To be embarrassed by my home?

[mamafridi]

I need help! The bulk of my problem is self made, I admit that, but its cause is definitely due to situations that have actually happened and now have turned my problem into an almost phobic level.
I'm embarrassed about where I live and I'm too embarrassed to invite people round. There I've said it. This thought has been festering inside me since I moved to our home some 3 years ago. But it's only now that this horrible hang up is starting to cause problems not only for me but for my dd. She wants to invite her friends round to play, what 5yr old wouldn't, and I'm so caught up in my chronic fear of bringing people round that I'm now affecting my child's life too.

I can't seem to break out of this terror and I know it was made worse by a few instances that happened when I first moved to the area. When my daughter first started at the local nursery I'd invited (this was before my chronic embarrassment of where I lived had set in) on two separate occasions a couple of her little friends and the mums. We'd just moved and I hadn't really picked up on the extreme affluence within the area I'd entered, hence my embarrassment of where we live (very small and cramped flat). Those two first play dates were some of the most awkward and tense situations I've been in and afterwards those 2 mothers avoided me like the plague and dd had no more play dates. We have been invited to a few (palatial) homes but I never reciprocate, which has not helped me or my dd integrate well in what's quite a small town, and now basically I've become what I suppose most would consider a recluse.
I know on a rational level I should bite the bullet and just invite my dd's friends over and not give a fig but what happens if her friends start mirroring their mothers and begin making jibes about where she lives?
On the face of it I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm so caught up in this fear that I can't seem to get out of it.

I agree that most children are oblivious to these things. I grew up in a scruffy but vast Queen Anne manor house. My favourite friend's house to visit was Richard's, it was the best because his mum had a chest freezer with Icepops in it; he had a hamster, bunk beds, loads of toys; and later they boarded out the attic and we could play with his toys in there. He had a Silvania Family Treehouse ffs!!!
I drive past his house sometimes on the way to mum's. It's a tiny 70's two bed semi-detached bungalow.

Other children loved my house because it was great for hide and seek and the gardens offered lots of opportunities for war games, den making and jumping off the wall into the pile of leaves the gardener had made, but there was no connection with wealth or status in their preference. I think it would have been a tight call between Richard's house and mine as favoured venue for us to go round to play.

Richard's mum also called me "princess" or "sweetheart" as opposed to the "Fred" or "Face-ache" preferred by my own (very lovely) parents. I luffed her!

Completely with you. We rent a marionette in a dodgy council high rise. My DS is 3 so I've managed to avoid play dates in the main. I even deliver stuff (or not sell at all) when I sell on the local FB page. Need to buck up my ideas or sort my shit out.

Is not helped by numerous comments about how much benefits I am in receipt of (uh none) just based on our address.

I totally get this OP, as I live in an area where the housing tenure is described as "mixed" - some rented social housing, some shared ownership housing, some private market rented and some private market owned. The private homes are often large and expensive compared to the smaller social ones. And everyone knows which is which. This means that there's a weird snobbery amongst the local mums about who lives in what kind of house, it's truly grim. I've seen the mums who live in social housing being completely ignored at local playgroups in quite a pointed way :(

Ours is a teeny weeny house, which means that some of the local mums clearly look down on me (despite the fact that I have quite a prestigious and "middle class", though unfortunately not well paid, job. I think they just can't compute anyone whose social status seems to be a bit unclear, either!) I know I miss out on local "mum drinks" and playdates because of it. You can't control for what other people think though, and some people truly are awful snobs about material things like houses and cars. The mums who avoided you sound awful BTW. One woman who lives near to me was a bit sniffy about my house, and I felt like I wanted to prove to her that DD was just as good as her DD. I obsessed about it for ages. Except I then heard her on a subsequent occasion being truly nasty about her cleaner and about "benefit scroungers" to some other mums - and I realised that she was a truly disgraceful snob, and actually quite an ugly person; and that I am far better off for not being one of her chosen circle!

There are easy ways to make your home nice however small it is, so that people who visit remember not the size of the place, but nice touches and tasteful things. A quick way of doing that this time of year is lots of bowls of inexpensive flowers - cheap narcissi and daffodil pots for example; and nice biscuits and coffee when they come round. A scented candle or some creative children's artwork; Tiger and Ikea do bright and cheap plant pots and lamps. It sounds like you could do with a declutter and maybe storing or selling some furniture - I find that I always feel better after a clear-out in the spring, and then there's more space to add some cheap but lovely touches to brighten things up. :)

OP, I think that the fact two people had the same reaction, and you could feel the atmosphere at the time, is key. Of course you shouldn't get rid of your treasures or furniture but upthread you said "it is a bit on the messy side, especially as it's also my work place."

