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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable?

41 replies

Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 19:50

This is my first time writing and need some advice! I know deep down that I'm being silly but cannot get past my husband past. We married when he was slightly older and had never been married previously, he has though had many girlfriends and I regularly have to bump into them or attend parties where they will be! It makes me feel rubbish and very insecure. I have been married previously and he hates my ex husband and makes sure we have no connect, when this did happen recently he didn't take it very well! I've tried to talk to him about my insecurities and he says they are so pathetic and dismisses them, to the point where I get upset and he ignores me completely! I do love him very much and don't want to separate but don't see how this will ever change! Help please!!!!

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 25/02/2016 20:01

Why does meeting them make you feel rubbish and insecure? Who is the problem here?

Them (e.g. flirty)? Your husband (e.g. too friendly still)? You (e.g. low self esteem)?

Original poster
Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 20:09

Well a mixture of all three!! He's a very sociable person and will be friendly , I do have low self esteem but not before we were together, I am younger etc than these women but find myself feeling rubbish and thinking irrational things!

OP posts:
OnePlanOnHouzz · 25/02/2016 20:10

He chose to marry you Thanks You have nothing to feel insecure about - you are obviously his perfect partner that he waited ages for... just smile and be lovely as I'm sure you are ! They are probably all a little bit jealous !!!

Original poster
Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 20:15

Awe thank you! I try and think like that and I know I drive him nuts about it, we have a party to go to in a couple of weeks and I'm dreading it!! If it wasn't for this our relationship would be perfect, I just wish he understood and maybe saw it from my perspective sometimes x

OP posts:
Katenka · 25/02/2016 20:15

How do you want him to resolve this?

Why does he hate your ex?

Original poster
Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 20:20

I want him to say that he understands and that we don't need to go to the party, what's more important? With regards to the ex they both can't stand each other but I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't want to be at a party with him! X

OP posts:
Katenka · 25/02/2016 20:22

So you want to avoid all parties that he may run into his exs at?

Is that really realistic? It might be I don't know.

But if I avoided everywhere I might see an ex, I would have stay home.

Katenka · 25/02/2016 20:23

It does seem unfair that he can be upset at seeing your ex, but doesn't see where you are coming from.

Are his exs rude to you? Is that why he thinks it's different?

Birdsgottafly · 25/02/2016 20:24

I don't think it's helpful to think that the exs might be jealous, I bump into exs and I'm certaintly not jealous, even if they've ended it.

OP, why have you had a drop in self esteem since you've been together?

Original poster
Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 20:24

I know it sounds really unreasonable and I'm sure if he understood and didn't just dismiss it I probably wouldn't feel so rubbish. This party will have 3 ex that I know of!! Jeez I exhausted myself thinking about it :((

OP posts:
Sunnybitch · 25/02/2016 20:24

Ok first off they couldn't keep him...you married him! So you must be doing something right Grin

As for hating your ex I'm guessing he sees him as a possible threat. Your the only person that he's married so I'm guessing he thinks of you as his true love. But because you've married before, maybe he thinks you felt this strong about your ex and therefore there could be feelings still involved between you both so would rather you not see him Hmm

I think the both of you need to have a nice evening out together, go for a nice meal and TALK to each other.

Original poster
Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 20:27

Exactly but apparently they aren't comparable!! They aren't rude just bloody smug! They never acknowledge me just blank me x

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 20:28

I'm not sure why, I think it's because I'm comparing myself all the time to these women which I know it's RIDICULOUS!

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 20:30

Thank you so much :) we honestly have a lovely marriage and this one point causes such problems, he can't talk he has a complete inability to talk normally about this subject! He gets so mad. And says he will not discuss it at all!

OP posts:
Katenka · 25/02/2016 20:31

I think there are a few issues.

Your self esteem

Him not acknowledging your feelings or that his exs are rude (blanking you is rude)

His dismissal of your feelings even though he has similar ones towards your ex.

I would let everything calm down and try and talk again. Calmly about why you feel how you do and give examples of them being rude. Compare it to how he feels about your ex.

I would also tell him that him just listening may make me feel better.

Jw35 · 25/02/2016 20:31

Don't go to the party! Let him go if he wants. Be more honest about how you feel and ask him to respect that. Also...3 exes at one party? Shock

Original poster
Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 20:33

I will try and talk again, he's ignoring me at the mo! I also know I really need to work on my self esteem and try and have more confidence!

OP posts:
Katenka · 25/02/2016 20:34

I am concerned you think your relationship is generally good, but your self esteem has taken a battering since you married him.

Do you know why that is?

Original poster
Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 20:34

I know it's a nightmare! I told him to go without me but if he does it feels very disrespectful x

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 20:37

i don't know to be honest. I feel that I'm not good enough alot of the time, that's not anything that he does he tells me daily how much he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful blah blah, I just feel really jealous over his past and it's taken its toll x

OP posts:
Jw35 · 25/02/2016 20:37

I couldn't cope with being ignored SadThanks

Original poster
Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 20:40

No it's horrible and when we are trying to discuss it and he just switches off it gives me such rage!! I get upset but it's mostly because I'm so flipping frustrated!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 25/02/2016 20:41

But one of them must have been his ex, whilst he was with the other one and he still went to the parties.

If you date in your social circle, you won't be able to avoid exs.

You know that it's your self esteem that is the issue and the thing that could end your relationship.

Original poster
Charlie1301 · 25/02/2016 20:44

Yes and you know what it's like you care when you are together and then when you separate you couldn't care less! They are not my social circle but he's had relationships with friends etc. I know I need to work on it and I don't want it to separate us x

OP posts:
Morasssassafras · 25/02/2016 20:45

So every time you bring this up he gives you the silent treatment? But only ever about this?

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