To be embarrassed by my home?

[mamafridi]

I need help! The bulk of my problem is self made, I admit that, but its cause is definitely due to situations that have actually happened and now have turned my problem into an almost phobic level.
I'm embarrassed about where I live and I'm too embarrassed to invite people round. There I've said it. This thought has been festering inside me since I moved to our home some 3 years ago. But it's only now that this horrible hang up is starting to cause problems not only for me but for my dd. She wants to invite her friends round to play, what 5yr old wouldn't, and I'm so caught up in my chronic fear of bringing people round that I'm now affecting my child's life too.
I can't seem to break out of this terror and I know it was made worse by a few instances that happened when I first moved to the area. When my daughter first started at the local nursery I'd invited (this was before my chronic embarrassment of where I lived had set in) on two separate occasions a couple of her little friends and the mums. We'd just moved and I hadn't really picked up on the extreme affluence within the area I'd entered, hence my embarrassment of where we live (very small and cramped flat). Those two first play dates were some of the most awkward and tense situations I've been in and afterwards those 2 mothers avoided me like the plague and dd had no more play dates. We have been invited to a few (palatial) homes but I never reciprocate, which has not helped me or my dd integrate well in what's quite a small town, and now basically I've become what I suppose most would consider a recluse.
I know on a rational level I should bite the bullet and just invite my dd's friends over and not give a fig but what happens if her friends start mirroring their mothers and begin making jibes about where she lives?
On the face of it I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm so caught up in this fear that I can't seem to get out of it.

[mamafridi]

I've decided I'm going to print out all your replies and read them often - the anxiety I've been dealing with about this is/was becoming crippling and I could not rationalise it at all. Now that I've had such a supportive reaction I have no excuse but to start changing and allowing myself to open up again. I just really hope the mums I come across will all be lovely like you lot :-)
X

[MumTumAndBum]

I sometimes feel a little bit like this as I rent from a housing association in an area I couldn't otherwise afford to live in, I have lived there all my life but it's becoming increasingly affluent. We both work but are very much working class. The school is mostly quite middle class (because it's an expensive area) with a smattering of families who aren't working and I feel I sit awkwardly somewhere in the middle. I tell myself I'm not embarrassed to not be a homeowner because in theory we could afford to own but we just can't afford to save for a deposit but I can't help feeling a bit awkward sometimes when they're all going on about property prices etc. I chat to everyone and everyone is friendly but Im definitely on the edge of 'mum drinks' not being welcomed with open arms by the more middle class mums but don't really fit in with the ones who can hang around smoking outside for ages because they don't have a job to rush to. Sad but true. I would definitely still invite kids over though - they are 5 and mums probably wouldn't attend? They shouldn't judge you by your home :)

[Savvyblonde]

The children don't care as long as they have a good time. If you are worried about the parents. A solution I do is offer to pick up and drop off the visiting child. Bring them home straight from school (other parents get a day off school run). Then offer to drop them back in an hour or 2 or meet half way ( to save the other parent coming out). The child won't think to say anything as long as they've had a good time and the parent won't click as they have not been put out. Other option is to not take them to your house. Do a play date at the park or soft play and get the parent to drop off and pick up at that location. I lived in an affluent area and my house didn't compete. So I avoided the parent needing to come to it.

[ScarlettSahara]

Hi OP. I found your post interesting & could identify with it. My daughter is now a teen so there is no school gate socialising.
I have a very mixed background- part working, part middle class. Worked as a doctor for many years but tended not to talk about it to other parents.
Hubby & I married late so bought a modest house that we could afford without help in order to start a family without delay.

I was so lonely because we were 200 miles from family & my mum died when I was a teen so not there to confide in. I have had experiences a bit like yours. Had a mum who appeared interested in playdates but only wanted to quiz me about vaccination (after asking what my job was). Have had others whom I have felt were eyeing up my house when they came & never reciprocated. I too stopped socialising for a bit cos I felt so hurt ( even had mums arranging to have lunch whilst talking across me😥).
I regret letting those people get to me tbh cos they made me doubt myself for a while. Now I am older & wiser & would agree with great posts upthread. Change things if it is for you or dd but not to court favour from those who judge superficially- a warm heart wins every time with me and whilst our pride might get a bit bruised if a friendship does not work, the friendships that do work are so worth it for both me & my dd.

On a bit of a diversion. Went to parent teachers evening recently. Several teachers were in a small room. We queued to see one when a mum from one of the cliques barged in just as we were about to move forwards. ( Hubby said he thought she was there before us but was hovering to see who became free first- fair enough but polite to make your excuses surely!) I know she is from a mahoosive house but does not make her polite! At first I felt a bit undermined by this but on reflection thought it says far more about her. By the way I also know a completely lovely mum who lives in a gorgeous rectory! 💐

[ScarlettSahara]

Sorry for the long post - strangely cathartic though!
Hope you start to socialise again x

[iMogster]

Great thread!
I live in a medium sized 3 bed semi. I was very pleased when I moved in but my confidence has taken a few beatings from more affluent Mums in the area.

One Mum with 5 bed detached asked me how long I plan to stay in this house. I said I wasn't moving as this is my forever home. She was shocked as had assumed it was just a rung up the housing ladder.

I was arranging to host a playdate for quite a few children, via email. One Mum replied all, saying we should come to hers instead as my house is too cramped.

A lot of the Mums around here talk about extensions, separate play rooms and loft conversions as their DCs need a room each.

[SpringHasNearlySprung]

I had experience of this from the opposite side. We were seen as "them from the house on the hill" in our very small village. It was awful! Invitations for play dates were extended (and a few came) however people were always more interested in the house and DH's business than forging friendships. When we were invited to play dates the conversation always got turned round to our home which made me feel uncomfortable. It got worse when I returned to work and landed a job as Headteacher at our village school. I lasted 6 months after watching my children being almost totally ignored in the playground and having no invitations to parties etc. The situation didn't change until I moved the children's school and I moved to a school further away from home. Those were the years I still think of the loneliest of my life.

People who judge others on where they live are just shallow in my eyes. Some of my best friends have much smaller houses than mine, some have larger houses than mine. People who can't/won't accept others for the people they are instead of the material possessions they own have no place in my life.

Why not try meeting for a play date at a park etc OP? The weather is brightening up now and this may help to raise your confidence until you get to know people a bit better?

[ScarlettSahara]

Sorry that you have both experienced such unpleasantness iMogster 💐& Spring💐. I have pondered before on whether it is possible to maintain friendships across superficial social divisions. Agree that where you live & what you have should not matter. My dd invited a girl here to reciprocate an invitation. This girl's house was massive with stables etc. Next thing I knew this girl had told my dd that she (dd) only wanted to be friends for what she could get out of her🤔. I was at a loss what to tell dd & where such ideas spring from. Maybe the thought processes had nothing to do with her home & she just didn't click with my dd.

[Kingoftheroad]

I found this thread really sad for everyone feeling embarrassed by their homes. My only advice would be - move to SCotland no one gives a hoot.

Also, I have never ever heard anyone mention being "middle class". Or any other class for that matter it's just not part of the culture here and I.m so proud of this after reading years of comments on mumsnet re social/wealth status

[aintnothinbutagstring]

It's a shame people judge on size of where you live or living in a bad area but it's an attitude that's very much alive and kicking, much as some here would not like to believe it's true. Even some posters have suggested that it's all in the OPs head, it's not possible that the mums OP experienced were snooty about her flat... when many of us have experienced the same. I think you just have to develop a thick skin, some people will care where you live and if it's good enough for their precious dc, others won't give a rats arse and will look beyond material wealth. Get your dc involved in lots of social activity outside of school like rainbows or brownies, sports, and it really won't matter about play dates.

[CEOD]

I have the opposite problem. I'm embarrassed at how big our house is. It works both ways. I know there are people out there who would bitch/ start looking at me in a different light/ feel resentful and so I just don't invite them. We get on well at the moment but I wouldn't like to jeopardise that. I'm VERY careful at who I invite round, which is a shame as well, because I'd like to invite everyone round. We'll have to move to somewhere smaller!!!

[Katarzyna79]

CEOD I have same issue irony is we are far from rich and only in this house because we need all the bedrooms. We happen to be in an affluent area, because this city is so small the larger houses are only built on the very outskirts semi rural.

its so called family mainly my husband family that seem really bitter about it, funny though they forget we are renting they are owners, we may never be. who wants to move around I'm sick of moving houses, and getting attached to homes that aren't mine

[Katarzyna79]

CEOD I have same issue irony is we are far from rich and only in this house because we need all the bedrooms. We happen to be in an affluent area, because this city is so small the larger houses are only built on the very outskirts semi rural.

its so called family mainly my husband family that seem really bitter about it, funny though they forget we are renting they are owners, we may never be. who wants to move around I'm sick of moving houses, and getting attached to homes that aren't mine

[mydogeatsnutstoo]

I have felt like that about the house we lived in previously, and felt a bit embarrassed that it was a lot smaller and just not in as nijce surroundings as many of my friends' houses and also my daughter's friends houses. I did feel a bit embarrassed having people good play dates but nobody ever seemed to be judging and similar!ly I don't judge others if the situation was reversed and certainly would not start avoiding people - the people you mention just don't sound very nice. I don't think young children really notice things like that though, I wouldn't let it stop you having your daughter's friends round. I think if you make the space you have as pleasant and welcoming as possible people will just be glad to have a break and a cup of tea and chat!

[Ebayaholic]

Instead of inviting kids to your home, why not go to the park and McDonalds/somewhere to eat?

[Ebayaholic]

Instead of inviting kids to your home, why not go to the park and McDonalds/somewhere to eat?

[Ebayaholic]

Instead of inviting kids to your home, why not go to the park and McDonalds/somewhere to eat?

[CEOD]

Katarzyna, exactly! We are renting this big place too! Would NEVER be able to afford to buy it!

[ppeatfruit]

We moved to a larger house and I did lose a couple of 'friends' afterwards , but who wants jealous, superficial friends anyway?

[MrsMarigold]

I think there is a bit too much analysis on this thread, our house is a bit of a dive I do get irritated when people say when are you doing it up? We are busy paying off the mortgage. You never really know people's circumstances so don't judge them by their possessions, judgements should be based on character and values.