In my experience, people who tend to hoard and have piles of stuff everywhere can't see the mess or dirt that people who like tidy surfaces see.

Using the example of your dear friend, if you didn't know the person and you brought your child to her house, would you still feel the same?

I strongly suspect this is actually about tidyness and not the size of your flat, and you're torturing yourself over something you think you can't change (when you actually can, very simply).

I reckon I'm kind of average (if there is such a thing), and if my child came home from a play date with a smile on her face having had a good time, I would think yup and reciprocate. It really is as simple as that, and even if you come accross a few dicks on the way, don't stop inviting others because most people arent like that.

I think it's possible to create a welcoming, safe environment in any kind and size of home. I'd focus on sorting your stuff out, making areas clearly designated for work and for relaxation. Get rid of clutter. Store work stuff in the best quality storage you have or can afford (or get from freecycle.)
Make sure your kitchen and living area and DD's room are all very clean and tidy with welcoming touches - fresh flowers, the smell of home made cake or fresh coffee on offer for visitors.

Our house is big but very run down and we haven't the money to do it up. This gets me down a lot. But when I tidy it, declutter and clean with a vengeance it looks ten times better and I realise I'm not as ashamed of it as I thought. It's just when I feel defeated by it and let the clutter and grime build that it starts to be embarrassing.

Have you looked at Flylady? She has a programme to follow of tidying, decluttering and cleaning and she assumes you are beginning from a state of being too embarrassed to have anyone round. She's no Marie Kondo. She's very human and has been in that state herself before.

A friend doesn't befriend you on what you have, it is about who you are. I have friends who live in bigger houses than mine, and friends whose houses are smaller.

Size in this case does not matter. For me it is how you treat my child.

My eldest son is almost 13, he thinks his mate's house is miles better than ours because he has an xbox and tv in his bedroom. We have a playroom here with a tv and xbox in it and a sofa to sit on to play it, but apparently having it in your bedroom is cooler. His mate's house is smaller, but it is cooler.

Invite your daughter's friends round, please. We were never allowed any friends round to my parent's house and it irks me still.

I live in a massive house (six bedrooms) but we go on playdates with people who live in one bed flats and frankly I really don't care so long as they are nice and have good values.

I have friends with super-overcrowded council flats as well as people in large town houses. I do not filter by that and don't want to have friends who do. The kids have picked up on this and are the same.

Get her and your friends over and enjoy. The ones who judge are not friends.

I'll come round, OP. You sound lovely and I don't care how small your place is. Judging someone for living in a small cluttered flat is just weird! I'm sure those two mums just picked up on your own anxiety at having people round.

As TheLesserSpottedBee said above, as long as you are a good mum, the rest doesn't matter.

My house is small, cluttered, and messy. It is actually cleanish - it should be becuase I'm bloody ALWAYS cleaning, anyway - but you can't really tell that.

However kids love coming round because I'm really not bothered when they make a mess.

I MAKE myself relax about it when their parents come round, and just try to shovel tea and biscuits into people to take their minds off it. I am quite open to being made to feel inferior but I draw the line in my own house - if I feel like that they are not coming again!

It was very interesting reading this post. My ds has a friend who just lives nearby but their house has been extended I wou.d like to invite his friend for a play date but I am embarrassed by my house. It is clean and I can make it tidy, well what I consider tidy but we will always have coats on the rack or a few too shoes out, books in the living room etc. The problem is the friends house is absolutely spotless, not even a coat or a piece of post is on display, I just wonder what her child would think of our house! I've been to their house and it does feel so cold, like a hotel. I'm afraid just sitting I could make a mess! I know the mum is a bit of a neat freak, maybe too excessively. Should I just bite the bullet and invite the friend over?

I grew up with this. I went to an affluent boarding school on a scholarship. I came from a Northern council house background. I spent all my life feeling unworthy, despite the obvious talent I had to go to the school, in the first place.

Start small. Invite one young friend over. Kids (and adults) need to learn that we come from all kinds of backgrounds. As long as your home is clean and tidy and most of all....welcoming, you should feel proud to offer your friendship. And bugger those who think otherwise!

People who judge you by your house rather than your hospitality aren't worth knowing, anyway, so you only really lose out if you never invite anyone round and therefore never get to know anyone at all, worthwhile or otherwise!

OP Well done first of all on posting and starting this thread; it's obvious it will help you but also a few others by the sound of it!

