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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to ring the police about this??

79 replies

futuremrsstinson · 23/02/2016 16:19

Me and my ex broke up just over a year ago.

About three months ago he got in contact again after finding out that I moved in with my new boyfriend. Asking why it never happened with us, misses me etc. After a couple of weeks of texts I started replying just to try and get some peace. It did tone down the messages a bit but he then started turning up in our local town at weird times and I would see him as I was driving home. Anyway I ended up having to call the police because he wouldnt leave me alone and they gave him a rap on the knuckles. This was about six weeks ago.

Anyway I was contacted at work today by someone he has applied for voluntary work with as he has put me down as a reference as he did some volunteering for me when I worked for a charity. Its in our local town literally about a 2 minute walk away from where I work so I think theres more of a chance of me bumping into him then there is at the moment

AIBU to not give the reference and to call the police with my concerns??

OP posts:
HereIAm20 · 23/02/2016 16:21

I'm not sure there is anything to report to the police as yet but I would just refuse to give a reference and that may mean they won't take him on.

Katenka · 23/02/2016 16:23

If he has worked for you, I am not sure the police can do anything about him asking for a reference.

You say he got a rap on knuckles. What was it? Anything on his record?

If not I don't think they can stop him applying for the job. It may be worth recording your concerns.

My fiend was stalked and was told to call 101 each time something happened so they could see the pattern as it happened. Rather than her calling and telling them everything at once.

DoreenLethal · 23/02/2016 16:23

You are under no obligation to give a reference. Personally would pick up the phone to the people asking for a reference and tell them that your last contact with him was to call the police due to him stalking you so it is not at all appropriate to give a reference for him.

Original poster
futuremrsstinson · 23/02/2016 16:24

He just got a call from the police who gave him a warning and told him that if he contacted me again it would be taken further.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 23/02/2016 16:25

I was in a similar situation, except my relationship had been abusive, but I never reported the abuse.

The Police made it clear that any contact would be thought by me as harassment and I could take action, if it continued.

It's up to you, you could report now, or see if anything else occurs.

Birdsgottafly · 23/02/2016 16:26

X post, he obviously didn't take it seriously, I would report it, so it's logged, he's game playing.

Katenka · 23/02/2016 16:28

He just got a call from the police who gave him a warning and told him that if he contacted me again it would be taken further.

Then call them. Don't be surprised if there isn't much they can do unless there is a record of him being told not to contact you. But it may mean they make it official

MammaTJ · 23/02/2016 16:29

I think this is him upping the harassment. To me, it seems like he has asked for the reference to worry you about him being so close.

Decline to give the reference. After all, why would you give a good one to someone stalking you?

Also, yes to ringing the police and trying to speak to the one who dealt with your earlier complaint.

shoeaddict83 · 23/02/2016 16:50

told him that if he contacted me again it would be taken further

him using you as a reference is him contacting you again - albeit indirectly. So decline, and if they ask why then explain!
i'd also just advise the police that following a previous warning you are just letting them know that he is around again and trying to use you as a reference. At least your concerns are on record then.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 23/02/2016 16:53

him using you as a reference is him contacting you again - albeit indirectly

^^This. It's also a handy way of him letting you know that he's a stalker 'close'

I would contact the police, it sounds like he hasn't got the message yet.

EweAreHere · 23/02/2016 16:55

He just got a call from the police who gave him a warning and told him that if he contacted me again it would be taken further.

Requesting, even through a third party, that you provide a reference for him is contacting you. I would find this worrying; it seems he is unclear on the message. Tell the employer who has asked and tell the police.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 23/02/2016 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyLovers · 23/02/2016 17:16

I think YANBU. Definitely don't give the reference. And I'd call the police, be open and ask their advice – ask whether you should report and get it logged now, wait to see what might happen next, or whatever.

AvaLeStrange · 23/02/2016 17:30

Personally would pick up the phone to the people asking for a reference and tell them that your last contact with him was to call the police due to him stalking you so it is not at all appropriate to give a reference for him.

This, with bells on. Then report it to the police so they are aware if pursues it further or contacts you about it.

LifeofI · 23/02/2016 17:47

Police are useless in these types of situations because they will see it as nothing when you know why he is asking you to be a reference.
I have been stalked and harrassed several times and told im being dramatic but how can anone tell u how it is making u feel
U feel distressrd this is harrassment and u have proof
All i can say is good luck

Andrewofgg · 23/02/2016 17:53

Don't give a reference, of course, but if you and he both have the same local town you can't be guaranteed that he will never work anywhere where you might see him on the streets - which are public, free to all. As long as he just walks past you if you do see him there is nothing to be done about it. Likewise the pub, the theatre, the library.

Crispbutty · 23/02/2016 17:58

I would disagree that the police are useless. Contact the domestic abuse unit, as they have always been absolutely brilliant when I had problems with an ex.

Original poster
futuremrsstinson · 23/02/2016 18:24

We do have the same local town yes. But am i really unreasonable in not wanting him anywhere near me?

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 23/02/2016 18:26

Can he really have thought you would give him a reference?

I would not be surprised if a PP was right and this application was in the pipeline when you split - in which case even if it distresses you it is obviously not harassment. Ask the charity for the date on the application form.

Original poster
futuremrsstinson · 23/02/2016 18:34

I did tell him in the past I would be happy to do it and I was. But then all this started and I dont want to. Is that spiteful?

I just dont want him anywhere near me. I just feel as if I see him in town he will be there to try and see me. Would i BU to call the police if I see him about?

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 23/02/2016 18:41

But then all this started and I dont want to. Is that spiteful?

No, of course not.

I'm afraid you can't really call the police just because he's in the same town as you. But I think it might be a good idea to keep a record of any times you see him when he makes himself unwelcome, and any calls or texts or anything, to present to them if necessary.

Andrewofgg · 23/02/2016 18:42

No, it's not spiteful, but if you think he would be right for the work it's a bit hard on the charity.

As for seeing him about - in a small town centre that may be unavoidable. The police can't tell him to leave town. If he hangs about the door from your work or always goes where you go for lunch that's another matter, but casual encounters in the street where you just pass each other, well, it's his town as well as yours.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 23/02/2016 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/02/2016 19:12

Inform the police on the non-emergency number. It will do no harm at all for them to be aware of what he has done.
And inform the people asking for a reference that you feel it would be inappropriate for you to give one as he has stalked you and there was police involvement.

And if this costs him the job, tough shit.

Andrewofgg · 23/02/2016 19:16

if he applied to the charity before the split then "what he has done" is precisely nothing, isn't it?