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AIBU?

To want to ring the police about this??

79 replies

futuremrsstinson · 23/02/2016 16:19

Me and my ex broke up just over a year ago.

About three months ago he got in contact again after finding out that I moved in with my new boyfriend. Asking why it never happened with us, misses me etc. After a couple of weeks of texts I started replying just to try and get some peace. It did tone down the messages a bit but he then started turning up in our local town at weird times and I would see him as I was driving home. Anyway I ended up having to call the police because he wouldnt leave me alone and they gave him a rap on the knuckles. This was about six weeks ago.

Anyway I was contacted at work today by someone he has applied for voluntary work with as he has put me down as a reference as he did some volunteering for me when I worked for a charity. Its in our local town literally about a 2 minute walk away from where I work so I think theres more of a chance of me bumping into him then there is at the moment

AIBU to not give the reference and to call the police with my concerns??

OP posts:

Report

Vintage45 · 23/02/2016 19:28

Just call them and ask, that's what they're there for.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/02/2016 21:18

Andrewofgg: It doesn't matter. OP is still under no obligations to do favours for someone who committed a crime against her, or to 'give him a chance'. She will only be telling the truth as his stalking will be on record.

peggyundercrackers · 24/02/2016 21:38

You can decline to give him a reference but I don't think you can tell them he was stalking you, if the police said that is what he was doing.

Yes you would be unreasonable for him not to be in the same town as you if all he is doing is working and not bothering you.

Didactylos · 24/02/2016 22:20

cant you give him an honest reference
eg - stalker, had police warning not to contact me
would solve the problem

peggyundercrackers · 24/02/2016 22:53

SGB would a police phone call be on record? I doubt it very much. If it's a simple caution he was given They get spent very quickly and I doubt even he would need to disclose this caution if asked given the nature of work he has applied for.

The employer should only ask about his ability to do the job and not ask for any personal information or conjecture about the applicant.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/02/2016 23:55

Peggy: the caution might well not show up on a DBS check, but the OP would not be breaking the law to refuse to give a reference on the grounds that he had stalked her, as she would not be libelling him. He did stalk her and the police did caution/warn him.

Either he gave her name as a reference before he stalked her, or he gave her name as a referee by way of continuing to stalk her: if he doesn't get the job because of his stalking then it's still tough shit and might just teach him not to stalk people in future. He won't be able to sue her for libel and/or potential loss of earnings when what she said about him was true.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/02/2016 00:07

scarf

He does not need o be on her property or at her place of work to be harassing her.

kawliga · 25/02/2016 03:04

There are some really stupid posts on here. OP is not saying she is going to call the police just because her ex lives in the same town as her or because she happened to randomly pass by him in the street or the library one day or because she once spotted him across the market place when she was out shopping one afternoon.

OP, you are responsible for your own safety. Don't call the charity he applied to, that would be actually a way of engaging with your stalker and he will use it as an excuse to engage further with you - by saying he has a grievance against you because you called a charity and prevented him from getting a job. It doesn't matter when he applied. You don't have to engage with him at all, directly or indirectly.

Above all, don't follow advice from anybody who is trying to minimize your fears. Stalking is a serious offence and sometimes it ends very badly for the person being stalked. Don't let anybody trivialize this or persuade you that you are being silly.

OzzieFem · 25/02/2016 08:15

People are supposed to request whether a person would be willing to give them a reference BEFORE putting their names down as a referee.

One person did this to me where I used to work. I only found out when I received an email from higher up stating she had quoted me as her referee. I knew of her because she worked in the same dept but a totally different work area, so we had spoken a few times but I had never worked side by side with her so did not know her capabilities. She worked closely with four other people in her area so why she chose me as a mystery.

The only time she mentioned the reference was after we were leaving a dept meeting and she looked at me and said she did not get the job because no reference had been forthcoming (I did not respond to managements request for a reference, and management did not chase me up for it). This was the ONLY time she had approached me about any reference. Did I feel guilty? No, I did not.

peggyundercrackers · 25/02/2016 08:52

SGB if you read some of the OPs posts she said she told him she was happy to give him a reference before he was given a warning and now she doesn't want to which is absolutely fine but I'm not sure he could be accused of stalking her when she has told him she will do this for him.

Katie0705 · 25/02/2016 10:31

I would advise you NOT to mention anything about stalking etc to the employer, just say that you are not in a position o provide a reference as you had become friends. Anything that you say about stalking etc, could be used against you if your ex decided to pursue legal action.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 25/02/2016 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/02/2016 19:45

It is potentially possible that it could be.

If he is stalking her.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 25/02/2016 20:08

" he then started turning up in our local town at weird times and I would see him as I was driving home. "

So by "our" local town you mean it is his town too? Not yours and new BFs? What is it about those sightings of him in town that made you feel his was stalking you? I am just confused.

kawliga · 27/02/2016 18:18

There is nothing confusing about what OP has said. Seeing somebody out and about in your town is normal, but not if that person is stalking you. What is normal when there is no stalking going on, is NOT normal when it is done by a stalker to their victim. In fact stalkers get away with causing fear and misery to others for years, because they are only doing things that look perfectly normal. Like using the public library. Nothing to stop them, and so what if they turned up to the library at the same time as you? It's not your private library, anybody is allowed to go there, etc.

Some people just don't believe that stalking is a crime, and a serious crime at that, so they get confused when the incidents are reported. They're like 'you mean he just came up to your front door and rang the door bell like a normal person? Maybe he just wanted to say hello? What's scary about that? I'm confused' etc.

There was that guy (a tv star, can't remember his name) who was laughed at for complaining about a stalker who came up to his home with a bunch of red roses. People saying 'oh, bless her (the stalker), roses are so sweet and touching, she just has a crush on you, thank her politely for the roses and tell her nothing can happen between you.' He is married with a kid if I recall. And no, it wasn't sweet, it was creepy and the police rightly took action against the stalker.

futuremrsstinson1 · 27/02/2016 20:16

Update on this.

Ex got the job. Used another reference in the end- I heard of a mutual acquaintance yesterday.

Anyway- parked up for work today and he was parked where I always park. It is free parking but theres more less than a five minute walk away. I managed to move without him seeing me (I think).

Should I call the police if he's there again on Monday?

AnnieOnnieMouse · 27/02/2016 20:34

www.scaredofsomeone.org/
a UK site giving advice if you are being harassed or stalked

peggyundercrackers · 27/02/2016 21:24

Future he was parked before you got to the car park and it's close to his work., why would he use the other car park if the one he was parked in is convenient for him?

futuremrsstinson1 · 27/02/2016 22:13

I know he was. But it's the fact he knows I park there everyday and it's like he's trying to follow me. Maybe i'm being precious. I don't know.

peggyundercrackers · 27/02/2016 22:30

Maybe he wants free parking as well, maybe he wants to park somewhere convenient for him - tbh you sound infatuated with him and what he does...

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/02/2016 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 27/02/2016 23:03

For a reference you state they are honest and reliable trustworthy etc. You can't state those things are true so you can not give a reference.

You can not give a bad reference either.

If they chase - say I'm not prepared to give a reference at this time.

You don't owe the charity or X anything -

futuremrsstinson1 · 28/02/2016 09:23

Bumping for morning traffic

kawliga · 28/02/2016 20:05

OP, are you afraid for your safety or are you just curious about what he's getting up to?

If you are afraid for your safety then you need to call the police immediately.
If you are just interested in what he's doing then you need to mind your own business. You said that maybe you're just precious. Feeling precious is very different from feeling afraid.

From your posts I can't tell whether you are afraid or whether you are just nosy. Which is it?

DoreenLethal · 28/02/2016 20:11

You can not give a bad reference either.

Of course you can give a bad reference. Whoever first spouted this rubbish was misinformed.

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