I wonder if I could, very gently and in the nicest of spirit, ask you to please expand a bit more about what you mean by:

but I will not get rid of my treasured furniture or multitude of knickknacks just for the sake of a snooty mum's acceptance!

I wholeheartedly agree that the snooty mums can go fuck themselves view/s should not be of any relevance but what is beginning to shine through your posts is that it is more of a clutter type issue.

Can I ask you what the pieces of 'treasured furniture' are, and by 'multitude of knick-knacks' what it is you are actually referring to?

As I suspect the answers to those 2 might well enable us to better help you advice wise if that makes sense?

Mama, DH and I realised a while ago that anyone who is snooty about your house or income isn't worth having as a friend. Our circle includes people at very different stages of life and with very different means. People who are at ease with this are the kind of people we want to know.

I am sure that you will find a similar, accepting group of people. If you want to get things more in order then do, but do it for yourself and your DD so that you are living the way that you want to and enjoying it, not because otherwise people might disapprove.

Those first people you invited round are awful! We live in a fairly big house and I love it when my children get invited to small ones - I want them to see how all kinds of people live and what matters is the love and the people in the home, not how many square feet anyone has. Mines are often going to houses which are particularly small and that is irrelevant to me or my children.

however as people say if clutter is the issue you just have to decide if it's too cluttered (so throw stuff out) or you like no surfaces being clear so you will live with it or are we into hoarder territory? I like things put away and try to throw out two items for everyone bought so I am at one extreme and that issue has nothing to do at all with who is richer than whom, but about if you like things around you or clear surfaces.

OP - I honestly wouldn't worry. As others have said, children view things differently. Our house is big, half finished and has has piles of stuff and animals everywhere. But on the bright side, there are no nice furnishings that can get damaged and we are relaxed hosts.

I work on the basis of keeping the seats clear so that no one has to move any thing to sit down. Also a clear route to sit down.

Then offer a nice biscuit/cake with the tea, so they won't notice

Do you think you could bear to post a photo of a messy bit of a room? It might mean we can work out what to suggest that might help? And how much is a need to de clutter and how much is a need to never let awful, judgemental people affect you.

Also people differ. My chidlren's father goes to tons of people's homes to teach - Some will have realyl clean tidy places, one has bare boards and dogs all over being very messy, another has so much clutter to ceilings and one room you cannot get in for things piled high. Fascinating stuff.

The bottom line though is that most of us at the small children stage tend to have children's toys all over which are very hard to control and everyone forgives that.

My view is some people just don't have it in them to clear clutter so are making an active choice to lesave it there and why not - it's their place. I couldn't live like that but even I find we get more and more stuff all the time - my adult daughter just sent more furniture back here to go in my garage. We seem to get more not less as children get older.

This post couldn't have been better timed for me. I am feeling down about this very thing. I can't seem to get past it. It has helped me to read this and realise I'm not the only one feeling this way.

forewarned is forearmed. Your dd will have to be able to deal with this kind of attitude , so teach her starting now that money does not equal happiness. Think of some small mantras to put in her head so she will be able to call on them when she needs to e.g.
we have everything we need.
we are happy as we are
more toys/bigger house etc does not make you happier
all we need is each other
we love our home because we are happy in it

This thread is very relevant to me today!

We've recently moved and are renting a very small house while our (lovely and fairly spacious) house sells. Ds is in reception and I've been putting off inviting friends over as it's so small and poky and we hate it. We don't have a cat flap for our cats so the litter tray is inside (yak!) and although it's a new build so modern and clean, it just doesn't feel like home and is. so. small.

Anyway, ds has had a few social wobbles and I know he'd benefit from play dates so I plucked up the courage today and invited his friend over for tomorrow and the pair were SO excited. It was relatively straight forward process and I'll just do a nice snack / treat, a crafty activity and put some toys out and encourage a few board games possibly. The parents aren't coming which helps I think and I'll just make sure it's super clean and tidy before school collection tomorrow.

I totally know how you feel!

I know some of how you feel. I have got a tiny house, honestly it's tiny. I feel a bit embarrassed about it because I have some quite rich friends & family and their houses are massive compared to ours. DH and I have both been divorced in the past so lost a lot of money on previous property so although we have decent jobs and are mid-30s our house doesn't really reflect that. It's not even in a nice area!

I work very hard to keep it tidy and clutter free, which helps, buts it's awkward to have visitors because there isn't space for people to sit down. DH wants to have a party for DSs birthday but I just dont see how it would work. DSs bedroom is literally the length of the cot with enough room to walk into the room on one side!

No real advice but keeping things tidy and decluttered does help a bit.