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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Oh shit. How much trouble am I in??!

127 replies

ribbitrabbitribbit · 25/02/2016 17:51

My parents have gone away on a cruise for 3 weeks. Left last Thursday and asked me to housesit and to look after DSis who was 18 2 weeks ago.

My parents said she could have a party last Friday night (yeah, cheers for that one Hmm). I wasnt told anything about it until last Wednesday evening. Mum said it would be max 10 friends and she agreed they could drink but the rules were no spirits and no smoking indoors (both me and DSis smoke but we know to smoke outside or in the garage)

Anyway DSis and me went to the supermarket last Thursday and brought some beer and cider and alcopops. Set some extra ground rules: anyone carrying alcohol on the way into the party would be turned away, I would be checking on them all every so often and if anything iffy was happening I would be pulling the plug straight away. And I set a curfew to have everyone apart from her 2 best friends to be out by 1am.

It is worth pointing out here that DSis has friends varying in age from about 14-25. She does some volunteering, has a part time job and goes to college so has friends from those places.

DSis and everyone turned up at the house about 7.30pm. Everything seemed fine. Nobody turned up with extra alcohol (to my knowledge at the time). There was an extra 4 people but I let it go.

About 8.30 and I was cooking some pizzas in the kitchen. 2 girls came in and
asked where they needed to go to smoke and I pointed them in the right direction. Didnt pay much attention to them tbh as the beeper went on the oven and I was trying to Skype my DP at the time.

Took the pizzas in and all was OK until about 10pm when DSis came in and said one of her friends had been sick behind the sofa and was drunk. Cleaned her up and took her upstairs and put her to bed in Dsis bed where shefell asleep. I asked Dsis if she knew her Mums number- her phone had a passcode on it so I couldnt get in to to get the number. DSis just ensured me that the girl was just a bit of a lightweight and had got carried away.

I told her it was time to wrap things up. Went into the lounge to find they had smuggled bottles of vodka and tequila in and had been doing shots (I had gone into the louge to get the girl but they had hidden the evidence behind the other sofa) and that they had been smoking out of the window of the lounge. Kicked everyone out and told them that if they came back id be calling the police to escort them all home to their parents which funnily enough got rid of them all. DSis told ne later they had hidden the bottles under the hedge and when the two girls went out to smoke they brought it in

I was furious with DSis and told her that aside from college, work and her volunteering she wouldnt be lesving the house until she was my parents reaponsibilty again and that id be taking her and collecting her. Ive managed to confiscate her bank card and I know she doesnt have any cash so shd cant get anywhere without me anyway.

Let the girl stay the night who I then dropped off the next day. She insisted I dropped her at the corner of the street, but I drove her to the front door. She let herself in and there were no cars about so her parents musnt of been in.

Anyway all was OK until today when I got a phone call from the girls mother. It turns out she is only 14, had never had alcohol before and had been told by their DD she was just going to a sleepover at a different friends house.

Theyve said they are ringing the police for supplying alcohol to a minor and that they will be making my employer aware. I explained the situation (that I was DSis, Mum gave permission for the party and the alcohol and gave us the money to pay for it.) but they didnt care. The girl was incredibly hungover and apparantly told her parents everything

Im shitting myself. Im furious. If i get a criminal record, a warning even, I will more than likely loose my job. DSis is remorseful but it isnt good enough. Ive sent her to stay with my grandparents for the remainder of my parents trip who are uncontactable as they are on a cruise and obviously cant get phone signal in the middle of the Atlantic. This will be the case until Sunday.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 25/02/2016 18:15

In theory your Sister is the one responsible, she must know the age of her friends.

If the Police get involved, they'll just 'have a chat' with both of you, but especially your Sister, it just gets teens to take being drunk, seriously.

It might backfire on the Mother, most forces would steer the Girl towards alcohol services.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2016 18:16

So go after you rather than her lying daughter. Sounds like a great mum.

ManneryTowers · 25/02/2016 18:16

The mum should be making her daughter apologise and sending her back to yours with her raging hangover to help clean up!
Don't worry OP. No offence committed. The mum should be worried about what people think of her letting her 14 year old get in that state, if anything.

Groovee · 25/02/2016 18:25

My dd did this when she was 15. 3 rules, No Drinking, Answer dad's texts when he texts you and come straight out when he calls to say you are to come out. Instead he had a very drunk 15 year old handed over by a 17 year olds mum who was aggressive to him.

It was my responsibility to discipline my daughter. She broke the rules and knew she should have declined the alcohol.

Her dad made her tell me in the morning and I told her I was disappointed and to not to ask to go out with that group of friends ever again. She's been ok since.

Cel982 · 25/02/2016 18:26

Besides the fact that there's been no criminal offence, it's your legally-an-adult sister who'd be responsible, if anyone, surely? I don't think you can be in loco parentis of an 18-year-old.

kickassangel · 25/02/2016 18:27

Considering the age of your sister, let's not forget that she didn't really have to have any supervision at all. It's pretty caring of your parents and you to do that for her, and I think you did a good job at being around without being over involved. At 18 I was at uni and doing whatever I wanted without a single family member having a clue.

I also think you're being pretty harsh on your sister, btw. In future she maybe needs to think about only inviting people age 16 or over, and socialize in a different way with her younger friends.

At 14 my parents would not have let me go for a sleepover unless they knew the family I was going to and were pretty certain that I was going where I said, e.g. they dropped me off etc. In fact, they were like that at 16.

Do you feel able to contact the mum again and say. 1. It's obviously been a big upset, but no-one did anything illegal so she can go to the police if she wants to, but it's a big waste of time. 2. If she contacts your employer you'll be looking into reporting her for slander. After all, you haven't committed a crime, so she shouldn't be trying to spread lies about you. 3. As your DSis is the 18 year old in the family who was responsible, maybe the mum should talk to her?

fwiw, I think your sister could benefit from being a bit more sensible about providing alcohol to a 14 year old.

How much trouble could you be in at work? Do you need to do some damage limitation there in advance, or do you think the mum will calm down and realize that she's overreacting?

HermioneJeanGranger · 25/02/2016 18:29

Surely your sister is responsible if she's eighteen years old? Confused

kickassangel · 25/02/2016 18:31

And def. make your sister clean up any/all mess. She was the organizer, you were really just the back-stop in case of trouble.

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 25/02/2016 18:32

So your 14yr old is off to a sleepover and you make no contact with the host to check the story swap phone numbers for emergencies?? and it's the OPs fault it went wrong.. nice one motheroftheyear!

PotteringAlong · 25/02/2016 18:33

Also, your sister is 18. Surely it's her fault not yours? She's an adult!

Coconutty · 25/02/2016 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forumdonkey · 25/02/2016 18:36

Firstly I'd ask the mum where her parental responsibility lies!! Her daughter lied to her and obviously mum didn't check out where the sleepover was for her 14 yrs old. Obviously it's easier to point the finger at someone else for their failings as a parent. They should be thanking you for looking after their daughter and making sure she was ok and got home safely.

shazzarooney99 · 25/02/2016 18:37

Why did her parents not check to see where she was actually staying?

Houseworkavoider · 25/02/2016 18:38

Your Dsis is18Shock
At 18 she should know better than to behave like a little kid.
If the police do (they won't be that bothered surely) press charges, point them to the other adult who was actually letting her drink!

defineme · 25/02/2016 18:43

Your sister is an adult and was the host. Don't give it another thought. Is your sister generally babied by the family? She needs to grow up and respect her parent's house. Mind you, i am surprised you're punishing an 18 year old too. Does she act like an irresponsible child because she's treated like one?

cashewnutty · 25/02/2016 18:43

I am a social worker and i work with the police on child protection matters. I have spoken to many under 16's in relation to sexual matters when at parties and under the influence. I have NEVER had a police officer say they will be charging the person providing the alcohol or any adults present at the party on alcohol related matters. The woman is talking out her arse. I really wouldn't worry about it.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 25/02/2016 18:45

The police won't bother with that. They've much more important things to worry about that 14 year olds getting drunk!

nocabbageinmyeye · 25/02/2016 18:48

Yep your sister is 18 so the adult responsible. I'd call her at your grandparents and have a little fun with her and tell her the police have been round and it's her they are looking for , then I'd tell other mother to piss off and take some responsibility for her daughter. Don't sweat it op

TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/02/2016 18:48

I think a house party with drunken 14 to 25 year olds is asking for trouble though to be honest. DD1 had a gathering at home for her 18th. 15 year old DD2 hung around with them too, DD1's friends keeping an eye that she only had one or two drinks.

However she did get very much chatted up by a 19 year old who assumed she was 17 or so. He was mortified when he found out her age a few days later. We were at home so nothing untoward was on the agenda and DD1's friends all seem nice, but even so it wasn't a good situation.

nocabbageinmyeye · 25/02/2016 18:49

On another note is it not strange an 18 year being friends with a 14 year old and what 25 year old wants to go to a party with a 14 year old, very strange imo

CaptainCrunch · 25/02/2016 18:53

I thought the age range at the party sounded pretty suss as well. DD is 18 and would never socialise with 14 year olds in a million years.

Jux · 25/02/2016 18:55

I'm sure nothing at all will hapen to you. As for your employer, I shouldn't think the parents know where you work, or the girl. It's an empty threat. At most, they might think the filth will get it out of you when they drag you in for questioning and thumbscrews prior to your last meal Wink. Angry, guilty parents have been known to say anything to avoid blaming themselves (not us sensible ones, obviously!). They're just lashing out.

You didn't supply her with alcohol, you weren't responsible for her, and you have nothing at all to worry about.

ADishBestEatenCold · 25/02/2016 18:56

"I think a house party with drunken 14 to 25 year olds is asking for trouble though to be honest."

Good point Tinkly. It does seem a strange age range to invite.

How many 14 year olds did your sister invite, ribbit?

eddielizzard · 25/02/2016 18:57

i do think your dsis needs to be held responsible for this. she's old enough to be responsible for her friends. she could have come to you and told you they had smuggled alcohol in but she obviously wanted to.

yes, you were there to keep an eye on things, but if they're hell bent on deceiving you then they'll manage it!

your dsis should be in deep shit with your parents and you!

Storminateapot · 25/02/2016 18:58

My younger brother did this to me many moons ago when I supervised his 16th birthday while parents were away & I was 20. I felt bad because I'd been placed in charge by my parents, but it got out of hand & I couldn't stop it other than to go batshit crazy at them all & throw them out.

I had done nothing illegal and neither had you. This was a party hosted by an adult. Your sister. If the 14 year old lied to her parents about where she was going, that's on them.

Put your hand up, anyone, if you can honestly say - hand on heart - that you never lied to your parents or drank underage at a private party.

They are being ridiculous & finding it hard to accept their precious girl is growing up, so are deflecting that to you as the eldest person there.

I'd be billing them for carpet cleaning and fuel for the lift home if they insist on pursuing this!