To ask you to make an important life decision for me, because I GIVE UP.

[IdBuyThatForADollar]

Honestly, I'm a ball of terrible anxiety. I don't know what to do.

Current situation:

Me:
Live 45 min commute from work - horrible journey with motorway driving. Costs me £50 a week to get to work. Work is in countryside.
Live on outskirts of London with a tiny house with a London price tag.
Work PT to be around for DD as has significant emotional issues
Spiraling debt as can't afford to live
Have a lovely DP who currently lives with us, but is struggling to earn much and I no longer make life plans based on the idea that relationships are for life (I know that sounds horrible, but my priorities are my DD and me).

DD(10)
Hates her school and wants to leave. Y5 so due to start secondary school next Sept. All schools locally are either selective academically/private or recently converted academies with brutal discipline regimes
Has some (ongoing diagnosis) SEN (probable ASD/PDA) and anxiety issues

We live about 10 mins from my parents, 1 min from one close set of friends and 10 mins from another close set and 25 mins from my sister and her DP.

My house is about to go on the market.

If I sell and move, to a lovely market town, I will:

Cut my commute to 15mins
Have better (and free) school choices for my DD with better SEN provision and better pastoral care
Have a bigger house
Clear my debt
Be approx £600 a month better off (1/4 of my take home pay)
Not live in London anymore
Be on a train line that goes to my parents/sister/friends
Live about a 40min drive from parents/friends and still a 25 min drive (other way) from my sister

I think I want to move. But I keep thinking about that 40mins - am I being very ridiculous? It's not far really is it? I am just so used to be very close to all the best people I know and I will miss them dreadfully. I feel quite distressed when I think about it.

Yet. I can't go on. I can't sustain the cost of living. I wake up at 3am with the cold sweats on when I think about my debt. I can't see a way out other than this. Another job locally to where I am now would be longer hours and probably less money. I can't remortgage this house as they won't take my now reduced income as enough for a mortgage, but if I move and sell I can buy a bigger house more cheaply with a reduced mortgage.

I want my DD to go to a school that will be a better fit for her than anything available locally. She is on the edge of all sorts of issues (food refusal, self-harm, crushing anxiety). She wants to move. She'd like more space and she likes the school she would be in the catchment area for.

Logic says go, as does some of my heart. I think it would be better for my DD long term. I'm ok with my own company if my relationship was to end. I would not have to worry about money anymore. I'd get an hour of hideous commute back a day. It all stacks up, but today I just feel unutterably sad at the thought.

Am I terribly self-indulgent? Am I hormonal? WWYD?

Another Go Go Go.

Your dd will be happier, she will have a school appropriate to her needs, the countryside around her. A much better environment altogether.
Youwill have more disposible income which means a better life and tye ability to do more things and have less stress (also beneficial for your dd)
40mins is little. My parents and parents in IL are living between 45mins and 1h00 away. We still see them ery regularly etc...

I agree with a pp from your OP, I'm quite excited for you. It looks like a really good move :)

go go go go go go....

40 mins is nothing. And you have phones and skype.

best of luck in what sounds like a brilliant new life.

Logically, a 40 minute trip vs your inability to afford where you live is a no brainer. What your brain is trying to do is find the reason why you shouldn't make the change.

Make the idea less scary by going and looking at houses in the field of radius you want to move to. Make it familiar to yourself. Fall in love with the idea. Get excited. That will take away your natural fear of change. The actual mechanics of moving are just that: mechanics. Do it step by step and it will all be fine.

Do it, 40 mins is not far. You will have so much better quality of life and so will your DD. You will have more time, better sleep, less worry. In your shoes I would do it as soon as possible. You will still see your parents and family. Mine are hundreds of miles away (IL's and my parent). You need to base it on what's best for you and your DD.

Definitely move. You have absolutely no reason to stay where you currently are. I live 10 minutes from my parents (in theory) but have to drive through a city so it takes me an hour to get there! So if the traffic gets bad where you currently live, you could be sitting in traffic for half an hour anyway, but have lost a great opportunity for a lovely new life.

I think cutting the financial stress, and the worry about your daughters school will make a MASSIVE difference to your happiness. GO FOR IT. And I am really happy for you too, best wishes.

OP, please do it.

Then 6 months after read this thread back and give us an update about how much better things are.

Change is scary.

We moved 18 months ago, and we are 2 hours from DPs family now, but we see more of them now. We have a bigger house and they stay the weekend. School is much better, kids are nicer, adults are nicer, it's just all better. I didn't like suburbia, but it took 6 years before we moved out to the country, because change is scary.

Something else to add to all the positives that PPs have come up with.

I moved out of London a few years ago, to a lovely village with all the advantages that you're hoping to find. In addition to all those benefits, we have found ourselves absolutely surrounded by new friends because it's so much easier to become involved in a small community than it is in London. It's especially easy to meet people because you have DC so you get a bit drawn into their social lives and meet people through them.

