To be embarrassed by my home?

[mamafridi]

I need help! The bulk of my problem is self made, I admit that, but its cause is definitely due to situations that have actually happened and now have turned my problem into an almost phobic level.
I'm embarrassed about where I live and I'm too embarrassed to invite people round. There I've said it. This thought has been festering inside me since I moved to our home some 3 years ago. But it's only now that this horrible hang up is starting to cause problems not only for me but for my dd. She wants to invite her friends round to play, what 5yr old wouldn't, and I'm so caught up in my chronic fear of bringing people round that I'm now affecting my child's life too.

I can't seem to break out of this terror and I know it was made worse by a few instances that happened when I first moved to the area. When my daughter first started at the local nursery I'd invited (this was before my chronic embarrassment of where I lived had set in) on two separate occasions a couple of her little friends and the mums. We'd just moved and I hadn't really picked up on the extreme affluence within the area I'd entered, hence my embarrassment of where we live (very small and cramped flat). Those two first play dates were some of the most awkward and tense situations I've been in and afterwards those 2 mothers avoided me like the plague and dd had no more play dates. We have been invited to a few (palatial) homes but I never reciprocate, which has not helped me or my dd integrate well in what's quite a small town, and now basically I've become what I suppose most would consider a recluse.
I know on a rational level I should bite the bullet and just invite my dd's friends over and not give a fig but what happens if her friends start mirroring their mothers and begin making jibes about where she lives?
On the face of it I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm so caught up in this fear that I can't seem to get out of it.

I have been embarrassed of mt flats before i know how u feel its because unfortunatky people are ignorant and do judge you on yiur home
I think as long as its clean and smells good its irrelvant if you have say no flooring which i did at one point

I cannot add anything else to the response of tava. Excellent post!

George - do not, I repeat not, tidy up for a play date!!! You will be doing it twice!

I must say DS1 came home delighted from a newish friend's house and told me that they were going to be best friends because the other boy's house was ""exactly as messy as ours" ... Not sure what to make of that...

It is true that the ones who live in what appear to be beautiful big show homes seem to be the ones who are are not allowed to do a whole host of things (including have more than one friend between them over at once, playing in the living room etc.)...

Op I sit here feeling miserable about my weight, and I have to force myself, to do something, even just get up off the sofa a few times! or drink a litre of water.
Even though its a small action it makes me feel more proactive about it. And small steps lead to bigger ones and eventually, a proper workout etc.

Instead of sitting there like me, feeling frustrated, talk to yourself how you know....yourself and perhaps think, to tackle one small area...start to de clutter....just one tiny area and no more...or set a timer on your phone....

" I will do ten mins and when alarm goes, will stop" and do a few mins every day.

It over whelms you.

we have a huge mix of friends and sizes of homes! The most surprising home that is literally almost gutted and has been for a few years is the doctors wifes house! not a picture, not a rug....etc etc. but we all still go there.

yes some people judge on affluence but as pp said, its not about you and the parents its about the children and your child. children wont care.

in the mean time, give yourself really tiny - manageable targets..and without putting any pressure on yourself just see how you go.

I feel exactly like this OP!! My dh and i both have good city jobs and incomes but bought at a high price. We live in a small flat (terraced conversion) and most people here are very affluent and live in houses. On maternity leave i tried to invite local mums but never heard frm them again. I dont think that how I dress, act and speak reflects where I live if that makes sense. They couldnt even hide their shock.
Oh, you live in half a house one of them said...
Nice...
It is hard, very hard. Clutter is an issue for us, it causes arguments as dh is a horder and it gets me down on a daily basis. Ds who is nearly 4 has some good friends that we invite over at times as i have had to just bite the bullet.
Just wanted to say that I understand.

I would never judge anyone on the size of their house or how untidy it was, but I would if it was dirty.

Is it so difficult to clear some space in your living areas for the children to play in?

Even with or without the clutter I would be left with a small slightly rundown flat - but I hear what a lot of you are saying which is that a good decluttering would help clear some small precious inch of space here and there, which is always a good thing.

However, the real problem remains and that is the sensation of judging that I get from some mums, which I'm sure is not all down to paranoia. It is also my own problem and that is the brutal fact that a proportion of us equate a nice home as having reached a successful point in our lives and if we don't have that then you have failed in life somehow.

Its all so ridiculous considering I lived in a country for years and years whereby the majority of the population rented and it was considered unusual to own your property and I know that many other countries are like that in Europe.
Anyway, this thread has been a revelation - to know how many feel the same way as me. It's a shame that where we live is considered such a mark of our success. If I could put a banner on the front of my home to say that instead of concentrating all my spending on buying a bigger home I spent it all on travelling a large chunk of the world and that I have a few adventurous tales to tell as a result would I be seen as less of a failure? Unfortunately, it counts for little and now I wish I had spent my income more wisely and saved for a better home to be living in now and not to be able to tell you all the story about the time I came across a bandit wielding a machete in the Mexican jungle...

"that is the brutal fact that a proportion of us equate a nice home as having reached a successful point in our lives and if we don't have that then you have failed in life somehow."

You must know some pretty horrible people then. My best friend has a few low paid unskilled jobs and lives in a house that needs a lot doing to it, but she has the kindest heart and has been a loyal friend for about 10 years. I judge people on what they are like not the house they live in.

Bunbaker - keep in mind I said a proportion think this.

I can't say that they are 'horrible' because their choices are different to mine. It's my problem and I should get over my hang ups which I am trying to do by writing and admitting things on this thread that I have felt embarrassed about for too long. And because I could see that this might be impacting on my dd.

They just have different opinions on what is important in their lives than I or others do. I too have a badly paid job but I love it and I made a choice (together with my partner) that we would have to sacrifice some things so that I could continue to do this job.

We had a pretty gorgeous home in London when the DC went to the local primary. One of the lads ds admires most now he is 21 was in local authority emergency housing when he was four. Then in a decent sized flat in a tower block. If my children had made a derogatory comment they'd have been toast.

Like Tava 63 I've been on the reverse end of nasty comments which are equally unpleasant.

At the end of the day bitches have no material or class barriers -even on mumsnet-

Hold your head high, teach your DD to enjoy a glass half full and fuck the lot of them. I bet some of the horrors will meet Mr Karma eventually.

BeaufortBelle - thank you. I need to hear that :-)

Ok, I have to ask; what happened with the machete wielding bandit in Mexico?!!!

As a child I visited homes that were not as 'perfect' as my own but what made a play date good was simple things. One friend had barbies, another the mum would actually interact with us and we'd bake cakes etc, another we got to bring duvets to the sofa and watch movies while eating a tray of snacks. These things made me love some homes more than others as a child. Focus on making it a fun play date and don't worry about the size and fanciness of the house. Make it the best place for activities instead.

Also if you can afford it, plan something like the cinema for 2. They would so look forward to that and it would take the pressure off being in your house. Although I think a sleepover after the cinema would be the icing on the cake.

Would it be possible to invite dd's friend to soft play, the park or a craft activity outwith your home. This would give you a chance to meet the parents on a one to one basis and build a relationship with them before you invite them over to your home?

Mamafridi I would always choose a friend with a scruffy flat and machete-wielding bandit tales rather than some status-obsessed, houseproud materialist.

OP were a family of 7 living in a 2 bedroom (we've managed to add an extra room and split the largest room up) house,most of the children our children go to school with have very large homes in very affluent areas.
But our 5DC all have lots of friends and we have other children in our house usually every single week.

I do know where your coming from the OP I felt the same and I felt awful for my children,but our children all have they're own space,they're bedrooms have all been lovingly decorated by myself and my DH and the house is all organized,decorated and clean and tidy and honestly that's all that matters to the children.

They're friends all love coming here,our oldest DC DS19 and DS17 have friends come round every day usually and they're friends and DS14 and DD12 friends usually speak to me and ask for my help or advice before they'll ask anyone else.
I don't think it would matter to our childrens friends if we lived in a caravan to be honest,I think all that matters to them is that they get to spend time with they're friends and that the Mum and Dad in the house are nice to them.

Some of the children have lovely homes but sadly don't have great home lives,I'd always rather give my children a loving home life over a lovely home any day.

If it is clean, I don't think you have so much to worry about.

I have been in a few extremely unclean houses, though, both with work and through friends, and there is a level at which I start finding it uncomfortable- mainly when there's layers of grime and hair (often animal related) and when the loo is extremely dirty. I once visited a house where they hadn't cleaned for many years, every step of the stairs was junked up and covered in a thick layer of dust, pet hair and dirt. The bathroom was just unimaginable. The children were lovely, and the mum also lovely, but yes, it did put me off visiting the house, I would have rather met in a cafe.

This is not related to size of house or wealth, the wealthier people I know also live in dirt/pet/not cleaned related squalor sometimes in large houses, they simply don't see it.

On that basis, clutter is not too bad! Just concentrate on keeping things like the bathroom and kitchen clean- I don't mind moving papers off a sofa to sit down, but I think facing someone else's grime is quite unpleasant.

I have used Flylady in the past, although my house is quite messy, but I love her advice of not waiting to clean the bathroom thoroughly (as if you wait to do it 'properly' you often don't do it for a long time)- do a quick 3 min 'swish and swipe' of the loo and handbasin pretty much every day with any old cleaner and it keeps it much nicer than waiting for the dirt to settle which then takes much longer to clean.

