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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

8 year old not invited to best friends birthday party.

100 replies

growinghumans · 25/02/2016 11:12

My daughter came home perplexed that a child in her class that she considers one of her best friends didnt invite her to her party, but 8 other children in her class instead. My daughter seemed like really good freinds with this child, weekly playdates, sleepovers (mostly at the other childs house) etc. I have also covered childcare for her parents on several occasions and take this child on days out etc... My daughter is most confused as according to her the children that were invited do not really play with this child, but their parents are part of the rich mummy 'in' cliche. The party was at an expensive themed entertainment.
I am venting on here as I know that it would seem really petit and stupid to question why my daughter wasnt invited. And properly non of my business. I am just surprised as I have helped her parents out recently and the children are good friends. I get on wth the parents reasonably well but do not hang out with them, (as often not invited to drinks etc..) I dont really mind just annoyed as it feels like my lack of popularity is effecting my daughters social life!..Just wondering should I say something like, Is there anthing I have done to offend you as my daughter was upset/surprised that she wasnt invited to your daughters party. Or shall I just suck it up and leave it! How do you genuinely smile and carry on with pleasantaries when it is quite clear that they think your family are not worth networking with and are beneath them....Shall i carry on with playdates etc...

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 25/02/2016 11:14

coukd it be that they feel they spend so much time together that perhaps it would be nice for their dd to have a chance to invite someone else?

as she gets to play and do suffer outside of school alot witg her

Gileswithachainsaw · 25/02/2016 11:14

do stuff

ignore typos

Samcro · 25/02/2016 11:15

stop helping them

Sunshine87 · 25/02/2016 11:16

People have restrictions on how many DC they can invite. Its most likely the child has picked the people shes invited. Children have a new bestfriend every day at the age. You just got to let them get on with and take a backseat. Maybe treat your dd that day just you two.

Yokohamajojo · 25/02/2016 11:19

I agree with you and your daughter that it is weird and annoying but unfortunately nothing you can do, don't say anything but if they remain friends just act normal! It's probably to do with the mums as you expect (not your popularity but the in click)

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 25/02/2016 11:20

Definitely do not say anything!

This is the perfect time to explain to your DC that there will be times when they won't be invited to things, and to not take it personally.

At 8, the chold should be picking invites herself, so I doubt very much it's anything to do with you. It's more likely that the place they are having the party for is a set no of guests, and she simply couldn't invite everyone from school, as she'll have out of school friends and cousins etc to include too.

This might make me sound like a total cow but it comes from a good place - you sound as though your self esteem is very low, and I urge you to work on this so that your DD doesn't pick up on it and feel the same way

Drinkstoomuchcoffee · 25/02/2016 11:21

Lots of explanations:
They had a disagreement the day the party list was drawn up
There was an invitation but it was lost somewhere in the process
Parents are snobs and only want to invite rich kids (unlikely)
They could only ask x number of kids and this child has lots of friends of whom your Dd is just one
They just forgot your Dd..

But honestly, just forget it. You can't micromanage children's friendships. Teach your Dd to cope with disappointment in a mature way and you will be doing her a big favour.

Do not cut the other family off or respond in a childish way next time they ask you to host their child...you do not want to teach your Dd those behaviours

ZiggyFartdust · 25/02/2016 11:23

They might have had a party for their friends children rather than their children's friends. Up to them.

EponasWildDaughter · 25/02/2016 11:23

Either your DD is not as close to this friend as you thought and was given the choice to pick who she liked and picked others, or the parents have invited the children of people they are friends with for this outing.

Either way there's nothing you can do. Show DD that it doesn't matter in the long run and there'll be other parties.

If you're that miffed then don't help out again. I mean that nicely.

Original poster
growinghumans · 25/02/2016 11:35

Hi I am writing on here about it, as to be honest the mum (I quite like her as she is very funny, and I have quite a lot in common with) is a total snob and can be quite bitchy! The area I live in is also very snobby. So maybe I am feeling a bit over sensitive about this. This has happened several times before with other children and I've always supported my daughter as said it doesnt matter etc. but somehow this hurts as I feel used, by the parents, as the children genuinely like each other, and I thought I got on ok with the parents.