Do it - it's an exciting new adventure for you and DD. Good luck!

Oh I will consider you lucky to be near family. Mine are thousands of miles always. 40 min is nothing compared to other advantages . Specially th debt.

go!

happier dd and less stress for you are going to make such difference for you that you will wake up wit ha smile every single day!

please update us on how it went!

It is an absolute no brainer OP. 40 mins is nothing. Currently I live an hour away from all my family, it's not an problem at all. By virtue of email, text, phone, social media, Skype etc we are in eachother's lives every single day. The quality of life you will have will be SO much better and how wonderful for your child. It is a fantastic life changing opportunity!

By virtue of divorce, I am going to have to do much the same within the next year or two. Except I will be approximately 200 miles away from everybody. It still doesn't worry me at all. It's an adventure! I wish you SO much luck and hope that you will have a wonderful new life

Totally get the need for a dither - the feeling of taking responsibility for big changes is very scary isn't it? I'd be the same as you.

None of us know what's round the corner though (slightly unfortunate pun - sorry ) Your intentions are good. You're doing what you think is in the best interests of your DD. That's all that matters.

Good luck. Hope it all goes smoothly.

No brainier, definitely go. Even if you went to visit your family every other day, the drive would be less than your current commute, and you'd have all the other benefits as well. All that time saved commuting can be used visiting, and then there's everything else. I agree, the situation with dd would be enough in itself, but debt free AND £600 more a month? Think about what you could do with that? You could potentially even cut your work hours to spend even more time with dd and your family.

OP I think I know what I think you should do... as it is SO very obvious what is best for you and DD!!!!

MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE

**

I totally get the stress of being THE one to make all the life decisions. I am still working through a huge decision regarding dd's schooling and I said to my mum I needed a more grown up grown up to make it for me. It's so hard so totally understand.

I have also made a big move in the last few years so get the fixation on that 40 minutes. But honestly it seems like a mountain just now because you have got so much else heaped on your plate. When other things fall into place the 40 minutes trip will seem like nothing at all. Your brain is piling it on top of the problems you have now but when you move the rest of those problems will be gone and this will seem tiny. 49 minutes each way is still close enough to visit someone for coffee and be back home in time for lunch.

Do it! Honestly I don't think you have a choice and perhaps I can't think of a single reason not to move.

Go, and I wish you both a happier future. I used to travel 40 minutes to and from school...

OP, 7 years ago I moved country away from a very close family and a good strong support network. Three years after that I moved again - this time I moved continent. It was just DH, me and DD1 (and DD2 when she came along).

Do you know what. I never lost that support network. It changed a bit, but the friends and family were still there for me. Admittedly in a different way to before (more planning to coincide with trips home, more Skype/twitter/facebook/email), but the relationships didn't change. And as an added bonus, I made some other lovely friends in the new countries (who are now incidentally doing the facebook/email/Skype support as we have moved again, back to our original country)

It honestly sounds like you've made your decision, you just need a little extra push to get you over the wobble.

So. Do it. Move

Oh, thank you all. Especially those of you with stories about moving away and maintaining relationships. I've done two things I think.

1. Hung my FEAR OF CHANGE onto this one negative and magnified it
2. Imagined that no one else ever has had such special and important friendships and family relationships as me. This is, of course, utter nonsense, and seeing that and knowing that people do this all the time and relationships survive and thrive is making me feel much better.

I am committed to it really. My house goes on the market next week. I've seen lots of houses in the area, driven round, extensively investigated schools etc. I even know what small area within the area we're moving too we should live in. It's all good. It's such a lovely town and area. My DD can do all sorts of countryside things she's been desperate to do properly for years.

Thank you, I'm feeling re-energized and excited again.

Also, LadyStoic I do hope you C&P'd most of that post!

I totally get the stress of being THE one to make all the life decisions. I am still working through a huge decision regarding dd's schooling and I said to my mum I needed a more grown up grown up to make it for me. It's so hard so totally understand

I made one of those a couple of years ago for my DD. Turned out to be the wrong one, so I think that hasn't helped. Mind you, her dislike for her current school has made her thought processes on this move a lot simpler. Best of luck with it, you can't know either way, as long as you're making the decision for the right reasons that's all you can do.

You've just been having a little wobble. For me, having relocated many times, your move would be a no brainer.

Instead of fearing change, embrace its positives and possibilities.

Move! The upside's sound fabulous :-) 40 mins drive to parents is not that bad, it takes me 55 mins to get to mine but we do lovely things like sleepover at weekends and stuff to maximise time together.

If you move somewhere really lovely they might decide to love nearer to you themselves - it does happen. Good luck :-)

Go. Those forty minutes will feel completely normal very quickly.

I'm a 45 minute drive from my parents. Was a PITA on the train, but now I drive it's much easier. Given the choice between 40 mins each way at weekends, or 45 mins each way every day I work, I'd opt for moving.

MOVE!! Do it! Those 40 minutes will feel like nothing when the weight of everything else is lifted.