

I am going to wait until tomorrow then confront him. Im especially affronted by the smoking in the house. Will not be funding tobacco or weed so pocket money will stop with immediate effect.

OP posts:
Abbinob · 27/02/2016 17:43

Stopping pocket money is fair. It's your money if you don't want it spent on tobacco that's completely fair to do

Floralnomad · 27/02/2016 17:47

When they get back I would say to the pair of them in a kind of 'off the cuff' way ,if you are going to smoke could you please not do it in the house . Making a big scene about it will only encourage them to think it's 'cool' . When the friend goes home you can then have a conversation about what is and isn't allowed at home , ranting will not stop teens smoking and neither will taking away their electronics . The best way to know what is going on is to treat them as you would an adult .

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