8 year old not invited to best friends birthday party.

[growinghumans]

My daughter came home perplexed that a child in her class that she considers one of her best friends didnt invite her to her party, but 8 other children in her class instead. My daughter seemed like really good freinds with this child, weekly playdates, sleepovers (mostly at the other childs house) etc. I have also covered childcare for her parents on several occasions and take this child on days out etc... My daughter is most confused as according to her the children that were invited do not really play with this child, but their parents are part of the rich mummy 'in' cliche. The party was at an expensive themed entertainment.
I am venting on here as I know that it would seem really petit and stupid to question why my daughter wasnt invited. And properly non of my business. I am just surprised as I have helped her parents out recently and the children are good friends. I get on wth the parents reasonably well but do not hang out with them, (as often not invited to drinks etc..) I dont really mind just annoyed as it feels like my lack of popularity is effecting my daughters social life!..Just wondering should I say something like, Is there anthing I have done to offend you as my daughter was upset/surprised that she wasnt invited to your daughters party. Or shall I just suck it up and leave it! How do you genuinely smile and carry on with pleasantaries when it is quite clear that they think your family are not worth networking with and are beneath them....Shall i carry on with playdates etc...

This happened to me when I was younger. I had a best friend - she came to my birthday parties, spent alot of time out of school together and our parents got on great. There were 12 girls in our class. She invited every girl in our class to her birthday party apart from me. No falling out or anything, she just didn't invite me. I had brought her a card and present beforehand. I was so upset because she kept making a big thing about her party in front of me.
On her actual birthday (we were in school that day), I gave her the card and present and I just said "Happy birthday, I hope you have a nice party on Saturday."
She took the present and card and walked off. No thank you or anything.

It really upset me, but there was nothing I could do about it. I just accepted it and moved on. She always spoke about the "fantastic" party she had in front of me. My mum never spoke to her mum because I didn't want a fuss.

I really hope you and your daughter are both okay. I know how awful it is. Sending lots of love x

Children who play together every day don't get invited but ones they never play with do get an invite because the families are friends.

Happened a lot to my children - parents grew up with others in the area so understandable but hard to break into for newcomers - not so much when younger and big class parties were more normal but before they were sort of 9/10 and much more independent of their parents.

You tell your child - they can't invite everyone and try and make it as okay as possible. Made no difference to who they chose to play with at school.

Be polite but distance with the parents.

Then you do as much with this family as is convenient to you but don't put yourself out - if you want to do sleep overs and reciprocal childcare then do it but I wouldn't go out of my way for them in the future.

If it's the over-controlling mother not inviting your daughter in many ways that's better as far as your daughter's feelings are concerned.
As they get older the mother will have less influence. They'll probably grow apart anyway. I very rarely socialised with the parents of my kids' friends as I worked and didn't see them often. At early primary school there was some socialising but towards the end of primary school I had my friends and they had their friends and there was no overlapping.
I used to be a total bitch about my parties at primary school/ early secondary school in retrospect. Young kids don't have much power and the power of being able to choose who to invite to a party can go to your head a bit. My parents probably had no idea of the "if you do that you're not coming to my party" type games little girls can play.
It doesn't sound as though this is the case here but I've encouraged my kids not to take party invites or the lack of them too seriously.
I do think it's sad small kids have so many parties and older kids so few.

I agree, at least your dd knows it isent her friend tgat is not doing the inviting, but her over controlling, networking mother, so that might be the saving grace. The reason why you distance yourself from them.

This happened to my DS(9) last year. His best friend's party and quite a few of the boys his best friend doesn't even like were invited instead. DS asked his mate, who said his Mum had chosen the boys, "Because she wants to be friends with their Mums" .

I have very little to do with her now and tend to arrange play dates via best friend's Dad (they are divorced). No more lift shares or helping out Mum from us. I just think she is a bit of a saddo to be honest. She actually made her lad's party less nice for him than it could have been.

That is sad Tinkly, some mums can be as bad as kids, if not worse. That's good that your ds still gets to see his friend and you can go through dad.

Oh they are thick as thieves Aero. Nasty Mum has tried to be pally lately but I am very wary.

I woukd give her a very wide birth Tinkly, you know how superficial and stupid she is.

My daughter is most confused as according to her the children that were invited do not really play with this child, but their parents are part of the rich mummy 'in' cliche.

