To want a clean house and a baby?

[princesspineapple]

I'm almost 38 weeks pregnant with my first baby... And a bit houseproud. Is it possible to keep your house nice when you have a baby?
Our house was always a bombsite when I was growing up... My DM is one of these "love me, love my mess" types... And I've always hated that attitude.
I've spent the first week of my maternity leave nesting, and my house is sparkling (and a bit bleachy )... My friend came over yesterday and was laughing about how it will look like a Chinese laundry / graveyard for brightly coloured plastic crap within a fortnight, and I'll forget what flash wipes are even for.
My MIL and colleagues have a similar view and I even got a little "please excuse the mess, my children are making memories" sign when I left work. I hate it!
AIBU to think it's lazy? Or AIB a dreamer? Or what tips do people have for keeping a clean house and a baby?

OP, ask yourself why on earth having an extremely clean house is so important to you that you're already stressing about it before your baby is even born? I think your colleagues', friends' and MIL's attitude is really strange - why would people be banging on about house cleaning when someone is about to become a parent for the first time and giving snide little signs as presents - unless they are picking up your very obvious anxiety about the cleaning issue?

I get that you hated your house's messiness as a child, but you seem to have internalised all kinds of messages about self-respect and 'laziness' as a result of what. And they're all so heavily gendered. Assuming you grew up with a father on the scene, also living in this messy home, was he incapable of running the vacuum? Why are you blaming your mother's 'love me, love my mess' attitude?

And assuming you have a husband or partner, why is the cleanliness of your house (a) only your problem and (b) almost a moral issue? What would be so wrong with having a temporarily untidy house?

You seem to have worked yourself up so much about something pretty unimportant in the scheme of things that that you now feel that visitors in the early weeks of your baby's life will be checking to see whether your pre-baby standards have slipped! Why put that kind of pressure on yourself?

Honestly, OP, think about why this is such a big deal for you that it seems to be overshadowing the arrival of a baby. Or is it just that your understandable anxiety about a big life event is getting displaced onto madness about flash wipes???

"To say someone with a spotless house has their priorities wrong isn't fair - the only time this statement rings true is if you're putting really important things aside for the sake of a tidy home."

IME the only people who ever had an always spotless house did have their priorities wrong and were preventing their children from doing things to ensure their house was always clean.

I mean always btw, people have clean houses and are generally tidy but if you arrived in the middle of DC playing or at the end of witching hour there will be some mess, it may be clean by the time they go to bed, but it's there at certain points - that's not what I mean by spotless.

I mean, one toy out at a time, don't allow paint or play dough ever and follow babies round to wipe off fingerprints type clean as spotless btw.

My house wasn't too much different when ds was born, I'm not super clean but don't like disorganisation and get frustrated not being able to find things. If I used the sudocream it went straight back in the changing bag so I knew where it was when I needed it next, if I changed ds the stuff went back to its place when finished. Some things like prams/moses baskets/baby toys (play gyms etc) take up a bit of space but aren't "messy". If you are already naturally organised it probably wont be too bad, just your skirting boards wont be bleached as often (if anyone actually does that!).

I found laundry the biggest issue, but if you have enough plain cheap baby grows/vests and bibs there no pressure to get it all done all the time as there are always spare clothes. Have plenty of laundry basket space/places to dry baby clothes, I've got a couple of these which are great for socks/small things.

Boxes inside drawers to keep little socks or bibs together are great too, you can find a sock/bib/baby grow quickly and can easily see if you are running out. Storage boxes and knowing where you are keeping all the baby paraphernalia is good too.

And make sure dh is on board with doing his bit, that includes tidying up after himself too, let him know where the babies stuff can be found/is to be returned to.

Sorry Thurlow, I misunderstood.

I don't know, hoovering every couple of days upstairs, daily downstairs + mop, laundry outside, changing beds weekly, cleaning toilets daily (I've got a few boys here...). I just run around from 6 to 8h30, with breakfast and taking care of kids in between, and time flies!

I don't clean the house for guests, I don't really see the point of making an effort for people who pop in. It's just me, I'd rather a clean house for my family.

My point was that you somehow find the time when you have kids, so with only a baby it's very possible. I can't relax in a mess, and I hated the advice of "sleeping when the baby sleeps". It does not work!

The assumption that with "only a baby" it is easy, is what irritates me. It depends on the baby, the state you are in after the birth and how quickly you recover, certainly in the early days and weeks. Plus how soon your DP/DH has to return to work. If you had said to me it was easy to clean and tidy with "only a baby" when DS was under 3 months old, I think I would have burst into tears.

