AIBU to send teen home?

[Patchworkrainbow123]

DS (15) has a friend over for the weekend, seems a nice lad so im not blaming him for any of this.

Boys have headed out to play football and I come up stairs and there is a distinct smell of smoke. Quick look around my sons rooms and I find tobacco and a make shift yoghurt pot ash tray! This was in my sons drawer so he can hardly blame his friend.

I just dont know what to do. My DS has really changed this last few months and I knew something shifty was going on at times. TBH i think the tobacco is just the tip of the iceberg! He has admitted to 'trying' weed and part of me thinks he is telling me all this so I can stop him but then again we have a close relationship and Im worried if I come down too hard on him he will stop confiding in me.

I want to send his friend home the minute they get back but I dont want to embarrass my son either or make things difficult as he hasn't found friendship groups easy. My DH works away so I cant ask him for advice.

WWYD??

How is the rest of his life? Is he ok at school? Is he respectful of others? Good relationships with family members etc?

It is possible to smoke weed and have a normal, good life. I know it's not ideal but it doesn't necessarily mean that he's going to turn into something about of Trainspotting.

Unless you plan on removing all access to cash permanently, there's probably only so much you can do. (I was this teen many years ago).

I'd definitely ban it in the house though.

Do not ground him, yell at him, rant or rave! It will make things so much worse! Just a calm comment over breakfast that smoking kills millions of people every year is sufficient. Totally normal to experiment with smoking and drugs, imo. God, even I smoked pot and cigs and I was the dux of the school, prefect, sports captain etc.

I'd remove the yoghurt pot and when they come in I'd hold it up and simply say to both of the "There is no smoking in this house". Then I'd fasten a beady eye on DS and say "We will be discussing this later".

I live in a very old (by US standards) wooden farm house out in the country where there are no fire hydrants. We don't even burn candles in the house.

go carefully ,op. Do not back your son into a corner with either or demands unless you are able to live with equally extreme reactions from him-espec as he is a teenager. Work with him and stretch your boundaries to accomodate his experimentation and try to reach a genuine agreement so that he will work with you too. Writing is slower than talking and can be edited before it is sent. I suggest you email your son to begin this dialogue and whatever he sends back to you, do not fire off a response without rewriting it to remove any trigger that cd spark a firestorm. Take as long as possible and slowly reach an agreement that both of you can live with.Best wishes to both of you.

I agree, remove the yoghurt pot and spray air freshener. if he's using 'pocket money' to buy it then stop the pocket money. I wouldn't ground him; you want his home to be somewhere that he wants to be rather than somewhere that he is forced to be.

I'd say to both with ash tray in hand, hey guys, this is a serious fire hazard. Houses get burned down like this. And this is a smoke free zone. Unless you think he will recall he put it in his drawer. In which case leave till tomorrow.

Then tomorrow, I'd have the conversation about a) smoking, illegal, not out of his pocket money, b) weed, can be but isn't necessarily gateway to harder things, and can have but doesn't necessarily long term psychotic effects, but in any case illegal. Don't want a criminal record ( Boring if you ever want to go to the U.S., for example).

I'd do it while doing the washing up, going for a long drive. The no eye contact is important. And ask what's up. Open questions. How are things going. No moral judgments, but clear lines that he can use as a reason with friends. ( my mum's a real pain but.... [ insert reason he can give to the cool gang to be with them but stay on the right side! eg she sees too many screwed up addicts at work/ she works for a pharma that's doing brain testing on drugged rats/ it would cause huge probs for her at work if I got busted]. Make it clear you have no objections to his friends as people, perfectly nice people, but perhaps haven't thought it through.

Do not get cross.

He's been brilliant telling you. Yes, I think he does want dialogue.

We had this.