Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

8 year old not invited to best friends birthday party.

100 replies

growinghumans · 25/02/2016 11:12

My daughter came home perplexed that a child in her class that she considers one of her best friends didnt invite her to her party, but 8 other children in her class instead. My daughter seemed like really good freinds with this child, weekly playdates, sleepovers (mostly at the other childs house) etc. I have also covered childcare for her parents on several occasions and take this child on days out etc... My daughter is most confused as according to her the children that were invited do not really play with this child, but their parents are part of the rich mummy 'in' cliche. The party was at an expensive themed entertainment.
I am venting on here as I know that it would seem really petit and stupid to question why my daughter wasnt invited. And properly non of my business. I am just surprised as I have helped her parents out recently and the children are good friends. I get on wth the parents reasonably well but do not hang out with them, (as often not invited to drinks etc..) I dont really mind just annoyed as it feels like my lack of popularity is effecting my daughters social life!..Just wondering should I say something like, Is there anthing I have done to offend you as my daughter was upset/surprised that she wasnt invited to your daughters party. Or shall I just suck it up and leave it! How do you genuinely smile and carry on with pleasantaries when it is quite clear that they think your family are not worth networking with and are beneath them....Shall i carry on with playdates etc...

OP posts:

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 25/02/2016 11:57

Matt, the children can ask who they like, it's their parry!

My DD has written le a list of who to invite every year since starting school, and that's that. I don't interfere, it's her party so her choice.

Fanfeck · 25/02/2016 11:57

You sound rather judgemental, could this be the reason? Or could it have rubbed off on your DD and they don't want people there who think they are snobs?

SpartaCarcass · 25/02/2016 11:58

Bloody Hell - are you me???
Had this exact same situation with DD.
It stinks.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/02/2016 11:59

Why would you tell a child that not being invited to a party "isn't personal"?

Of course it's personal.

Telling children obvious lies makes it impossible for them to trust you.

Chinesealan · 25/02/2016 12:01

Check her tray at school in case invite is still there.
If not, it's a bit of a sad life lesson. Don't ask the other mum about it.

redskytonight · 25/02/2016 12:06

Um, if they are such good friends, why has your DD not asked the other girl why she hasn't been invited? No need for you and other mum to be involved at all.

(though I bet the answer as other posters have said, is "we had a argument the day I did my party list and my mum says I can't change it now")

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 25/02/2016 12:06

Bit it isn't personal bathtime! If I say to DD you can invite 20 children ,and 11 of them are out of school friends, she's not invited some of the class because of numbers, not because she doesn't like them.

But frankly, I think we need to raise kids to be resilient, and a good lesson for this is realising that they won't be invited to everything, and that this is okay, it doesn't warrant upset or interference from parents. Kids need to be given space to work out this stuff for themselves, and not have their friendships micromanaged by their parents.

ZiggyFartdust · 25/02/2016 12:07

Why would you tell a child it is personal, ffs? If someone doesn't invite 3/4 of the class it isn't personal, and telling your child it is and that they are clearly disliked or that there are other motives is projecting your own issues.
Why would you upset your child on purpose?

HamaTime · 25/02/2016 12:08

Maybe parents are going too and it is a parents friends rather than child's friends thing. It's not snobby to not invite people you aren't friends with and does not mean they think you are 'beneath' them. My BFF has a dd in my dds class and the girls rub along ok but are not particular friends. BFF and I often meet up with the girls because we want to see each other, rather than inviting the parents of the girls close friends. I wouldn't necessarily do it on their birthday but I don't think it's outrageous to go to a expensive themed entertainment with friends.

Maybe the girls aren't that close or have fallen out. It's unlikely that the bday child has had her choice vetoed due to snobbery if they are happy to have the child over for sleepovers.

vjg13 · 25/02/2016 12:09

Totally agree with Whatthe above, play it down with your daughterand carry on as normal. In fact be extra nice to the mother concerned!

MattDillonsPants · 25/02/2016 12:10

hama that's extreme straw grasping. Who has their child's birthday party as a "parent's thing"

APlaceOnTheCouch · 25/02/2016 12:13

Whatthe unless you choose the 11 by alphabetical order then it is personal who makes that cut and who doesn't. How odd to pretend otherwise

OP I think the PP who mentioned it being a party for friend's children is probably correct. It happens quite often at our DC's school. Children who play together every day don't get invited but ones they never play with do get an invite because the families are friends.

It sucks but it has little impact on who the DCs play with at school and long-term I imagine it will also have little effect on who the DCs remain friends with.

If I was you, I would take a step back from helping this family out. Let your DD decide how she feels about the friendship.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/02/2016 12:17

Bit it isn't personal bathtime! If I say to DD you can invite 20 children ,and 11 of them are out of school friends, she's not invited some of the class because of numbers, not because she doesn't like them.

That's personal, unless she chooses them randomly.

It means there are 11 people she'd prefer to have at her party, for presumably personal reasons.

That's not the end of the world if you don't make the cut. But it does tell you about how much the person doing the inviting likes you.

