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AIBU?

To want to ring the police about this??

79 replies

futuremrsstinson · 23/02/2016 16:19

Me and my ex broke up just over a year ago.

About three months ago he got in contact again after finding out that I moved in with my new boyfriend. Asking why it never happened with us, misses me etc. After a couple of weeks of texts I started replying just to try and get some peace. It did tone down the messages a bit but he then started turning up in our local town at weird times and I would see him as I was driving home. Anyway I ended up having to call the police because he wouldnt leave me alone and they gave him a rap on the knuckles. This was about six weeks ago.

Anyway I was contacted at work today by someone he has applied for voluntary work with as he has put me down as a reference as he did some volunteering for me when I worked for a charity. Its in our local town literally about a 2 minute walk away from where I work so I think theres more of a chance of me bumping into him then there is at the moment

AIBU to not give the reference and to call the police with my concerns??

OP posts:

Report

maybebabybee · 03/03/2016 04:00

My friend was being stalked by her ex. She wasn't scared at all, just annoyed. I begged her to report him to the police but she thought I was making a fuss about nothing.

He ended up bashing in her door and trying to attack her with a knife.

Can't believe how many people are minimising this. It's so much better to be safe than sorry. Tonnes of stalking victims just think it's a bit weird at first. At the end of the day you don't actually know what someone is going to do next.

WhatBloodyTimeDoYouCallThis · 03/03/2016 03:51

Although your ex's behaviour has not reached the level that the CPS would deem to be stalking there are some serious red flags for behaviour here that mark the pre-cursor to stalking. My guess is if he waiting for you that it will only be a matter of time until he 'bumps into you' in the car park.

You should definitely call the police and report your ex's behaviour - it will help them collect a file of evidence which demonstrates a pattern of behaviour. This kind of 'passive' harassment is very common. In court his solicitor would argue that their client was parking there for work. For that reason, if you would like to 'test' your theory about his behaviour then also tell the police that you are going to start parking in the other car park (b) further away. Do this for a while and then see if your ex turns up. If he does then I think you will be able to prove that his behaviour is motivated by a desire to see/harass you. You will then be able to counter the argument that he was parking in the original car park (a) for work if he suddenly switches to (b) when you do. I do realise that you will have had to change your life because of his behaviour but I think it will be worth it for two reasons: firstly the proof of above and secondly if he doesn't change car parks you can put your mind at rest that this is all just a co-incidence (unlikely I'm afraid to say) and that he is not trying to see you on purpose.

EBearhug · 03/03/2016 01:58

OP has said she does not feel any sense of fear. She just thinks her ex is fucking weird.

But it's causing her to modify her behaviour, to phone her DP to walk her to her car. That's a bit more than making a face while you think, "that's weird," before moving on to thinking about where you put your keys and whether you need to pick up a pint of milk on the way home.

kawliga · 03/03/2016 01:50

It doesn't matter how it begins. The key thing is the aspect of fear. If someone means harm to you, you will be afraid even if they haven't done anything yet. They could be just smiling and saying 'I know where you live' but that would give you the chills because you know they do not mean well to you.

OP has said she does not feel any sense of fear. She just thinks her ex is fucking weird.

RaspberryOverload · 02/03/2016 18:40

kawliga

Most stalking begins in this way. Weird and not massively scary.

Then escalates.

EBearhug · 02/03/2016 09:04

Given the history, particularly that you have reported him before and the police have spoken to him about it, I'd want them to be aware of his car park behaviour, even if nothing more comes of it at this point.

kawliga · 02/03/2016 08:50

Like many women I've been stalked. Stalking is frightening. I feel sad to see it being trivialized. It's not about feeling on edge. It's about living in fear and it's horrible.

You could argue that you should call police anyway even if you're not afraid because that way you will nip it in the bud in case it might have developed into a stalking case, but I don't think it works that way - in fact stalkers (actual stalkers, not just weirdo people) become bolder if police are constantly calling round to have a word with them and nothing happens. The thing is that in a free society - we do not live in a police state - there is nothing the police can do to someone who is simply weird. They cannot arrest them. They can advise them not to be weird I suppose, but I don't think that's what police are for.

Lweji · 02/03/2016 08:44

Yes, I'd report it to the police. It may be little things, but it will end up making you feel on edge always looking to see if he's around.
It could easily become worse.

kawliga · 02/03/2016 08:41

You do realize there are victims out there actually being stalked, and police don't have enough resources to help people who desperately need help? Think about that before you call police to report that your ex is acting well dodgy sitting in his car for too long and no, he hasn't made you feel afraid but he is acting weird.

Annie posted a link about stalking upthread, notice it says scared of someone? Click on the link, it says Frightened by someone’s obsessive, pestering behaviour?

The point about stalking is the fear it creates in the victim. OP has already said she doesn't feel scared, she just thinks her ex is fucking weird. Some people can frighten you with something that looks innocent and yes, you must absolutely call the police if you are afraid for your safety. But not just because you don't approve of how your ex is behaving.

RitaVinTease · 01/03/2016 15:33

^^oops, event diary.

RitaVinTease · 01/03/2016 15:33

He is now stalking you.

You knew this was coming but didnt have enough to complain about before, according to some users.

Keep an even diary, and make a complaint.

I strongly recommend Gavin de Beckers book The Gift of Fear.
Its not about fear. And it has a lot of practical advice for dealing with this kind of problem.

From now on, do not contact your ex or reply to him when he attempts to contact you. Dont get DP to talk to him. Change your phone numbers if he has yours.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/03/2016 15:23

He's definitely trying it on. Let the police know. Parking his car there would not necessarily be an issue, but the fact that he's sitting there 'reading a book' on two consecutive days indicates pretty clearly that he is trying to wind you up and make you uncomfortable.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 01/03/2016 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 01/03/2016 14:09

Yes, call the police.

sat in his car for an hour and a half reading a book?

and then there again the next day and hour and a half before work?

Come on, with the history here, that's as dodgy as fuck.

I take it he knows your car?

futuremrsstinson · 01/03/2016 13:59

Mummytime- it isn't outside my place of work. It's a 2 minute walk away but it is a public parking area. Hence why i'm unsure.

OP posts:

mummytime · 01/03/2016 13:50

Call the police. The reference thing could be seen either way.

BUT hanging around outside your place of work is not "accidental" or in any way innocent. Call the police asap on 101.

RaspberryOverload · 01/03/2016 13:27

I would say this is enough to talk to the police about.

Make sure you log it all, including time he was there, what he was doing, and time his place opens/shut, so there's a full picture.

futuremrsstinson · 01/03/2016 12:44

Update on this.

Ex was there yesterday. Went down to my car in the middle of the day to get something out of my boot and saw his car there. Rang DP to come and meet me after work to walk me to the car. He was sat in the car, pretending to read a book. The place he worked at shut at 4.30 and this was 6pm.

There again this morning- DP came with me this morning to walk me into work. Again just sat pretending to read a book. This was at 8.30 despite the place he works at not opening until 10.

Is this really not enough to call the police???

OP posts:

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 01/03/2016 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kawliga · 29/02/2016 23:45

Can it not be seen as stalking though???

No, it isn't stalking if someone is just being weird and annoying. I think it would be very wrong if we start using stalking laws to restrain all the weirdos out there. Of whom there are MANY. Stalking is a crime; being weird is not a crime. There's a difference.

The key thing about stalking is that the person threatens you directly or indirectly, harming you or putting you in fear that he will harm you. OP has said that she is not afraid for her safety, she just thinks he is fucking weird. Being fucking weird is undesirable, but it's not a crime.

The case I mentioned earlier of the stalker turning up on the doorstep with roses is criminal because it was an implicit threat, a way of saying 'I know where you live, I have found out where your home is, I can get you, I am determined to get you or die trying'. Very creepy and scary. The guy was seriously afraid for the safety of his family and called the cops. There was a successful prosecution. OP has said she is not afraid, just thinks her ex is fucking weird. You can't call the cops to say your ex is fucking weird.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/02/2016 19:15

This is exactly why stalkers get away with making people's lives hell - because everyone keeps on and on telling women to stop making a fuss about nothing, that they are oversensitive, think they are so special, and all the rest of it. Stalkers do a lot of 'normal' things that could all be explained away, but the intention is always to get up in the victim's face and keep her constantly on edge. When a lot of little things combine to mean the stalker is just always there then it is stalking, it is harassment and it is a crime.

If this man makes any approach to you, OP, walk away and let the police know he is restarting his harassment.

shoeaddict83 · 29/02/2016 10:31

been watching this thread and to start with i was thinking it was a bit odd with him contacting you and you having to get the police involved etc - however the fact you originally did say you would give him a reference, well perhaps he was just trying his luck getting one? You are well within your rights to refuse and thats fair enough.
With regards to him parking near you - you said yourself he works near you so why shouldnt he also use that public car park? You dont have a restraining order against him!!!
If he was in the car sat waiting for you to turn up id agree its stalkerish, but he lives in the same town and works near you, he hasnt tried approaching you again so i honestly do think you are overreacting a bit at the moment. By all means if he tries to initiate contact again then let the police know, but the things youve said at the moment i wouldnt say amount to stalking, and i doubt the police would say so either. Youre bound to cross paths or see each others cars if you live/work close by, you cant expect him to adjust his life to never bump into you. If hes not actually bothering you i just dont see what you think the police are going to do!!

futuremrsstinson1 · 29/02/2016 10:13

Can it not be seen as stalking though???

kawliga · 29/02/2016 04:05

Scared for my safety? No. Just think its fucking weird

Then YABU and a bit ridiculous. No, you can't call the police just because your ex is doing something fucking weird. That's not what police are for.

Stalking is a serious crime, but you are seriously taking the piss if you want to call the cops just because you think your ex is acting weird. You do realize acting weird is not illegal

Fatmomma99 · 29/02/2016 00:28

I think you should ring the police.

And, also, have people who are about you knowing your movements and when and where to be exprected and what to do if you don't turn up as you should. I think this is fucking creeepy, and you should be listening to your instincts.

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