Really? Really, REALLY?!
Sorry but my 8 year old (and all the other 8 year olds I know would not have a clue who was friends with who in adult friend circles and certainly no idea of 'rich cliques' or not!
With all due respect, I just don't get the whole angst about whether or not your child is invited to a party or not.
If mine haven't been invited to anything, I just say something along the lines of "aw, never mind, they won't have been able to invite lots of people and there'll be lots of other parties to go to."
They're always absolutely fine with that.
They know they can't always be invited to everything.
If it's only 8 out of the class, it's not like it's the whole class invited and not yours!

I dunno. We have a "rich mummy clique" in our village. I have inadvertently found myself on the fringes of it through being invited to gatherings by a nice woman who is part of it. The clique tend to socialise with themselves within the gatherings. They rest of us may have dropped the odd sarky comment.

My big eared nine year old would certainly know who is in the clique, he has heard DH and me laughing about it.

Discoglitter I didnt write that very clearly what I meant was my daughter said that the children invited do not play alot with this child, and it was me who knew the children invited are part of the mummy "in" cliche. Yes it is fairly exclusive group everyone lives in houses worth 800,000 plus, themselves or their husbands having good jobs in the media etc...It's a state school, but pretty divided on social-economic measures.
Maybe I'm a bit more aware of this as I have been on both sides, When you have an interesting job people can be all over you as you are worth knowing. Drink invites, dinner party, camping trips etc. When you dont (job losses, bad fianances) people who judge others on status and contacts can be pretty dismissive, invites try up etc. Fair enough on adult stuff its just annoying when you feel it effects childs social life. Anyway you are right about putting it in perspective. Will hold head up high and put my nice, laid back front to parents. Just needed to vent to strangers as I know it is not very socially acceptable to vent in public or in front of daughter.

growing just distance myself from her, and make yourself less available

And the bright side is that you now know what that mum is like. It's a harsh awakening but I always think I'd rather know someone is like that, than be under an illusion that they are my friend iyswim.

I do know what you mean, it can be hurtful, this has happened to me in the past. YOu know its the mum's doing, which makes it worse. She has controlled her dd party list for her own means, and has made her dd party about her, and not her dd, and has hurt your dd in the process. For that I would keep a distance from her, and stop helping her. Have the odd playdate here and there, for the sake of the girls, but that's it.

Hi, I know this is an old thread but it has just a happened to me and its been great to read your thoughts.
In my case, my daughter is 5 (so all new to school/making new friends!), the little girl was invited to our party but couldn’t come however the mum was very apologetic and promised my daughter would be at hers. My daughter has been telling me that the party is happening soon and she so excited that she’s going to be getting an invite. I know the mum very well as we work on the PTA together and see each other at school daily. Even last week, at parent teacher meetings, we were told that this little girl and my daughter are best friends.
The mum started talking to another mum in front of me this morning saying, ‘all ok for friday? I’ve had one more late response today’. I’m fuming as my daughter will be heartbroken but know I can’t reallu say anything.

@MrsOD80

That’s so shitty. Take your daughter out somewhere that day, somewhere special. Then if she does get a last-minute-let’s-invite-her invitation, you can throw it back at them and say, nope. But at the same time it gives her something to looks forward to if that invite doesn’t ever materialise.

(Ps, my daughter came out of nursery today (she’s 4) and was one of only a few without a white envelope, if you catch my drift).

This is a ZOMBIE THREAD

Oh no that sucks, I would stop helping them out, and just cut down on the playdates. I think it is rude, especially as they seem very good friends, might be a bit of snobbery at play too. I would distance yourself and be less available, teach your dd to make other friends and to put it behind her. That she does not have to invite her back now unless she really wants.

It’s sometimes really hard to invite every. My MIL got the pip with me recently because we didn’t invite her to my sons birthday. I didn’t see what the big deal was. My own parents didn’t come. The only people I invited were his little buddies from daycare. You can’t please everyone

@MrsoD80 start your own thread rather than ressurecting a zombie thread

Vent away OP. It would have tugged at my heartstrings as well. This matters sooooo much when you are 8 but luckily only for most kids very briefly. I'm sure you are right that Mum made the invite list. I'd be less available now but wouldn't say anything.

Does it really matter that its a Zombie thread? Its not like people are getting worked up over something that happened a couple of months ago. Perhaps the person is looking for feedback and advice?? Kind of the point of MN.

Oh FFS, just been reading through the thread for past 15 minutes or so, and only clocked it was a bloody zombie when I saw myself on it under an old user name and thought hang on a minute!

Sorry ladies, first time posting on here. I just googled my query and this chat came up. Had never heard of a zombie thread 🙈 sorry for all the confusion.
Thanks for all the advice x

@NotWhatWhat

This is a ZOMBIE THREAD

Yes it is, my reply was to @MrsOD80 though