If you knew they weren't a close friend, the it's no biggie. If you did, then it hurts.

Dealing with that hurt honestly means acknowledging what it is.

Why would you tell a child it is personal, ffs?

I wouldn't.

I said I wouldn't tell them it wasn't personal. That's (clearly, I thought) not the same thing.

Figgygal · 25/02/2016 12:20

yup pull back on playdates, don't offer them anymore help that is just mean and crap!!

If conversation allows it I would raise it but wouldn't go out of my way to challenge. I hate inconsiderate people ....do whatever you want to adults but consider behaviours when it comes to the small people!!

derxa · 25/02/2016 12:21

This is very nasty. Normally these things should be ignored. OP the mum is treating you like the hired help. And it is a snob thing. Stop the childcare favours now.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 25/02/2016 12:21

Is it just my DD then that realises that you can't invite everyone, so doesn't really vat an eyelid if she doesn't get an invite?!

It sounds like a lot of parents get very overly invested in their children's social lives to me!

By this age, they need to be prepared for disappointment, and be bolstered by the parents to shrug this crap off and be resilient to it, not have mum saying there there darling, what a mean boy/girl to not invite you. It's ridiculous!

2rebecca · 25/02/2016 12:24

I wouldn't say anything, but if my daughter asked why she wasn't invited I'd suggest she asked the girl concerned (if they are really best friends at age 8 this should be a sensible thing to do) and that maybe x doesn't consider her as much of a friend as she considers x a friend, or the mum drew up the list.
My kids had this at parties and it's usually a combination of those 2 factors. Often they wanted to think the most popular child in the class was their best friend when they weren't.
This tends to reduce as they get older when kids become better at working out who their friends really are and parents get bored of having parties.

Berthatydfil · 25/02/2016 12:24

Maybe she considers you one of her childcare providers rather than a friend.

newlabelwriter · 25/02/2016 12:26

This may well have been said up thread but at 8 quite a lot of children are allowed to pick who they want at their party so maybe that is it and the mum feels awkward? I only say this because we had this happen to us but to be honest I think i was more pissed off than my daughter because I was friendly with the mum but only for a short while. These things happen and are very annoying and if you're like me it's very easy to take them personally. Hope it all works out.

FoolsAndJesters · 25/02/2016 12:26

Perhaps it's more of a families event with siblings etc that a girls party. If the Mums are all friends then I think there is your answer. It could be something that they agreed to do together while they were hanging out together.

The thing you and your DD should be annoyed about is that the girls are discussing it in front of your DD. That's mean

I'm afraid the fact that you help her out is neither here nor there.

TheHighPriestessOfTinsel · 25/02/2016 12:28

friendships change, kids grow apart

YR4 dd1 just sent her invitations into school. On the list were a couple of kids who've always been invited, some we've had once or twice, and two girls who've never been to one of her parties or been to the house. Some kids who've been here a few times were not on the list, due to limited numbers. At this age, they need to manage this themselves.

If we'd sent the invitations in a month ago, probably half of the list would have been different, and that's normal for kids of this age.

dd1 has missed out on several parties this year, and she's pretty sanguine about people having limited numbers and not being able to invite all of their friends.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/02/2016 12:29

Is it just my DD then that realises that you can't invite everyone, so doesn't really vat an eyelid if she doesn't get an invite?!

Yeah, she's a genius.

Or else it doesn't matter much when your best friend doesn't invite you, but invited 8 other people, to know that she couldn't invite everyone.

You didn't know you were just "everyone" to your best friend. You thought you were someone special. Now you can see (because you are not an idiot) that you are way down the list.

That hurts.

Teaching children to be resilient in social situations works better if you acknowledge and recognise the hurt.

I would be quite worried about an 8 year old's social skills if being left out by a good friend like this didn't bother them.

By that age I would expect them to have clear preferences for certain children and a level of intimacy with a few.

LaurieFairyCake · 25/02/2016 12:31

Ofgs. It's really clear that this is a social climbing thing and that the parents are using this as an opportunity to climb the social ladder.

It's not going to be a quick fall out that day if they've continued to have her round/have play dates/the OP has continued to have the other child. And the parents haven't encouraged her to invite her.

There really are people like this. I'm surprised others haven't met them.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 25/02/2016 12:32

2 years ago DD'S best friend did exactly this- DD asked her why she wasn't invited - the friend explained, DD understood and was fine. Why is that so hard to understand?! Not getting upset about something she is able to understand does not mean her social skills are lacking whatsoever, thanks.

chipmonkey · 25/02/2016 12:32

People leave it entirely up to kids who they invite? I allow my kids fairly free rein but I don't allow them to be mean! Ds4 has a new best friend but I will be insisting that he invites the "old" best friend to his party because I know that child will be very hurt if he's left out. We need to teach children to be kind.

OP, I'm sorry, that's awful for your poor dd. I would be inclined to tell her that someone who was a good friend would have invited her and to encourage her to play with other friends.

And I would stop looking after the other child for that cheeky mare!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread