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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

8 year old not invited to best friends birthday party.

100 replies

growinghumans · 25/02/2016 11:12

My daughter came home perplexed that a child in her class that she considers one of her best friends didnt invite her to her party, but 8 other children in her class instead. My daughter seemed like really good freinds with this child, weekly playdates, sleepovers (mostly at the other childs house) etc. I have also covered childcare for her parents on several occasions and take this child on days out etc... My daughter is most confused as according to her the children that were invited do not really play with this child, but their parents are part of the rich mummy 'in' cliche. The party was at an expensive themed entertainment.
I am venting on here as I know that it would seem really petit and stupid to question why my daughter wasnt invited. And properly non of my business. I am just surprised as I have helped her parents out recently and the children are good friends. I get on wth the parents reasonably well but do not hang out with them, (as often not invited to drinks etc..) I dont really mind just annoyed as it feels like my lack of popularity is effecting my daughters social life!..Just wondering should I say something like, Is there anthing I have done to offend you as my daughter was upset/surprised that she wasnt invited to your daughters party. Or shall I just suck it up and leave it! How do you genuinely smile and carry on with pleasantaries when it is quite clear that they think your family are not worth networking with and are beneath them....Shall i carry on with playdates etc...

OP posts:

APlaceOnTheCouch · 25/02/2016 12:32

Whatthe no-one is saying the other child is mean. And no-one is saying they tell their DCs they can be invited to every party. What some of us are saying is that inviting people to a party involves a decision process and it's crazy to pretend that it doesn't and that it's just happenstance who gets invited or not.

As much as it's important to teach DCs resilience. It's also important as an adult to have good boundaries. OP feels these parents have treated her (and her DD) badly. OP as an adult is perfectly entitled to respond to that. Not by micro-managing her DD's friendships or trying to manipulate them but by rationally saying 'this friendship between the adults isn't what I thought so I'm stepping back'.

derxa · 25/02/2016 12:35

There really are people like this. I'm surprised others haven't met them.
Precisely

APlaceOnTheCouch · 25/02/2016 12:37

We need to teach children to be kind.
^^ This x 100.

Original poster

growinghumans · 25/02/2016 12:38

2rebecca I agree with this. My daughter was not invited to another party of the most popular child in the class (who she thought she was really good friends) and I socialise with the mother outside school. I wasnt bothered about this as I knew it was fair enough that the child was allowed 7 children and my daughter wasnt one of the children- they didnt play with each other that much. This situation threw me , as my daughter always gets invited for sleepovers, playdates at there instigation etc.. My daughter did ask the child and she said that her mum drew up the invite list. Maybe I'm as an adult as not very good reading if people like me! Thanks you have put it in perspective, there are some cliques of really good mum friends, I'm friendly but on the outskirts. But its good to know that in the long run this doesnt matter when it comes to my children's friendships etc.

OP posts:

maydancer · 25/02/2016 12:39

I think the most probable explanation is that the mother is a social climber.she think she is so much above you socially that she can shit on you and you are so nice you will still continue to be nice to her DD and help her out.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 25/02/2016 12:39

It does sound quite unkind and I would be upset too.

But if my dd liked her I would still faciliate the friendship but on my terms only. No more "favours". Invite her when it's convenient for you. Keep things cool but friendly.

As others say things can change and it may be that the parent has controlled the parties (one parent told me this was how she always did parties for her kids) but that will change as the child gets older. So long as upset was minimal and the friendship was positive for my dd I'd try to gloss over the party business while not dismissing your dd's perfectly valid feelings while inwardly thinking the mother was a horrible cow

SirChenjin · 25/02/2016 12:40

Completely agree with APlace. At 8 it's still up to the parents to teach good manners - and good manners means you don't leave a close friend out of a party.

I have been there (the child decided that he wanted the 'cool' kids at his party so left DC1 out despite their close friendship - parents didn't step in) so we weren't quite to keen to pick things up again as if nothing had happened. I'm not quite sure if the sleep overs and so on were forthcoming from the 'cool' kids, I suspect not.

Bluebolt · 25/02/2016 12:43

This happened with my DS1, group of mums who had been together since NCT and their children had to invite the friends children first and if any space other class members. I eased my DS through this time and by late primary the DC rebelled against their parents. I encouraged him to form more than one friendship group as his first one mainly contained the NCT children and he was always going to be an after thought.

OVienna · 25/02/2016 12:45

YANBU if they've not had a recent falling out and all of the socialising you describe happened recently/is ongoing.

I don't think it is crazy paranoid to think the mother did prioritise the children of people who are ALSO her own friends. I can't believe other people really think that this sort of thing doesn't happen. Also, if numbers were limited and it was an expensive place she maybe was more worried about offending other people if they weren't included and decided you would 'understand.'

Whatever you do, don't say to your DD it's 'nothing personal'. It will ring hollow and I'm guessing you would want her to think twice before doing the same?

SpartaCarcass · 25/02/2016 12:50

Could it be your DD was invited but lost the invitation?
I'd get her to ask the other child why she was excluded. If she's upset about the party it helps her learn to talk rather than seethe.

