To ask you to make an important life decision for me, because I GIVE UP.

[IdBuyThatForADollar]

Honestly, I'm a ball of terrible anxiety. I don't know what to do.

Current situation:

Me:
Live 45 min commute from work - horrible journey with motorway driving. Costs me £50 a week to get to work. Work is in countryside.
Live on outskirts of London with a tiny house with a London price tag.
Work PT to be around for DD as has significant emotional issues
Spiraling debt as can't afford to live
Have a lovely DP who currently lives with us, but is struggling to earn much and I no longer make life plans based on the idea that relationships are for life (I know that sounds horrible, but my priorities are my DD and me).

DD(10)
Hates her school and wants to leave. Y5 so due to start secondary school next Sept. All schools locally are either selective academically/private or recently converted academies with brutal discipline regimes
Has some (ongoing diagnosis) SEN (probable ASD/PDA) and anxiety issues

We live about 10 mins from my parents, 1 min from one close set of friends and 10 mins from another close set and 25 mins from my sister and her DP.

My house is about to go on the market.

If I sell and move, to a lovely market town, I will:

Cut my commute to 15mins
Have better (and free) school choices for my DD with better SEN provision and better pastoral care
Have a bigger house
Clear my debt
Be approx £600 a month better off (1/4 of my take home pay)
Not live in London anymore
Be on a train line that goes to my parents/sister/friends
Live about a 40min drive from parents/friends and still a 25 min drive (other way) from my sister

I think I want to move. But I keep thinking about that 40mins - am I being very ridiculous? It's not far really is it? I am just so used to be very close to all the best people I know and I will miss them dreadfully. I feel quite distressed when I think about it.

Yet. I can't go on. I can't sustain the cost of living. I wake up at 3am with the cold sweats on when I think about my debt. I can't see a way out other than this. Another job locally to where I am now would be longer hours and probably less money. I can't remortgage this house as they won't take my now reduced income as enough for a mortgage, but if I move and sell I can buy a bigger house more cheaply with a reduced mortgage.

I want my DD to go to a school that will be a better fit for her than anything available locally. She is on the edge of all sorts of issues (food refusal, self-harm, crushing anxiety). She wants to move. She'd like more space and she likes the school she would be in the catchment area for.

Logic says go, as does some of my heart. I think it would be better for my DD long term. I'm ok with my own company if my relationship was to end. I would not have to worry about money anymore. I'd get an hour of hideous commute back a day. It all stacks up, but today I just feel unutterably sad at the thought.

Am I terribly self-indulgent? Am I hormonal? WWYD?

Sounds like a no-brainer. Lots of us live hours from our parents, or we've had to move away from our home-towns and close childhood friends, that's life. 40 mins away from your support network is nothing and you'll still see everyone very regularly I imagine.

Do lots of research into what's going on in the area you're going to move to, such as extra-curricular for your dd, local parks, beauty spots, leisure centres, cinema and so on. That's what I do when I move to a new area, I create a bit of a local fact-file and it really has helped me to look at all the positives of moving and exploring a new place to live.

40 minutes will seem much less of an issue when the other problems in your life are sorted out. It seems too long now because you are looking at it through the lens of your life now. Your life will be simpler and more relaxed when you move so 40 mins will feel like a much smaller thing.

Go go go. Less than your current commute away and you'd have more time.

Move.

The lifting of financial stress should never be underestimated. Your whole life will improve just on that alone.

Your dd will be happier and more stress has gone.

You will have a happier, healthier quality of life and will look back and wonder why you worried.

This is the sort of positive but bracing support I was after. I am having a terrible wobble today. I think the pressure of being THE person who makes THE life decisions is stressing me out. I regularly feel barely competent to make decisions for myself, let alone those for others too.

Thanks gstring. That's a brilliant tip.

Do it, and all the very best to you

I have a close support network locally and would definitely have a mourning period if I had to leave it. That's ok. But I am lucky that my life is sustainable where I live. It is clear that your life will be overall so much better when you move. Feel the sadness and do it anyway

Go go go!
Perfect time and sounds like there are no negatives. You will visit family and they will come to you

Go! There are so many positive reasons.