We too were bottom of the food chain when it came to our home when my DD was 5 - we lived in social housing others owned their better homes and were more affluent. As has been said, children just want a nice snack and a bit of space. Plus, as adults, a nice cuppa and a good natter in congenial atmosphere should suffice (well within your reach) otherwise they are not people you want around. Please don't judge all other parents on this experience, I understand and truly know its upsetting to be shunned, but its not about you its about them. In spite of my self-consciousness, I strived to present a clean, tidy home and a confident front - a few mums who had a social conscience have become good buddies:-) My daughter is now a typically self-conscious tween who has just started secondary. We have recently bought a home, that needs so much decorating and, once again, we are bottom of the food chain in our more affluent area. My daughter has been acting out about the state of our place (I feel the same tbh) However, slowly a few friends have come to play, they have a wii and their technologies, I send them out for a milkshake... We have given her room a nice lick of paint, we are working on the rest of the home. Those people who are deserving of our time, are journeying with us. It feels great to kick shame out of the window and be confident about who you are -with people who matter. Just a few small shifts in thinking and action can make all the difference!

OP I know exactly how you feel. I currently live in a small, rented terrace on an old counci estate (although vast majority are pensioners or working families) and with a 5yr old DS i have so far been too self conscious to invite anyone over.

I keep it clean and tidy but i'm a young parent and although our financial situation has been improving over the years, pretty much all our furniture needs replacing! to get decent furniture inside my house to replace the old shabby stuff would cost me at east £500 not incuding replacing the shabby sofa i'm sitting on!

I do think it's true though that anyone who is worth being a friend will not judge you based on where you live.

Or an excellent idea i was given when i had a similar worry, perhaps while you're de-cluttering etc is to invite a playdate round and go out to a local park or playground for a bit of fun, maybe even invite the mum too for a chat and then if you're more comfortable just have them back for a cuppa.

And for what it's worth i personally would not care a jot what you're home was like, it doesn't define a person.

i dont do playdates sounds stressful. The kids dobt have a fixed group of frienda either. If my kids had a best friend or friends then yes i would, but since thats not the case im not bothered. In secondary school ill be kore opwn to it, minus the parents unless we click.

i do have social anxiety too so i would be thinking i have to chit chat with mum ir dad what the hell will i talk about, to other ppl things like that come easy.

I never thought about size of house effecting who you or your kids socialise with, but i guess it can, it doesnt bother me. ive lived in some tiny box houses with poor decor but theyve always been clean and clutter free. Clutter doesnt really matter OP those parents were just being snotty you shouldnt sweat it, who wants to be acquainted with those folks?

This house im in now is huge the previous one was huge too but no obe cared coz we were far away. Ive noticed since ive moved close to family one sibling and my sis in law and her husband were seething. They never had one positive to say about the house when we moved in, i being stupid nevrr understood it, its a dream home. I never asked for their critique invited over to eat. they dobt come to ours and when they do they look peed off. It makes me wonder how theyd behave if i actually owned such a home im just renting, they own their modest home id rather own one too. I know now its envy but unfortunately i have a habit of always thinking the best of ppl, my husband had to open.my eyes to it. Sometimes i think maybe we should have looked for a cramped 5 bed then we would have this hanging over us everytime we invite them.over. but id still be paying a similar rent so whats the point?

Invite those parents over who arent snotty or forget it altogether. Do your kids have other children to mix with. Cousins, neighbours kids, kids at playgroups, out of school activities?

i have 4 so easier they play and squabble together...... I nevrr had playdates in primary i went in the 80s. We played with sny kids hsnging out on the wueut side streets and neighbours kids, parents didnt accompany us for play. Things have chsnged a lot

Mama, I feel your pain but the only thing to do is to be happy about and accept your circumstances. All fingers are not equal. You will get to where you want to be all in good time without being pressured from external forces. The only pressure is from yourself and you can choose to keep up with the joneses or choose to be happy, proud and content with what you have.

I have been lucky in my working life recently that I now have a job that enables me to send my ds to a private school. However I live in a small 3 (2.5) bedroom house and I drive an old car. I don't feel pressure to keep up with the parents of my ds friends and to be fair ds friends think I'm really cool because I chat with them when they come round. Our house is small but clean. It is our home, our safe haven and if we invite anyone into it they should be grateful that we are sharing our home with them. If they or their parents behave in a way that is unbecoming then they will not be invited back. You also have to enlighten your dd on how to appreciate your home, that way if and when she "compares houses" you know what to say.

Unfortunately you will get snooty parents and yes they will be secretly be comparing and judging you on material things. This is water of a ducks back.

When you do invite them over, make them a pizza, get them to throw the cheese on it, chuck it in the oven, serve it up and watch them wolf it down 😀They'll be coming back for more that's for sure!!

Good luck and don't fret.

I love this article Kids aren't expensive but that other thing sure is.