In my case my DD didn't know so I didn't raise it as I didn't want to upset her. But it upset me - especially as I had the same kind of childcare arrangement with the parents.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/02/2016 13:01

But Freak. as an adult I'd take it personally if I weren't invited to my "best friends" birthday Celebration, so you can't really expect a child not to do so.
A similar thing happened to my DD years back, but I've still not forgotten. All the girls in her class where invited to this pool party excluding my DD and the clique cunting mother had the cheek to try and talk to me afterwards. I just gave her the cold shoulder. And no the invitation did not get lost . The child whose birthday party it was said to my DD. "You're not invited to my birthday party, and all the other girls are.
Not that she's short of a jelly, but yes. We took it personally.

HamaTime · 25/02/2016 13:02

hama that's extreme straw grasping. Who has their child's birthday party as a "parent's thing"

Loads of people. Not many by the age of 8, admittedly, but almost exclusively at the beginning. How many people have invited people they know to their child's pre-school parties rather than people they don't know but the child knows from childcare? Quite a lot.

I went to a 7th birthday in a theme park where I am friends with the mother but the kids don't play together much. It's younger than 8 but not a lot. I don't do it for my dcs birthdays but it's hardly more straw grasping than concluding that the mother is a snob, thinks the OP is beneath her and is only inviting people she can 'network' with. My money is on her inviting people she likes.

Viviennemary · 25/02/2016 13:13

I'm afraid I don't buy that the other child has the right to invite who she likes to the party. It's just simply quite rude and ignorant not to invite a child who is that is meant to be a good friend of your child. An eight year old is not too young to learn good manners. I agree with stop providing any help as you are much too busy. And cut down on the play dates.

Original poster

growinghumans · 25/02/2016 13:13

HanaTime I agree with you she properly invited people she liked to the theme party. I think the problem with the kind of snob I'm talking about (btw I dont mean this in a class sense) is that they only "like" people they feel they can network with. Anyway it doesnt matter in the long run and we will just carry on as normal.

OP posts:

ZiggyFartdust · 25/02/2016 13:17

I think there is a particular type of person who sees things like this as something that has been done to them, rather than something that has happened/does happen. I think they are the same people who are on threads complaining about how awful their friends are and how mean everyone is.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2016 13:19

Yes I totally understand and get you op. I woukd for the sake of dd, brush it off, do not invest as much time in them again, don't help as much. Encourage your dd to make other friendships. If this happened to me and a close group of friends, I would be bloody hurt. We can make all sorts of assumptions why your dd was not invited, but it hurts when someone you consider close, does not feel the same way about you. I think that is what your dd is upset about.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 25/02/2016 13:19

See, I see my 9 year old DD as her own person, with her own thoughts and feelings, and therefore I feel she has the right to choose who she spends her birthday with, not me.So if she doesn't invite someone, then to me, that's up to her. Providing she is not mean or spiteful about people (which she isn't, thank goodness) she can choose what she wants to do,and who she wants to do it with.

derxa · 25/02/2016 13:23

My daughter did ask the child and she said that her mum drew up the invite list. The party girl did not choose. Maybe the girls can just shrug it off.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2016 13:26

Oh yes op, your dd friend said it was her mum who drew up the list, that explaines a lot. I would distance yourselves from them, stop helping out, and turn down play dates and sleepovers, so that mum knows her actions have an effect. Your dd just socialise with this girl at school.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2016 13:27

Encourage your dd to form other rriendships outside.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/02/2016 13:31

See, I see my 9 year old DD as her own person, with her own thoughts and feelings

😂

Unlike the rest of us, you mean?

Original poster

growinghumans · 25/02/2016 13:32

HanaTime its also not like they have all been best friends since NCT/ outside school and are carrying on as normal.They met at school gates too. I used to socailise with them , esp. when I had a more glamourous freelance job. So maybe it brushes up on my own insecurites and you are right I will acknowlege my daughters anoyance and move on. I just wrote this to stem my possible parenoia and stop me speaking out of turn, as I know a few of the women can be gossips and have exluded parents and their children from their "in" group before, and I would not like to be in that situation for my daughters sake.

OP posts:

Ellle · 25/02/2016 13:34

One thing I don't understand is that if they are such good friends, to the point that your DD considers the other girl her best friend, and they spend a lot of time together (playing at school, sleepovers, etc), why doesn't your DD ask her why she didn't invite her to her party?

That way, you can rule out other scenarios like the invitation got lost, that she was upset by an argument they had but your DD didn't remember, or that it was the mother who decided which children to invite, or that it was due to a numbers limit and that she really wanted to invite your DD but couldn't because other children were first in the list and there were no more spaces.

By the way, I think I would feel like you and your daughter in that situation. And as a mother, I don't think I could ask the other mother why my child wasn't invited. But the child asking the other child (who is their best friend) directly the question should be okay.

derxa · 25/02/2016 13:38

My daughter did ask the child and she said that her mum drew up the invite list.

loubielou2 · 25/02/2016 13:57

It's really tough - for both child AND parent! There have been a few occasions when my DD has not been invited to a party of a particular friend but as other PPs have said, friendships are very up and down especially with girls - BFFs one day and fallen out the next - and you just have to let it go. Hopefully she'll forget about it but if not, do something nice together on the day of the party. I probably would also reduce the number of playdates etc. with this child for a bit as it will grate on you that she's not invited.

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