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 25/02/2016 11:35

They had a disagreement the day the party list was drawn up

I immediately thought this too. Or that your daughter was responsible for some sort of 'offence' that the party girl was privately miffed about.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 25/02/2016 11:38

Did you invite this child to your dd's party?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 25/02/2016 11:40

They might have had a party for their friends children rather than their children's friends. Up to them.

^^ This. It still sucks if you have been part of their emergency childcare arrangements though. Perhaps they feel that as they have hosted sleepovers they've facilitated your social life so its a quid pro quo.

Original poster
growinghumans · 25/02/2016 11:41

Yes the child was invited to my daughters birthday party.

OP posts:
redhat · 25/02/2016 11:43

Honestly it will be something like a fall out at the time of sending the invitations which may well have blown over a couple of days later and so your daughter can't see the connection.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/02/2016 11:46

I hate this shit, and why should you have to "suck it up", its MEAN MEAN MEAN

that said I have fuck all idea as to what to do , however take some note of the comment that My daughter is most confused as according to her the children that were invited do not really play with this child, but their parents are part of the rich mummy 'in' cliché

tell DD its more a party for the Mummies' friends, and they are NOT better than you

Sunshine87 · 25/02/2016 11:46

OP i think you taken this harder than your DD you need take a step back from your DD friendships and let kids get on with it. They find there own way.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/02/2016 11:47

as according to her the children that were invited do not really play with this child, but their parents are part of the rich mummy 'in' cliche

Your eight year old knows about the adult friendships? Hmm They probably just had a falling out around about the time invites were being written.

CooPie10 · 25/02/2016 11:48

Yanbu to feel bad for your dd but i don't think you should say anything either. is she really your dd's 'best friend' though as she should then be invited? There could be a whole host of reasons she didn't get an invite.
Anyway maybe you could do something fun with your dd on the day so it distracts her and also she has something to talk about if the other kids discuss it afterwards.

Schenker123 · 25/02/2016 11:50

In all fairness OP, I wouldn't really bother going out of my way for the family again... But, I wouldn't let DD know this and I'd explain that sometimes we just don't get invited everywhere and it isn't personal. Please don't let your DD clock onto your true feelings towards this situation.

I know people do invite friend's children only but since you seem to quite regularly accomodate her child, I think she should have invited your daughter since their friendship extenmds out of school.

But I'm quite petty :)

EponasWildDaughter · 25/02/2016 11:52

the mum ... is a total snob and can be quite bitchy! The area I live in is also very snobby.

This has happened several times before with other children

I might be being naive, but would a whole group of parents really all conspire to not invite your DD to parties? Because they are 'snobs'?

Especially when the mum in question seem quite happy for your DCs to be friends ...

My daughter seemed like really good freinds with this child, weekly playdates, sleepovers (mostly at the other childs house) etc.

MattDillonsPants · 25/02/2016 11:53

I personally would pull back on playdates with the child because it seems like a slight. Here on mn people are always full of "Oh but the child can ask who she likes..." type excuses but what they've done is simply rude.

loulou0987 · 25/02/2016 11:54

I think its mean and if a child wants to exclude someone from their party the parent should make sure they know this is not on. Especially as you help them out. I should think that will stop now!

Ameliablue · 25/02/2016 11:56

I wouldn't say anything but leave it up to your daughter if she wants to say anything to her friend or continue being friends.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/02/2016 11:56

Of course your daughter will be hurt about this.

Clearly they are not really best friends and it's not good for your daughter to continue to think that they are.

If she's upset about it, let her talk about it. Explain to her that people can invite whomever they want to parties. But if she draws conclusions from it (which she will), then don't tell her she's wrong.

I certainly wouldn't be helping out with childcare any more. I wouldn't choose to push my child together with a kid they have a difficult relationship with just to do someone I wasn't friends with a favour.