It's easier when they are smaller tbh, it's when they become mobile/nap less that it becomes harder especially if you have one that goes around behind you undoing all your tidying. I have to strap my baby into the buggy/jumperoo for a while to get anything done. It's certainly doable though. Plenty of toy storage is a must. And perhaps relax your standards a bit if you currently have a show home level of tidiness/cleanliness.

Oh yes, one toy out at a time . Very damaging to imaginative play.

JosephBrodsky, very insightful post.

I have a friend with cleaning 'ishoos' and she acknowledges it is a way to deal with anxiety and feeling emotionally overwhelmed. It is a 'cleaner' version of drinking or smoking, with the same foundation - a way of not really dealing with issues and hiding them by cleaning. OP, I think the fact you are extreme enough for people at work and your MIL to be commenting on it is telling, but now may not be the time to deal with it. It may be something to think about. If you get very into cleaning after the baby is born, it could also be a sign of PND.

I think it's still relatively easy to keep the house clean and tidy when they are tiny because they're not mobile and can't make a mess. Any mess is yours and you are in control of it. That said, if you have a sleepless one like I had, you may want to use any spare time you get catching up on shut eye or reading a book, not running around with a hoover. I do think it's important for one's sanity to keep it reasonably tidy, though. I've always said that just because I had kids, it didn't mean I had to live in chaos. My house is no means a show home but it's not a bombsite either. I refuse to spend oodles of time cleaning it but prefer to keep it ticking over but equally I refuse to live in a mess, too.

MerryMarigold I like the sound of your friend! I wish I could deal with my 'ishoos' with cleaning rather than Tunnock's tea cakes

I am house proud myself, we have a baby boy of 5 months and between me and my hubby we keep the house clean and tidy.

So yes a baby and a clean house is possible.

I think keeping a house clean and tidy is a hell of a lot easier with a baby then it would be with a toddler!
With a baby its only you making the mess.
With a toddler it can sometimes be as effective as cleaning your teeth whilst eating Oreos.

It depends on the baby. I found it quite easy to keep on top of everything when DS was a baby. It's more difficult as they get older.

Pinkheart does your baby sleep well, and could you put them down on their own (or use a sling) in the early weeks? Does your DH work long hours? I was also wondering what kind of birth you had, and how quickly you recovered from it - did you have any longer lasting physical impact from the birth?

I am due my second baby in the summer and would like to know what I will need to have happen in order to be able to get any housework done...

JosephBrodsky
This all seems a bit deep, but here we go...
It's not overshadowing things in the lead up to my baby, it's just something on my mind after a week of nesting and a few comments. I've already said if by baby is needy then my priorities will obviously change.
As you ask, I blame my mum because she was a SAHM, and only works part time now... And yet they never have a tidy house. She spends more time justifying the mess than doing something about it! My dad has always worked long days, but still comes home and does the washing up and takes the bins out. On weekends he does gardening/diy which may be "heavily gendered" jobs, but my mum wouldn't be doing those either, so he has to start somewhere. She's a lovely lady, but there's no getting around the fact my DM is lazy.
My DP is very clean, and does any jobs that need doing except ironing... Which I'm thankful for as he's almost burned the house down twice! So I don't feel like it's all my responsibility... But realistically if I'm the only person home with the baby M-F, it will mostly come down to me. That's not because we're particularly set in gender roles, but because it's fair if you're home making mess, somebody else shouldn't have to come back and clear up after you.
The sign was definitely a nod to my very organised office I can't work in chaos, but I don't see it as a deep seated issue, I just like clean. The comments from my friend and MIL were both in response to the sign, so I can't imagine they're all picking on this obvious anxiety!

Thanks for the tips weallhavewings and everyone else who shared their wisdom!

I've posted about this before but my mother's one regret is that she spent too much time cleaning and not playing with myself and my sister when we were small. She is really enjoying her grandchildren now and actually loves them making a mess! I also had a CS which was hard to recover from, I had PND and was pumping every two hours for top-ups as well as breastfeeding which meant that by the time I had finished one cycle it was almost time to start again! I also had two sling-refusers so no cleaning got done here. Now they are 2 and 5 though my house is cleanest and tidiest it has ever been (I do have a great cleaner though....)

I'm only 8 weeks in to motherhood but so far I've kept a clean house. It is messier, just because there is more stuff in it but I've just found new places for stuff - had a good clear out before baby arrived. I also tidy as I go. I suspect the toddler times will be messier.