The 40 mins is not really an issue, I think this is where you are pinning a reason not to go (because it is, after all, a big change).

Rationally, 40 mins is less than you currently commute each time you go to work!

Really, go for it. I think you and DD will look back and be so glad you did.

Go!! I used to live 90mins from my parents and drive there most Sundays to visit get fed for free

Go. It sounds much better for all of you. Friends and family will adapt. Also, there is nothing that will keep Friends and family living in your current location. They may well move too. As life moves on there are different choices to be made. But this is a clear mental health one and cost one!

Re-read your initial post, when you have done that, I think you will see that your best option is to move. It sounds like your DD will benefit hugely from the move as you will too. 40 mins really is nothing, my parents moved about a 30 minute drive away, 4/5 years ago from being just up the street, was strange at first but we adapted. I wish you well in whatever you decide x

Go. I would do it for your daughter.

An extra 30 minutes to see your parents/friends is not that much.

Good luck.

I moved 2hours from my mum.
My GFs dad lives 12 hours by plane away.
My Gfs mum is 2.5hrs away.

40 minutes is nothing. :)

also, if it's that important, meet in the middle and it's only 20minutes.

I did a similar move and am abut 35 mins from DM, it's nothing in the grand scheme of things. I couldn't be happier with the move. I say go for it.

But 40 minutes is nothing! You drive for longer than that twice a day every day at the moment.

Sounds like you've come up with a pretty cool solution to things to me
Nothing's perfect and change can be a bit scary
But sounds like all that thinking about things may have done some good
Good luck!

All of the reasons you give for moving sound lovely, you will be making a huge positive change in both your lives.

The only negative is moving away from your friends and family. So perhaps you should evaluate how much you see them, what sort of things you do with them, and how much that means to you.

I moved from the village I grew up in, with my parents 10 mins away and my sister and DNs 2 mins walk away. I'm now about 40 mins drive away.

The downsides:
I can't just 'pop' over to see them, so visiting is more of an effort. They rarely come to me, so I have to go to them.

I miss out on impromptu events, like when everyone suddenly decides to have a BBQ if the weather is nice or something.

I miss my DNs a lot - I see them maybe once a fortnight now, whereas before I would see them a lot more frequently.

If I go to any evening events, I can't have a drink as I always have to drive.

So in all, I do miss out on being close to everyone - but it was the right move for me and I just have to make more of an effort to make up for it.

Do what you need to do for your and your DD's happiness. Sounds like this move would make a huge difference to your lives.

Had similar decision 5 years ago I did it never looked back! Do it you'll have a great quality of life your daughter will thrive and shorter commute. Win win win good luck for a quick sell. If you sell quick will you move your daughter for year 6 to get to know some friends before senior school ?

Definitely go, as everyone else has said!

We live 2+ hours from family and we visit them often, sometimes every weekend. That means well over 4 hours there and back.

It's quite a faff getting there so we make a game of it, thermoses of coffee, nice things to eat, etc etc.

It has never really bothered us though. It's a minor annoyance rather than any sort of issue.

40 minutes is nothing and you can, again, make it fun eg singing in the car. Swap a regular 1.5 hour return trip for your nights waking up in a cold sweat, stress over money and your daughter's happiness ... I would!

Go! 😆
I dithered for ages about moving from a totally unsuitable flat because my best friend lived next door and my family were all less than 10 minutes walk away and I couldn't imagine leaving that kind of support network.

Next thing I know my friend is selling up and moving 500 miles away, my sister moved about 50 miles away and a few months later my brother went abroad to work. No one else was limiting their choices to stay near me and they were right not to. I was being daft.

Moving was the best thing I ever did and I've made new friends, still see my family and although I've not seen my 'best' friend in a while we still text and facebook.

Definitely go, you'll get your life back, how exciting! And brilliant for dd too. I'd say do it, as quickly as you can. for your new home!

Go.

40 mins is nothing.

And you'll meet new people and make new friends and your life will be bigger and better.

I am enjoying the unanimity here.

Yes - Ungoogleable - those are the sorts of things I'd miss, but I guess we'd just have to get organised rather than things happening organically.