Hi CultureSucksDownWords we could put our baby down in the early weeks, he was quite happy to be laid under a playmat or in his Moses basket in the living room for a little while. I did also use a sling to take him around the house with me some days and always used it when going outside I rarely took the pram.
Our baby does sleep really well now.
My husband is a solicitor so his hours depend on what cases his got going on really.
My birth was 14 hours but a water birth and I managed with just gas and air near the end, I had no complications, no tears etc and so I didn't really need a lot of recovery time

My tips would be to declutter everywhere, keep knick knacks and ornaments to an absolute minimum and invest in some neat storage for baby bits/toys. Keep on top of cleaning and tidying by doing small bits at a time. If you have little time/energy, then just clean the public areas of house. Make sure everyone knows where things should be stored. Don't be too proud to accept other's help. My mum came round when I had a new born and hoovered the house which made me ridiculously happy.

However you can't be a perfectionist and don't set yourself massively high standards in the first few weeks with baby because you want to enjoy your baby and allow yourself to rest. No visitor will be judging you on a little mess.

Fair enough, Princess. But maybe the state of the house didn't and doesn't matter to your mother? I see it as a completely morally neutral issue. Short of being so filthy or cluttered that it's impossibly difficult or dangerous to live in, or involves small children eating mouldy pizza from behind the sofa or handfuls of thumbtacks, I see an untidy house/ a clean and bleachy house as no worse or better than one another.

Only on Mn (and since moving to the village I currently live in) have I actually met women whose sense of self-worth is so bound up in the tidiness or untidiness of their houses - and who do also seem to note and judge one another's cleanliness.

It's not a priority for me, as you can probably gauge - we have a weekly cleaner, and the only domestic effort expended by either of us is cooking and laundry. It honestly never occurred to me that the house was suddenly my issue when I went on maternity leave.

Mine were once were invited to go and play at a house where this was the rule. Kids even had to put each individual colouring pencil back in the case before getting the next one out. Only 1 toy car each. Building bricks or play people, not both. After half an hour they were asking to go home (embarrassing) and it was the only child they've ever flatly refused to go and play with again (usually they'll play with anybody for a chance at some new toys).

Chinese laundry / graveyard for brightly coloured plastic crap

The first is slightly unavoidable unless you have a tumble drier or a spare room with a heated airer for quick turn arounds. Babies tend to be a bit pukey, I recommend a few cheap throws for the sofa if you are anxious about appearances. You can whip them off and give them a quick wash every other day if you have a particularly refluxy baby.

There's a lot written about the overuse of cleaning chemicals in the home and the impact on children's health so if your use of flash wipes/bleach etc is more than once daily I'd be inclined to suggest that you reconsider your products. No harm in having a clean house but if you have an eczema/ allergic / asthmatic child in the long run it's a horrible position to suddenly wonder if you might have contributed in some way. I'm not for one second saying that flash wipes create asthma but parenting can create the most anxious person out of the best of us.

As for the plastic crap. Tends to be more towards 1yr on but unfortunately children respond best to bright colours. Plastic also washes / wipes well so you may find it preferable to a fabric and well chewed squeaky book.... !

If you or your partner plan to be at home FT or PT then you will need the toys at hand or you will get nothing done. If your baby is in daycare all day while you are both at work, then your living space is less impacted.

Top tip: Always put anything with glitter on/in it straight in the bin when the gifter is gone. Glitter for decoration, glitter glue [wtf], etc. Bin it.

(Oh, and just to say I loathe that smug, morally superior 'I'm not mopping the floors because I'm Making Memories with my babies by letting them make mudpies on the carpet' guff. I'm not houseproud, but I'm not using the time 'saved' from cleaning to be some kind of Mother Goddess with my offspring - if I'm not working, I'm probably reading or out for a walk.)

It depends on a lot of things:
If you 'like' housework. Some people actually enjoy it and therefore do it more than others. Personally it bores the crap of me.
If your baby sleeps well.
If you have a partner to support you
If you are suffering from PND
How you are physically and emotionally post birth

I certainly think you are being unrealistic. Babies are generally easy. It is when they are toddlers, mobile, sleeping less during the day that things become difficult.

Perhaps you are the sort of person who prioritises housework over other activities?

The mess is endless though remember. Soon it won't just be your mess you are dealing with and when they are teens it gets to another level altogether.

Barbarian Christ how awful. There is something very uncomfortable about being in a house that is immaculate. You can't really relax. I don't blame your kids for wanting to leave. They were probably making the house look untidy anyway.

Also with toddlers the usual way it goes is this: You tidy a room and they are with you. As you tidy they untidy everything you have just tidied or if that is not possible they go to another part of the roman untidy that. If they are a little older and you are tidying a room whilst they are in another 'watching' tv you will find that the room is descimated . You go and tidy that room and the whole cycle beings again.
This goes on for years.

I have 6, the youngest is 8 and even now I find myself staring in the horrendous mess that is the kitchen KNOWING that it was spotless earlier in the day. This goes for other rooms in the house too.
I haven't got the energy for spotless all the time. It is a fantasy but at some point my kids will all have left home and life's too short for it.